AIBU to ask for double embryo transfer?

[Dexy007]

I'll try to give all the relevant information upfront:

in my mid-30s, my husband and I didn't feel ready to be parents but were conscious of our ages so we paid privately for two rounds of IVF (it's not that expensive in the country we live in - not Europe) and over those two cycles we ended up with 10 x 5 day blastocysts. I was 36 (exactly) and 36 and two months when we did these cycles.

Although no known fertility issues (we had never tried to get pregnant) clinic said my husband had lazy sperm so they did ICSI + IVF. I mention this because there is a slightly heightened risk of multiple births with ICSI, and to explain why we aren't tempted to try to get pregnant naturally (it seems likely it won't happen for us with my husband's sperm, and my frozen embryos are 2.5 years younger than I am now...)

I'm now 38. Do I go for double embryo transfer or single? What would you do if you were me? If I am lucky and the transfer(s) work I would be 39 when I give birth. My clinic has of course explained the success rates to me and I know the odds are stacked against us.

I hate the idea of pregnancy and birth (it is a factor in why we just didn't feel able to follow the usual 'get engaged get married get pregnant' pathway). The idea of completing our family with a twin pregnancy is so tempting. We would be getting a FT nanny because we have no family support (live overseas) and because we both work full time and have hectic jobs/schedules so I think we could manage 3 years of chaos and sleepless nights with twins as well as we could manage a newborn and a toddler. Maybe I'm naive.

But of course the pregnancy would be riskier and twins face so many more issues.

Argh I don't know what to do. AIBU to ask for two embryos to be transferred? My clinic doesn't have any rules about it as such, they have just said it depends on lots of factors.

So maybe just one.

This is interesting information and I would explore it. I had 2 transferred each time due to my age. Dd was the result of a 3rd try.

You need to make your decision based on aiming for one healthy child, not 2. Ivf is already a riskier pregnancy. Getting one embryo to stick is the most important thing to overcome.

Neither of us have 9-5 jobs but I’m not aware you can get a nanny that works more than a 40 hour week!

i think we will have to make do and help each other out. You know - I have an emergency board meeting and he’ll have to move some deadlines and let some people down. And sometimes he will have a crisis and I’ll have to man the fort at home. Like I imagine most parents do….. share the load and juggle it as best they can.

bit odd that the idea of two parents with high pressure jobs is so radical tbh.

We also had 10+ embryos to start with, 2 rounds of failed IVF with just then, we decided to try with two, and of course I got pregnant with twins!
Scary at first actually a blessing.

Pregnancy was fine, twins are high risk so you have more scans which is nice. You also can have an elective C section without having to insist.
And talking childcare, a nanny is not much more than two places at nursery!

At 6 or 9 months I wouldn't have a child in childcare Monday to Friday 8.30 to 5.30. That's just cruel.

You think it’s cruel to have 6-9 month old baby with a 1:1 nanny, 8:30-5:30, at home, where the OP works anyway?

Come off it.

I had a nanny for similar hours from when my baby was three months. She is a loving woman, we consider her part of our family, my son adores her and she is still with us nearly three years on. What’s cruel about that?

And as @countrypunk said, the OP’s reasons for wanting a family are brilliant. She doesn’t want a baby to play with, she wants someone to grow with and show the world to, someone to treasure and share things with.

Some of the sanctimonious know-it-all mother types on here saying she doesn’t really want or deserve a baby are really tedious.

I understand why you are choosing to use your embryos from two years ago rather than try naturally OP. I would say one embryo, as someone who would have quite wanted two in the past to get the family starting out of the way, before pregnancy and having the baby. Twins would be a whole new level of stress medically and I think the risk of complications would be double that of two separate singleton pregnancies, especially with a high stress demanding job (you don't want 9 months of worry).

Hi OP,
I think you have asked fair questions and given the surrounding facts as clearly as you can which seems to have resulted in uninvited and imho unfair comments about your motivation. You are obviously a common sense analytical person trying to make a massive decision. Well done you for considering all the factors you outline including you career. I remember approaching motherhood decisions at times in the same way - it’s fucking ludicrous if you think about it - signing up for an utterly life changing irreversible move with no direct knowledge of the experience, so you end up mustering as many tangibles as you can to work through it. I utterly adore my kids , zero regrets but had no real understanding of this when planning. You sound wonderful, thoughtful and intelligent - great material for a mother! I’m afraid I don’t know anything about ivf but the criticism you were receiving is unfair bollocks so just wanted to say good luck. For what it’s worth I would approach the specific question of what to implant based on your medical professional’s opinion - ie pin them down re stats on relative success rates of 1 vs 2 as advice upthread from more knowledgeable posters suggests. News to me for example that 2 may decrease vs give you double the chance of success. Good luck - kids would be lucky to have you as a mum.

Thanks @ItchyBillco I have friends in our industries who use nannies and they can’t speak highly enough of it… no drop off or pick up which means everyone is less stressed out and no constantly needing to find emergency childcare when kid has a cold and can’t attend nursery!!!

I get it OP. I had 6 months off with each of my kids and then back to work full time as is DH. We have a full time live out nanny as you describe. And we see plenty of our kids, have never missed sports day etc. We very rarely go out in the evenings without the kids. It's frustrating to see some of these responses, families operate in lots of different ways, people are very judgemental. If you have absolutely no family help, which we didn't, and you can afford it then a nanny is the best option imo if you both want to continue working.

To answer your question, I was in your situation and same age when trying for my second child and I transferred two supposedly perfect blastocysts. Neither took, we had 6 rounds of ivf actually and none worked. My first child was conceived naturally and my second we ended up getting really lucky with clomid and I had her just before I turned 40.

Ideally you should have transferred when you were 36. The success rate starts dropping after 36 and you may now have less chance of success.

@ItchyBillco Tedious in the extreme 😴 God forbid a woman actually thinks about if/why she wants a family!

I’m so sorry to hear that @holygerbil but glad you got your kiddo in the end!

I need to keep reminding myself it might not work. Hard bit hasn’t started yet

@HistoryFanatic Is that true? Egg age is much more significant than womb age. It's why so many women in their 40s/50s have success with donor eggs.

And anyway, your comment is irrelevant because OP didn't do that and doesn't have a time machine.

People can be so rude about nannies, while happily sending their children to daycare for longer hours.

With a nanny there is no drop off or pick up, they get sick much less, the day can work around them and their sleeps and interests, they have the security of their own home and belongings all day, they can form a meaningful bond with one person and if their parents work from home they get a lot more time with them as well.

We've loved having Nannies. I like being able to see them throughout the day, use my breaks from work to play with them, or be the one to put them down for a nap. It means I don't miss out.

I think it’s more the age you are when you create embryos that is more important. I’m not suggesting you can wait 10 years with no consequences but it’s the egg age that matters more.

My embryos are from when I was 30 but it is true if you are older the success rates are lower the older you get. I am not saying your chances are minuscule BTW! Wish you luck.

I would just transfer one embryo for all the reasons you said. And just have one child.

I don’t mean this unkindly but your post is naive. Ivf isn’t a manic cure and my first two rounds of ivf at a similar age to you with eight good quality embryos and seven transfers did not work. I don’t understand why you are not also trying to get pregnant naturally at your age too. Aside from this a twin pregnancy is a massive stress on your body and an increased risk to the babies. I think DET or SET this is such a theoretical a decision until a person experiences pregnancy and caring for one newborn and then realised how hard two would actually be. Obviously there are lovely benefits to twins but it’s not as simple as being a bit busier a mum for a year or two and in my opinion DET should be reserved for the specific reasons clinics outline.

I'd do two. I think a twin pregnancy would work better for you than two individual pregnancies.

I get where people are coming from, you're post reads very factual, but that's just how some people write.

I'd just have a single and see how you feel after that. It's one thing to happen to have twins, but to choose it now feels like a decision based on economies of scale which is the thing that feels strange - understandably as it's abstract to you right now. Your feelings will be so different becoming a parent with the reality of a child that you love. One at a time is plenty and two at once brings risks and pressures that it doesn't really make sense to choose at this stage. The whole process will change you so your planning ahead is understandable but based on some huge unknowns. Lean into that and don't make life harder.

IME having twins is so different to having a singleton. Twins are all consuming in the first few months; with one baby you can sleep when it sleeps, get things done/go out much more easily. With two you get one sorted, then the other, and then start again with the first! It’s hard!
Its also brilliant! But go in with your eyes open… it’s not as easy as let’s get ot over with in one go!

I have a one year old through IVF. First round only one egg was suitable so transferred that. Second round at day 5 two were okay but not quite ready so we got given the (suprise) option of transferring them both. We went for both with the same thought as you - twins might be nice, but only one stuck.

I found pregnancy a very scary period and spent it really anxious. And we have both found this year intense (and for me totally draining on top of the years before) - I can't tell you how many times we've said we are pleased we didn't end up with twins!

Have you tried nationally and do you want children...once they here you have them 24/7 for 5 years and then always in your life. They great, fun but messy, noisy and your life changes forever...in our case for the better and vvv glad we had DD. The way you write this sounds like a business.

Please don't describe pregnancy as horrible, I found it amazing, joyful and life affirming I am also glad I got to experience childbirth and breastfeeding. It doesn't happen for everyone and everyone has a choice.

Not everyone finds it that way though. Your experience is not the only experience