To not want MIL for lunch tomorrow?

[Moonphantom]

I will say I do like my MIL generally. PIL died about 8 months ago so I feel mean about resenting her coming for Sunday lunch - but this will be the 5th time since Christmas. Everytime we have a free Sunday DH invites her over. Dh has said he will cook so really I have nothing to worry about. Dd and I were looking forward to a chill day tomorrow though. I'm just a bit sick of it. We are also quite skint - all PILs assets went to MIL but she never brings anything not even a bottle of wine.

Just a bit bored with it tbh.

I think the Sunday lunch visit is different to all the other visits in this phase of her bereavement. It’s about her previous routines and habits, and everything people have said about grief, hers and DH.

It doesn’t have to carry on being a roast dinner, but it’s probably helped bring comfort for now.

The trouble is it IS really expensive, no denying that. And it adds up.

The tricky bit is that she can afford to contribute towards the food. But it would seem so transactional for you to ask at this at this point, for all the above reasons. It would be good if she could help with something else, not food, but unless she’s always been tight it might not occur to her just at the moment, like lots of mundane things.

Good luck! It WILL get better but probably not for a while yet

I find it hard to see how you think having your relatively recently bereaved MIL round for Sunday lunch 5 times in 2 months is too much - but I come from a close supportive family.

everyone has different family values. If yours don’t align with hers/your DH’s, you should probably have a frank conversation about it.

My mother loves Marks and Spencer pizza (hates takeaway though!) and she's about to turn 81 😀

OK, thanks.

My mil would try a piece of pizza at a buffet. She would never eat it for Sunday lunch.

She has received warm hospitality from me for over 30 years. She rarely brings anything except an empty Tupperware to take home the leftovers.

Why don't you cut down on those responsibilities rather than putting it all on an 80yo recent widow

Because he has terminal cancer and three children.

@Moonphantom When my time comes and I am of no use to anyone, not even to use my stumpy teeth to chew reindeer hide into soft garments for my loved ones, I would appreciate it if they pushed me out to freeze to death on an ice floe onto the Arctic Ocean without saying I'd been over eight times since Xmas and didn't once bring a bottle of Prosecco. I like to think we all have a bit too much dignity for that.

Enjoy your chill day with your daughter and be careful what you wish for.

I think you just have the day as you’d planned. So make the cake with DD, eat it front of the TV whilst watching a film you both fancy whilst wearing PJs. MIL can join in if she wants to or not. I wouldn’t be rolling the red carpet out but I would make her welcome.

I think YABU. The poor woman has lost her husband and is probably desperately lonely. You don't even have to do any cooking. I am sure that if you had other things to do you could go out whilst your husband entertained her, you're not obliged to be there I am sure. But I think that it's a small thing that will make a huge difference to her.

I think this is quite mean. It’s his mum, her husband dies and she comes round once every 2 weeks to not be alone? And he cooks? Is that really that much? It’s not like she’s moved in. Grieving takes time, even if it imposes on your wanted chill day.

how much trouble can it be to find a bit of extra food for an elderly family member? She is part of your family isn’t she? So why is it such a chore?

I hope people think more kindly of you when you are elderly.

Well I hope @KateStev you can see that OP is being supportive of family. Hope you feel bad for your comment. No wonder she wants a lazy Sunday.

I think if MIL wants to come for Sundays then she may have to accept it isn’t always going to be a roast.

Could she afford to buy the joint of meat once in awhile. If you are skint she has to accept other meals unless she can help out.

This

I for one am (genuinely) enjoying tales of octogenarians’ favourite pizzas. It’s a good, niche twist to the thread and the kind of thing that prevents me quitting this infernal website.

All those being harsh have you read that OP’s brother has terminal cancer.

I'm so very sorry to hear this, no wonder you feel overwhelmed. You must really need some downtime. My MIL would take us for a pub lunch- and it sounds like your MIL could afford it- maybe Dh should try to subtly suggest it.

My dm frequently treats us.

Everyone seems to have much more accommodating family than we do.

My mum would spend the entire day with us cleaning what’s been cleaned already and tutting,
My dad would get irritated by anyone that spoke whilst the Tv is on and had to watch whatever he wanted, our kids didn’t matter.
My MIL moaned about every thing I cooked, even when I tried to cook her favourite ( we re veggie tho so tricky). Shed wee all over the loo and floor and never thinks to clean it. (early 70s, nothing wrong with her, fit as a fiddle ) She couldn’t even make us a cup of tea if we popped round to hers,( and moaned if I stated making one ) let alone think to get her only grandkids a birthday or Christmas present . We d buy them for her and she couldn’t even be bothered to wrap them.
When my FIL died she has spent the last years slagging him off….nice……
So I think no…I could never cope with them every other week.
But I’m very jealous that so many of you can and feel that they will muck in ( mine would never ) and could wear your pjs and relax.
I feel like we’ve really missed out , but the point is …NOT every family is the same.

I get how you feel OP. It's not quite the same, but we used to regularly do a roast dinner on Sunday with all the attendant faffing, so that we could do "Meals on Wheels" for my parents who were housebound and not coping well, and were just eating shite the rest of the week. We used to make enough so they could have a dinner on Monday too.

There were often times when I felt exhausted and wished we could just do something quick and easy like sausage and mash, and do our own thing, especially as we had three young kids to deal with as well. But like your MIL anything else on a Sunday would have been met with shock and horror.

Now I would give anything to have those days back, as they both died long ago.

It won't be for ever OP, and I don't see why you can't go for your walk or make cake before she arrives, or even while she's there. And as PP said would she even notice if you are wearing loungewear (aka PJs)?

I know the MIL is grieving but I would like to think she would be cutting the OP some slack as she is going through an awful time too.

I'd be suggesting he takes her and the kids out for a pub lunch every other time.
Or you need to get more comfortable with having her around in an informal way - joggers on, film on; if she doesn't like it she can go and sit in the kitchen whilst DH cooks. It's your house and you need to be comfortable on a weekend.

I don't like sound of you very much, you sound selfish and greedy !

Thank you that's very kind of you. Obviously it's affecting me more than I realise. I think I'm burnt out.

Anyway, I've bought a bottle of sherry and made a pudding and am going to enjoy the day.

If she’s in need of company she’s welcome to come to mine. And she doesn’t have to bring anything with her.

I grew up in a poor household but my mum could always make our meal stretch for a couple of elderly people (non relatives) who would call round every week without fail for a chinwag and a bite to eat. Are we really forgetting how to look out for each other?

@Appleass or maybe she sounds like someone struggling with everything at the moment, supporting her MIL and her terminally ill brother and his family. I don’t like the sound of you.