The stupid takeaway.

[Gworlie]

My OH has been away for a week and came back today. He turned up this evening with a Chinese takeaway for himself. Didn't even say he was getting one or asked if I wanted one. I've worked all week and done all childcare, which is fine, but when I said "well that's a bit shitty, I'm knackered and hungry too" his response was "well cook something then". I'm raging but he's acting like I'm being crazy.

How are things this morning? He should have been bringing you breakfast in bed!

I think you’ll just end up having a rubbish weekend, you’ve said yourself this is a one off, that he’s normally thoughtful. It’s a bit of a mountain out of a molehill. Life’s far too short for petty arguments.

I mean it's one thing to only bring home takeaway for one person but I think it was his attitude that you could cook something for yourself if you were hungry that is the really telling part of this situation.
He could have not bought anything at all from the takeaway and had a home cooked meal. He could also have checked to see if anyone else wanted takeaway but he did neither and his response when you brought the topic up tells us a lot about the man he is. His immediate reaction wasn't apologetic or acknowledging that he mucked up. He went on the defensive and dared to suggest that you should cook for yourself if you were hungry.

My advice would be to play what is called the long game here @Gworlie. Don't go off like a grenade at him. Keep your powder dry and be polite to him but don't extend anything to him. He wants his clothes washed - he does them himself. He wants food to eat - he sorts himself out. He wants to watch sport, then you're watching Dancing on Ice or Netflix and don't change the channel.

If his parents are around and they are usually nice to you, perhaps get them on side too "Did I tell you that when X got home, after being away a week and not having to look after the kids or run around after them and do work for a week, he brought home a takeaway just for him? I mean really". Time for him to spend some time in the dog house.

Passive aggression is never helpful in relationships. Never.

I'm kind of surprised at the number of people on here saying they would get revenge by doing the same back to him, and then the issue would be resolved.

I can understand the desire, but this is your partner who you are meant to be in a caring, loving relationship with. Is that the sort of dynamic you want? "Get your own back/ teach him a lesson"? I think that's really unhealthy.

Just talk to him about how he actually made you feel. Depending on his response to that, think about whether you want to stay in a relationship with this man.

I'm not saying LTB but just, as you say, 'lay it out on the table'. You need to be able to be vulnerable with this man, he is your partner and whilst this is 'just' a chinese takeaway, the feelings simmering away beneath it are actually big and need discussing openly and honestly.

But you didn’t do the same last night. You bought what you could with cash available and offered to share with your family. That’s the opposite of what the OP’s DH did.

So he's been away on a jolly for a week and he comes back and treats you with disdain.
That isn't really the behaviour of someone who can't wait to come back to his family is it?
My guess is he's had a great time away with his mates and he resents having to come back to his adult life. He's blaming you for keeping him "trapped" and has probably had his friends and family winding him up about being hen pecked.
I think the takeaway was not an oversight, it was an act of (passive) aggression.
Don't escalate it with silly tit for tat games, wait a day or two then sit down and talk properly.
You deserve much better.

I’m joining others in supporting the ‘long game’ approach. I would be pleasant and non committal because I don’t like arguments but I would not include him when cooking or discuss with him about going out with/without the kids.

I'd have been raging at this too, OP, and would've woken up still cross this morning! It's not even the selfishness of him buying for one – the fact he didn't think of your kids either was 😮– but his churlish response that you should just cook for yourself. I'd have bloody well made him eat it in the garden!

If he doesn't apologise today, definitely stick to the plan of not doing his washing and not cooking for him. I'd be making myself the biggest bacon butty for breakfast and eating it in front of him!

I think it was very selfish of him not to think of you and the DC when he was getting a Chinese takeaway just for himself.

If it was me I'd not do his manky laundry, if he puts it in the machine but doesn't switch it on then I'd take it out. If he wants clean clothes then tell him "well wash something then". Also I'd be very cool with him after his behaviour and I would be ordering Chinese for me and the DC this evening and leave him to sort his own meals today and possibly tomorrow. Cheeky fecker.

Morning all! So many messages! I do think he had planned to get the takeaway as the train station is a fair distance from our home and I thought it was strange that he had turned down a lift. I also do think he wanted a row and I'm annoyed at myself for not keeping my cool.

Tried to talk to him this morning but he just rolled his eyes and walked out the room. I've made me and the kids breakfast (he didn't say anything just gave me a dirty look) and done all mine and the kids washing (didn't even have that much to do hahaha). Going to go out for the day and having a Chinese takeaway at my sisters tonight 😉

Well done Op.

I am sorry but I cannot help but feel of some of the issues on here sometimes lose perspective.

Turn the news on and see what is going on in Ukraine. And see real stress.

He didn't bring me a takeaway. Ask him why he didn't bring or ask you.

And sort it out. You don't say what time he got home. If later than when you normally eat he probably thought you had eaten. Did you speak together during the day? Could you have rung him and asked him about dinner before he got home. Assuming you weren't cooking for him or had had your meal already?

People can be annoyed about and discuss issues in their private lives regardless of any current events.

If you only want to read about and discuss serious world issues and what you term ‘real stress’ then you should probably get off AIBU.

I'd be straight on just eat. Over-order, keep some for next day. Have your left overs next day and if he says anything tell him to cook himself something.

I do think where possible you should try to communicate. But if he won't listen feel free to do less for him.

Also on working hours, I presume you're looking after a child on the extra day? So actually time for chores is limited. And even if you're not, that gives you like 6 hours to do chores, nowhere near what you spend doing it I expect.

I just asked my OH if he'd ever have got himself a take away without even asking me and he said 'You'd kill me'.

And then I mentioned the suitcase by the washing machine and he raised his eyebrows and had no words.

He has spent a few days with his mates and you can bet they’ve all been telling each other how unfairly their wives or girlfriends treat them and they need to assert themselves. I’d bet on it. Hence he was looking for a fight.

Morning @Gworlie - he seems a bit distant and not engaging again this morning doesnt he?

Are you leaving the kids with him while you go out and have some time alone and with your sister later?

I think you need to sit down and have a proper conversation about his behaviour toward you soon. He seems to be removing himself from family life.

It is just a case of perspective. The words used. The suggested 'punishments' etc.

Yeah I did try and talk to him this morning but he still thinks there's no issue and that he did nothing wrong. I'm going on the we cater for ourselves now as he seems to think it's okay that he just sorts himself out with no thought to me. I'm being polite but he knows me really well so it's weird hahaha.

😒

I can see from an early post you normally eat at about 7ish but he got home at 6.30 and you had not eaten. So you were waiting for him to get home?

He had spent time away with friends and family.

I would certainly try to get to the bottom of what is wrong.

Dickhead.

Order yourself a takeaway tonight and eat it in front of him.

Call it even.

If it's otherwise a good relationship I wouldn't get into a weeks long argument about it.

What a ding-dong. It’s so silly because it’s no extra effort to get enough takeaway for everyone, since he went there anyway – so what benefit is there to excluding you?

@Guis yeah I was waiting for him to get home and then I was going to cook dinner for us all.