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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To post lingerie shots on my social media..

953 replies

Junglejane8 · 26/02/2023 22:35

Right here me out here..
Long term lacking in body confidence. Have never felt very beautiful or feminine. I've been working on my self-esteem recently and a friend who is a photographer treated me to a burlesque shoot. She said it would be a very empowering thing to do, and it was. I actually felt sexy and beautiful and powerful.
The pictures have come through and I'm so happy with them. I want to post them on my social media but am worried that it will come off as vain, desperate, attention seeking etc.
There is lots of crap on social media but then I think of some of the women I follow who post lingerie / swimwear images and I don't judge them at all. I think they are beautiful and confident. I want to do that too.
Or is it vacuous and shameful?

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 26/02/2023 23:22

bingobanjo · 26/02/2023 23:18

OP, I totally get what you mean, you feel hot and you want others to see that too. Bold suggestion if people are saying it would feel weird to see their friend do it, would you consider posting them anonymously on Reddit or something? You could crop out or cover your face if you felt more comfortable.

You probably would get a bunch of creeps messaging you, but you’d probably get w lot of nice compliments too. It’s nice to feel like someone is appreciating your looks sometimes, there’s nothing unfeminist about it.

There is nothing unfeminist about publishing pictures of you posing in a sexualised manner in underwear online for randoms to look at? What’s feminist about it? People have lost the meaning of feminism if they think this is empowerment. It’s literally giving men what they want and women are presenting it as complimentary to have them like it. How many women do you think are going to be interested??

Swiftswatch · 26/02/2023 23:22

Junglejane8 · 26/02/2023 22:46

Oh wow ok I'm kinda surprised by these responses which are pretty unanimous that it's a bad idea.
I expected more pro female empowerment. You do you etc..
I'll take it all on board.. thanks everyone.

Why is it against female empowerment to question why you want to put out photos of yourself in lingerie to your friends, family, coworkers and strangers?

What benefit do you think you would get from it and why would it be empowering?

Perry34 · 26/02/2023 23:23

I’d consider a few things

  1. Who is on your friends list? Are they trustworthy? Do you have any colleagues who could be bothersome?
  2. Is your profile private?
  3. Do you intend to use these as profile pictures?
  4. Are there school-aged children on your friends list? They can grow to be that immature age.
  5. Remember that no matter how high privacy settings are, it only takes a screenshot.

Boudoir images are expensive (and I bet you paid a pretty penny for such!) so I understand why you want to show them off too. I’m sure you love them and you’re proud of them, and they probably make you feel good about yourself.

If you decide not to, you could find another way to display your pics, buy a nice photo album, or have one put in a canvas.

Branster · 26/02/2023 23:23

Would you walk around Piccadilly Circus in the said lingerie? Expose yourself to the world like that? If the answer is yes, then go ahead and let the internet access and redistribute, possibly alter your lovely pictures.

These pictures are private. I wouldn't particularly appreciate seeing such imagery on social media and I would find them to be the top end of attention seeking. Bordering on weird.

TonTonMacoute · 26/02/2023 23:24

MistyFrequencies · 26/02/2023 22:40

I wouldnt. If I saw it on someones social media I would judge, likely think it was sad and attention speaking.
Keep them for you. Be proud of them. Show friends if you want. Dont put them on social media for future employers etc to possibly see.

This.

You would have to be absolutely crazy to put those pictures on the net - sorry!

Xrays · 26/02/2023 23:25

Don’t do it.

Absolutely nothing feminist and empowering about a woman showing herself off in her underwear. At the very best it’s 90s girl power Spice world type shite. Just don’t. You’ll cringe and regret it in the future.

Bearonthestair · 26/02/2023 23:25

I wouldn't. I have zero desire to see any of my friends or family in their pants.

You will get comments " you look AMAZING hun" from the same people who will then go on to snigger behind your back.
It's great you enjoyed it but I would keep the photos for you and a significant other/ close trusted friend.
It's cringe to publish them on Instagram. And absolutely nothing to do with female empowerment. As a poster said upthread, how many men do you see in their underwear?

RampantIvy · 26/02/2023 23:25

OP AIBU 85% say yes
OP then only replies to the couple of posters who agree with her. I would say the results of the poll are pretty representative of what people will think when they see the scantily clad images on Instagram.

Usrr · 26/02/2023 23:25

Dustland · 26/02/2023 23:20

I've seen a few friends do this and the response has always been overwhelmingly positive in a 'you go, girl!' kind of way. If you feel good in them then go for it! Personally if I see pics like this I think its brill. I put a bikini pic on once and the response from my female friends was great and I was glad I'd posted it!

Yes but what friend in their right mind would comment publicly on them saying something negative? They likely wouldn't. Instead they'd do what I do and not comment, but wonder what the hell possessed you to post them

Summerfun54321 · 26/02/2023 23:28

I would think more "female empowerment" if you posted a no make up scruffy photo with you sticking your middle finger up. I don't see how confirming to "women need to be sexy" empowers anything apart from your own ego sorry OP.

Roarsomemore · 26/02/2023 23:29

What would your hopes be for posting them? Is there a way of achieving these without posting?

bellswithwhistles · 26/02/2023 23:29

I wouldn't because :

Practically no one will 'like' them.

And then you'll feel like shit.

Women can't 'like' them because that's just weird and your male 'friends'/acquaintences can't 'like' them because they'd be worried you'd take it the wrong way.

You can't win.

Have another photo shoot with some smily outdoor shots with family if you must but lingerie? Nah. Not unless your job is a lingerie model. If a friend of mine posted some I'd honestly be thinking she'd lost her marbles, certainly wouldn't be writing anything along the lines of you go girl!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 26/02/2023 23:31

A lady in my town has photos like this all over her public socials and honestly I cringe really badly when I see them.

The first thing anyone sees when they click on her profile is her on her bed in her underwear - just why?! 😳

ZiriForEver · 26/02/2023 23:31

Instagram is full of bikini pics, no big deal.

It is legal, doesn't hurt anyone and, unless you want to become a priest, the employer has no say over things you do in the private life.

Whether it is aligned with feminism or not is bit tricky question, but other women policing your feel-good decision definitely isn't.

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/02/2023 23:32

I understand why you have had the pictures taken and applaud you for that but don’t put them on the internet.

It really is not empowering, it’s playing to the most base elements of the male gaze, it looks a bit desperate and it is very likely that you won’t get the kind of reaction you want which will hammer your self esteem even further. Just don’t.

ScrumpyTree · 26/02/2023 23:34

You seem like you've made your mind up already that you'll be posting them. And don't appear to be taking it well that the vast majority are saying it's nit a good idea.

Think there's still a lot of work for you to be doing in regards to your self esteem.

You don't need strangers online to validate you. Not your opinions or your appearance.

CarpetSlipper · 26/02/2023 23:34

Imagine a bloke doing it? Does it still seem empowering? I’m glad you’re happy with the photos but posting carefully posed/edited photographs online just helps to maintain an unrealistic beauty standard and could make other women feel shit.

SocksAndTheCity · 26/02/2023 23:34

Obviously you're excited about the pictures now; you paid for them and enjoyed the experience and they're new and shiny.

They're also not going anywhere, so why don't you set the idea aside for a month and see if you still think it's a good one then? And I agree with PP that putting them in an album (or maybe a digital frame) for yourself sounds good in the meantime Smile

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/02/2023 23:35

Christ on a bike - NO.

It's great you've had them done, but they belong in the bedroom. Other than putting off employers etc, sticking up pictures of yourself in your knickers doesn't say empowerment, it says insecurity. This is not meant in a bitchy way - if you've been feeling shitty about yourself and now feel good, it is easy to get excited and forget what normal boundaries are (much like teenagers who are just figuring out who they are do this). Honestly no one wants to see you in your pants unless they have designs on you, it would be weird. I know bikinis show as much, but as beach wear they read differently and aren't associated with having sex in the same way.

MeetPi · 26/02/2023 23:36

I had a former colleague do this - and it was really more the soft-focus porny type of images she saw fit to put on her Facebook. It was an unwelcome surprise to see over my morning coffee. She is the type to always post multiple images of herself with her breasts tipping out of her top, no matter the occasion, but I really felt this was over-the-top. Some things should be kept to yourself, and this is one of them. It is nothing to to with feminism. Simply have enough pride in yourself to know when what to keep private, and consider the image you show to others.

Sorchamarie · 26/02/2023 23:36

Christmascracker0 · 26/02/2023 22:47

I have a few friends who have done this.

If you are proud of them (and happy with your social media privacy settings) then go for it! It doesn't matter what others think 😄

But caring what others think is surely the only reason people do post these sorts of things? Because they need/want the external validation.
Seriously OP, working on not needing external validation would be far far healthier for your self esteem than posting photos of yourself on social media.

bingobanjo · 26/02/2023 23:38

I think you may have lost sight of feminism if you think it’s about “not giving men what they want”

OP is the one who wants these pictures to be seen, that’s the whole point. Bit arbitrary to not allow anyone to see them because we.. hate men? Not sure I follow sorry.

WineCap · 26/02/2023 23:39

Why not book a beach holiday and build yourself up to wearing a bikini and getting a few photos? If you're really desperate for social validation then I think these type of photos would go down better on Insta.

JizzlordTheCat · 26/02/2023 23:39

Empowerment ≠ attention seeking.

Carrotsandsuede · 26/02/2023 23:39

hmm I feel quite qualified to answer this OP. As I am a former NUTS magazine, ring girl and calendar girl (if you remember nuts men’s mag). I never went completely topless, down to tiny underwear. This was after I did pageants. I was early twenties.

I can honestly say now as a woman in my thirties I have 0 of those images on my social media although they are of course out there online. I have a professional job and own family.

The photos of me from pageants to men’s magazines are objectively attractive, sexy, beautiful etc. I know they are. I could post them now and it wouldn’t affect my self esteem if every single comment was ‘hideous’ or ‘ugly’.

I couldn’t care less. Not because I am devastatingly beautiful or anything, but because it doesn’t matter. My self worth has little to do with my appearance.

Back then, when I was in the thick of it, seeing the beautiful images coming back from the photographers, I had the same urge as you to want the photos EVERYWHERE! Why? Because I had attached beauty to self worth and self love. The more validation I got the more I felt I ‘loved myself’ and had ‘empowered’ myself. I had chosen to take the photos, I had chosen to put them out. I had the power! But that’s not really true.

So what changed? Well a lot did they opened my eyes but not in the way a lot of posters think. I didn’t and don’t feel degraded or embarrassed. I still actually have the calendar I was on the cover of up in my dressing room with a few other bits from that time. But that’s more as happy memories to me of a different time in my life.

I don’t post anything from it and I don’t hide it either. Because it has NO meaning whatsoever. They are just pictures of me looking attractive. Like there are millions of photos of people looking attractive.
Looking attractive in a picture isn’t an achievement. So can it improve your self worth? People telling you that you look pretty in a picture isn’t an achievement nor a failing. It’s just a nice picture.

A lot of the girls in the industry back then are now similar to me funnily enough. Really not bothered with beauty as a whole. I think we’ve all got high self esteem in terms of our value as being a literal centre fold of attraction shows you just how meaningless it is. So it doesn’t bother you when someone doesn’t think you’re attractive, because you know it makes 0 difference to a lot of things.

However there are a minority of girls from those beauty days that still haven’t had the ‘click’ moment and they are still posting half naked pictures well into their thirties. Some getting aesthetic work done and even paying out of their own pockets for shoots. A horrible comment would crush them.

You need to dissociate beauty with self worth. Get to the point where you can have a fully clothed photo of you looking objectively stunning and still not be arsed to post it, because it doesn’t matter either way to you what anyone else thinks.

Some days I’ll be bored and play with my makeup and do my full glamour look and pop in some extensions and go out. I’ll get treated similarly to the way I was treated at 21 by the general public (and I giggle to myself inwardly at the ridiculousness of it all). Then the next 6 months I’ll go back to looking like my scruffy self. I don’t feel any better about my self as a person when I go out in the glam look or my scruff ball look.

Do not associate yourself with your outwards shell. Your body is literally just a shell. Society will tell you it’s more and that your external shell represents your internal self. It doesn’t.

Sorry for my rambling. There is a lot I could say on the subject but I’ll spare you the boredom.

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