AIBU to ask for double embryo transfer?

[Dexy007]

I'll try to give all the relevant information upfront:

in my mid-30s, my husband and I didn't feel ready to be parents but were conscious of our ages so we paid privately for two rounds of IVF (it's not that expensive in the country we live in - not Europe) and over those two cycles we ended up with 10 x 5 day blastocysts. I was 36 (exactly) and 36 and two months when we did these cycles.

Although no known fertility issues (we had never tried to get pregnant) clinic said my husband had lazy sperm so they did ICSI + IVF. I mention this because there is a slightly heightened risk of multiple births with ICSI, and to explain why we aren't tempted to try to get pregnant naturally (it seems likely it won't happen for us with my husband's sperm, and my frozen embryos are 2.5 years younger than I am now...)

I'm now 38. Do I go for double embryo transfer or single? What would you do if you were me? If I am lucky and the transfer(s) work I would be 39 when I give birth. My clinic has of course explained the success rates to me and I know the odds are stacked against us.

I hate the idea of pregnancy and birth (it is a factor in why we just didn't feel able to follow the usual 'get engaged get married get pregnant' pathway). The idea of completing our family with a twin pregnancy is so tempting. We would be getting a FT nanny because we have no family support (live overseas) and because we both work full time and have hectic jobs/schedules so I think we could manage 3 years of chaos and sleepless nights with twins as well as we could manage a newborn and a toddler. Maybe I'm naive.

But of course the pregnancy would be riskier and twins face so many more issues.

Argh I don't know what to do. AIBU to ask for two embryos to be transferred? My clinic doesn't have any rules about it as such, they have just said it depends on lots of factors.

I had a twin pregnancy. It was tough, tougher than my my singleton pregnancy twice over.

My sickness was worse, my tiredness was worse, I developed pre-eclampsia, the placenta began to fail for one twin, both babies had IUGR, they were born prematurely, they needed time in the NICU. The stress all of this caused me and my family at the time was horrendous.

I needed a C section due to the twins’ position, something which wouldn’t have likely been an issue with one baby. I found recovery difficult.

Trying to sleep with two newborns is virtually impossible, trying to breastfeed two newborns is all consuming.

They’re both healthy and strong now and we’re past any of the twin complications but I’d never opt for twins voluntarily.

Good for you. Most of us don't find it that way.

HistoryFanatic

Most of us ? Most of who ?
I find it really upsetting to hear a natural and often joyful process described as " horrible and disturbing". As well as totally unnecessary on a thread about ttc albeit in a slightly unusual way.

I decided not to (at age 40) because it reduces the chance of a succesful pregnancy, and I'd rather have one child than none, plus it makes the pregnancy more high risk and I didn't want that.

Now that I have one child and can't have another I'm still conteng with my choice. Having a newborn can be very, very hard (depending on the baby, nothing what you do makes the baby any easier) and I wouldn't have coped well with twins. And to be honest I simply need more recovery time/am a bit less energetic than when I was 30.

@Dyslexicwonder do you accept that people have different experiences of pregnancy?

Go for it.

Ignore the haters.

I hate the idea of pregnancy and birth (it is a factor in why we just didn't feel able to follow the usual 'get engaged get married get pregnant' pathway). The idea of completing our family with a twin pregnancy is so tempting. We would be getting a FT nanny because we have no family support (live overseas) and because we both work full time and have hectic jobs/schedules so I think we could manage 3 years of chaos and sleepless nights with twins as well as we could manage a newborn and a toddler. Maybe I'm naive.

So you won't see them during the day because you work and you won't see them at night because you want to sleep. Basically you want to develop a good bond while seeing your child between 6-7 PM once a day? I think that if you want your child to have a good bond with you, you might want to rethink this in part. Yes, plenty of dads do this but tbh most of us have a more loving relationship with our moms than our dads. By all means (pkease) don't throw your career away, but maybe you can be a bit less ambitious and work 4 days and try to make the most of it in tge evenings and on the days that you are home? That sounds more balanced to me if you want to offer a good damily life as well.

Little kids are exhausting, that is par for the course, so you will have to deal with less time for yourself/ no sleep ins/ less or no time for the gym et cetera. It does get better with time though.

You might find it upsetting but I can guarantee not as bad as the posters who lived through their horrible disturbing pregnancies found them. It's not for you to decide the OP only needs to hear your positive experience.

My pregnancies weren't great either. Nothing like as bad as some but I felt crap, dizzy and shattered pretty much constantly and couldn't do most aspects of a job I loved as a result.

If considering whether to have one pregnancy or two ALL experiences are needed to help the OP decide

That sounds a bit better but you'll still have sleepless nights to deal with.

Having IVF to have a child is not joyful or natural nor was my first child getting stuck during childbirth (shoulder dystocia) and needing help to be born. It isn't like that for many of us. Pleased to have my children but not the actual process of having them.

I want little people to love and take on holiday and show the world.

God.

There's nothing wrong with wanting this as one small element of your family experience.

But it's so far removed from the main elements of raising children, the physical and emotional toll, no matter how much you love them and well, the endlessness of it all.

I really feel you want some image of having perfect children who have a sibling relationship you were unable to have.

You can make whatever choice you wish, of course. But I'd really encourage you & DH to talk about what you truly want, and whether children are absolutely part of it

Sorry you’ve got a bit trashed. Your reasoning for wanting a baby sounds better than most peoples. I think you should try one at a time, in case the reasearch showing the healthy embryo gives up whilst the body tried to save the poor one and both fail rings true.

Oh my word, can we stop drilling OP for everything. How many of us said when trying for children "I really want to be a parent for the sickness bugs and the complete lack of privacy and space and sleep" If fact a vast majority of people just find they're pregnant without even planning it.

She's described wanting a family in a perfectly reasonable way.

Firstly twins are far more than twice as hard as two singletons.

secondly do you actually want children? Your post made having children sound so transactional.

It's not "most" of us though is it ?
Having conceived through IVF was your pregnancy not joyful ? I am sorry ro hear that it wasn't.

I am totally confounded as to why OP is getting such a hard time

She's clearly talking to her DH about the practicalities of childcare, planning to continue working, and is not being rose-tinted about everything.

MN standard refrain is 'did you not discuss childcare before TTC' . 'get yourself a job/go back to FT work' 'pay for childcare like everyone else'.

Also, as someone who didn't have the option of TTC with a partner until she was 40 I applaud OP for taking charge of her fertility. I wish I'd been able to freeze embryos at 36 with a husband.

I think your bonkers just have a few shags instead, I had lots of IVF and why anyone who would do it voluntarily is beyond me the world has gone mad.

@Dyslexicwonder please stop. You don’t get to tell us who had truly horrific pregnancies that we’re not allowed to say so, because you found the experience ‘natural’ and ‘joyful’. I’m sorry you find it upsetting that for us, it was frankly, one of the worst experiences of my life. The resultant child is not included with that, I’m pleased he’s here, but the experience of getting him here can get in the fucking bin.

That was garbled, but the gist is there.

This. 👆

I totally agree. So much judgement and people assuming their life/pregnancy/parenting experience is the same as everyone else. This is a child who will be wanted, loved, planned for and cared for. There are plenty of kids out there for whom this sadly does not apply.

YANBU but be prepared for the ‘worst’ case scenario of both splitting!

A lady on the IVF boards here had sometime similar as in one split so had triplets (although one sadly passed during the pregnancy)

I had a double transfer, because I did selfishly want twins, didn’t work out that was as one didn’t implant but I’d say go for it!

Jesus why is everyone having a go at the OP? Would you be so fucking judgemental of someone who ACCIDENTALLY got pregnant? Then piss off judging someone thoughtfully planning their life through IVF. I bet a lot of you are just itching to tell OP about all the unwanted babies and why doesn't she adopt??
OP I think your reasons are great. I didn't enjoy life with twin babies it's true but I LOVE having 2 kids the same age and stage now. They're best friends and its amazing.
And FWIW I had 5 failed rounds of IVF with 1 embryo implanted each time, then on the advice of my clinic we implanted 3 (it really was our last ever attempt and nobody thought it would work) and I got pregnant with triplets. Sadly lost 1 around 11.5 weeks which meant I had to have a lot of monitoring for the rest of my pregnancy in case my body tried to expel the one who had died. I'm very pleased to say that didn't happen Nd I have birth (vaginally!) to healthy twins at 38 weeks. Age 36. I say get advice from your clinic and then think carefully but ultimately its your decision. Good luck.

Hi OP, I had a double embryo transfer on my 4th round of IVF and ended up having twins. Whilst I wouldn't wish it any other way, it is really HARD work! The pregnancy was physically tough, they were premature and spent some time in the NICU (very common!)
We don't have any family nearby either and childcare is expensive. You have a good amount of embryos and no known fertility issues yourself, so I would recommend a single transfer first and go from there.

I follow one whose double transfer split into four so four girl quadruplets.