To charge DH for my lost earnings?

[Wiwi]

My DH is a contractor and will soon need to look for another role hes been WFH for 4 years. I've found WFH one but it's not as much pay as canary wharf 5 days per week which will mean he will live at his mums and commute in. We have never really shared finances wholly,
I work in a job with unsociable hours , I make good money but I have to leave at 8-9pm I work compressed hours. If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD. I have no outside help.

I've told DH that he will either have to top up my wages to how much I've lost or pay for a nanny. I also have a health condition and compressed hours make it easier to manage.
DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life. I would rather he took the job with less pay so I am able to work as I need too.

I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

If she's 10, you don't need a nanny! Could she do some clubs in the evenings that you're working? It would help her to have something during this time to occupy her.

To be fair, it is the combination of jobs that mean that you need some childcare. But I do think you need to discuss finances. Do you both pay 50/50 into the mortgage, bills, and groceries? What about paying for holidays? If DH wants to pay more for some of these things, liek a good holiday a year, then that would be something.

We've always had an arrangement where we both pay a portion of our wages into a household account, so the more we earn, the more we pay in. But our personal finances are are onw so we have independence still. Maybe that would work better as his increased wages would then benefit you?

You are correct OP... the childcare is on him to sort and pay for.

You looked after your daughter until she was 8.. loosing out on 8 years of salary, career progression and pensions on top of the impact of being a woman and a mother had on your career. The scales will never be balanced in that regard, do not give up your job or take a step back, you already know that he does not value the sacrifice that you have made.

He can cover 3 or 4 days a week for the next 8 years if your daughter wants someone home to cook dinner for her in the evenings for that long. Maybe you could get a lodger monday to friday who cooks and cleans in return for a room in your house or a housekeeper / companion for your daughter who works 2 hours 3 evenings a week.

He needs to bear the cost of this.. you should not drop your earnings.

If you are still together in 8 years... you can both do whatever you like!

This certainly doesn't seem like a 'normal', mutually beneficial, loving marriage.

Stick to your guns OP.

I've read a few posts. It is very concerned when you say he doesn't pay for a pension. If not a pension, what are his future plans? Property? Other investments? General savings?

Something to consider is your retirement plan. If you are going to be mainly funding yourself, you need to keep working and contributing now to pay for it.

Perhaps it is time to sit down as a couple and make a spreadsheet of your essential outgoings and work out actually how much you need to earn to live. Then go from there. Make JOINT decisions based on your family and future, not ego.

Many, many families have to do this. We did for a number of years as my DH had to work where the industry was and as a family we didn't want to move.

Forces families do it all the time. Oil rig workers...and so on. It's not ideal but I wouldn't call it 'shocking'

The problem in the OP's case is her husband's total selfishness

This is a pretty depressing read, I'm sorry, OP. Everything seems to come down to money in quite a cold way. I am NOT saying that you shouldn't prioritise your financial independence and career, at all; but it seems like you're not really in a team with your DH, rather a sort of negotiation where each of you tries to get the most out that you can. It's thoroughly odd that you don't share finances at all. It would still be possible to have some sort of joint account, and keep personal accounts as well, for example.

It seems like you're both pulling in opposite directions, and I'm not really sure what for exactly. You're both clearly high earners, with a home and a child. What's causing the constant striving and stress around money? When comes the time to actually enjoy the financial security, that you've both clearly worked hard for, with your DD as a family? I suspect it's because you don't have trust in your DH, because of his attitude to money. This wouldn't be a situation I'd want to stay in. It's like there is no priority for family life because you always have to be on your toes about money, despite earning well. Not worth it, imo.

I guess so. For me it’s a bit like the whole argument about sending children to boarding school - ie when that crops up on Mumsnet you get people saying it’s cruel / they could never do it and other people saying it’s normal in their circles and they have to because of work etc. I just wouldn’t go for a career or job that meant I needed to be away from my family for long stretches. But I do appreciate everyone is different. I would just make other sacrifices and prefer to exist on a much lower income.

This is bonkers.
If he were a reasonable man who respected you as an equal, then (as you want to retain your own money), the obvious solution is to both keep your own personal bank accounts, then pay enough money each (worked out based on your relative salaries) into a joint account to cover your family outgoings. Childcare is a family outgoing. If he were a reasonable man, how could he possibly disagree with any of that?

But he clearly isn't a reasonable man who respects you as an equal. He clearly was and maybe still is financially abusive. He sees his money as his money, and childcare as your responsibility (both financially and as a mother). And he sounds highly irresponsible financially as well. Being good company and making you laugh is nice and all, but it's not enough.

So- based on your daily rates (and working approx 360 days a year just to give some idea of income) you are - together - bringing in almost £500K pa.

The simplest solution is you pay for a nanny to cover the 3 days when your DD will need someone with her until you get home.

OR if his work is always going to be in London, you consider moving house.

BUT I don't think your marriage stands much of a chance long term if you are arguing over this.

You don't appear to be willing to pull together, or you compromising.

You appear to think that life is all about financial transactions, rather than behaving like a couple who love each other and want the best for their child.

Your post is all about YOU.

@BarkingBeachDog did you see what time OP is leaving for work? 6:30 am.
Do you expect a 10 yo be at home by herself and walk to breakfast club in the morning?

I don't see why I should have to share the cost of the nanny when it is his choice to get a job in London.

Because the child you have belongs to both of you, perhaps?
And his larger salary can buy you all those things you want like a nice home (which you couldn't afford alone.)

You also sound very resentful of being a SAHM for 6 years. Why didn't you work then?

Your poor DD is caught up in the middle of all of this. No one seems to care about her!

She's 10. Going through puberty. Do you really think that a nanny coming in at 4pm and looking after her till almost 10pm is best for her? That's the time of day that kids want their parents- to talk about their school day, share their homework, etc.

You aren't willing to cut back on your hours- you will lose too much income, you say.

BUT you are happy for your husband to turn down a job paying more.

Sorry but your relationship sounds ridiculous. This is not how couples behave if they are pulling together as a family. The fact your H is going to live nr his work is not really the point. Many people living and working in London don't get home till 7pm.

Do you think everyone WFH or gets home early?

I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

Can you maintain the lifestyle you have alone? The mortgage and all outgoings?

If not, you don't have financial independence. You're kidding yourself.

You could perhaps survive, in a smaller house, and paying for childcare.

What comes over is your career is the most important thing, followed by YOUR money and your DD is way down the list.

@AIBUNo

Wby are you addressing all these questions about their dd to the op?

It's him who wants to work away.

Shouldn't he be the one considering his dd?

I can't believe the OP is being castigated for prioritizing her career/income now, after six years as SAHM. Are we back in the 1950s?

She is setting a good example for her daughter, who will be fine with some wraparound care.

OP, can you get a uni student to perhaps come and spend the night on the days you work, so she is there when your daughter is leaving for school and to sit with her in the evenings, prepare dinner with her, etc?

I don’t get why you’d want to be in a relationship with someone who you think “mildly” financially abused you. He’s trying the same shit again now.

You basically don’t trust him - quite rightly - and without trust you don’t really have a relationship. You’re frenemies.

I can't believe the OP is being castigated for prioritizing her career/income now, after six years as SAHM. Are we back in the 1950s?

She CHOSE to not work for 6 years. She could have had childcare then.

Her earning power is not being impacted.

What she means is she will lose some of it to pay for childcare and he's agreed to pay 50-50 for that. Her earning power will only be impacted if she reduces her hours and does the childcare herself.

It's very clear why she didn't want another child- too much impact on her carer- and now she is behaving as if her DD is a nuisance who is getting in the way of her earning money (despite the fact that as a couple they are earning almost £500K pa.)

That’s part of the job that the partner signed up to.

In this case - it’s a choice not a necessity.

This.

@AIBUNo

'behaving as if her DD is a nuisance who is getting in the way of her earning money'

No she isn't

Her dh on the other hand thinks it's perfectly acceptable to not see his dd Mon to Fri so he can earn a bit more money

Why are you ignoring that?

Don’t feed the troll.

In this case - it’s a choice not a necessity.

But if the choice is going to increase his earning power and enhance his career, which would benefit the family, why should he not do that?

The OP said she 'had found him a WFH job'.

If that's not controlling, I don't know what is.

@AIBUNo

Because it doesn't benefit the family?

The family won't see the extra money. And he won't see his child for most of the week.

I doubt the marriage will last.

If they can't agree on money and childcare, there is no future.

The family won't see the extra money. And he won't see his child for most of the week.

Not sure how you know that!

Has he told you where the money is going?

But of course, he's a man. So on MN he's not allowed to pursue a career. Only the OP is allowed to do that.

@AIBUNo

The op has clearly said they don't share money.

They pay a proportion each of bills and he spends the rest of his

He can persue his career

But don't pretend it will benefit the family or that the op is doing something wrong by protecting hers