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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have attempted to toilet train without DP’s ‘permission”

164 replies

lwatts32 · 27/02/2023 18:39

DP has a 12 (nearly 13) year old son, he's had full custody of him since he was about a year old and I've been in his life since he was 5 and he calls me mum etc. He has ASD and is very delayed. He's still in pull ups, he refuses pads etc and will only wear dry nights which are expensive. I'm also 24 weeks pregnant and I've just got our youngest out of nappies and me and DP were talking about trying again with SS.

We last tried when he was 8 and it didn't go well, we made the mistake of taking them away and putting him in underwear which made him very distressed so we gave up after about 2 days and haven't tried again since.

SS seemed interested when DS was getting praised for using the toilet so after school on Friday (DP was away with work) I asked him if he wanted to do the same, he said yes but I was unsure as he usually says yes as an answer to most questions. However, on Saturday he went on the toilet a few times, he did have a few accidents but then yesterday he was dry all day.

DP is now home and I've told him and he isn't happy that I've done this without his ‘permission’ as all decisions about SS should be up to him, reminded me about last time - although I've not mentioned wearing underwear to SS or taken his pull ups away, accused me of pushing SS into this etc.

Just to add, DP does seem to ‘baby’ SS, I don't mean that in a horrible way as I know he does struggle, but for example when DP is away SS usually will change himself, he will ask me but I encourage him to try to himself first and he knows I'm around if he needs help, however DP agrees and doesn't encourage him to try himself first as he says it's easier if he just does it.

Was I BU?

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 19:59

Perhaps when OP is at work, and the DP is caring for the new baby, the DP can just decide to go against any agreements they had regarding the baby? That’s what you’re advocating isn’t it? That whoever happens to not be at work, but home with the DC has full authority to overrule any/all parenting agreements they had with their partner on the spot, without even so much as a courtesy notification. Just come home and find out, you’ve been overruled.

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:00

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 19:59

Perhaps when OP is at work, and the DP is caring for the new baby, the DP can just decide to go against any agreements they had regarding the baby? That’s what you’re advocating isn’t it? That whoever happens to not be at work, but home with the DC has full authority to overrule any/all parenting agreements they had with their partner on the spot, without even so much as a courtesy notification. Just come home and find out, you’ve been overruled.

If the decisions that have been made aren't in the child's best interests then yes. The parent who's there at the time makes a decision on what happens next.

Fansandblankets · 28/02/2023 20:00

Bunnyishotandcross · 27/02/2023 18:41

Dss needs to see a urologist.
At 12 he needs medication not toilet training.
Ime

He has ASD! Did you miss that bit? My autistic son is in his 20’s and is toilet trained but many of his peers are not. It’s not that easy.

Fansandblankets · 28/02/2023 20:01

Bunnyishotandcross · 27/02/2023 20:15

Look up Primary Enuresis op.
Needs medication

The child is autistic.

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2023 20:02

No. Its not shared parenting. Because he's not there. The OP is there. And she's an intelligent adult who he clearly considers competent to look after his son.

And if she makes an informed decision to alter a plan... that's OK.

Can you even imagine if she phoned him at work everytime a plan changed?

But yes OP, if he feels you can't be trusted. Step away. Let him find someone else.

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 20:03

Oh, OP, even though we agreed on only formula/breastmilk to drink for our 6mo old, the baby was showing interest in my cup of tea so I gave them a bottle with tea. What you’re upset? Tough shit. You “swanned off” to work so I get to ignore every parenting agreement we’ve ever made. Just like you did with DSS.

FrostyFifi · 28/02/2023 20:04

After this, she cannot be trusted to keep to her word or agreements with her partner

Best she withdraws from providing any care then and leaves it 100% to the boy's father, if she's that untrustworthy.

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 20:04

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2023 20:02

No. Its not shared parenting. Because he's not there. The OP is there. And she's an intelligent adult who he clearly considers competent to look after his son.

And if she makes an informed decision to alter a plan... that's OK.

Can you even imagine if she phoned him at work everytime a plan changed?

But yes OP, if he feels you can't be trusted. Step away. Let him find someone else.

Yes it is shared parenting because most parents have to work! What world do you live in where both parents are with their DC 24/7?!

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:04

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 20:03

Oh, OP, even though we agreed on only formula/breastmilk to drink for our 6mo old, the baby was showing interest in my cup of tea so I gave them a bottle with tea. What you’re upset? Tough shit. You “swanned off” to work so I get to ignore every parenting agreement we’ve ever made. Just like you did with DSS.

That's not in the child's best interests though, is it.

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2023 20:05

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 19:59

Perhaps when OP is at work, and the DP is caring for the new baby, the DP can just decide to go against any agreements they had regarding the baby? That’s what you’re advocating isn’t it? That whoever happens to not be at work, but home with the DC has full authority to overrule any/all parenting agreements they had with their partner on the spot, without even so much as a courtesy notification. Just come home and find out, you’ve been overruled.

Yes. If the OP leaves the dad with a bottle and says "the next feed is at 12" the dad may change that time.

Because he may use his brain to decide the baby is hungry earlier.

FrostyFifi · 28/02/2023 20:05

There's always one 🙄

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 20:05

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:00

If the decisions that have been made aren't in the child's best interests then yes. The parent who's there at the time makes a decision on what happens next.

Show quote history

Toilet training isn’t an urgent or emergency situation she could have contacted the father.

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2023 20:06

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 20:04

Yes it is shared parenting because most parents have to work! What world do you live in where both parents are with their DC 24/7?!

Show quote history

And when one parent is at work and one is on duty. The one with the child has to make the decisions.

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 20:06

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:04

That's not in the child's best interests though, is it.

Show quote history

Both parents get to decide what is in the child’s best interests. That’s the whole point of making agreements and then honouring them.

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 20:07

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2023 20:06

And when one parent is at work and one is on duty. The one with the child has to make the decisions.

Show quote history

But this isn’t a day to day minor decision. This is one that they already had agreed on and she’s gone against the joint decision behind his back.

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:09

Toilet training isn’t an urgent or emergency situation she could have contacted the father.

Have you ever toilet trained, full stop? Let alone toilet trained a child with clearly quite severe learning difficulties?

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:10

Do you know @Onnabugeisha, if this was a NT 3 year old you'd be saying the fathers being ridiculous.

Fansandblankets · 28/02/2023 20:10

I have a severely autistic child. He was toilet trained at 4 years old with the help of his therapists. We literally did nothing but toilet training for a solid 2 weeks. There was a method to it but it was tough.

my son is in his 20’s now and last year at college he was the only one of 6 boys in his class that doesn’t wear pull ups. I think when a child is delayed it’s imperative you keep trying and if he’s showing signs of wanting to it definitely needs encouraging. My two closest friends both have autistic boys the same age as my son and neither of them have been able to toilet train their boys.

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 20:11

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:09

Toilet training isn’t an urgent or emergency situation she could have contacted the father.

Have you ever toilet trained, full stop? Let alone toilet trained a child with clearly quite severe learning difficulties?

Yes. And a delay of two days in order to discuss with your partner starting earlier than agreed isn’t going to make one bit of a difference.

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2023 20:11

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 20:07

But this isn’t a day to day minor decision. This is one that they already had agreed on and she’s gone against the joint decision behind his back.

Show quote history

This isn't a 'decision' at all. This is a normal, rationale response to a 12 year old who expressed an interest in using a toilet.

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 20:12

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2023 20:11

This isn't a 'decision' at all. This is a normal, rationale response to a 12 year old who expressed an interest in using a toilet.

Show quote history

?? What is up with you. You spend post after post arguing it is a decision, and now you are arguing it’s not a decision?

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:13

@Onnabugeisha if a child wants to toilet train you let them toilet train. You don't tell them they have to wait for daddy to say it's ok. You encourage and support and reward them. Any child.

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2023 20:14

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:10

Do you know @Onnabugeisha, if this was a NT 3 year old you'd be saying the fathers being ridiculous.

Quite.

And here we have a 12 year old... not seizing this moment is at best thick. At worst abusive.

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2023 20:15

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 20:12

?? What is up with you. You spend post after post arguing it is a decision, and now you are arguing it’s not a decision?

Show quote history

What's up with you trying to delay a 12 year old from toilet training?

EgyptianCat · 28/02/2023 20:15

You should explain to your DP that toileting is something which needs actively taught and practised with your DS, you don’t wait for him to be ready. You wouldn’t wait for your child to be ‘ready’ to write their name, you break the learning down into small steps - activities to build fine motor skills, finger painting, scribbling with crayons and chalk, painting with a brush, holding a pencil, mark making, drawing pictures and eventually drawing letters. In the same way you can teach toileting skills - pulling clothes down and up, flushing the toilet, sitting on the toilet, washing and drying hands, wiping with help, wiping independently. There are so many skills and getting the pee in the toilet is just a small part of that. Well done to your DS for managing some of those skills. I’m sure it would benefit him to keep going and building on those skills. Yes in an ideal world you’d have discussed things first, but you were led by your child and it would now be more confusing to stop.