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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for double embryo transfer?

157 replies

Dexy007 · 26/02/2023 07:53

I'll try to give all the relevant information upfront:

in my mid-30s, my husband and I didn't feel ready to be parents but were conscious of our ages so we paid privately for two rounds of IVF (it's not that expensive in the country we live in - not Europe) and over those two cycles we ended up with 10 x 5 day blastocysts. I was 36 (exactly) and 36 and two months when we did these cycles.

Although no known fertility issues (we had never tried to get pregnant) clinic said my husband had lazy sperm so they did ICSI + IVF. I mention this because there is a slightly heightened risk of multiple births with ICSI, and to explain why we aren't tempted to try to get pregnant naturally (it seems likely it won't happen for us with my husband's sperm, and my frozen embryos are 2.5 years younger than I am now...)

I'm now 38. Do I go for double embryo transfer or single? What would you do if you were me? If I am lucky and the transfer(s) work I would be 39 when I give birth. My clinic has of course explained the success rates to me and I know the odds are stacked against us.

I hate the idea of pregnancy and birth (it is a factor in why we just didn't feel able to follow the usual 'get engaged get married get pregnant' pathway). The idea of completing our family with a twin pregnancy is so tempting. We would be getting a FT nanny because we have no family support (live overseas) and because we both work full time and have hectic jobs/schedules so I think we could manage 3 years of chaos and sleepless nights with twins as well as we could manage a newborn and a toddler. Maybe I'm naive.

But of course the pregnancy would be riskier and twins face so many more issues.

Argh I don't know what to do. AIBU to ask for two embryos to be transferred? My clinic doesn't have any rules about it as such, they have just said it depends on lots of factors.

OP posts:
overwroughtmummy · 26/02/2023 07:58

I had a double embryo transfer at 35 because that was standard practice at my clinic (US) but I wouldn’t again. I read afterwards that it doesn’t increase the chances of pregnancy and may actually reduce them slightly as the embryo are sort of in competition with each other. I did get pregnant with a singleton but now I’m one high quality embryo down if I want to have another using my eggs.

Nimbostratus100 · 26/02/2023 08:01

I'd go for one then another later if you decide its what you want. That's me, personally

Skinnermarink · 26/02/2023 08:01

Something about the way you’ve described all this makes me uncomfortable.

DifferenceEngines · 26/02/2023 08:02

There are very good reasons as to why most places won't do this. Also, the idea of twins is lovely, a twin pregnancy is dangerous for them and you.

ItchyBillco · 26/02/2023 08:05

Skinnermarink · 26/02/2023 08:01

Something about the way you’ve described all this makes me uncomfortable.

Not everyone enters into parenthood with hearts in their eyes, after longingly TTC and holding hands as they look at baby clothes and prams.

Some people want the family and to retain careers and existing identities. For some pregnancy is a disturbing and fairly horrible time that is endured in order to get that end result.

Because the OP is businesslike, doesn’t make her wrong.

00100001 · 26/02/2023 08:06

I find it odd that you're planning already to not be around for first 3 years of their lives, the most crucial part of their development.and have a Nanny raise them full time. Confused

that aside, twins are a high risk pregnancy for all involved.

monomatapea · 26/02/2023 08:07

Completely your choice. It depends on how you feel about your embryos really.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 26/02/2023 08:07

Genuinely don't understand why you didn't try naturally rather than opting without trying for far more stressful and riskier IVF. Parking that, why do you have embryos from when you were 36 that you are only now using at 38? I'm not following any of this if you think age is a factor.

Binfluencer · 26/02/2023 08:08

OP, I don't really know how to say this, but do you definitely want a baby?

monomatapea · 26/02/2023 08:08

StepAwayFromGoogling · 26/02/2023 08:07

Genuinely don't understand why you didn't try naturally rather than opting without trying for far more stressful and riskier IVF. Parking that, why do you have embryos from when you were 36 that you are only now using at 38? I'm not following any of this if you think age is a factor.

They weren't ready then

Original poster
Dexy007 · 26/02/2023 08:09

Skinnermarink · 26/02/2023 08:01

Something about the way you’ve described all this makes me uncomfortable.

I'm sorry I am just trying to give the facts and keep it succinct!

OP posts:
monomatapea · 26/02/2023 08:09

The idea of completing our family with a twin pregnancy is so tempting. would your family not be complete with just one?

Paq · 26/02/2023 08:09

Sorry, I agree with previous poster. You don't sound like you really want children at this point. Even with busy careers you can take maternity leave, and presumably you have the resources to take the maximum allowed in your country?

Soontobe60 · 26/02/2023 08:10

Skinnermarink · 26/02/2023 08:01

Something about the way you’ve described all this makes me uncomfortable.

Same here.
OP, having a baby isn’t some kind of life plan to follow. Like buying a newer car or a bigger house. A baby isn’t a commodity to objectify, and this is what it sounds like you’re doing. Is there a reason why you’re not just trying naturally to get pregnant? Also, what’s the point in having a baby if all you’re going to do is employ a full time nanny to raise them?

Skinnermarink · 26/02/2023 08:10

Sorry, but it sounds like having one baby would be a massive upheaval and inconvenience in your life and career, let alone two, and you hate the idea of pregnancy. Why are you doing this?

strawberry2017 · 26/02/2023 08:10

Skinnermarink · 26/02/2023 08:01

Something about the way you’ve described all this makes me uncomfortable.

I understand what you mean, it's very transactional and the full time nanny and stuff reads like going through with it because it's the thing to do not because they are wanted.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 26/02/2023 08:10

Hmmm. I've retained a full time taxing career while raising 2 DC. I'm not sure planning to have them and then outsourcing their childhood to a third party is the way to go. The OP doesn't seem that fussed about actually having children. It's written as 'how do I get this boxed ticked before I'm too old'.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 26/02/2023 08:12

monomatapea · 26/02/2023 08:08

They weren't ready then

Show quote history

Nobody is ever ready.

gogohmm · 26/02/2023 08:13

It sounds like you have not even tried to get pregnant naturally, why not try that for a few months first. As to choosing twins, no I wouldn't because you simply don't sound like you can cope. In fact I question whether you really are cut out for parenthood as you are already talking full time nanny. Yes I know I sound judgemental but it's the way it is written

monomatapea · 26/02/2023 08:14

gogohmm · 26/02/2023 08:13

It sounds like you have not even tried to get pregnant naturally, why not try that for a few months first. As to choosing twins, no I wouldn't because you simply don't sound like you can cope. In fact I question whether you really are cut out for parenthood as you are already talking full time nanny. Yes I know I sound judgemental but it's the way it is written

Because she has embryos already and waiting?

Singularity82 · 26/02/2023 08:14

Binfluencer · 26/02/2023 08:08

OP, I don't really know how to say this, but do you definitely want a baby?

Agree with this, because this is such a strange post to read and it sounds like you don’t tbh.

aawap · 26/02/2023 08:15

This all sounds very odd, why go through such an invasive procedure without even trying naturally first.

Original poster
Dexy007 · 26/02/2023 08:15

I do plan to take mat leave! Sorry I guess I should have said that, I assumed it was kind of a given. I get 6 months full pay and then DH would probably do 3 months (he is self employed so no paternity leave).

I am not sure what you guys have in mind but when i say FT nanny i'm talking like 8.30 - 5.30pm Monday to Friday....you know, like childcare! Lots of parents have to put their young children in full time childcare of some sort. I don't think it should be controversial in this day and age.

OP posts:
Singularity82 · 26/02/2023 08:16

Ok, a full time nanny to me is a live in, round the clock nanny. Especially with you saying you don’t know how you’ll cope; I think lots of readers will have made the same assumption.

FilthyforFirth · 26/02/2023 08:16

I wouldnt do either as it doesnt sound like you want children. Dont bring kids into the world who aren't wanted.

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