To be scared stiff of being pregnant at 45

[notsureconfused]

Long story short I have 2 older teens conceived through ivf. Very much thought we were done when I miraculously got pregnant naturally with our third at 43. It's been tough. We were used to having sleep again, more freedom etc and we've gone back to the start. Now I've discovered I'm pregnant again. Only now I'm 45, knackered with a 2 year old (plus the teens) & I'm very worried about coping all over again.

I’m 46 with teens and couldn’t imagine caring for a baby at that age with menopause looming. As others have said you’ve got options

should have said just short of 48 and

the primary school run for the next decade

😫😩🤐

If op was experiencing zero conflict/doubts ,bags probably wouldn't have posted this thread.

And they're both probably in a bit of shock, having just found out.

Op's already doing that anyway, with a 2 yr old. It's just 2 yrs more.

*or maybe 3.

Hugs OP, your mind must be all over the place. Take time to think and do whatever is right for you and your family. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Congratulations. I’m envious as I’d have loved another DC but serious illness took the option away from me. I’m 47 now and still wish it could happen for me. Ridiculous I know.

This would be my view. After only being lucky enough
to have one after IVF, I couldn’t terminate either.

Only you can make that decision.

No-one will judge you for whatever decision you make, and you shouldn't judge yourself either.

I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but please be kind to yourself.
For what it's worth I know I couldn't put myself through another pregnancy at 45, but then I'm not in the best of health.

Everyone is different, and you have to do what feels right for you based on your own personal circumstances.

You have the one though. OP has three children. The situation is a bit different.

It’s true that the OP seems conflicted, but the conflict seems to centre around having had a tough fertility journey meaning that the idea of a termination feels like a strange or wrong choice to the OP. That is completely understandable, but I don’t know that trying to give the OP reasons for continuing the pregnancy is necessarily a helpful thing to do.

OP, I hope you take a bit of time to absorb the news and have some supportive people you can talk to, or ask for a referral to a specialist counsellor or charity who can help you explore your options.

@TicketBoo23

2 years is a long time to be doing something you don’t want to be doing anymore!

I had my 4th age 44. (all 4 naturally conceived and planned)
My 3 older ones were all born during my 20s with tiny gaps.

My thoughts:
How far along are you? (sorry if i've missed it) Give yourself a week or 2 to have a think and see what happens. If you want to go for a surgical TOP it's best to get it sorted before 12/13 week mark here in UK. After that it's harder (but not impossible) to find surgeons to perform it on NHS.

Lots of folk talking about your 2 year old effectively being an only child if you don't have this baby because of the age gap. Well firstly being an only child is really not that bad! (i am one) Plus although my no.4 is way younger than her older sisters she's got a wonderful relationship with them. Not as playmates, but as something much richer. (they don't have fall outs like close siblings do) Very special. So much love They adore her and she them.

If you decide to go ahead get tested. We had the Harmony test and a private scan. (By the way the first harmony test 'failed' and we had to do it all again. Sometimes they don't get a clear result. London fetal clinic, fantastic place, but that can happen. It's rare but be aware because it was a bit of a shock for us - time isn't on your side in the early weeks. Our second was fine and all clear).

It took me about 3 years to fully regain my health and strength after DC4. I coped and did it, but i was more tired with that one baby than i was when i had 3 under 5s in my 20s. Gradually gradually i got back to normal. I've got bags of energy now i'm in my 50s and she's 9!

Good luck what ever you decide OP

@DixonD

op has 3 kids

she doesn’t owe it to anyone or anything to continue an unwanted pregnancy

You don't want another child. That is the important thing there here.

On the contrary, OP spent years longing and trying for such a baby and precisely that's why she says she finds so difficult to think about an abortion. All her posts in this thread say in fact “I'm embarrassed to admit that it's my wish to have this baby - should I convince myself that my wish comes true too late?“

OP, since your toddler is only 2, it means you're still young and able to have this baby and raise him just fine. People don't suddenly get old from 43 to 45! I really don't understand all this scare talk about premenopause/menopause and how it allegedly incapacitates a majority (???) of women. So it's natural to be scared or worried by the idea of a new pregnancy, but there's no reason to feel embarrassed or discouraged. Trust your gut and talk with your partner/DH.

Some of us love the primary school run! My younger is almost finished primary and I would love another 7 years! Been some really happy moments. Not wishing to leave it all behind to be honest

@Terzani

On the contrary, OP spent years longing and trying for such a baby and precisely that's why she says she finds so difficult to think about an abortion. All her posts in this thread say in fact “I'm embarrassed to admit that it's my wish to have this baby - should I convince myself that my wish comes true too late?“

erm, she has had three children. Did you not read the thread? Her wish has been answered and come true x 3! She didn’t wish for this pregnancy - she makes that abundantly clear in her posts!

Mentioning perimenopause and the impact it can have on many women was not intended to ‘scare’ anybody. It’s just another thing for the OP to consider. 🤷🏼‍♀️ If the OP doesn’t feel it is relevant or worth consideration then she is free to ignore it!

Lots of people don’t ‘wish’ for a pregnancy when they get pregnant, but not wishing for a pregnancy and actively getting rid of one are two separate issues!

@Terzani and everyone else egging OP on to have the baby.

There is a 75% chance that the pregnancy will not continue even if OP allows it.

Even then, you’re assuming the scans go okay and that test results are all fine.

So you’re pushing her to do something which is actually really quite unlikely to happen regardless of anecdotes about your Nan or great aunty.

OP, you have 2 options really:

1. book a termination
2. continue the pregnancy but aware that it probably won’t be successful (depending on how far along you are as you haven’t said)

Good luck with what ever you do, but I don’t feel it’s fair to get swept along with some of the ‘happy stories’ on here.

Why do people always say this like it’s a given? the fact is, siblings close in age do not always get along or entertain each other. there is no guarantees they will be close or even like each other. it’s NOT a good reason to have a kid if you don’t really want one. there is NOTHING WRONG with a child not having siblings close in age.

Bullshit.

I’m 40 and we’re now planning our first child, hoping to start next year - we’re already nervous and I’m five years younger.

So I can fully understand all the reasons why this might be sending your head spinning - finances/health worries/being an older parent to yet another young child.

If it helps, over 1,350 babies were born last year to mums aged over 45, according to the NHS maternity statistics (2021-22), so you won’t be even close to alone. And if you choose to keep the pregnancy, it might be nice for your ‘little miracle’ to have another sibling of a similar age.

But those are hardly reasons to keep going if you both don’t want to start the night feeds again! I mean, I’m still not sure I want to be hauling a car full of bedding and posters across the country to drop the little shit angel off to university at 64. Or trying to help them onto the housing ladder at the age of 72. God, what if they’re still living with us when they’re thirty and we’ve been retired for three-five years?!

So, big decision but hope you and your hubby can find a solution that you’re both happy with.

@PurpleWisteria1

women have options to do what’s right for them 🤷‍♀️