Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

[StarbucksSally]

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left.

He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her.

DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.

They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer.

DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

Hi @Yousee why not? Would that be too much?

I think its good that you have worked out a way to deal with this and just get over it, but you should talk with DH about what is going to happen the next time a similar situation crops up... If BIL has a christening, or at Xmas etc

Does anyone really think that any of these 3 kids gave a hoot about attending this wedding? This is an event manufactured by the mom and the MIL. They overstepped and are once again manufacturing some non-existent hurt on the part of the children.

Non of this drama would have been necessary without the busy-body intrusion of the OP and the MIL. It is unlikely that left to his own devices the OP's husband would have objected to an adults only wedding. Many adults only weddings have a flower girl an a ring-bearer but no other children in attendance.

I grew up in a nuclear family with several kids, and it was not uncommon for my parents to take 1 or 2 children to a particular event and not others, and no child ever felt ostracized or left out. Many times the feeling was to be happy that without parental oversight we might have a bit of fun.

It is interesting that the 2 people who started the unnecessary drama now are blameless and everyone else is casts as a villain.

The bride did not want any of these children at her wedding, and that wish should have been respected. Exactly what would the kids add to the event, or what would they be missing by not being present?

Maybe, the parents should have arranged for a sitter and gone on to the wedding as all of the other guests with children were doing. Now the SIL has to be aware of totally unnecessary acrimony surrounding her wedding , and the OP's husband is cast as a villain in a drama in which he and the 3 children would willingly not have had a part.

Sometimes it is truly wise to manage only that which is happening in your house.

I feel so sorry for your eldest! Her stepfather is a weak man not willing to stand up for ALL the children in his family.

this is just setting a precedent for the future parties and invites.

do you want your child treated differently to her siblings and to be an outsider in what’s supposed to be her family.

in our family it’s all or nothing.

Absolutely disgusting and cruel to exclude one family member. Either stick to your guns and have no kids, or have all of them. Absolute shits they are.
OP I hope you and your daughter have a lovely day together. 💐

Why are so many people overlooking the fact that this entire scenario resulted from the OP and her MIL intruding on the SILs wedding plans?

But for their intrusion their would be no possibility for hurt feelings.

If the OP had confined her input into what happens in her home and to events that she plans, none of the subsequent actions would have occurred.

Now she is casting herself as the protector of her eldest child's feelings as opposed to the instigator of all of the unnecessary drama.

@Mari9999 The OP didn't intrude. Her husband and MIL did.

Also no she isn't casting herself as the protector of the eldest child's feelings, on the contrary; she's basically allowing it to happen which will cause the eldest to know her mother didn't draw a line in the sand. OP even said her DH won't "let" her decline. Like fuck would I stay with a man who decides what he 'lets' me do! But, that's me. She's clearly in a controlling marriage with a man that doesn't have a paternal instinct in his body and abusive. But she has chosen him over her own daughter. And will stay with him probably for an 'easier' life yet her eldest will grow up to hate her for staying and not making a stand. I've seen this happen at least twice in my offline life. OP will remember this thread and that she was warned, when her and her eldest's relationship turns to shit.

Honestly this. It's unforgivable that your dh is allowing this. It clearly shows where he stands, the only reason your dd is left out because she isn't blood family and he's ok with that?

Is there any chance your eldest will be invited to ex-H family weddings in Ireland? I think being positive about her bio-Dads family will help her to feel less excluded from step-dads extended family. As PP say, DD will probably have more fun on a day out with you, than her siblings do at the wedding.

This exactly . Stop saying how wonderful your husband is and treats your daughter the same as the others because this proves he does not . You cannot just blame this mess on the BIL .

It's not just up to you whether your younger two go. They are DH's children and this is his family. I'd say that gives him ultimate decision making responsibility. You're not the boss.

I can see that you'd want to support your eldest. So, out of a truly rubbish situation, I guess for the best DH and younger two go; you and eldest don't.

I feel so deeply sorry for your eldest. I have been that eldest and even though my mum would say "it doesn't matter" "we can do something just us" it still stung everytime something like this happened and I was reminded that I wasn't "as good" as my siblings. Even little things where they were treated better and I was treated not as well hurt like hell as it just reinforced I didn't fit. They're the family of four and your the awkward 5th wheel that is made to feel like it would be easier for everyone else if you didn't exist. It damaged my relationship with my step dad, and with my mother and strained my sibling relationships into adulthood. Its hard to shake that feeling of being rejected by your own family when it's been ingrained in you from a child, that no one will stand up for you and ultimately they just want you to accept it and not make a fuss as its easier on the adults.

It's a horrible situation re the wedding invite which obviously is not OPs fault but as that child all those years ago its the child I feel truly sorry for.

Yes. Hardly taking the moral high ground about treating equally, taking your 12 year old to Disney and leaving your 5 and 7 year olds to go to a boring wedding that they aren't even wanted at! Crackers suggestion.
For further info: see numerous threads by SMs being slated for wanting to take all of their own biological children to Disney but not wanting to pay for their step children too.

Sorry, that was too @SeulementUneFois

He doesn't need OP's permission to take them somewhere. He's an equal parent.

Unfortunately OP, you chose a man over your first daughter.

And not a good one either.

It was made very clear by his family where they stood, and yet you went ahead and married him.

Having more children with him changed nothing for his family.

I feel desperately sorry for your daughter and children like her.....second class within the family.

You are where you are and I can't imagine it is marriage ending for you.

But you chose poorly by choosing a man with a family like that, who were clear where they stood from the beginning.

I cannot imagine what it must do to a child's self esteem to be treated like that.

Your BIL is awful, really awful to single out a child like that.

Poor little mite.

She is living with your choices.

I think you know this and that is why it upsets you.

You gambled that they would change their view of her, but ugly people that would hurt a child like that rarely change.

How you expect her to grow up with a strong sense of herself within such a set up is hard to understand.

Your poor daughter, what an awful childhood you've created. No matter what gloss you put on it, you have made her a second class citizen in her own family.

I will never understand how a parent can put their wants above their children's needs.

I think they're incredibly mean to exclude one child but having said that I don't always agree with the premise that's here on mumsnet that step nephews and nieces and step grandkids should be treated the exact same way as biological kids.by extended family. If my sibling remarried in the morning to someone with a child, I of course would be kind and nice to an innocent child but I would not feel the same way about them as my own biological nieces/nephews. They would ultimately be the child of my siblings partner. Things like a grandmother wanting a photo with her actual grandchildren would not bother me and I would not expect a step gran child to be automatically included. I think it's better to be honest with child about this than the slightly unrealistic expectation that her steps aunts uncles grandparents feel the exact same way about her as their siblings. I'd focus on her relationships with her own biological grandparents etc as they are far more likely to be real and lasting than 'forced' ones.

Absolutely agree. None of this would have come to the fore if no-one had meddled in pushing for child invites. All the drama has only served to highlight the difference for everyone involved.

Sometimes it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie, especially in blended situations.

Your poor, poor daughter. Your comments have been heartbreaking to read. You are lying to yourself when you say you wouldn't put a man before her. That's exactly what you are doing. It's all very well pointing the finger at your husband's family and criticising your husband (who absolutely doesn't treat your daughter the same as his biological children and happily props up his family's mistreatment of her) but at this point you are colluding in the way she is treated. You allow it. You are failing to protect her from it.

I don't know how any parent could describe their marriage as “happy” when it facilitates this kind of treatment of their own child. Appalling.

You have a husband who will put the wishes of his mum/brother above the wishes she's of his wife. You don't want any of your kids to attend but your husband has basically said fuck you, he's doing it regardless of how you feel. And he's okay with throwing your daughter under the bus if necessary.

He can't force his family to love her, but he should love her enough to not see her excluded and treated differently.

I don't think I could (or want to) forgive this. Bil is a twat but your husband is worse for allowing it.

And actually yes, pp is right - you have colluded in this too and have exposed your child to a family life where she is lesser

OP I realise you are all trying your best but look at it this way. If your DH really thought of your dd as equal he would kick up a stink. Imagine if all 3 were his bio children and one was excluded. How would he react. He is not reacting the way he would if one of his bio dc was excluded so he isn't treating her as ewy

Equal

Out of interest, would you feel the same about adopted nieces, nephews or grandchildren? Ie, if the child isn't biologically related, you're not really interested?

Personally, I find that hard to understand, but then, maybe the blood relation thing just doesn't matter as much to me. I am as fond of my DH's nephews and nieces as I am off my sister's dc. They are all part of my family and I don't really distinguish between them.

Of course, you can't tell people what to feel, so if they aren't interested in step children who aren't directly related to them, then fair enough. They feel whatever they feel, and that's fine. However, regardless of what they might feel privately, I think it's unforgivable to openly exclude a child because you don't care about them as much. Wouldn't any halfway decent person just try their best to be kind, inclusive and fair to all of the children in their extended family? These are children who have no say in the composition of their families or who their parents decide to shack up with. Feel what you feel, by all means, but that doesn't mean that you have to make your feelings so obvious. What real harm would it do to include an extra child in a family photo? To add one child to the invitation list?

I would never make my child live in a blended family if there was even a hint of this kind of attitude. She deserves better.