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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge DH for my lost earnings?

349 replies

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 11:33

My DH is a contractor and will soon need to look for another role hes been WFH for 4 years. I've found WFH one but it's not as much pay as canary wharf 5 days per week which will mean he will live at his mums and commute in. We have never really shared finances wholly,
I work in a job with unsociable hours , I make good money but I have to leave at 8-9pm I work compressed hours. If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD. I have no outside help.

I've told DH that he will either have to top up my wages to how much I've lost or pay for a nanny. I also have a health condition and compressed hours make it easier to manage.
DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life. I would rather he took the job with less pay so I am able to work as I need too.

I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 15:11

I don't want to divorce we are just both very strong willed more so me nowadays. I really like having independence and my own money.

OP posts:
Redebs · 27/02/2023 15:11

Strange how cold and businesslike this is.
Sounds like you're both putting earnings higher on your priorities than anything else.

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 15:13

I mean there’s tight and then there’s bordering on financial abuse.

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 15:14

It’s possible to have independence and your own money with someone who actually wants to spend time with you though.

Tandora · 27/02/2023 15:14

KimberleyClark · 27/02/2023 11:49

I misread earnings for earrings in your title then wondered why yourOP didn’t mention them.

I agree with you btw

Omg same 🤣🤣. I was like who would charge their DH for lost earrings?! Hahaha

YANBU 100% OP,

NettleTea · 27/02/2023 15:15

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 15:13

I mean there’s tight and then there’s bordering on financial abuse.

Id say that this is financial abuse. And I have a wondering whether the job away is to reduce OPs earning capacity.

ConcordeOoter · 27/02/2023 15:16

Redebs · 27/02/2023 15:11

Strange how cold and businesslike this is.
Sounds like you're both putting earnings higher on your priorities than anything else.

Yeah, this is what I was thinking. If both parents have single people jobs, is DC going to be picking up the slack to enable that?

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 15:17

magma32 · 27/02/2023 14:32

Hi OP not read all your posts but
it seems your Dh is the one who won’t share finances with you which is why you are so protective over your job and financial independence, too right you need to protect yourself as he’s shown you what he’s like. I agree, he should be paying all the extra costs if it’s his idea to earn money for himself. I’m sure you’d be happy to do more childcare if he was making sure you were looked after financially but he doesn’t so he’s taking more hours and expects you to do more childcare and earn less subsequently.

If you are married then you will be entitled to more of his money/assets if you divorced so I would save up for a good lawyer incase you decide to leave him.
Not sure whose name the house is in? Is there something keeping you with him? Any kind of pressure to stay? Because he doesn’t see you as a family unit and I can see why you’ve had to carve out your own life to have some dignity and to protect yourself in the future.

I think he spends most of his income he gambles on high risk stocks , cars, motorbikes , there's equity in the house but it wouldn't set me up for life. t's really best I work. I do enjoy his company he makes me laugh and we have the same sense of humour it's the finances that are an issue.
, I just feel scared if he went to London I would feel vulnerable financially again.

OP posts:
Justkeepingplatesspinning · 27/02/2023 15:18

My DP works away during the week. We have completely joint finances other than our own 'spends' for each others birthday/ Christmas. We also worked out what we each need during the week for lunches, toiletries and so on, and a wee bit extra. Otherwise everything goes in and out of one bank account and evens out disparities in our incomes etc.

Sillyname63 · 27/02/2023 15:18

Surely if he is going to live at his mother's house he will also have to contribute something to her outgoings as well he can't expect free board and lodge, in this day and age.

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 15:22

NettleTea · 27/02/2023 15:15

Id say that this is financial abuse. And I have a wondering whether the job away is to reduce OPs earning capacity.

Show quote history

I think there was some mild financial abuse when DD was younger hence why I'm so reluctant. DH never saw it like that.I was thinking that but then he says things like I'd love you to win the lotto/ earn lots of money so I can be a sahd. It makes no sense. There's no way I can give up work or take less pay and feel happy about it.

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 27/02/2023 15:25

I think you need to find something that works for you both and this isn't it.
I would be very reluctant to make career changes when he keeps all the money to himself. You are doing the right thing keeping independence.

Dox9 · 27/02/2023 15:25

SnackSizeRaisin · 27/02/2023 14:29

So you are planning to leave your child with neither parent for 3-4 consecutive days each week? Presumably she will be in bed by 9 and not up till after 6.30 so she won't see either of you on the days you work. I don't think that's fair on a ten year old even if you have a nanny. Both parents sound very selfish. Perhaps the DD can go to live with mil as well.

This.
Money isn't everything.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/02/2023 15:26

Don't give up your earning power and financial independence.

Totally undertand why you don't want him to take the canary wharf job but can you figure out how to manage it for a while? maybe the novelty will wear off and he'll be more open to looking locally after a few months of the commute and his mother's company.

Is there a solution for care for your daughter on the nights you work late? Can you get a nanny or sitter to stay with her and get her to bed and all? With the right person that could be fun for her, a couple of nights per week.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/02/2023 15:28

Dox9 · 27/02/2023 15:25

This.
Money isn't everything.

Show quote history

I don't think it's that bad; there's no telling how long the arrangement will last. It's good for a young girl to see her mother prioritizing career and financial independence.

They can text and Facetime during the day, perhaps, when OP is on breaks at work.

Lots of kids have to be away from their parents, due to work, military deployments, illness, boarding school, etc., and they live to tell the tale.

SMabbutt · 27/02/2023 15:29

I know my dh would hate to miss out on time with his children so it would have to be a really good reason for him to do what your dh is suggestin. Would he take a big pay cut from his current earnings if he stayed wfh? If so I could perhaps understand it more, especially if the contracts aren't long term.

Maybe you should suggest splitting the childcare costs on the basis of the hours you are unavailable to care for your dc. He will be away 5 days so 120 hours a week and you work 3 x 14 hour days with an occasional 4th day so average it at 45 hours a week. So split the costs 3:8. It's still not ideal but at least you can give a logical rather than emotional reason why he needs to take on more of the financial burden if he won't do it off his own bat.

Partyandbullshit · 27/02/2023 15:30

Sorry, but reading your posts makes me feel very sorry for you OP. It seems the only thing your husband has going for him is that you find him funny. Otherwise, he sounds very selfish, egotistical, self-centered. Yours isn't a partnership. It's an arrangement. It sounds quite pitiful. I'm so sorry.

Timide · 27/02/2023 15:32

Are you a step mother?

WithFlamingLocksOfAuburnHair · 27/02/2023 15:34

I get where you're coming from OP. You have a good set up and your husband wants to mess it all up for what will be a net positive for him (more money) and a net negative for you and your kid (less money, impact on career, childcare costs, sole parenting during the week, etc).

PinkyFlamingo · 27/02/2023 15:38

I find lots of people funny but wouldn't want to be married to them.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 27/02/2023 15:40

I've read your last couple of posts and think he is getting his cake and eating it, the way you've got things set up financially. It does feel like financial abuse that he's unwilling to pool finances. It's not to say that he couldn't have his own spends, but combined household outgoings should be paid from combined income. If you're going to need to get a housekeeper for the days when you're out of the house early/back late, this should definitely come from shared/joint finances.

Xrays · 27/02/2023 15:40

There is absolutely no way, for any amount of money, I’d be happy with dh living elsewhere during the week, even less so with his Mum. Dh would feel the same and we just wouldn’t do it. We both want to be at home - he works full time and I’m a carer for our disabled child. But he wouldn’t even look for or entertain a job that wasn’t easily commutable. Yes that means we have a fraction of the income you do, literally a very low income but it’s more important to us to be together as a family. We also share all our income and have equal spending money. I just find living the way you do completely shocking, it’s like you’re a single parent really. (And I know some will leap on that and say you’re not and yeah I guess in some ways you have his input and money but that’s it really… and I’ve been a single parent working full time for years so can relate to that a bit!)

StarsSand · 27/02/2023 15:43

Absolutely he should pay for a nanny to cover the childcare and household duties he's sidestepping to make more money for himself.

It sounds like he is going to fritter away the extra income anyway and neither you nor DD will benefit at all so it's purely selfish.

magma32 · 27/02/2023 15:43

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 15:17

I think he spends most of his income he gambles on high risk stocks , cars, motorbikes , there's equity in the house but it wouldn't set me up for life. t's really best I work. I do enjoy his company he makes me laugh and we have the same sense of humour it's the finances that are an issue.
, I just feel scared if he went to London I would feel vulnerable financially again.

Show quote history

you’re doing the right thing, once you’ve experienced financial independence it’s hard to go back and not something I would advise you to do as you’ve experienced vulnerability under his hands so it would be silly to go back there despite what he says or promises in the future.

I do agree with other pp that it does sound like it was financial abuse even though he doesn’t see it which is what has made you more driven/ruthless towards having your own job and not losing out financially.

He does sound very selfish so you’re doing the right thing by questioning this new job of his.

aside from the sense of humour it doesn’t sound like there is much between you apart from your dd which is why I asked if there is any pressure to stay with him as everything sounds very business like although I understand how it has become like that due to his selfishness. It’s just sad to know the person you’re married to doesn’t have yours or your dd’s best interests at heart and that could cause a lot of resentment/negative feelings.

mellicauli · 27/02/2023 15:47

So what does he bring to the relationship?

I mean.. he's not putting any money on the table. He's not there for you all week, no one to talk to or just watch TV with. He's not there to do any house work or meal making or shopping or house maintenance all week. He's not there to talk to your daughter or take her to her activities or to help her with her homework.

He just comes home for his fun at the weekend? Honestly, as a partner, what is the point of this man?

You need to get into the habit of asking "what's in it for me?"