AIBU to ask for double embryo transfer?

[Dexy007]

I'll try to give all the relevant information upfront:

in my mid-30s, my husband and I didn't feel ready to be parents but were conscious of our ages so we paid privately for two rounds of IVF (it's not that expensive in the country we live in - not Europe) and over those two cycles we ended up with 10 x 5 day blastocysts. I was 36 (exactly) and 36 and two months when we did these cycles.

Although no known fertility issues (we had never tried to get pregnant) clinic said my husband had lazy sperm so they did ICSI + IVF. I mention this because there is a slightly heightened risk of multiple births with ICSI, and to explain why we aren't tempted to try to get pregnant naturally (it seems likely it won't happen for us with my husband's sperm, and my frozen embryos are 2.5 years younger than I am now...)

I'm now 38. Do I go for double embryo transfer or single? What would you do if you were me? If I am lucky and the transfer(s) work I would be 39 when I give birth. My clinic has of course explained the success rates to me and I know the odds are stacked against us.

I hate the idea of pregnancy and birth (it is a factor in why we just didn't feel able to follow the usual 'get engaged get married get pregnant' pathway). The idea of completing our family with a twin pregnancy is so tempting. We would be getting a FT nanny because we have no family support (live overseas) and because we both work full time and have hectic jobs/schedules so I think we could manage 3 years of chaos and sleepless nights with twins as well as we could manage a newborn and a toddler. Maybe I'm naive.

But of course the pregnancy would be riskier and twins face so many more issues.

Argh I don't know what to do. AIBU to ask for two embryos to be transferred? My clinic doesn't have any rules about it as such, they have just said it depends on lots of factors.

It’s not controversial in the slightest- I am a nanny so it’s my bread and butter. It’s the way you’ve described things overall.

Do you actually want children? It doesn't sound like it. It's honestly fine to not have them

What’s the health service like where you are for a riskier pregnancy?

OP air sounds like you don’t really want children but you feel like it’s something that has to be done, IYSWIM.

But you say you have hectic schedules? Implies that the working hours aren't set?

It’s also a bit sad that you think a family is only ‘complete’ with more than one child.

I’d do one at a time OP. The risks of a twin pregnancy are significant. Also part of the risk in IVF is that an implanted embryo may split in two (identical twins) so if you’ve already implanted two embroyos, you’d be look triplets and that’s a recipe for an extremely difficult pregnancy.

In your position I’d transfer one at a time, and look at having 2 kids with a 18month-2yr gap.

Ignore the mean comments about employing a nanny - it’s no different to taking a shorter mat leave and using a nursery. You still spend loads of time with your babies!

@Dexy007 I'm not going to castigate you for being very organised, planning to use a nanny, and wanting to keep your career etc. I get that.

What I would say, is that parenthood can be absolutely chaotic and unpredictable, even for the most organised capable parent. Things happen that disrupt plans, back up plans, and backed up back up plans.

Children may have special needs, have an accident and develop special needs, or any number of things. You or your husband could have a health emergency, leaving you less well placed to manage everything.

Have you imagined that? It's not to put you off, just to check that you are ok with chaos, as well as planned busyness.

Sorry all no I didn't mean like a live-in nanny...i'm sorry for confusing anyone. just meant nanny for 40 hours a week while we are at work. We actually thought a nanny would be nicer than nursery especially while a baby is young because we can then work from home a day or two a week each and then will both get to spend a bit of time with the baby on our lunchbreak, or take them out in the pram if it's a quiet day work-wise.

I wouldn’t risk double transfer. I know someone who did and ended with triplets as one naturally divided into identical ’twins’.

No I wouldn't go for twins, your family could be complete with just 1 child and it doesn't sound like you're doing it because you want 2 children but more because if you had 2 at the same time then you don't need to take as long off work.

It really reads like you don't actually have want children at all but are doing so to tick a box. In your circumstances I would wonder if it's worth reconsidering altogether.

I had IVF and chose to transfer 2 embryos each time.

Twice I got pregnant with a singleton, but had a miscarriage.
Twice neither took
Then on the 5th IVF, I got pregnant with my b/g twins.

You plan to have a nanny once your maternity leave is over. Great idea - I did that too. I can work from home, so love having the children close by (and I can give them lunch, pop in sometimes between meetings).

The early days with twins are tough - if you have twins and can afford it, I recommend a night-nanny a few nights a week at the start.

I would do one because if you put two back the weaker one can compromise the stronger one and cause it to fail. One baby is better than a twin pregnancy. You could lose both. All my transfers were singletons. I have two IVF children.

I am not sure why you didn't try naturally? No one in the right mind would opt straight for IVF first.

Having put myself through IVF, it’s not something you do unless you really want a child at the end of it, especially not twice!

OP I had 8 embryos, my transfers went single, double, double, single, single, single. With the double transfers, on the first one only one embryo implanted, on the second they both did. However I never got a pregnancy to stick past 10 weeks. I think as long as you understand the risks and are prepared for multiples then why not go for it - you need to bear in mind that when they say the risk of multiples is higher with ICSI that means if you have a double transfer you could actually end up with four babies…

Because we didn't want to have children then but we know fertility declines. Also, IVF was really easy for me - I felt really well and my only 'complication' was that I got constipated in the first round 😳My bloods and follicles went back to normal very quickly which was why they were quite happy for me to have rounds 1 and 2 close together. I know some women have a bad experience but I also think people can be scared of IVF and for lots of women it is not a horrible experience in the slightest.

Sorry I didn't mean to turn this into an AMA but I will try and answer questions...

Didn't try naturally because didn't want children then / feel ready for them. Could try naturally now but have younger (ergo statistically more healthy and viable) embryos that I can use. In addition in process of IVF we found out husband has lazy sperm, so I think our chances of conceiving naturally are not great anyway.

As for what happened in between 36 and 38, we got a permanent visa, i was able to move job, got a promotion, off the back of the permanent visa and promotion/pay rise we were able to buy a house...life got in the way, but not because we were going on holidays non-stop! We had our reasons, trust me!

This is a lovely idea- WFH and spending time with an almost 1 year old plus.

Reality of this is child has separation anxiety and you appearing for a hug and disappearing will really unsettle the child. WFH is hard on the nanny unless you have separate office outside.

I spend any WFH days running stealth to kitchen whilst nanny distracted the baby or all hell broke loose.

It sounds like you are used to planning and controlling every part of your life. Babies won't have read the memo and i doubt the reality will be what you expect/plan.

On the question. One embryo for sure.

I suggest you try naturally for a few months and then if that doesn't work go for a single transfer, and then if you want another go for another single transfer in a couple of years.

As PP says with a double transfer the risks are higher of no baby at home.

I'm pretty sure loads of people have nannies so not sure what the big deal is there. If its good enough for the royals!

Can i be honest with you Binfluencer? I don't WANT a baby, i want a family. I want little people to love and take on holiday and show the world. I want to be 65 and have my son/daughter bring their beau round for tea on a Sunday. I have no relationship with my one sibling and I've made my peace with that but DH and I are nice people (i think!) and i think we would do a good job of being parents.

As a rule, most clinics will put 2 embryos back if you’re over 35. However, there are factors like your age, amount of previous failed cycles, grading of the embryos etc
You say you have 10 blastocysts which means your eggs/embryos are of a decent standard. Have they told you the grading?
As your embryos are ‘age’ 36, you’ve got a really good chance of a pregnancy with a singleton transfer…& as others have said, a blasto can often split further resulting in identical twins.
A twin pregnancy is high risk. It could result in early labour, loss of one/both babies, lengthy NICU stay, cerebral palsy & other issues for the babies… It’s not a walk in the park.
I would approach it with caution & have 1 blasto put back.
I had multiple cycles of IVF.
I tended to have 2 embryos put back due to my age but I never had twins.

Good luck OP.

I’d do two single transfers with blastocysts. I had a double transfer but my hospital only did three(I think)-day transfers so chances were lower. it would be traumatic if both implanted and something happened to one baby, threatening the other. And if it doesn’t work the first time, One at a time won’t take that long when they’re already ready to go.

In that case? Have one.
And just adore that one and give them a lovely life.
That is what we are doing (DD 4)

Do one transfer. It's what's recommended in the literature but also twins is really really intense, if you're not keen on the baby stage it would be very hard to do it first time with two

Do one at a time.
The age that matters is that of your embryos, not your uterus.
Putting two in does not double your chance per round, so you are better off having a new chance with each embryo/transfer. With each cycle your clinic may tweak your drugs for transfer, so don’t burn through your embryos quicker than you need to.
Twin pregnancies are higher risk- less so for non identical, which yours would be, but if your desired outcome is healthy baby, healthy mum, you’re better off with one at a time.