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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have attempted to toilet train without DP’s ‘permission”

164 replies

lwatts32 · 27/02/2023 18:39

DP has a 12 (nearly 13) year old son, he's had full custody of him since he was about a year old and I've been in his life since he was 5 and he calls me mum etc. He has ASD and is very delayed. He's still in pull ups, he refuses pads etc and will only wear dry nights which are expensive. I'm also 24 weeks pregnant and I've just got our youngest out of nappies and me and DP were talking about trying again with SS.

We last tried when he was 8 and it didn't go well, we made the mistake of taking them away and putting him in underwear which made him very distressed so we gave up after about 2 days and haven't tried again since.

SS seemed interested when DS was getting praised for using the toilet so after school on Friday (DP was away with work) I asked him if he wanted to do the same, he said yes but I was unsure as he usually says yes as an answer to most questions. However, on Saturday he went on the toilet a few times, he did have a few accidents but then yesterday he was dry all day.

DP is now home and I've told him and he isn't happy that I've done this without his ‘permission’ as all decisions about SS should be up to him, reminded me about last time - although I've not mentioned wearing underwear to SS or taken his pull ups away, accused me of pushing SS into this etc.

Just to add, DP does seem to ‘baby’ SS, I don't mean that in a horrible way as I know he does struggle, but for example when DP is away SS usually will change himself, he will ask me but I encourage him to try to himself first and he knows I'm around if he needs help, however DP agrees and doesn't encourage him to try himself first as he says it's easier if he just does it.

Was I BU?

OP posts:
LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 20:14

I can understand that a knee-jerk reaction might be to say, ‘woah, we should have discussed this’…but it should have been followed up with a ‘sorry, I’m being a right, over-protective papa bear, aren’t I? It’s amazing that he’s giving it a go! Thank you for being an awesome mum to him.’

But, if he’s a helicopter parent, and it sounds like he is, then that will never happen. Unfortunately, despite the fact that your DH likely only has his kid’s best interests at heart, your SS will end up deskilled - exploring and trying new things should be supported and validated, otherwise your SS will end up thinking he can’t do anything for himself. You obvs know that as you are letting him take the lead and helping him try the new experience which may, at some point in the future, bear fruit.

Way to go, OP! 👏

Bunnyishotandcross · 27/02/2023 20:15

Look up Primary Enuresis op.
Needs medication

Goodread1 · 27/02/2023 20:22

Your Partner is a Controlling freak man child ,
So you are good enough to look after his child,
Good enough for him to want you to be the mother to be of unborn baby his,

But he doesn't think you have enough common sense to do right thing with toilet training,
What weird logic has he got then, !

I have a feeling you are going to regret sooner or later he is father of your unborn baby,
Sorry to say,

What a dick move tactic, to do to kick up , (create a drama a situation,
Just cause he is obviously very insecure and he sees you as being so competent, that he has to undermine gas light 🙄 you to make his fragile male ego, feel better,
as he feels his under threat, by how potentially good/better at looking his child Op,

A good enough emotional mature Partner would be full of 👏 praise,
Be like sweet music to their ears,
Would appreciate that you take in interest and care /look after his child, like he is your own child,
And yet your Prick of a Joke of so called Partner,
Talks to you like your rebellious child/teenager who needs to kept in check, has transgressed, (crossed a invisible boundary

What a shit Partner you have Op, !

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/02/2023 20:23

all decisions about SS should be up to him

Then all care should be up to him.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/02/2023 20:26

Blimey your DP should be thanking his lucky stars he has you. And no, you are co-parenting - of course you don’t have full parental responsibility - but this is easily within your remit, and you acted reasonably.

Your DP’s attitude to his son is odd. 4 years ago is a very long time.He needs to let him grow up.

His attitude to you is also concerning. You aren’t the housemaid.

IncessantNameChanger · 27/02/2023 20:26

You sound amazing. Your ss is lucky to have you. You must be so proud of him. Well done to both of you

AHelpfulHand · 27/02/2023 20:29

Your ‘d’h is a cheeky fucker for leaving childcare to you, but then saying all decisions are to be made by him!

Goodread1 · 27/02/2023 20:29

Oops I ment to say he sees you as a threat /like its competition that you are unaware you are part of,
as you are competent enough(good enough to show up his flaws/faults which he is obviously insecure about,

I wouldn't be susprised when the new born baby arrives
that you feel like you are a mother of 3 children ,
the 3rd one is obviously your Prick of a joke man child control freak Partner Op

Nomoreno · 27/02/2023 20:29

You tell DP to fuck off because as far as you're concerned you are his Mum. I'd lay it on really really thick on that specific point.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2023 20:29

This thread made me tear up a little bit

Wtf is wrong with your “partner” ?

user1473878824 · 27/02/2023 20:30

He’s an arse but I mainly wanted to say well done to both you and SS! He’s lucky to have you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/02/2023 20:31

Well, if his father wants that level of control, I assume you'll be saving up every item that ever gets wet as a result of a leaking/overflowing pull up so that he can wash them on his return?

After all, if he's that determined to keep his child in pull ups even past the age/size that ones acceptable to your SS are made in, surely he wants to have full control of ensuring all stains, smells, bleaching and damage is removed by washing it all himself, rather than expecting somebody who isn't the child's biological mother or father to do it?

I'm willing to bet that whilst there could well be accidents without pull ups (and no big deal if there are), he's quite happy for the lad to remain totally incontinent whilst he's not the person dealing with it.

YANBU. He is, though.

Goodread1 · 27/02/2023 20:33

Sounds like a shit father too

Wasywasydoodah · 27/02/2023 20:34

Sounds neglectful NOT trying tbh

TheToyStoreAlienMum · 27/02/2023 20:35

YANBU

My DC has some LDs and took ages to potty train. For awhile while they were in preschool room of Nursery they'd just let DC sit on the toilet when their friends went, whether DC did anything or not they'd get a sticker and then that progressed to only getting the sticker if they did something etc.

It took 4 years in total to get them out of nappies fully including night time, and a lot of hardwork, but it was so worth it.

Well done you for being such a good mum to your DSS!

aSofaNearYou · 27/02/2023 20:36

Actual issue with DSS aside, YANBU - your DP has an absolute cheek talking of "permission" when he's away with work and you've been looking after his child for him (and a child with complex needs at that). He should be eternally grateful to you, and ashamed of himself for saying that.

Littlefaeries · 27/02/2023 20:36

From now on ring your dp every time you have to do something for ss.
He wants a cheese sandwich, that OK?
Can ss wear his new trainers to the park?
Is ss allowed to go on his game?
Will you be free to take ss swimming/doctors/etc?

Give it a week.

GabriellaMontez · 27/02/2023 20:37

LaFemmeDamnee · 27/02/2023 18:45

So you're good enough to act as a mother, and tend to all his personal care needs. But not allowed to make a decision. Fuck that.

This.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 27/02/2023 20:37

I've got a severely autistic and learning disabled son and consistency is the key.if he's made progress in two days he's doing well so get your other half on board.
Its obviously going to cause a bit of distress as your changing the way he's toileted for all his life but it needs to be done so your other half needs to keep doing it too.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/02/2023 20:38

You have done such an amazing job of picking up the signs your SS was ready to try toileting again it breaks my heart a bit for your husband to have this reaction towards you tbh.

I have a child with ASD, still in pull ups and it sounds like your husband has fallen into the trap of thinking that it's easier overall if he just carries on doing what he is used to now instead of trying to encourage progress with his son.
It is a fallacy and he so grateful should be so grateful he has a supportive wife to help.
To not carry on with what you and SS have already achieved will negatively affect his son in the future, his stance is damaging, he needs to be made to understand this.

That boy is as much yours as his now, thank you for doing such a lovely job with him op.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/02/2023 20:39
  • he should be grateful, sorry.
boboshmobo · 27/02/2023 20:39

Does he get money for ss , that would be my immediate thoughts to why he doesn't want him toilet trained

I have a son who has sn and it took me years of training to get him clean and dry but I wanted it so much I wasn't giving up .. we cracked it about age 6/7 .. he would still be in nappies now if I hadn't for sure !

Well done 👍

Landndialamrhf · 27/02/2023 20:40

So DSS was interested in using the toilet and you let him and DH is mad?
if DSs is hungry must you call DH and ask permission to feed him?
what if DSS wants to change his clothes? Or go outside? All decisions must go through him right?

absolutely ridiculous.
if you’d taken his pull ups away and started full training maybe I’d see the point, but encouraging him to use the toilet when he wants to is not a problem
if DH thinks you’re unable to make reasonable decisions in place of him, when he’s not around, he needs to ensure he is the one caring for DSS 24/7 or that he finds someone who will do it to his standards.
also, not even attempting to potty train his son for five years, because it got a bit hard last time isn’t acceptable. He is doing DSS a disservice.

EyesOnThePies · 27/02/2023 20:56

YANBU.

Your Dsd showed an interest and a willingness, and you responded by taking the opportunity…. While his father was away having left you in loco parentis.

Rosebel · 27/02/2023 20:58

In your OP you said you and DP were talking about trying to toilet train your DSS so surely it was agreed that you were going to toilet train him.
Even if I've read that wrong your DP is still a massive prick. I'd just refuse to do anything and tell DP everything is on him now, especially finding childcare for his son at the weekend.
I think if you do this he'll realise he's being a twat but if he doesn't apologise and mean it then just continue to make him do everything. Or leave him as clearly he doesn't respect you.