Husband offering childcare without asking me

[Ifeelbetterwhenimdancing]

AIBU? My husband has offered to look after our neighbours children after school EVERY night for ‘a few weeks’ without discussing it with me first. He’s a stay at home dad and helped the neighbours out by walking their kids to school while he was taking ours. I work with other people’s children all day at work, and like to come home and relax, have a bath, sit in my pjs etc. I haven’t met these other children as I was at work when he took them to school previously. We don’t know the neighbours well. Our own son has possible additional needs and usually ‘explodes’ when he gets home as he holds it all in at school. I feel upset he’s not thought about our son or me while offering to do this. My husband would be cooking tea so would not be closely supervising as such, I feel it’s a lot to look after 4 children (who don’t know each other). I honestly don’t know what they will do - to entertain themselves. we don’t have an x box or anything as my children are younger (3 and 8). I don’t like the thought of unfamiliar children with my own children being left alone. The neighbours children are older (possibly 11/12 and 10/11ish)
we often have our own family visit and I feel it will be quite awkward having other children in the house that nobody knows.
just for background - my husband has health issues and I have CFS and I rely on the ability to relax when I get home after a long day.
AIBU to be upset that he didn’t discuss it with me first?

Not much makes me cross, but if my husband had done that, I would have been furious. The OP's husband doesn't email her work colleagues to retract whatever she has agreed to do with/for them, so she has no right to do this to him.

@autocarrot there's a big difference between helping out a person in a genuine emergency and taking in unpaid work, that inconveniences his wife, because the neighbours have moved house and given no thought to their own children's schooling.
Being kind when necessary is one thing, but being a mug at the expense of one's own family is quite another.

The OP goes to work and covers the cost of her partner being a sahp for the benefit of their own family. Not so her husband can provide unpaid labour for the neighbours while simultaneously making her uncomfortable in her own home.

And if the OPs work colleagues were in their house every day, the dh would be well within his rights to be pissed off too

*'@autocarrot there's a big difference between helping out a person in a genuine emergency and taking in unpaid work, that inconveniences his wife, because the neighbours have moved house and given no thought to their own children's schooling.
Being kind when necessary is one thing, but being a mug at the expense of one's own family is quite another.

The OP goes to work and covers the cost of her partner being a sahp for the benefit of their own family. Not so her husband can provide unpaid labour for the neighbours while simultaneously making her uncomfortable in her own home.'*

Exactly this^
@autocarrot unless the op's work colleagues live with her dh than no it is not the same.

I'd probably tell the work colleagues to move in, too

I suppose it's the usual old story of everyone being different. I am wired in such a way that I need the constant thrill of the new and different and chaotic - and extra children after school would fall into the 'interesting' category for me so I'd love it. But I can see how they would fall into the 'nightmare' category for people who are perhaps a bit more orderly and less inclined to embrace chaos.

They’re friends of her DH. Surely that counts?
And frankly I get irritated when anyone in my family is performing being poorly on the sofa barring anyone else from using the living room. Go lie in a bed. Beds are for lying down. Sofas are for sitting and doing seated activities.

It think it is lovely of your dh to help out tho it is a lot every night for weeks /months

Equally can understand doesn't want to disrupt their last year at school

So end date if middle July?

If they are 11-12 could dh not drive them to their new home (paid for time
And mileage) and they stay there alone till parents home

If they are there till 530 it's hardly late
/knocking into your Evening

If you are tired once home go up to bed for a rest

I cannot get my head around the level of complete disrespect this involves.
For me it would be the level that seriously damages my marriage.
I would TELL him it is not happening and HE can go and tell THEM that.

Oh the irony !

Are you seriously suggesting that the OP's dh has "disrespected her" by offering to help his friends out, but that it would be fine for the OP to tell him that he isn't allowed to make decisions like that ?

Sounds to me like you are married to a kind, helpful man OP.
It really is quite sad to see how many people struggle with that concept.

I suspect there is a correlation between some of the venom on this thread shown towards the dh, and the fact there are so many threads about people who have no friends, and people who post to say they haven't got anyone they could ask for help.

Oh how sympathetic to the OP’s condition and need to rest. Wow.

No they are not friends if the DH either. He does them a favour (one way favours it seems) by taking their kids to school sometimes. That’s not a friendship.

The OP has a right to relax in her own house after a day at work (or even spend time one in one with her kids without other children that she barley knows being around).

Her having a rest on the sofa does not prevent the rest of the house from using the living room. She just doesn’t want other people’s kids in there too.

I would have offered myself when I was a SAHM. I used to look after a friend's daughter very early in the morning and take her to school and had her in the evening until about 6 one day a week. When she had another child I looked after him one day a week from early to 6pm. Dh was at work so didn't concern him. My 2dds didn't like it though as they were used to my attention. I think your dh is being a good neighbour. Presumably the children won't be having tea at yours and will probably occupy themselves.

Just quoting this as people seemed to have evolved this in to helping out friends. They’ve never even been in each other’s houses..

OP is not friends with them and doesn’t know these children. The DH is not friends with them.

This could potentially go on for months. Every night after school..

@Manthide you helped a friend out for one day a week and have said your DD's didn't like that. This is a completely different situation, this is every day of the week, long term situation, 2 extra DC and neighbours not even friends.

How else do friendships develop if not by being good neighbours? Some of my longest lasting friendships have been with neighbours. I’m not so petty as to view relationships as transactional, you pay it forward and then it comes back around when they are in a position to help you.

She can rest as much as she wants to either way. So I’m not buying that her condition requires a home empty of everyone but her DH and own children. And she will always “barely know” other children if no one is allowed around hers after school ever because she’s doing performative fatigue on the sofa.

(I have chronic fatigue from a serious head injury myself and my DD has CFD/ME like the OP so I know the condition.)

OP,

People have huge difficulty in reading OP's. In the absence of actually reading what is written, they add a whole new narrative to suit them and then make a completely unrelated comparison🙄🤷🏻‍♀️

Casual neighbours=friends
1 day a week=5days
A sahp saying yes to this every day in the home for several months = interference in a partners job in their workplace

A sahp doing this while her partner is at work and completely unaffected by the decision = a partner coming home to extra strange children in the house after a busy day working with children.

You have very legitimate concerns regarding your own child being impacted in their down time which he needs to decompress.

People pleaser, whatever you want to call him, he has absolutely disrespected you.

I would say the exact same to a sahm who did this for acquaintance neighbours if it impacted her husband.

It should have been discussed.

If this goes ahead and your child is impacted I would be seriously unimpressed.

Performative fatigue? You sound lovely.

Have you read the OP? The neighbours have moved. And in all the time living there, despite the DH helping out and taking the son to school from time to time they didn’t become friends. Bit late now! I’m sure OP has lots of friends. She doesn’t need a coupe of 11/12 year olds in her house day after day for months to make friends…

The impact on family time will be huge. When I had young children that time of day was very hectic - homework, tea or ferrying to activities. The last thing anyone needs is more children to worry about - especially when they barely know them. This is not a one off this is every day for months…

I don’t think she said no children are allowed around ever? What a leap. She has much younger children so far more likely she will have play dates with those of a similar age don’t you think?

I don't think the husband is going to become friends with these people - they have just moved away! If they hadn't become friends all the time they were living next door (and getting the dh to do some of the school runs for them already), it's not likely to happen now!

Sadly, many of us have experience with cheeky fuckers, who will use kind people as a resource to facilitate their own lives and won't be seen for dust when it's time to return a favour.

The dh in this situation hasn't thought about what he'll do on days when his own kids are off school sick, or need to go somewhere, or want friends over. Or just don't want to entertain the former neighbours kids for a couple of hours every day.
And this doesn't sound nice for the visiting children either, being dumped on the neighbours because their parents have made a really stupid decision.

X posted

I think your DH is being autocratic and completely lacking in thinking through the implications of blithely saying yes to a neighbour without discussing with you or DC. It is a family home and impacts you all.

Honest conversation needed urgently! It is your home and even without medical needs, many people would struggle to not be able to just flop and completely relax. Home is meant to be a sanctuary. If you weren’t there the neighbours would have to sort out their childcare with another option.

They have chosen to move so they must have known timing could be difficult. It is not up to you to fix it. It’s very different helping out in a one-off emergency to long term daily care so I don’t agree with PP who said this attitude is why people don’t have good friends/neighbours.

Jesus. Get a definite end date ffs

Men just don't think wider than themselves sometimes ie how it might affect other people ie you.
I'd definitely lay down the law and say no no no. With your health, you don't have the energy to look after other peoples kids. End of.

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