Husband offering childcare without asking me

[Ifeelbetterwhenimdancing]

AIBU? My husband has offered to look after our neighbours children after school EVERY night for ‘a few weeks’ without discussing it with me first. He’s a stay at home dad and helped the neighbours out by walking their kids to school while he was taking ours. I work with other people’s children all day at work, and like to come home and relax, have a bath, sit in my pjs etc. I haven’t met these other children as I was at work when he took them to school previously. We don’t know the neighbours well. Our own son has possible additional needs and usually ‘explodes’ when he gets home as he holds it all in at school. I feel upset he’s not thought about our son or me while offering to do this. My husband would be cooking tea so would not be closely supervising as such, I feel it’s a lot to look after 4 children (who don’t know each other). I honestly don’t know what they will do - to entertain themselves. we don’t have an x box or anything as my children are younger (3 and 8). I don’t like the thought of unfamiliar children with my own children being left alone. The neighbours children are older (possibly 11/12 and 10/11ish)
we often have our own family visit and I feel it will be quite awkward having other children in the house that nobody knows.
just for background - my husband has health issues and I have CFS and I rely on the ability to relax when I get home after a long day.
AIBU to be upset that he didn’t discuss it with me first?

YANBU

When I was a SAHP, I would have discussed this with DH before offering.

It's not like letting the children have friends round to play as a one-off - I would have bothered checking that. This is EVERY night for an extended period and it will affect you and your health condition.

I'd be going upstairs and leaving him to it, since you weren't involved in the decision.

This sounds like it could continue until the find a school place nearer them. That could be quite some time!

I’m completely with you op.
what I would do is carry on as normal. Have your bath, change into your pjs, play your music, do your yoga etc etc. In fact I’d not make any accommodation for these children at all and I say that as someone who was always the default childminder when my dcs were young. Everyone seemed to ask (or not ask) me to look after their dcs.
You need to tell your dh that he must consult you in future, it’s your home too.
My ex didn’t consult me on too many occasions so I feel your pain.

I would be really annoyed too @Ifeelbetterwhenimdancing , especially as you're not well.

This made me laugh .
I've just discovered motherland. watched 3 episodes so far and Kevin is pissing me off already. 😁

I would feel that would be a huge intrusion on family life in 'normal' circumstances. I might have done this for a friend in dire need for a limited time, but not without discussing it with my husband. When you then throw ME/CFS into the mix, I think it's bordering on irresponsible. Huge crash risk territory here, with potential of a downward spiral. I have a dc suffering from this and can't fathom how anyone close to you would think this would be a good idea. Anyone who hasn't got close experience with ME, really shouldn't comment on this. This is a completely different situation to someone fit or well

Actually OP I don’t think this is ok. I am the SAHP but this would affect my dh and dcs so would have spoken to him prior to agreeing and probably said no. After school time is when we do our kids homework, they do activities, play with friends or just relax on the tv. I make dinner and interact with my own kids so wouldn’t want other peoples kids here daily. I wouldn’t mind the odd time to help outa friend or neighbour but a long term commitment is not really that great for your family life. I also have a 3 year old as well as school age dcs. I like to be able to go to the park in the summer after school if I want or go swimming etc. I think it’s nice he wants to help but surly your neighbours must have factored this in before moving.

@Ifeelbetterwhenimdancing - Firstly I'd start off by asking DH if he's working reduced hours so that he can be the person that these kids are coming "home" to after school.
If he has agreed that he will be looking after them, then there is no issue (for the time being).
If he has signed off on you being the adult looking after them, then he'll have to retract this offer for the moment.

You can then speak with the neighbour and decide exactly what you're willing to do here for them. Whether it would be one day per week or only for emergency purposes, both are equally acceptable and would probably get the neighbour out of a fix at least in the immediate short term.

You would have to say that your DH came in and said that you were looking after the kids but he hadn't discussed it with you (if needs be drop him in the shit as he has had no issues doing the same to you), but that you cannot look after their kids Mon-Fri after school. It's just not possible. You can still remain on friendly terms with them but you do not have to be their unpaid childminder.

At the start of my post I mentioned that if your DH has agreed that he'll be the one looking after these kids and it wouldn't be an issue for the time being, I'd be very cautious of 'the creeping' in on your time if he slowly becomes less and less available to look after them.

Just be on your guard and there is always the old adage that gets rolled out on MN "I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me". Keep that in your back pocket!

I’d be fuming too OP! It’s a lot to come home after work and see to your own children, mine like yours often come home over tired and let loose after being well behaved all day. Let alone add someone else’s to the mix! I’d let this one go as already arranged but I’d let dh know not to be offering past the initial agreed few weeks.

I think YABU assuming it’s definitely a few weeks. Surely they’re not there all evening. In the reverse, I bet no one would question a SAHM offering this. It’s good for kids to learn to get on with other different age kids.

I think years is an exaggeration and if op or husband thinks it will be 'years' then obviously it has be discussed but apparently its until april which is what i've gathered from OP responses.

Even if he hasn't thought it through, he's an adult and the SAHP he knows what he can and can't manage and its up to him to sort if he wants to adjust it.

They have an 3 and 8 year old so their home life is pretty much what it is for the foreseeable, he will know when appointments and extra curriculars are as he will be the one doing them.

I don't imagine they have after school playdates that often, and if they do pretty sure one more won't hurt.

I get why OP is annoyed but really if he's willing to take it and help out someone then its on him.
As someone posted upthread the level of insularity and individualism has to be let go. build community with people!

He is looking after 2 children for a 2 hours! its not rocket science or life threatening. give them fruit and crisps, get them on with some homework and a bit of telly. He should ask for a little bit of money towards after school snacks etc.

I just honestly think there are worst things in the world and its not that serious and we are infantilising OP husband as if he isn't aware of the burden he's taken on.

I disagree that no one would question a sahm offering this. I guarantee on MN alone posters would point out the absolute cheeky fuckery of the neighbours! And would ask the OP what happens when her own kids want friends round at the same time or want to go out themselves, or have after school appointments.

In real life I reckon most men wouldn't be thrilled to come home after a knackering day at work, to find someone else's kids in the house every day indefinitely

Right at the start, say to the visiting kids " Now, I expect you've got some home work to do, here's the dining room table. No? Well, tomorrow, bring yourselves some books to read."

Either they peacefully politely entertain themselves and are no trouble at all; or you tell the neighbours " Sorry, this is not going to work out FOR ME AND MY DC so I'm afraid you'll have to make other arrangements".

@beAsensible1 OP has not said it is until April. OP put in a post - it is long term, April and beyond.

It's not just up to the OP's DH though is it? It affects the whole family, it's not like they are even the same ages or thereabouts, all those ages have different routines after school. How do you know, it's been thought thorough, he might have been put on the spot, agreed and now doesn't know how to backtrack. It's not that straightforward.

Life with primary school children can be quite unpredictable - what if one needs a doctor's appointment, dentists, playdates happen a lot at that age, parent's evenings, what if one of the children is ill - are they going to want other DC there. You can't say they will know appointments and activities, things change all the time and quite often activities change from time to time.

I don't imagine they have after school playdates that often, and if they do pretty sure one more won't hurt - seriously, can't believe you say this. IME lots of playdates happen at primary school age and then 5 DC after school.

I get why OP is annoyed but really if he's willing to take it and help out someone then its on him.
As someone posted upthread the level of insularity and individualism has to be let go. build community with people! - It's not just on him though is it, OP has medical condition and this will invariably impact on their own routine. Yes, it's nice to help out I agree but this is another commitment altogether.

He is looking after 2 children for a 2 hours! its not rocket science or life threatening. give them fruit and crisps, get them on with some homework and a bit of telly. He should ask for a little bit of money towards after school snacks etc. - Of course it's not rocket science, who is saying it is but it will be completely chaotic and anyone that thinks it won't is naive. If the neighbours want to move, they need to put proper childcare arrangements in place.

I just honestly think there are worst things in the world and its not that serious and we are infantilising OP husband as if he isn't aware of the burden he's taken on. - Well, yes again, of course, there are worst things going on in the world but that isn't the point. The OP can see this is going to have a significant impact on her afternoon/evening and is rightly concerned. We all have to have some space, routine, downtime so we can run our own lives and look after ourselves. If this was a couple of days a week, possibly okay but IMO it's far too much to expect someone to commit to.

activities change from term to term

I really don't understand why he didn't discuss it with you first?! Most bizarre. I'd ask him to message back saying, sorry but I didn't run it past my wife. She thinks it will be too much for us because, she has M.E and our child has additional needs (often having a melt down after school). I'm so sorry.

@Ifeelbetterwhenimdancing - Unless you want to have footprints all over you from now until forever, do not reply like this. You've absolutely nothing to be "so sorry" for.

Reply politely but you do not have to apologise in your reply
"Hi Former Neighbour, When we were speaking about looking after Billy and Tommy after school yesterday evening, I hadn't discussed it with my wife to see if it would be something that we could do for you. Unfortunately, we are not in a position to look after the boys each day when they finish school. I do hope you're able to find an alternative person who can. Hope you're settling in to your new home. All the best - Mr Ifeelbetter"

That's polite. It gets the point across but there is no apologising required.

@LookItsMeAgain OP's husband is a SAHD, so his "working hours" don't come into it.

I'd say the more the merrier, and I always found my children liked having other children around the house. It's all too easy to be one's own "little family" but the OP's husband is modelling kindness and flexibility to his children, which is a very good thing.

He's modelling doormat wrt the neighbours. And not kindness to his wife and kids either, who will soon find this very restrictive

Op I would be furious, no way could I be bothered with that. Op tell him to say something has come up in the family and he can't do it anymore.

'but the OP's husband is modelling kindness and flexibility to his children, which is a very good thing.'

Or being an absolute mug, they must have seen him coming to put on to him like this. SAHD isn't code for free child minder!

Does anyone else not see that OP's DH has become the ex neighbours free childminder providing wraparound care for them.

The neighbours have stated they cannot find wraparound care so this arrangement will likely be ongoing until July.

The OP's DH is being taken advantage of.They were previously not friends with these former neighbours and tbh they areCF's.

If OP doesn't want additional children in the house 5 nights a week for the rest of the spring/summer term then she's entitled to say so,it's her home too.

Op have you told your dh to retract the offer? If he refuses message your neighbours yourself and tell them plans have changed, and you can no longer do it. Don't give them a reason or justify why you can't, they don't need to know.

OP,

I cannot get my head around the level of complete disrespect this involves.

For me it would be the level that seriously damages my marriage.

I would TELL him it is not happening and HE can go and tell THEM that.

This is actually a bit unbelievable to be honest.

What a complete and utter twat you have chosen to marry.

The type of people pleaser that does things for those he doesn't know, whilst not caring in the least for his immediate family who will be impacted.

Oh, and those people?
They privately think he is a mug, an idiot, and an absolute fool.

Because only a real idiot would do this.

My skin would crawl being married to someone like that.🤢🤮

I feel very very sorry for you.
You and your child deserve better.

I’d also add that by doing this he’s removing quite a lot of the benefits of having a sahp at home for the 8yo eg attention, help with home work, going to activities and other play dates. Presumably he has the 3yo although could be in nursery. No doubt the OP will also say she ends up doing loads of the housework etc. the arrangement will also be rubbish for the older ones. It’s interesting that the neighbours don’t seem to have asked their children’s friends parents for such a favour.

Well, I don't agree. I would welcome all comers, as would my children (we've had all kinds of people staying here over the years, and my DC like the fact that they know I won't turn anyone away). In the OP's case, it's hardly the children's fault if their parents are CFs (if that's what they are: we don't know them or their reasons for asking the OP's husband to do this. On the face of it, they do look like CFs, but things are not always the way they seem).

My skin would crawl if I were married to someone who shut the door and told other people to piss off. But we are all different.