Husband offering childcare without asking me

[Ifeelbetterwhenimdancing]

AIBU? My husband has offered to look after our neighbours children after school EVERY night for ‘a few weeks’ without discussing it with me first. He’s a stay at home dad and helped the neighbours out by walking their kids to school while he was taking ours. I work with other people’s children all day at work, and like to come home and relax, have a bath, sit in my pjs etc. I haven’t met these other children as I was at work when he took them to school previously. We don’t know the neighbours well. Our own son has possible additional needs and usually ‘explodes’ when he gets home as he holds it all in at school. I feel upset he’s not thought about our son or me while offering to do this. My husband would be cooking tea so would not be closely supervising as such, I feel it’s a lot to look after 4 children (who don’t know each other). I honestly don’t know what they will do - to entertain themselves. we don’t have an x box or anything as my children are younger (3 and 8). I don’t like the thought of unfamiliar children with my own children being left alone. The neighbours children are older (possibly 11/12 and 10/11ish)
we often have our own family visit and I feel it will be quite awkward having other children in the house that nobody knows.
just for background - my husband has health issues and I have CFS and I rely on the ability to relax when I get home after a long day.
AIBU to be upset that he didn’t discuss it with me first?

I think you should continue your normal plans, pjs, bed, bath

I would be annoyed that DH did not discuss this with you.

I have no problem with your stay at home husband agreeing to a couple of days every now and again without disgussing it with you but to agree to weeks of care in your home is not respectful to you all.
Decide with your husband about what is sustainable. Maybe at a pinch two weeks to four weeks might be doable. Maybe just three nights per week? Carefully consider knowing that any assistance is very generous of you all.
Your husband needs to set a deadline for the neighbours and explain that if it turns out to be a challenge then he can no longer provide the care.
You and your husband should review the situation from week to week and be willing to change the arrangements.
Start with very specific boundaries ie - homework with no fuss, provide their own snack, stay out of some zones in your house, strict pick up time and another plan enacted by neighbour if kids are sick etc.
Only do what will leave you all feeling fine at the end of each week or resentment will ruin the friendships.

Op how long is it going to go on for? I'm assuming summer with a change of schools then.

It's a huge ask. How far away have they moved. I bet the 11 yo isn't amused having to go to old neighbours afterschool.

Tbh I wouldn't have an issue my hubby doing this and it wouldn't be the first time ive done something similar and he's come home to a few extra kids for an hour. We trust each other and we like to help people when we can and I never expected him to help if he doesn't want to.

I'd change up my routine. Either work later, or come home and straight upstairs for a rest and bath. Have your family time when the others have gone.

If your DH can't even be bothered involving you in a conversation before offering to do it, he mustn't need your help.

As the parent who is home the most i would think he knows whether it will work or not. My partner and i both work full time however he is childcare 3 days a week if he said he was helping someone out by having their kids for a few weeks i wouldnt bat an eyelid.
The kids will hardly be on their own. He is there!
I think youre overthinking it and just peed that he didnt ask. Surely if your kids were a bit older and had been walked to school with a neighbour and you needed help youd ask

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I'd put a complete stop to this. It isn't fair for one person to take on something long term that affects the other person, without discussion and agreement. This compromises your quality time with your own children and is severely restricting if you ever needed to go out after school. What happens if your kids are off sick or have a dentist appointment after school, or want to join an after school activity.
Tell your husband to rescind his offer!

Me too!

Can't believe people saying you should just get over it!

I really don't think you would be unreasonable to either tell this woman yourself or get your husband to take back the whole offer. You have about ten reasons not to do this and it's not as if it's for one day it's for weeks!!

Please put a stop to it. It is not your problem to sort out.

Yes, this
I think it's a nice thing to do, actually. What a lovely man you've married!

I understand why you’re upset that he didn’t discuss it with you first.
But also consider that these kids are a lot more mature than yours. They won’t need anything like the attention and looking after that kids your age do. I find this with friends of mine whose kids are much younger, that as theirs haven’t reached the age that mine are yet they haven’t reached that sweet spot yet! You might find that they are happy to play a game with yours and keep them entertained. My DD11 is always really happy to play with younger kids as it makes her feel like the grown up one.
Hope it works out for you.

"My wife is a SAHM who does the cooking and cleaning and school runs and looks after our children when they get home from school had the audacity to help our neighbour with their childcare after they move homes due to their childcare issues. I go to work all day and won't be able to come home to relax and I dont think its fair."

JJust highlighting this at the complete gender disparity of the advice people on this site get. If this was a husband putting your post on he would get torn to pieces. When you get home from work does he down tools and leave you to do the children so he can relax?

If they was a baby to toddler age I'd understand more as it would be hard work to relax around them but guarenteed at that age they will be glued to their phones or be capable of entertaining themselves.

Your comment about not wanting them to be alone with your children is also slightly concerning as talk about making sweeping judgements about children you don't really know. Have a no bedroom access rule if you are worried about anything going unnoticed by your husband but jeez give your head a bit of a wobble. Heaven forbid they may be lovely children who are great with your children and you enjoy their company????

I'd find out when exactly the arrangements are stopping.

Plus if they're 10/11 why can't they just make their own way back to the new house.
They're old enough.

I think he’s doing a nice thing, and he’s the SAHD doing the childcare so why can’t he offer it up? Your thread title makes it sound like he’s offered you up as childcare, which isn’t really the case. Just put your pyjamas on at bedtime instead of after work.

They sound old enough to hop on a bus/ get a cab/train? Secondary age children make their own way home so I don’t understand why they need childcare? There must be after school clubs? Our school has them every day until 4.30.

It sounds hugely disruptive to your family.

For everyone saying it’s ok. So you would be happy with a couple of 11/12 year olds who you don’t know in your house every day after school until tea time? With no deadline until this ends? You are better people than I am!

@ImAvingOops I think you (and possibly the OP) have the word "husband" confused with "house elf". He didn't lose the right to make decisions just because he's a SAHD.

It would be a no from me. 5.30/6.00 can EASILY spill into making them dinner and them being there into your evening time. Id say you will do it for 2 weeks to allow them to make other arrangements but after closer thought its just not feasible long term.

Would these neighbors do this for you if the shoe was on the other foot? Doubtful.

For the people at the back.
OP has ME/CFS. When she says she needs to rest when she gets home, she's not kidding.
And this is every night for weeks.
Also this isn't some emergency situation like a sudden illness in the neighbours' family, they have MOVED HOUSE. I think I might go along with this arrangement for one week, two at a push, while they cobbled together alternative childcare.
OP I think your DH hasn't really thought about just how much of your evening this is going to cut into. Have a long talk with him when you can do it calmly!

Some people like to make their lives as difficult as possible. Why has your husband offered to do this? I think this would be a big ask for a friend or family member, let alone a neighbour you don’t know. After school is like the witching hour in our house, the thought of two kids I don’t know thrown in to the mix would send me over the edge. Personally I would make him take back the offer. If they’re moving it’s unlikely you’ll see them again. Why is a neighbours childcare issues, your problem?

I have ME too and a child with SEN. There is no way either of us for could cope with more than a one off. I don't think most posters have any idea how important rest and pacing is with ME/CFS or how a child who masks needs space to decompress. I am completely shocked that your DH has offered this in fact. I am also asking why an 11/12 year old can't just be at home and wait for their parents? Why do they need to be in your house? At best I would offer to be available to the older children if they were at home and needed you in an emergency. If your husband wants to do more... he can but at their house not yours.

You really need to advocate for yourself and your son and put some boundaries in place.

I would ask for some reassurance around exactly how long they will be doing this arrangement. It will likely go on till July if they are already saying April.
Your DH sounds like a lovely guy. There aren’t too many selfless people like that.

Sounds like it's a short term/ temp arrangement

Your husband sounds nice

He should have discussed with you prior to offering, but I would encourage you to now discuss whether you can help out this friend for a few weeks.

You have valid concerns, but perhaps they can all be addressed. Such as can you lay down in bed instead of taking up the sofa?

Can the children do their homework while at yours?

The ages don’t seem to be an issue in regards as to you needing to babysit as children are largely independent at that age and the 11/12 Yr old could even be a help with the younger ones.

We have helped friends out before with similar issues….divorce/house move and needing a place for their child(ren) to go after school for a few hours. And then in return, we have been helped when we needed it by them.