To buy DD a present between birthday and Christmas.

[Rainallnight]

DD is desperate for a Rainbow High doll. She’s 6. I think it’s a bit tied up with friendship issues because it’s become a thing on her friendship group and she feels left out when they play with them.

Her birthday isn’t until June.

We usually don’t buy ‘big’ presents outside of birthdays or Christmas.

We can afford it, I just worry about spoiling. What do other people do about toys outside of birthdays or Christmases.

YABU - Buy her the bloody doll.
YANBU - hold out till Christmas

I disagree with this approach for two reasons:
-academic research shows all rewards reduce intrinsic motivation and lessen the enjoyment of the original activity
-it sets a precedent for the next swimming certificate

My birthday is also in June, and my parents decided the Easter bunny could bring presents within reason.
They had rules about the bunny only bringing a certain kind of toy (educational/not plastic/whatever you decide) and I had to sacrifice eggs similar to the value if I wanted to ask for the present instead.

They'd then ask family members not to buy me eggs accordingly. Or hide them/eat them. 😅

Worked a treat, and taught me negotiation skills from a young age!
Is also far enough in to the year that it would be something I really wanted, rather than a toy shop spot.

I would just buy the doll. I do buy treats for my kids at times other than birthday and Christmas, my kids are not at all demanding and I sometimes treat myself so why not them?

No chocs at Easter if she'd rather have the doll? I found if I allowed GP, aunties etc to spoil with chocolate then I didn't have to buy any and we (mum & dad) would get a DVD or something from the toys in home bargains.

@RosesAndHellebores

Agree on both points.

I have very rich friend who did buy laptops and climbing frames and huge amounts of toys year around then became sanctimonious and parsimonious at Xmas buying shampoo etc 😂.

My dd has never had a new bike and I'm going to buy her one I'm very excited about it and it's going to be just because...

Just buy her the doll

She has

Haha that will teach me to read the full thread, I usually do but I'm trying to cut down on my time spent on mumsnet 😂

What?!! Why can't she have a doll and Easter eggs. Odd indeed to look at it like that. Odd and tight.

Honestly, this won't go well on here, but I spoil my kids. I wouldn't have thought twice about buying something my son really wanted. I probably would have made him "earn" it, but it would be easy things.

I'm glad you bought her the doll.

We bought ours stuff all the time , they are now both adults and both are much happier giving presents than receiving - it definitely didn’t make them spoiled .

Does it occur to you that

a) your very neglected and unhappy childhood is thankfully not the normal

b) your approach to gifts and belief that unless children “earn” something they won’t understand the value of money… is overwhelmingly in the extreme minority

and yet…. Many many of us understand the value of money and work and raise children that grow in to adults that understand the value of money and work?

Does he normally do none of these chores then?

Out of interest

what “extra” chores do you give a 3 year old for pocket money?

I can’t fathom any 3 year old having an understanding of the value of money

@botleybump

They had rules about the bunny only bringing a certain kind of toy (educational/not plastic/whatever you decide) and I had to sacrifice eggs similar to the value if I wanted to ask for the present instead.

way to suck the fun out of Easter! “Only a certain kind of toy (educational/not plastic/whatever you decide)” 😂

do you do this with your children now?

Easter? Good report at school? Earn it some way? I do usually tend to find a reason for something like that (though nightmare with 2 kids ensuring you're being fair) but sometimes, I just want to, and that's ok too, but quite rarely to be fair.

The 3 year old is only just starting to earn pocket money I tend to more start this properly at school age. But she dusts puts the pots away as eldest dries and I wash. She passes me clothes that I'm putting on the line. She helps with weeding in the garden. Allsorts really the only chore she's expected to do without payment is pick up her toys. Kids aren't as stupid as you think she knows that pennies buy toys and sweets and she knows if she helps me with jobs she gets pennies

I think to add to my previous point, at 5, to be honest a lot of the stuff she asks for is just rubbish! Before I get criticised, at least with birthday and Christmas she can make a list and really think about stuff she’ll play with, and I will buy bigger things in between that I know she’ll get use out of. LOL dolls are a perfect example, I’m not keen but I know she’ll get good use out of them. But the spontaneous asks in the supermarket, soft play (those £1 balls with crap toys in), I won’t give in even though I can afford it as I know they’ll get discarded immediately. A lot of parents I come across do give in tk that all the time and (I know I’ll get flamed!) but I do judge a bit, it’s so wasteful and teaching them they can literally have anything they want as soon as they ask

’i would look at the cost and set her a chores list. If she tidies her room she gets £x towards the doll. If she hoovers and dusts she gets £x and so on.‘

This is so depressing. Someone expecting a six year old to hoover and dust to get a doll that her friends all have, and that her parents can afford. It’s crap parenting in my book, harsh for the sake of it. Like this is the only way for a young child to learn how to value things and work hard.

It is ok for a six year old to be given a spontaneous gift and not have to earn it fgs.

At that age mine just loved dusting and helping hanging up clothing without even the hint that it was a “chore” to receive payment for.

it was just about “helping” mummy

And that's great for you but this is how we do it.

Be careful. I see that you had the kind of childhood that no kid should have and that has made you focus on independence etc. But you are at risk now of depriving your children of innocent joy if everything is transactional. Not everything has to be a ‘teachable moment’. Sometimes it’s good for children to have treats and not feel like it’s conditional.

There are some right miserable fuckers here.

They have plenty of joy that doesn't involve me buying them things. I believe time is more important then stuff

it was just about “helping” mummy

I think this is what I struggle with, I worry it creates an entitled attitude that they only help because they get something out of not because it's just part of having responsibilities and respecting others you live with. We don't pay for chores in our house (nor do we call them chores which sounds pretty negative I think) It's just part of coexisting in the same house, supporting and respecting each other to chip in in an age appropriate way and not expecting it to be any one person's responsibility. When they're younger it's very much about maintaining their own space, but as they get older helping out with cooking, peeling, putting shopping away etc.

Mine do get pocket money, but it's more linked to behaviour tbh, if they misbehave they are at risk of losing it, rather than earning it, although I suppose you could say good behaviour is the earning it part but it's pretty hard to maintain good behaviour consistently just for pocket money if it's not in your nature so I'm not concerned it is falsely creating good behaviour like paying chores can (in my opinion).