How do you not get offended by school cliques?

[Purpleicing]

Could do with some advice to stop my confidence being more battered

4 years into school - son now year 3 - a once friendly group of mums in the class has developed into "the trendy confident ones" and "the rest of us"

The trendy ones not only invite each others children to the parties (at the exclusion of the children of the poor, the fat, the old, or the anxious), but have spend weekends on a 3 day partying spree - this weekend a bottomless brunch at a restaurant, one house party, and one day out at theme park with kids, all over social media

This in itself is just normal life I know, but what has riled me is that it doesn't stop them using the less trendy ones who don't get invited to play.

Specifically, we have a park holiday home which I have let a few people use for nothing or v little in past when everyone was more friendly across the whole class (think £20 for a long weekend) . Whole set of them asking to use it this summer already.

Other mums outside the clique I know do their fair share of help with after school pick ups and childcare

I'm also in an "approved profession" job and three times this week people have asked me for either legal advice or can you approve the passports (on my fifth lot of passport approval or 'can you sign my mortgage application' this month!)

My confidence is already battered, aibu to think jog on and find someone else to sign your bloody passports?

I’m sorry to hear that.
Is your son friendly with other children at school? What happens if you try to invite his friend over to play?

Ok, so all 30 kids in the class group up in friendship groups of 3/4/5. One child is left alone. You wouldn’t say that child is being excluded? If everyone “doesn’t include” someone then they are by definition excluded. And it’s mean, and the school would quite rightly class it as bullying.

I just don't really notice the cliques! How do you know about all the social activity? If on social media, maybe have a break from it for a bit. I don't really have many school mums on social media. I'm friendly if I see them but don't take that further.

In terms of the favours - yes, that's cheeky of them. I'd just offer the holiday home to people you're actually friends with. If the CFs ask just say brightly "oh, I think it's all booked up for summer, sorry!" or "our families are using it this year I'm afraid!". Passport signing, solicitor advice etc, I'd just say "oh, sorry I'm super busy with work right now so probably best to ask someone else just in case I take ages to get round to it. I know how long the passport office can take as well!". Basically just be bright and friendly but give absolutely nothing.

Or charge them market price.

But I think we know that what’s being talked about here is much more performative. Groups gathering in the playground every day while other parents stand alone.

And? Sometimes I stand alone at the school gate, sometimes I stand and chat to my friends if they are there. It doesn't bother me either way. If one of my friends is talking to someone else that doesn't bother me either.
Sometimes I've had a shit day at work or whatever and just want a chat with my friend, I don't always have the mental energy to make small talk with someone I don't know. Or we might be talking about something specific like an upcoming party or event. None of this would be an issue if people stopped putting their insecurities onto others. It's no one else's responsibility

Hi OP, just to say I totally get what you're saying!
And I'm pretty sure most of the people posting on here would feel it too if it was happening to them.
Seeing people form a group and you're not included makes you feel uneasy, totally understandable! And I'm sure it can probably bring up feeling of how it was at school with a "popular" gang, which were usually the confident bitchy ones that everyone was a bit scared of.

I guess the best way to deal with this is to just pleasantly smile and acknowledge everyone, but try not to let it bother you that they're all friends. I'm sure there's probably issues within that group that isn't obvious but not everyone in the group will be having the time of their lives.

Also don't worry about the kids, kids in classrooms don't really give 2 hoots about parents friends.

Definitely best to keep a low profile at the school gates. I have made a few friends in other parents, but we enjoy the fact that we don't fit in. I actively avoid cliques and set up playdates between my children and other children who are not the most popular in their class. I would definitely stop letting your caravan out and giving any professional assistance to these people without full payment as they are not your close friends. Showing off on social media is tedious.

@marysomethingabout

Seeing people form a group and you're not included makes you feel uneasy, totally understandable! And I'm sure it can probably bring up feeling of how it was at school with a "popular" gang, which were usually the confident bitchy ones that everyone was a bit scared of.

Yes, but as adults it's our job to deal with that. And critically, to make sure we don't pass on to our children a sense of multigenerational paranoia about "bitchy school gate mums".

If you reinforce the idea that two people having a conversation = deliberate and calculated exclusion, your children are going to grow up paranoid and anxious. If you want your children to grow up confident in their own skins you owe it to them not to fuel this nonsense.

That doesn't make any sense - if there are lots of little groups, then surely every little group is excluding those in other groups, so how could that be bullying? The difference between including and excluding is one of intent.

If your child is not being included by other children in the class, the school need to be made aware that there is an issue with social integration in that class in regards to that child. If they are a decent school they will have ways to deal with that, so no-one is left alone.

It sounds like things have got a lot more complicated since our youngest left primary school 2 years ago.

When my 3 were at primary I chatted with the parents (and teachers) who were friendly and who I got on with (I'm still good friends with some of them), was polite to the others and that was pretty much it. The idea of cliques never crossed my mind!! In fact I'm not even sure what a clique is. I've only ever heard the term on MN.

Also you can afford to relax a bit. Primary doesn't last forever and then this stuff is over, including cliques, PTA pleasers and so on.

You don’t think it’s bullying for one child to be “not included” by all of the other children? How about one mum who is “not included” by all of the other mums? It’s not ok to leave someone out.

Eh, nothing you've written sounds like they've done anything especially untoward. You're never going to get a situation where absolutely everyone's invited to absolutely everything - if you see that as exclusion then that's your definiton but most people would just call it normal reality.

I'd charge what I want for the holiday home. Obviously you can charge them less if they're your friends but you don't seem to be friendly.

People will form cliques anywhere. People can do what they want. And I bet it's one person in charge and the rest following along. Like mean girls.

@Commah

You don’t think it’s bullying for one child to be “not included” by all of the other children? How about one mum who is “not included” by all of the other mums? It’s not ok to leave someone out.

But this isn't what's happening here. The OP has singled out a group of mums who she has identified as "trendy and confident" and who she believes are deliberately excluding those who are "fat and anxious". There's no evidence provided whatsoever for this claim, it's presented through the OP's lens and put out there as fact.

These women have annoyed the OP by asking for favours and she's well within her rights to say no to this but its not clear what they've done wrong other than be friends and organised a couple of meet-ups. She appears just to be envious because they didn't invite her to a bottomless brunch.

It's a huge stretch to go from this to accusations of bullying or singling children out for unkind treatment.

Can you explain what in the OP makes them dreadful people? Should they invite the whole class/ year group/ school to their trip to the theme park?

@NerrSnerr - sharp elbowed people who want advantages for others but exclude them? Give over. If you want passports signing or holiday homes on the cheap you would do better to include not treat people as an afterthought if they don't align immediately with your preferences.

Such people are pretty obvious, OP, you don't need them but you don't need to give them your expertise or signature or anything else. You are just being treated like a convenience and that rankles. Anybody would be annoyed.

Good point, I can understand the irritation here. The whole befriending somebody when it suits agenda is reminiscent of school days. But those aren't the mind of people you'd want as friends anyway- best to just avoid them and not do any favours.

But you seem to be saying that friendship groups are exclusionary by nature and I don't think that is true. People can't be friends with everyone they meet, or the concept of friendship wouldn't really mean anything.

If a child hasn't found themselves naturally to be part of a friendship group at school that is not the same thing as the whole class purposefully excluding them, and if a child is floundering socially, the school should have stepped in a long time ago.

In my experience children tend to play with who they want to at school, and after a certain age, parents are not able to engineer friendships at school.

A clique (ime) tends to blatantly exclude others and barely passes the time of day.

A group of friends has no problem talking to others from time to time or even including them if the need arises. And their children mix freely

I am confused that a lot of people feel that you need to include every adult at school in your plans - at year 3 age.

To be honest I've never been in a clique I've been more hello goodbye but when my kids make friends I naturally speak to those parents more - I wouldn't exclude a child my child was mates with if I wasn't friendly with the mum but at that age you cannot keep on doing open invitation stuff parties etc

@Luana1

But you seem to be saying that friendship groups are exclusionary by nature and I don't think that is true. People can't be friends with everyone they meet, or the concept of friendship wouldn't really mean anything.

This is what interests me about this whole discussion. People seem to fall into two distinct camps: those who see forming friendship as life-affirming and positive and those who regard it as hostile and defensive.

There seems to be this strong school of thought running through a lot of this thread that for a woman to form a friendship with another woman via school is a selfish act which is a calculated attempt to exclude other women and their children.

I just don't see life like this: yes there will always be friendship groups and alliances in society based on all sorts of things: friendship, need, similarities of interest, demographics, shared history etc. Some people can fall on the wrong side of these groupings and be treated badly by individuals and yes sometimes there re bullies. But there's nothing inherently hostile about friendship groups. If people are excluded from them it's situational, not personal and it's never permanent. These things are fluid and relationships change. No one is "in" or "out" forever.

The reason I think this matters is that children, with extremely plastic and developing brains, need to grow up to see friendship as a positive thing and something which they can do. Rather than seeing two people speaking in a school playground and assuming everyone is ganging up on them.

nd parents have a responsibility, if they find they are triggered by decades-old paranoias from their own school years, to woman up and deal with their own demons, rather than foisting this onto their children.

It can be a good place to meet new friends we have a lovely local group of friends from playgroup / primary years very few of our teens are still friends (a few are though) but we still are. Honestly reach out to the other non in group mums and form your own better group! Our book club is made up of those of us whose other friends were all in book clubs that we were not invited to join so we set up our own! Also you have the caravan by the sea and they don’t - so take your new group there and fuck them!

Always agree with people versus works posts too!

This is what interests me about this whole discussion. People seem to fall into two distinct camps: those who see forming friendship as life-affirming and positive and those who regard it as hostile and defensive.There seems to be this strong school of thought running through a lot of this thread that for a woman to form a friendship with another woman via school is a selfish act which is a calculated attempt to exclude other women and their children

very astute. I’d go so far as to say the people in the first category are the ones making friends. The people in the latter are the ones struggling to do so.