To have attempted to toilet train without DP’s ‘permission”

[lwatts32]

DP has a 12 (nearly 13) year old son, he's had full custody of him since he was about a year old and I've been in his life since he was 5 and he calls me mum etc. He has ASD and is very delayed. He's still in pull ups, he refuses pads etc and will only wear dry nights which are expensive. I'm also 24 weeks pregnant and I've just got our youngest out of nappies and me and DP were talking about trying again with SS.

We last tried when he was 8 and it didn't go well, we made the mistake of taking them away and putting him in underwear which made him very distressed so we gave up after about 2 days and haven't tried again since.

SS seemed interested when DS was getting praised for using the toilet so after school on Friday (DP was away with work) I asked him if he wanted to do the same, he said yes but I was unsure as he usually says yes as an answer to most questions. However, on Saturday he went on the toilet a few times, he did have a few accidents but then yesterday he was dry all day.

DP is now home and I've told him and he isn't happy that I've done this without his ‘permission’ as all decisions about SS should be up to him, reminded me about last time - although I've not mentioned wearing underwear to SS or taken his pull ups away, accused me of pushing SS into this etc.

Just to add, DP does seem to ‘baby’ SS, I don't mean that in a horrible way as I know he does struggle, but for example when DP is away SS usually will change himself, he will ask me but I encourage him to try to himself first and he knows I'm around if he needs help, however DP agrees and doesn't encourage him to try himself first as he says it's easier if he just does it.

Was I BU?

Dad is weird surely op recognising that the son was interested in going to the toilet like you would with a younger child was acting in his sons best interests, this asking permission shite is nonsense he’s 12 he needs to train and if this is the time he’s wanting to do it himself then do it, dad needs to let go a bit and do his bit with his child and not leave it all to op.

im saying this as a parent of an Asd/adhd 11 year old who isn’t completely trained, has accidents and soils, he wears pull ups at night or he floats out his bed - camhs think he likes the sensation of being wet/dirty. We’ve had camhs, psychiatry urology and paeds on board and meds etc
he is medically fine, he used to withhold so had constipation but is no longer.

We try every so often to encourage him to go, set alarms, reward etc but he flips out and won’t do it or talk about it, it’s very difficult and I don’t want to be changing his bottom at high school, but it will need to be lead by him. I’ve tried everything I can think of, he’s had alarms, meds, we took the pull ups away and have so much washing it’s ridiculous. It can be quite overwhelming. So no I don’t neglect my child, but you can’t force him or get angry as things go backwards with negativity. it’s like banging your head off a brick wall at times as things don’t get any better, then you get the people judging you. Op you’ve done amazing noticing things, dad just needs to let go, realise you can parent too or he does it all himself!!

Yes. And a delay of two days in order to discuss with your partner starting earlier than agreed isn’t going to make one bit of a difference.

Yes, it might - he was interested, you go with the interest. Tomorrow he might not be interested, because he was turned away yesterday.

The idea of waiting until there is a new born as well as a toddler to start working on potty training, when he's showing interest now, and can learn at the same time as his little brother is mad.

If my ex had seen one day when he was looking after the kids for the weekend (Ha!) that DS1 or 2 was interested in potty training and to let them have a go, I would have had no problem with it. Why would anyone have any problem with it?

I reckon OP's ex is mainly lazy, and doesn't want to put in the effort or deal with any extra mess (not that there is mess because OP, sensibly, remembering last time, has left him in his familiar pullups)

For 'it's easier to just do it for him', read 'I'm too lazy to teach my child'. I'm afraid all too many parents end up doing things for their kids, because it's quicker and easier than having to keep repeating things regularly until the child 'gets it', but doing it for them, really doesn't teach them anything, and results in yet another lazy child who progresses to be another lazy adult, and so the cycle goes on. I fully appreciate that teaching a child who has the difficulties your DSS has, must be even more trying than with the average child, but even so, your DH isn't doing right by him, if he fails to put in the effort.

On the other hand OP, you are doing a fantastic job, under what would be trying circumstances for many of us, and then your lazy arsed DH wants to undermine you. Tell him, he either supports you fully when it comes to decisions you make regarding DSS, or from now on, he does EVERYTHING himself.

I.think.people who.have no.idea about how hard it is to.toilet train a disabled child need lay off the dad.a bit it's nothing like toilet training a toddler when we toilet trained my son it took.a good 18 months and progress was very slow initially ,my son wouldn't even go near the toilet initially and even my sons special school said my son wasn't ready it takes a huge amount of persistence ,it's great the Op.is giving it a go but it can be very much one step forward two steps back at the beginning.

I've trained my own kids and many of the severely autistic children that I've spent a professional lifetime teaching. And it's about seizing the moment.

If a child in your care suddenly demonstrates an interest in sitting on the toilet (or another unexpected sign of readiness) you don't hang around asking permission. You let them do it. And if they're really pleased with themselves, then you carry on through the day if it's motivated them. At school I'd let the parent know at the end of the day. At home I'd tell (not ask) my DH when he came home.
And in both cases it wouldn't matter what plan we might have had. Because it's the kid's interest and readiness that matters, and if it happens at some random time, you don't ignore that.

I've never had anyone be anything other than thrilled that the child had shown readiness, had success, and been pleased with themselves.

I have seen your posts before and I understand you did an amazing job as a special needs teacher you probably taught many children like my son
i it's other posters I have an issue with who.don't seem to.understand how hard toilet training a disabled child can be it needs consistency and everyone on board

Me and DP didn't agree that we will try after baby is born, he just said that he thought we should but I do think it was to delay it so then he could use the new baby as an excuse etc.

I have told him he's being ridiculous but he doesn't think he is, he made a silly comment earlier about next time he's away I'll be forcing SS into underwear, which I won't and that will be mainly SS’s decision which I haven't even mentioned to him in case he sees using the toilet as a punishment (that if he uses it and makes good progress the pull ups will be taken away etc). I do think he's been making the progress because we/I haven't taken them away so he feels comfortable using the toilet as it's not too many changes at once, which would definitely cause him a lot of anxiety and upset.

DP has said he doesn't care if I carry on but he won't be involved as he apparently he knows SS doesn't understand as if we didn't ask him, he wouldn't ask/tell us when he needed the toilet. I am going to carry on, SS has had another good day and I think if I do stop now he will be confused especially as he's already chosen what he’d like from the shops as his reward.

So now you're also stuck doing full time childcare because he won't take DS to the toilet if you don't? The guys a prick.

Waaaahht a jerk.

Handily turned it around so you're responsible for it all.

OP, you sound so caring and thoughtful and prepared. Your children are lucky to have you looking out for them. Don't ever let him make you doubt yourself on that.

Oh.. if it starts going well, just keep an eye out for him sabotaging it by trying to force SS into pants (sounds like he's already thinking of it - accusations are admissions).

Your DP is a bit of a shit, isn't he? Not willing to put in the work to encourage his son to progress, no, it's more CONVENIENT for him, the adult, to keep his son infantilised. He is neglecting his son.

And as others have said, I'd be on the lookout for sabotage. I suspect your partner would rather be 'right' than be a good parent. Your DSS is very lucky to have you.

So now you're also stuck doing full time childcare because he won't take DS to the toilet if you don't?

He said whilst he's looking after SS alone or I’m busy etc, he won't be asking SS but he doesn't mind if I do as it's up to me if I do even though he doesn't agree with it.

Oh.. if it starts going well, just keep an eye out for him sabotaging it by trying to force SS into pants (sounds like he's already thinking of it - accusations are admissions).

I didn't think of that! I don't think he would but I'm unsure now as he might to try to stop SS wanting to use the toilet

That is so sad. A DF actually hindering his own son's development.

That just backs up my initial impression of your partner being a proper toss pot and letting his son down to prove a point to you. He's now using his son against you to show he's right.

This is abusive.