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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have attempted to toilet train without DP’s ‘permission”

164 replies

lwatts32 · 27/02/2023 18:39

DP has a 12 (nearly 13) year old son, he's had full custody of him since he was about a year old and I've been in his life since he was 5 and he calls me mum etc. He has ASD and is very delayed. He's still in pull ups, he refuses pads etc and will only wear dry nights which are expensive. I'm also 24 weeks pregnant and I've just got our youngest out of nappies and me and DP were talking about trying again with SS.

We last tried when he was 8 and it didn't go well, we made the mistake of taking them away and putting him in underwear which made him very distressed so we gave up after about 2 days and haven't tried again since.

SS seemed interested when DS was getting praised for using the toilet so after school on Friday (DP was away with work) I asked him if he wanted to do the same, he said yes but I was unsure as he usually says yes as an answer to most questions. However, on Saturday he went on the toilet a few times, he did have a few accidents but then yesterday he was dry all day.

DP is now home and I've told him and he isn't happy that I've done this without his ‘permission’ as all decisions about SS should be up to him, reminded me about last time - although I've not mentioned wearing underwear to SS or taken his pull ups away, accused me of pushing SS into this etc.

Just to add, DP does seem to ‘baby’ SS, I don't mean that in a horrible way as I know he does struggle, but for example when DP is away SS usually will change himself, he will ask me but I encourage him to try to himself first and he knows I'm around if he needs help, however DP agrees and doesn't encourage him to try himself first as he says it's easier if he just does it.

Was I BU?

OP posts:
Bunnyishotandcross · 27/02/2023 18:41

Dss needs to see a urologist.
At 12 he needs medication not toilet training.
Ime

GoodChat · 27/02/2023 18:44

He hasn't tried to toilet train his child for five years because last time he got upset. That's borderline neglect.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2023 18:44

I'd be telling your partner that he had better care for his son 24/7 from now on because you aren't doing any of it if that's his attitude. He should be thanking his lucky stars you are willing to care for his son, instead he treats you like the hired help. Fuck that. He can do absolutely everything from this point forward.

Toasty280 · 27/02/2023 18:44

Than DH needs to be around to provide all care to SS and not leave you to it or he has to trust you will act in the best interest of SS whilst he is in your care. He can't have it both ways.

LaFemmeDamnee · 27/02/2023 18:45

So you're good enough to act as a mother, and tend to all his personal care needs. But not allowed to make a decision. Fuck that.

gogohmm · 27/02/2023 18:48

If you are caring for ss sole charge because you dh is away, your dh needs to accept you have partial parental responsibility, and it should be legalised for practical reasons if it isn't already.

It's never too old to potty train I should add, dsd finally got it at 22 (profound ld's)

Merryoldgoat · 27/02/2023 18:48

LaFemmeDamnee · 27/02/2023 18:45

So you're good enough to act as a mother, and tend to all his personal care needs. But not allowed to make a decision. Fuck that.

This, basically.

For the record I have two children with ASD so understand the spectrum is very broad but given he actually has made progress in two days is something to be congratulated in my opinion.

gamerchick · 27/02/2023 18:49

I'd just carry on as you are and not mention it to him again. The bairn has a bit of motivation going on, encourage him to try as you have been

Poorlysister · 27/02/2023 18:50

If your DH trusts you to look after his DS then he has to trust your judgement and the decisions you make on them days. It doesn’t sound like something you pushed for, it happened organically. He should be there if he wants to be involved in detail.

RandomMess · 27/02/2023 18:54

YANBU you were led by DSS and you are his primary cater by default!

Yamaya · 27/02/2023 18:58

Wow, he should be thanking you.
I agree with pp that he really should have tried more than once in all this time. And my son is asd too so I know how hard it is.

shittyshitshit · 27/02/2023 19:01

LaFemmeDamnee · 27/02/2023 18:45

So you're good enough to act as a mother, and tend to all his personal care needs. But not allowed to make a decision. Fuck that.

This!!

themonkeysnuts · 27/02/2023 19:35

Wow he should be thanking you
you havent forced it the lad wanted to try/do it I dont see the issues
your H is a lazy prat

ConfusedNT · 27/02/2023 19:38

He's willing to go away with work and leave you in sole charge but he's not willing to trust your decision making process?

If that's the case he needs to find another source of childcare for when he cannot be around to look after his son.

UdoU · 27/02/2023 19:44

I agree with everyone. DH is a twat.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 27/02/2023 19:50

Fuck that! I’m a stepmum too and if my DH leaves me in charge then I’m helping to make the decisions! If you are good enough to care for his child then you are good enough for him to include you and not make unilateral decisions.

Sexnotgender · 27/02/2023 19:52

He should be thanking you. Stupid manchild.

Original poster
lwatts32 · 27/02/2023 19:59

He did try multiple times when SS was a toddler, until he was 4.5 and diagnosed with ASD, he/we then didn't try until he was 8 and after that DP was very against it as SS was fine in pull ups and he didn't want to cause any issues.

However, it is very expensive, we don't get them for free as we would pads so we order online, we get 27 for about £15 and I do worry in case they stop fitting him in a few years and if that happens I'm not sure what we'd do.

I did tell him if he uses the toilet at home (not school as I think that'll be too much at the moment) until Easter he can pick something at the shops, he had an accident after school as he was into his game and I think he forgot which makes DP believe he isn't ready.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 27/02/2023 20:05

If i was your DH i would be beyond grateful. From the little insight you've given here it sounds like he might be able to get it this time or is at least making some steps in the right direction. If he calls you mum and you're doing so much for him if course you should be able to make some decisions that you see aa being in his best interest.

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2023 20:06

Tbh I would have thought your dp would be really chuffed that his son has had such success with a little prompting. Surely its to be celebrated. Did you explain that you didn't plan it that it just happened quite naturally? Surely it will cut down on pull ups as dc will be able to wear one all day if he isn't soiling them. If he is in special school they can very gently start prompting too once he is doing OK at home

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2023 20:07

We found putting small strip of cloth or non absorbant kitchen roll in pull up worked well for one of our dc as they felt wet without that horrible wet pants feeling that can cause meltdown

FirstFallopians · 27/02/2023 20:08

Other posters have made good points about your DP’s unreasonableness, but I just wanted to chime in to say that you sound like a lovely stepmum, with good instincts.

It sounds like you were led by SS and he’s made really good progress with your support. Your DP should be feeling embarrassed.

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2023 20:08

lwatts32 · 27/02/2023 19:59

He did try multiple times when SS was a toddler, until he was 4.5 and diagnosed with ASD, he/we then didn't try until he was 8 and after that DP was very against it as SS was fine in pull ups and he didn't want to cause any issues.

However, it is very expensive, we don't get them for free as we would pads so we order online, we get 27 for about £15 and I do worry in case they stop fitting him in a few years and if that happens I'm not sure what we'd do.

I did tell him if he uses the toilet at home (not school as I think that'll be too much at the moment) until Easter he can pick something at the shops, he had an accident after school as he was into his game and I think he forgot which makes DP believe he isn't ready.

It's super early days. He may have accidents for the next few weeks until he gets the hang of it so I would let one afterschool accident put off toilet training

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2023 20:09

A pokemon (was the obsession at the time) buzzing watch worked well with my dc. It buzzed every hour and dc went to the toilet to try - they like a rule

PlinkPlonkFizz · 27/02/2023 20:14

You sound caring, respectful and encouraging with your DSS. His DF sounds too lazy to parent him properly because it's outrageous that just because there was no progress aged 8, he'd be happy to not at least try again.

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