The stupid takeaway.

[Gworlie]

My OH has been away for a week and came back today. He turned up this evening with a Chinese takeaway for himself. Didn't even say he was getting one or asked if I wanted one. I've worked all week and done all childcare, which is fine, but when I said "well that's a bit shitty, I'm knackered and hungry too" his response was "well cook something then". I'm raging but he's acting like I'm being crazy.

@Arrrrrrragghhh completely understand that. We normally have dinner around 7/8pm because of work hours. He got home at 6:30pm with his dinner. DC and I hadn't eaten yet. And even then if he'd said something like you'd said I'd have been more understanding but he told me to cook myself something if I was hungry haha.

@Arrrrrrragghhh he was hardly working away for a week, he was having the time of his life with mates n family whilst poor op at home with the kids. In these circumstances he doesn't deserve to have a meal ready for him.

But I was thinking did he get himself a takeaway out of anger that he will be coming home to no food?
That doesn't excuse it of course! Surely he should've been appreciative of the fact you've been home all week on your own n deserve a Chinese that you also love!

My parents don't get along half the time, and even he wouldn't ever get food just for himself without getting it for mum too.

So, you’re on slightly less than FT hours and he’s only slightly more. It’s not like you’re working one day weeks and he’s pulling 60 hours.

There is no reason for you to be doing this man’s washing. A bit more housework, sure. But, certainly not to the extent it sounds like you are.

‘He doesn’t get it’ he gets it perfectly well. He will get it that you don’t do his washing or cook him dinner. If he doesn’t get it that you’re mad he didn’t buy you dinner too it’s only because in his mind he’s a real person who matters and you’re not.

@AlmostaMamma that made me cry. You're right. I'm allowed to be angry and him pretending tomorrow that it's not an issue or that I'm overreacting doesn't mean I should give in. You're completely right. I needed that.

Early on in my 15 relationship with DH I entirely by accident shrunk his clothes in the wash/tumble dry, he insisted on doing all his own washing/drying/ironing after that which was fine by me.

Good. Sending you an unMumsnetty hug. I think you need one tonight. 💗

Ah well if he was arriving earlier then expected dinner yes he should have got something for you all.

I was a full time working single parent throughout so I don’t get the “ left at home with the kids” things. I always thought I had the better deal on my own frankly . Less difficult than this sort of shit.

I think what I really don't get is if you like a Chinese, and even semi regularly have Chinese together surely he doesn't even need to ring you, he'd just add spring rolls and a chicken chow mein or some other thing you've ordered before on. He wouldn't even need to deign to text you.

I do get he might have somehow forgotten but it doesn't excuse then being a dick about it once he was back.

@AlmostaMamma thank you lots, your advice has been great and thank you for validating my feelings. I feel sad but not prepared to back down haha.

@Arrrrrrragghhh working this week and having the kids has actually been fine, which I'm not sure is good thing or not haha. I've had it down this week.

If he thinks it’s not an issue he didn’t bring you dinner then when he gets cross about no dinner for him or his washing not done you say calmly I don’t understand, you think it’s not a big deal you don’t bring me dinner but it is a big deal I don’t cook you dinner? You can just cook yourself something, stop being so precious. You have hands don’t you?

@Augend23 yeah I'm starting to think he did it to be passive aggressive as it doesn't make any sense, but I'm shite at being passive aggressive. And it seened fine before he went away and the whole time he's been gone. My mum is really passive aggressive and it just gives me anxiety. Far more the lay it out on the table and lose my temper sort of woman.

"You can still have fun without resorting to wasting money on takeaways"

Erm.. how is getting a takeaway a waste? It's food. That you eat. And it saves using your own leccy or gas.

Just to play devil's advocate for a minute.

If this is really unusual for him (and it sounds like it is), then maybe he just spaced out, forgot you wouldn't have eaten yet, and so sorted himself out. Got home and the first thing you do is jump down his throat over something minor. Maybe he's had a shit train journey, maybe hes had a bit of a shit week, and as far as he's concerned you've started a fight as soon as he's walked through the door.

He's been a dick about it regardless, but if this is deeply out of character for him ( and this is the big if, you know him, we don't) then maybe cut him a bit of slack and try and talk reasonably about it with him tomorrow rather than playing tit for tat.

I hope you do the shopping so you can leave his favourite foods off the list. And I'd make sure you and the kids have eaten before he arrives home from work next week..

What an arsehole.

Who the AF wouldn’t buy a meal for their partner too?

Tell him so.

I’m not saying he isn’t selfish. But in the moment, perhaps he was tired after his 6 hour journey and distracted in general, and just ended up impulse buying a meal. Yes, he didn’t think of you in the moment but maybe you’re assigning a bit too much malice to it. His reaction wasn’t ideal, he likely didn’t think of what would happen when you saw his food and went on the defensive. He probably will act like nothing happened tomorrow

@macbooks @fdgdfgdfgdfg would you just let it go then? I'm so annoyed though. More by his reaction than the actual buying himself food. He's stomped up to bed which is annoying as wanted him to sleep on the sofa. I'm seething. And just really upset.

This!

if my DH came home with a takeaway she didn’t offer, I’d be raging

I've just read this to my husband and he's raging on your behalf OP.

So so mean! Please leave him with the kids tomorrow and do something nice for yourself

If it was my DP that did this, then yes I'd probably let it go, because it would be deeply out of character for her. Both the initial thoughtlessness, and the being a dick about it as well. I'd be worried that something was wrong, rather than annoyed.

(Don't get me wrong, she's no angel. There's plenty of other stuff that she does that drives me up the wall on a regular basis, and that I'd happily stoop to her level in response for)

But as you said, he usually asks if you want something even when he's not going to see you for hours. That suggests to me that this is out of character, but only you know if this is characteristic of him.

Even if completely out of character, then I wouldn't let it go completely. But I'd come at it calmly tomorrow, point out that he seemed off last night, is something up, have you upset him in someway, is something else bothering him.

If he's an arse in response, or something similar happens again, then by all means release the hounds

I get annoyed like this a lot more now I’m with someone. It can be hard to work out whether it’s him or what he’s done.

Do you want to make him feel bad as punishment or would you feel better if he made it up to you?

In the morning could say how disappointed you were that he didn’t think of you especially as Chinese is a lovely treat and your favourite . Ask him how he’s he’s going to make it right and give him a bit of space to think about that. If he brushes it off after you’ve been calm and clear then really you can stay cross for as long as it takes.

I would act normal but play it by ear with how he acts tomorrow. If he’s being stroppy then that’s not okay. If he’s apologetic and tries to make it up to you, I’d let it go.

I agee, omg

Self centered twat here's how it should have gone. DH rings and say's I'm going to grab a takeaway do you want anything? You oh yes duck satay would be nice. Definite twat award.