To not want MIL for lunch tomorrow?

[Moonphantom]

I will say I do like my MIL generally. PIL died about 8 months ago so I feel mean about resenting her coming for Sunday lunch - but this will be the 5th time since Christmas. Everytime we have a free Sunday DH invites her over. Dh has said he will cook so really I have nothing to worry about. Dd and I were looking forward to a chill day tomorrow though. I'm just a bit sick of it. We are also quite skint - all PILs assets went to MIL but she never brings anything not even a bottle of wine.

Just a bit bored with it tbh.

The language of the asset thing always bothers me. One spouse died and the surviving spouse was not expected to give up a portion of their shared estate at the same time.

having no idea how much money she has, I can’t comment on if she should be bringing wine or not. She needs to be sure her money lasts the rest of her life or her son will feel obligated to assist.

I completely understand needing a day off though. Maybe it is time for him to start mixing up the types of visits with his mother. He could could at her home, they could go out, they could visit an arboretum and take a nice walk and have a picnic. It doesn’t always have to be Sunday roast at yours.

Say that you are sick, and lounge around.

That's a shame. We have a tough relationship with my PILs too so I relate to lots of this.

But OP says she generally likes her MIL so it doesn't sound like there are any difficulties like this that would make spending time with her an issue.

But one of the OP's points is around the inflexibility of the meal. They wouldn't need to make the meal stretch as they wouldn't necessarily be having a roast in the first place.

I think that last sentence is harsh, OP has plenty going on in her life as well, who is looking out for her?

Can she come for teatime rather than lunch so that you have the day for other stuff? Come at like 4pm?

I think OP is getting a bit of harsh treatment here. She has a DD she wants to enjoy chill time with - DD will grow up quickly and these times are precious for OP, too.
OP, for what it’s worth, I’d be unhappy with this arrangement, too. Your FIL died 8 months ago - yes, your MIL is grieving but I don’t think you should be sacrificing so many of your Sundays. You and your DD have a life to live and memories to make.

Exactly @ChateauxNeufDePoop if MIL just wants the company of family and knowing OP has a lot going on, she should be accepting simple jacket potato, casserole etc, not full roast

I am so sorry about your brother. It must be very hard.no wonder you want a break at the weekend. Maybe mil could come over later on for supper sometimes.or suggest he go to mil while you chill out for a bit. Maybe when the weather is a bit warmer go for a tea out somewhere or an afternoon out.we used to take mum out and she liked KFC for a takeaway after wards .maybe just fillets and no bones though

I’m doing a lot with my DM ATM. It’s not what I’d ideally be doing but she’s on her own and having a tough time. DC get to see her more too.

I try and remind myself that I will be old too one day and I’m modelling how I would like to be treated to DC.

Some of these posts are so dramatic.

As my DM and MIL have got older they prefer eating a main meal at lunchtime, but MIL could just come for cake in the afternoon. If she is struggling with cooking could she start having meals delivered. Since lockdown a lot of our local restaurants have continued delivering meals, not just your standard takeaways, so could have a roast delivered.

If she wouldn't eat pasta, chilli or pizza that surely doesn't mean it has to be a roast?

Could she call around one evening during the week, leave the weekends free?

Yes. There's been so much death and serious illness it's just been a joy to spend time with dd as she's so happy and healthy! She's in the sixth form so will be off to uni next September. Not much time left.

YANBU OP.
We're in a similar situation, but 10 years down the line. What we've started to do is carry on with life as much as possible, so older DC will go off to see mates/play online with friends in the afternoon, I won't always join for lunch (if they go out) to give me a break, we will put a film on for younger DC or play some games & parent can join in if they want.

This way parent is slotting into family life, on our terms & (hopefully there's less resentment).

It's a tough one as you want to enjoy spending time with them while they're around, but it can be hard going when juggling everything else.

I don't think you sound like a bad person OP, just a worn out one.
Try carving out a little time for yourself even if MIL is over.
If this is now a regular thing then MIL can gently be asked to go with the flow of a normal Sunday at your house a little more.
Less guest more family.

Dh sees her three times a week after work, and I go every week also.

From experience of a decade of cooking a traditional meal from scratch every week, (I promised dying parent I’d look after the surviving), on top of popping over to see them ad hoc, I change the day of the week every so often with reasons, not excuses, that we are seeing other side of family/work/work prep/holiday/cold or covid. About once a month we now go out and parent generously pays to show they are really grateful.

My dad died recently and we have my mum every other Sunday. I take turns with my sister. I’d hate my mum on her own when she’s recently bereaved. When Fil died Mil came here or to dhs siblings. She’d always stay the night & usually would find her way into our bed as she had dementia & was disoriented. Im pleased she felt comfortable enough to get into bed with me to be looked after.

I’ve never taken a dish or gift to my family or they to mine as we don’t expect it. Dhs family do so I always make sure to take something.

Jesus. And people on here shout about how if you don’t have dc you will be left alone? We are almost in March so 5 times since Christmas doesn’t seem excessive to me? She’s been widowed, I don’t think a bit of extra kindness would go amiss, even if it means you don’t get to slob in your pjs for a day or two. And your point about the money is just awful.

Maybe less formal then put on some comfy stuff relax and treat her like family popping round.....is it the only time your partner sees her? In which case seeing your in-laws every fortnight especially when elderly and on their own isn't that much effort. Does she stay for the day or a few hours? How will you feel when your 80 on your own all the time and your son only sees you once a fortnight or so?

Some guests are easy. They come in, take off their coat and make themselves, and you, a drink. Will happily entertain themselves whilst you get on with things or will offer to help. They will happily eat what they are given and will muck in with the clearing up.

It would be fairly easy to accommodate this type of guest and still have a reasonably relaxed Sunday.

Other guests expect to be entertained and waited on hand and foot. They have strict dietary requirements and it has to be done as they want when they want.

This type of guest doesn’t lend themselves to a relaxed atmosphere.

I am an introvert and really need down time. I am lucky that I get plenty during the week. It sounds like the op has a lot on her plate during the week. Wanting (needing) a lazy Sunday with her daughter does not make her a heartless daughter in law.

Between us we see her at least four times a week.

What about that has to change? Can't you go for a walk anyway, cook a cake anyway and eat it in front of TV anyway? I don't get treating family like posh visitors

I really think that you need to talk to your husband.

You need to explain that you are utterly drained and exhausted.
That of course MIL can come over.
BUT it needs to be a more relaxed thing, baked potatoes, pizza etc. Rather than a big formal roast lunch. And that you will be in loungewear and then watching netflix