Husband offering childcare without asking me

[Ifeelbetterwhenimdancing]

AIBU? My husband has offered to look after our neighbours children after school EVERY night for ‘a few weeks’ without discussing it with me first. He’s a stay at home dad and helped the neighbours out by walking their kids to school while he was taking ours. I work with other people’s children all day at work, and like to come home and relax, have a bath, sit in my pjs etc. I haven’t met these other children as I was at work when he took them to school previously. We don’t know the neighbours well. Our own son has possible additional needs and usually ‘explodes’ when he gets home as he holds it all in at school. I feel upset he’s not thought about our son or me while offering to do this. My husband would be cooking tea so would not be closely supervising as such, I feel it’s a lot to look after 4 children (who don’t know each other). I honestly don’t know what they will do - to entertain themselves. we don’t have an x box or anything as my children are younger (3 and 8). I don’t like the thought of unfamiliar children with my own children being left alone. The neighbours children are older (possibly 11/12 and 10/11ish)
we often have our own family visit and I feel it will be quite awkward having other children in the house that nobody knows.
just for background - my husband has health issues and I have CFS and I rely on the ability to relax when I get home after a long day.
AIBU to be upset that he didn’t discuss it with me first?

Its a few weeks. There must be a reason he's offered. 11/12 year olds don't need closely supervising. Your DH looks after the kids, does all the school runs, cooks dinner.....I think you need to chill. I can only assume what the responses on here would be if this was a man posting this about a woman.

How long is it between you coming home and the children leaving? If he's having them 3-6 and you don't get home til 5.30 then it's not that big a deal for you.

I don’t like the thought of unfamiliar children with my own children being left alone

"Left alone" with an adult to child ratio of 1:4?

Why is he having them and what time until?

When I was the SAHP, my DH would have just let me make decisions about having other kids in the house. If it wasn't imposing on him and I was taking all responsibility, I wouldn't have felt the need to ask. Operating my networks as a parent was my domain and that included whether we had visiting kids at times. It was part of the give and take of my social circle (colleagues, I suppose). Likewise, my DH operated his own domain.

I don't think you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but I think you can still unwind and have quiet time after you get home from work. Leave it to DH. He's the one who has taken this on, so feels he can handle it. Chances are the kids will just amuse themselves. Your kids might enjoy getting to know these kids and having them there.

In future I'd ask DH to run the arrangements by me. If there is an element of this that does seriously affect you, have a discussion about it. Having a DH who sometimes makes 'helpful' offers without real thought, I know how that can go.

There's obviously a reason he has offered this, and my reaction would be different in different scenarios

How much would it affect you? The children visiting are old enough to entertain themselves and may not be interested in your younger children - they may well have phones etc to entertain them.

if you usually have family coming over in the evening and it’s too much, you can play it by ear but cancel the visits if necessary- it’s v short term.

it is a big favour but I would assume your dh thought it through, unless he has form for this? Very kind of him to help a neighbour.

I think he should have at least mentioned in passing that he was thinking of doing this OP, simply because we should all consider other people we live with when making decisions that will affect them. However, like PP said, children of the age that you think these are, should be able to pretty much look after themselves, so I wouldn't have thought he'd need to keep much of an eye on them, particularly if he has already had the opportunity to form some sort of relationship with them by taking them to school previously. I'm assuming that if he tells them what to do, he believes they will do it? I think in your shoes, I would tell him why you're not happy about it, in a calm conversation. I note that you don't say why he has been asked to do this, ie, if it's an emergency situation where the neighbour needs to care for a sick relative or something, then I can understand him wanting to help out, and think you should support it. However, if it's simply so the neighbour can stay longer at bingo or something that you don't consider important, then perhaps you can make him see your point of view? Just my thoughts!

Always useful to see how others think. My first thought was WEEKS?! So a minimum of 2, maybe more. That's loads! Also the fact that they won't need supervising much is irrelevant. There's extra people (guests) in your home for a fortnight! At least you could talk in front of a toddler, you can't ignore a 11 year old.
I would absolutely hate this and I'd be furious. So much so I might even make alternative arrangements to be out of the house. I can't believe he agreed to this without any discussion!

Surely if it’s “after school” it’s over the late afternoon and not into the night so it doesn’t really affect you relaxing in your own home?

And it makes you uncomfortable for the kids to be alone with your kids? Why would they be alone when your husband is obviously there looking after them all.

They don't know each other? Has he offered childcare to the whole street? 😵‍💫

What time are they going home? I'd be very tempted to take myself off to the gym or for a coffee and come home just as they were leaving. I certainly wouldn't come home and help him - he offered without consultation, he can deal with it all by himself!
I think he ought to have asked you. I'd be pissed off - I wouldn't want to come home to other people's kids for weeks.

Apparently it’s a long term thing, talking about beyond April. I myself have ME and struggle after being at work all day and HAVE to lay on sofa etc as I have pains / aches from
being at work. I‘m just worried about the kids being bored / just left to amuse themselves. We don’t have any games consoles / Netflix / Disney+ etc to use.

kitchen means the kids would be 2 rooms away and not in eye sight.

Do they have a pick up time? Is he supplying tea? Is he mad?
I'd get home from work, head upstairs and take your kids upstairs with you to relax if they seem stressed by it. Lie about on the bed, read stories get them bathed and leave him to it.
I wouldn't be happy with this either.

I don’t know these older children, so yes, I would be a bit worried about them being with my own children, likely unsupervised for a short while

Is he being paid for this, op? It's such a random thing to just spontaneously offer to do.

Is your husband getting paid for this? Is it a way he can generate a little income? Given how long term this is, yes, he should have asked you.

Think she offered but he’s not a registered childminder so I’m sure he can’t accept payment. Still didn’t think to discuss it with me though

What time will they be collected and why is it needed?

Neighbours have just sold their house and moved but kids are staying at school where we live. No childminders with availability

How long will the children be there after you get home from work?

I don't think it's your concern what happens before you get back unless you think he's incompetent. He's not going to be stood in the kitchen for hours.

I was about to say yabu given he is the sah parent and will be the one looking after them. However, I know how debilitating ME/CFS is and how important it is that you get the rest you need so because of that YANBU at all.

That's not your problem to fix. Doesn't the school have after school care? How long will they be there while you're home? I wouldn't let it interrupt my own routine.

In principle it is not generally considered to be a good idea to have very young children associate unsupervised with older children of an unknown quantity. There is always the risk of bullying or of the younger children being exposed to undesirable language etc and even abuse.
Has yourDH spent enough time with these children to really know their character? Has he considered how they will occupy themselves?
Whatwill happen if he needs Togo out or your children have after school activities, parties etc?
Is he prepared to end the arrangement if it does not work out?

YANBU at all. He needs to rescind this offer of help, it's a massive ask, they shouldn't be burdening another family with their long-term childcare issues. Fine for a few days, not a few weeks.