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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think this trip isn't really worth it?

310 replies

Funkyslippers · 27/02/2023 10:19

DD1 is at uni 200 miles away. She's due back for couple of weeks at Easter. She wants us to travel up with DD2 to meet her new boyfriend then we'd stay the night then drive back with her the next day. OH and I think it's a long journey to just meet her boyfriend for a couple of hours (on a bad day could take up to nearly 6 hours 1 way) plus expensive for us in petrol and accommodation for 3 people especially as she's coming home anyway. She says it would be cheaper for her if we drove as no train fare for her but we'd contribute to her train fare anyway. She reckons it's the only time in quite a while we'd get to meet him as he's working abroad for a few months. They've been together about 2 months but she's besotted. Would like some views please

OP posts:
Delatron · 27/02/2023 14:24

I’d go because I’d be thinking of the bigger picture/ long term relationship with my daughter.

Like another poster my parents drove me abroad for my year away. From the North of England to the South of France. I guess they could have waved me off on the plane. But this is what (kind) parents do. I haven’t forgotten that.

It’s not a 12 hour trip 200 miles does not take 6 hours.

I would do it to mantain a close relationship with my child. Basically. How lovely they want you to meet their boyfriend.

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 27/02/2023 14:26

MindPalace · 27/02/2023 10:26

No brainer for me - if my DD valued me enough to want me to meet her bf, I’d be delighted and be excited to meet him, whatever length the drive.

This!

Papershade5 · 27/02/2023 14:27

6 hours each way for a 200 mile trip?? Is that a total worst case scenario? I would go but then in my family we often do half way meet ups and do 150 for a day out

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/02/2023 14:28

They've been together for 8 weeks and he's about to work abroad for months? Sorry, but I wouldn't bother. It won't last.

She can get the train home and you can save money on petrol and hotel bills.

KittyMcKitty · 27/02/2023 14:30

Flamingogirl08 · 27/02/2023 10:28

If you're able to and your daughter really wants this I can't see why you wouldn't to be honest

This really. It’s obviously important to her that you come up (whether or not you agree with her reasons).

Dixiechickonhols · 27/02/2023 14:30

Twizbe · 27/02/2023 10:22

I prob would, but then I'm married to the boyfriend I met in my first year at uni 20 years ago....

Snap!
I would if you can afford it it’s nice she wants you to meet.

Lcb123 · 27/02/2023 14:37

Unless it’s genuine unaffordable I’d definitely go. It’s lovely she wants you to meet him. But I travel around a lot seeing friends and family and don’t think much of it. Why not make a nice holiday / mini break out of the trip

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 14:38

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 27/02/2023 13:59

I would absolutely go. I'd be pleased and flattered that she wanted us to meet him, that he wanted to meet us and that she wanted our company for the journey home.

@FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall

why would you be so pleased and flattered? Op is her mum! I’m sure she’s done a lot for her daughter in her lifetime so of course she should be viewed as important to her daughter

BellePeppa · 27/02/2023 14:39

I would if I could (money and time permitting). My son is at Uni and was very keen for me to meet his gf, which I did (and she’s lovely). It wasn’t as far as yours but I would have gone even if it were.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 14:40

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 27/02/2023 14:26

This!

Show quote history

@ChittyChittyBoomBoom
@MindPalace

of course your DD’s should value you!

Op is her mum! I’m sure she’s done a lot for her daughter in her lifetime so of course she should be viewed as important to her daughter.

you deserve to be valued by your children - doesn’t mean you have to really put yourself out in the way ops’s daughter is asking. I would never have put on my mum like this.

BellePeppa · 27/02/2023 14:41

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 14:38

@FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall

why would you be so pleased and flattered? Op is her mum! I’m sure she’s done a lot for her daughter in her lifetime so of course she should be viewed as important to her daughter

Show quote history

I didn’t like my bf’s meeting my mum because she’s a bit (let’s say odd). The fact my son wanted me to meet his gf very early on was definitely flattering to me.

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 14:41

She may assume her parents adore her and will want to do this and meet him

Well clearly, as the pre-25 yo brain is invariably self-centred by design.

aSofaNearYou · 27/02/2023 14:43

*I think a lot of us on there would do it out of mutual enjoyment of each other’s company. Enjoyment. Which is mutual. Not desperation and clinginess. 😆

I’m sorry for the people who don’t seem to have close and loving relationships with their family members, whether with their own parents or with their children.*

I'm sad for them too - that was very much the point. I already had a good relationship with my parents so if I said jump, they didn't have to say how high. I appreciate that lots of people might just enjoy the trip but I'm more talking about the strong narrative of people saying "your teenager has asked you to do something, of course you do it", with the heavy implication that this is rare and hard to achieve. I'm not judging people whose relationship is like that, I'm just saying it wasn't for me so if it isn't for Op either then I probably wouldn't bother.

In terms of just enjoying the time with them, I can't say I know anyone that would be overly keen on driving that distance just to spend time together when they're on their way to see you anyway so you're about to have plenty of time together. It's just more sensible to get the train.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/02/2023 14:45

Why doesn't she bring him home to met you, instead of expecting you to traipse up to see her, and drag her sibling with you, then shell out for a hotel (and presumably dinner for them both too)?

Because she wants an easy life and a free ride home. I'd say he's welcome to come and visit you and leave it at that.

JPG21 · 27/02/2023 14:47

I wouldn't, she'll likely have had a dozen boyfriends by the time she leaves and they've been together 5 mins. If she wants to bring him round to the house to meet you fair enough but travelling hundreds of miles and £s, crazy!

Knitterofcrap · 27/02/2023 14:48

What’s the betting you drive all the way there and new boyfriend is unavailable. Never mind, you can drive DD back now you’re there!!

Definitely a bit “extra” to be meeting a new boyfriend this early at that age. Pretty cringe.

I would send her the train fare and say you will stay for a few days next time.

LadyWithLapdog · 27/02/2023 14:55

I think it’s a bit overwhelming to meet the parents at such an early stage. If it was just dinner somewhere, or Sunday lunch, ok. But both parents and sibling travelling for miles and at so much expense, too much, too soon.

Is the boyfriend much older? As you mention going abroad. Is it with work or some Erasmus scheme? I’m trying to work out the age difference.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 27/02/2023 14:59

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 14:38

@FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall

why would you be so pleased and flattered? Op is her mum! I’m sure she’s done a lot for her daughter in her lifetime so of course she should be viewed as important to her daughter

Show quote history

i don't have a good relationship with my own mum for various very good reasons and I go out of my way to avoid her company. I was always scared that history would repeat itself and my children would feel the same way about me so I'm always pleased when they want to spend time with me.

drumandthebass · 27/02/2023 15:09

Thistooshallpsss · 27/02/2023 10:23

I would because my lovely daughter wants me to.

This

My son is in his first year of Uni and I'd go without hesitation. Also I'd pick him up at Easter anyway because he'll be home for longer and will want to bring a lot of stuff home (Playstation!) We do indulge him because we adore him and he truly appreciates everything we do for him and doesn't expect it

ChaosAndCrumbs · 27/02/2023 15:15

I would. It can be awkward being in a parent’s home for the first meeting, a more neutral location is much better. I’d be excited to meet them. Similar to other posters though, my parents would have for me and I married my gap year boyfriend.

bellswithwhistles · 27/02/2023 15:18

Christ - no! Ridiculous. At that age it probably won't last anyway. She just wants a lift home. Invite the bf to stay instead?! Surely that's a better option. My folks were quite happy for bf's to stay ( guest room) and 2 or 3 definitely did over my uni days. All good friends still. But I wouldn't have expected them to drive 12 hrs just to meet them - that's weird!

whynotwhatknot · 27/02/2023 15:19

i was thinking maybe she askd for her sibling to come seems genuine but you obviusly know her better

only once did a 200 mile trip take me 6 hours because of an accident on the motorway-you can do it in 3 and a hour

Catspyjamas17 · 27/02/2023 15:25

I'd make a couple of nights of it if I could, stay in Premier Inn, - maybe I'm just thinking of the breakfast buffet 😋

Ponderingwindow · 27/02/2023 15:26

She wants to share some of her university life with you. That seems worth a short road-trip to me. go meet the boyfriend. Have her show you some of her favorite spots around campus. See how she has decorated her room. Meet some of her other friends, even if it is just in passing.

Wombats23 · 27/02/2023 15:27

Two close family members are married to people met early in Uni life.

My parents rarely bothered, it's nice to have interested parents