Husband offering childcare without asking me

[Ifeelbetterwhenimdancing]

AIBU? My husband has offered to look after our neighbours children after school EVERY night for ‘a few weeks’ without discussing it with me first. He’s a stay at home dad and helped the neighbours out by walking their kids to school while he was taking ours. I work with other people’s children all day at work, and like to come home and relax, have a bath, sit in my pjs etc. I haven’t met these other children as I was at work when he took them to school previously. We don’t know the neighbours well. Our own son has possible additional needs and usually ‘explodes’ when he gets home as he holds it all in at school. I feel upset he’s not thought about our son or me while offering to do this. My husband would be cooking tea so would not be closely supervising as such, I feel it’s a lot to look after 4 children (who don’t know each other). I honestly don’t know what they will do - to entertain themselves. we don’t have an x box or anything as my children are younger (3 and 8). I don’t like the thought of unfamiliar children with my own children being left alone. The neighbours children are older (possibly 11/12 and 10/11ish)
we often have our own family visit and I feel it will be quite awkward having other children in the house that nobody knows.
just for background - my husband has health issues and I have CFS and I rely on the ability to relax when I get home after a long day.
AIBU to be upset that he didn’t discuss it with me first?

This ^^. I now see how the 'don't answer the door/ don't talk to neighbours/ text me don't call me / don't drop by spontaneously when passing/ assume everyone's out to get you' attitude is passed from generation to generation.

Come home from work, OP, have your bath and go and lie on your bed for a bit until the parents collect the children.

One of the most important things you can teach your children is an ability to be flexible and find the positive in less than ideal situations. I like the sound of the OP's husband very much.

The neighbours are CF and taking advantage of your kind DH. They’re not even paying him. They need to fork out for after school clubs. For months you’ll have these 2 random older children in your house. Barely any time to spend with your own dc by the time you come home. Tell your DH to rescind the offer.

You dh sounds lovely but I think he’s bitten off more than your family can chew. He needs to nip it in the bud now and tell them after discussing it with you, he’s realised it’s not feasible. I’m sure you won’t mind being seen as the bad guy. He can blame it on you.

Stand firm. I would have hated this and I haven’t got the issues you have. For a friend temporarily, yes. For a stranger long term. No way.

For me, it'd be a no for anything but a one-off from what you've described and for your reasons given. He really should have raised it with you before agreeing. It's unlikely to be a few weeks if they need minding till the end of the school year. Once the parents get used to this arrangement they will feel entitled to it. I'd feel put upon especially because they weren't friends, only acquaintances! They need to use school wraparound care, get family or friends to help or engage a childminder. I bet there are childminders with availability, but it sounds like your husbands kind offer is preferable for them as he will not be invoicing them!

He should have checked with you. What would you have said? A hard no?
He needs to work out a way to make tea while keeping the kids out of your way. If that's too hard for him, it's his problem: he can find an alternative solution or report back to the other parents that his offer will only last X days after all.

Who on earth sells their house and moves without a plan for what will happen with their kids schooling? And then palms them off onto the neighbours who they barely know?? And who agrees to look after these kids when his breadwinner wife has a chronic health condition? Everyone in this story apart from the OP is completely mad.

I was a SAHM for about 20 years and I would have been perplexed if my husband had started questioning my decisions regarding looking after other people's children etc. He had his domain (work), and I had mine (children/home). So long as your husband isn't expecting you to come home from work and immediately start looking after other people's children, I think YABU. If the SAHP is happy with the arrangement, then you can't really start quibbling about whether it's good for your DC. The person who is the SAHP is the person who is best placed to know this.

@Untitledsquatboulder I don't think it's me that's confusing the husband with a house elf - more like the CF neighbours! Who moves house do that their kids can't get home from school and then asked the neighbour to mind them everyday for the foreseeable?

I am a sahp and do what I want during the day. But if what I wanted to do involved having a strangers kids in the house everyday and affected my family's time after school or made my dh feel uncomfortable, I'd not just agree to do it without any kind of discussion first. It's the OPs home too!

I think DH should have discussed this with you, especially as you have CFS.
The neighbours are CFs for asking DH to do this every night for an unspecified length of time. He should have said he would do it for a couple of weeks but after that they would need to make an alternative arrangement. It's an absolute pain to have this going on for however long, possibly until the end of the school year.
Having said that, I do think you are being quite dramatic about it - older kids being alone with your kids (they aren't alone); having nothing to do - well surely they will bring something to do or can do homework or read; it might be awkward if family members visit and kids they don't know are there - why?? Why would this be awkward? We've always had random kids showing up in our family and it was never awkward.

Helping for a few days fine but for a few weeks it isn’t.

But I don't have a DH who would do this without discussion and I also wouldn’t do it without discussion.

Like others I'd do this (and have) for a good friend, but for an acquaintance - no.
I also wouldn't appreciate a DH putting it on me without discussion; that's really not on, and if he wants to play white knight I'd be tempted to tell him to sort it himself

On another note, have you checked yourself whether child minders are available? I'm not trying to suggest it's your job, but would be interested to know whether they really are scarce or if the DPs just want to save money by using you

This would not sit well with me either OP. I think you have every right to feel upset. My dh can do as he pleases,when ever he likes and I do not question his choices he makes,however when his ideas affect our home life and us,his wife and children to our detriment much like this decision is being imposed on you and your children then no it becomes unacceptable. You need to sit down and tell him its not the kids or his kindness thats being doubted its the fact that this is your home and not a drop in center or business, He sounds a good man but he needs to reassess this issue.

Before this happened Op I'd want your DH to get some answers from their DPs. If they can't find care before the end of the school year will they expect him to have them every day until July? I'd be OK with a couple of weeks but no more. Your DH's kindness is lovely but there's kind and there's being a pushover.

I think a lot of the people saying it's OK are overlooking the fact that the OP has CFS. This is a debilitating condition. Most people with it can't work, and the fact that the OP is managing to must mean she is unbelievably tired and in pain by the time she gets home.

Imagine you had flu, had to go to work, and then had a house full of kids that weren't your own by the time you dragged yourself home. Day after day, for weeks at a time.

CFS is a nasty, nasty condition (my dad has it) - OP, you really need to put yourself first. If you don't get enough rest you'll end up in crisis. x

Our own son has possible additional needs and usually ‘explodes’ when he gets home as he holds it all in at school.

I don't think yabu in the slightest, this would stress me right out.

I think your husband sounds lovely. We need more people like him if we are to ever move beyond our individualistic, each man for himself, culture

Whatever the reason and no matter how kind he is being he should have run this by you - end of. It’s your home too and you will be helping tidy all the mess. It’s also like that the neighbours will start to see you as a “free ride” and start taking the pee as people sadly do. He has not thought this through and he should have asked you. I would be annoyed by this.

If it was just 2 weeks to help out I’d do it- the fact that this sounds like a longer-term problem would put me off massively. At those ages, it’ll cost you a fair amount just in snacks let alone the inconvenience of not being able to go out during the evening or take your own children to activities (assuming you can’t easily transport 4 kids with car seats etc). I could also see April becoming end of July and you all getting really pissed off with it.

this is it, it might be annoying to you. But he has clearly made for the judgment and is willing to do it.

They're just children not roving monsters and will be supervised by him. Leave him to it, lie down on your bed.

Maybe the kids will enjoy the company and make friends. I think its a mild inconvenience and he is happy to help out a family in a pinch. Hopefully this will get passed back around :)

The neighbours should have made a suitable plan when they considered moving.
Is not your problem anyway, and it sounds like you and at least one of your children need your home to be your safe space after school or work. Why would you give that up? If you're at all wondering about family neurodivergency then you must advocate for yourself and your child. As they say, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

It was nice of your DH to agree to this arrangement but it doesn't really sound very practical.

IMO every day of every week for weeks is too much. What if you want to do something after school with your DC, what if your DC has an appointment, or your DC wants to have a playdate, what if someone in the family is ill etc etc. It's far too restrictive on your home life. Completely different if you were running a childminding service but you aren't.

Also, are these other children at primary or secondary. If secondary, could this be going on for years?

Maybe you could compromise and do 2 days a week but personally, I wouldn't let it start there isn't an end date and this could become a problem.

I really think your neighbours should have thought this through before they moved house.

The OP barely knows them. They are not friends.

So she has to go and hide away in her bedroom rather than being able to relax on her sofa. Great.

How far have they moved? Surely the kids can jump on a bus, or the parents pay for a taxi, it's not rocket science. OP shouldn't have to lose the majority of her evening downtime because the neighbours aren't capable of sorting their own children out.

@beAsensible1 Has the OP's DH really thought this through though? He might have been put on the spot and agreed without thinking through all the implications and restrictions that it causes to OP and her family's home life.

The children are all different ages, so they will invariably fall out from time to time. There will be a lot of noise, lots of clearing up, where does this leave OP's DC and playdates, after school clubs, appointments - it's too much. Fine if you are running a childminding service but OP isn't. Where is the end date, I feel this is a warning that it could potentially go on for years. Maybe okay for a couple of days or even a couple of weeks but this is a long term arrangement with no end date.

Also, if one of these DC is at secondary school how long is this arrangement going to be in place?

OP's DH is going to be responsible for these DC after school too. What if one goes off with a friend and doesn't let him know. It's too much and I don't think OP's DH has really thought this through. It was a nice thing for him to agree to but realistically it isn't practical.

I would seriously consider going to see the neighbours and explaining that the arrangement cannot go ahead. Although difficult to do this, much better now than months down the line when the neighbours will be saying well okay but can you do it until the end of the academic year and then we'll find something alternative and then they don't.

The neighbours really should have thought this through.

@beAsensible1 "Maybe the kids will enjoy the company and make friends. I think its a mild inconvenience and he is happy to help out a family in a pinch. Hopefully this will get passed back around :)"

I really don't think you can classify this arrangement as a "mild inconvenience". People get paid for doing this, it isn't one or two days a week it's every day of every week for weeks - no end date. 4 DC all different ages, it's not practical.