To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

[mdfriend]

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

'An adult with children going out with a 17 year old and introducing the children already is a big red flag, even without the babysitting request.'

I would have massive issues with my 17 year old, boy or girl, going out with someone 6 years older even without the kids. No way I would be babysitting, not in a million years.
I'd worry about any 23 year old interested in 17 year old.

'No, I've never met his gf whenever I mention it he says she's busy.'

Does she even know of his plans?? Seems weird you haven't meet her but you can look after her kids???

Mumsnet spends its life telling people not to be judgemental etc and be kind and then theres people who are slagging this woman off , they dont even know.

Even if she has got two kids with different dads its not uncommon today. I bet theres plenty of people on here who had different fathers for their children.

Shame on people running down a woman they dont know, how dare she have two kids by different dads and she got pregnant all on her own of course.

Nobody has said she got pregnant on her own and nobody has said it's awful for children to have different fathers.

There's a whole list of red flags here:

• A 23 year old who has two young children quite close together in age, so seems to have gone quite quickly from one man to the next with a lax approach to contraception
• She has nothing to do with her children's fathers or their paternal family
• She has nothing to do with her family

-She's dating a 17 year old child -This 17 year old has dropped out of college due to mental health issues

• In the 8 weeks she's been dating this boy, she's already introduced him to her children
• In 8 weeks, she's already started palming childcare off onto him
• he's playing step daddy to a young child in his mum's house
• her and the 17 year old boyfriend are happy for the children to be left with a total stranger (OP) because they want to go out for a date
• OP has offered to meet her but she's always too busy

It's predatory to be honest and I'd have big concerns that before long the game will be it's us against the world, I don't understand why people are against us, teenage flounce and sooner or later another pregnancy

Of course you're entitled to refuse to babysit.
For one thing it's entirely up to you if you choose to do a favour for someone or not.
For another thing, given your concerns about the relationship you probably don't want to mask the realities of the situation from your son by facilitating their dates. The reality of dating a woman with two small children and no support is a loss of the ability to go out like a carefree teen. He needs to understand that.
Thats not to say I don't sympathise with this woman, but she wouldn't be my primary concern.

This was my first thought too.

Nicest way possible I don't think I would be asking you to babysit my kids if you hadn't met them at least a few times. 100% no of the mum doesn't know you. Did she ask for this? That's a bit alarming to me. Unless it's just a case that your son thought it was a nice idea and perhaps hasn't run it by her, he might not think anything of it because you are his mum and he trusts you but really I would not expect the mum to ask this.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I wouldn't do it either. Call me judgemental if you wish but make sure he's taking precautions as he sure doesn't want to be saddled with a baby at his age, especially with a mother with so much baggage

OP did you say children’s fathers?

@girlfriend44 you say he's not a child but... legally he is a child. He's a child!

He cannot get married at his age. He can't legally buy: alcohol, knives, scissors, solvents... he can't even legally buy rated 18 video games or sparklers or certain magazines.

If he wants a credit card, a tattoo or to go to a R18 cinema showing he can't get them.

He's a child.

I wouldn't be babysitting the children of someone I've never met. She is palming her kids off willy nilly which is worrying. Just because your her BF mum doesn't mean you'll be a good/safe/ responsible babysitter. (I'm sure you are but she doesn't know you from Adam. YANBU to say no.

Your sons attitude stinks. He doesn't get to dictate what you do with your evenings nor does he get to call you selfish. Also, when he's in your home what he does is absolutely your business. I think he would benifit from getting a job and paying housekeeping until he starts college again. People who aren't studying need to be working.

YANBU. This wouldn’t sit well with me at all.

i hope he's using condoms, I bet he's not.

I would remind him that he's still a child himself and ask him what the hell he is doing ? I would also point out what woman in her situation sees in a teenager? I would also tell him what a stupid thing he's doing with her and thought I raised him better.

There is another thread at the moment along these same lines of an adult woman dating a 16 year old 'child'. It is gross and terrifies me because boys are so much less mature than girls at this age. If anyone wants to call me judgemental then YES I am. It's weird quite frankly that an adult with 2 children would want to form a full blown relationship with a teenage boy. It's not even like they're dating she is clearly lining him up as their next father figure 😱

No, I wouldn’t be babysitting or encouraging the relationship in any way. Maybe you can’t stop him, but you don’t have to actively facilitate their relationship.

”Won’t be doing anything anyway” - yes I will, I’ll be resting after working all week!

My Dd is 14 and if she had a 23 yo girlfriend in three years time, never mind one with children, I would be extremely worried. Same applies if it was my son st that age, if either of them dated a man that much older etc.

It's not even like they're dating she is clearly lining him up as their next father figure 😱
This.

It would be different if they'd met somewhere with a common interest and were getting to know each other, not rushing things and accepting they're at very different life stages. It's still a bit 😬 that a 23 year old with children would want to be sleeping with a 17 year old, but it would be less concerning overall.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway.

Whatever you think about the suitability of his g/f, you need to school this nonsense out of him. Women are not put on earth to have their time devalued & their labour unappreciated. WhoTF does he think he is - nominating you to be unpaid childminder, so he can go & get his rocks off?

Apologies for the rude language, I am aghast at his entitlement.
If he wants to date a woman with 2 young children, he can take her on dates WITH those children - not palm them off on his mother.

Apart from all that, you are a total stranger to them.
WTF is their mother thinking of, allowing that to happen? That's not casting any aspersions on your character btw! - but who allows their small children to spend a weekend with someone they don't know? What a horribly frightening experience it would be for them - dropped off somewhere new, & mummy suddenly disappears ...

My apologies, I must have missed that one, sorry!

Indeed.

I started my teaching career at 23 and had an upper sixth A level group - all boys (it was a single sex school).

They were nice enough lads and very intelligent (all went to university, one to Cambridge) but their lack of maturity was glaringly obvious to me at my ripe old age of 23.

I wouldn't babysit. This will be a good wake up call for him to realise that going out with a woman with kids will mean they can't date freely and he will be tied down. 17 is so young...I can't imagine wanting to date a 17 year old when I was 23...it's really grim.

At 17 does he not have exams to be studying for or maybe an apprenticeship program to be working towards? Is his education or training complete? Is he working full time or trying to get full time employment. Does he have interests / sport / music / drama which is practices and works on?

This is what a 17 year old boy should be spending his time on.

The woman's age is a separate issue. That she has 2 children is her own business.

His business is your business. He needs to focus on that.

You cannot tell him who he can and cannot see.

Not only is he old enough to make his own decisions but right now it’s probably just a bit of fun for him and he may get bored soon but if you are too negative then it’s just going to push him closer to her.

At 18 I was dating a 24 year old and I don’t think it’s that bad.

I would be sad that my 17 year old is potentially going to be a step dad so young but I’d also hope that with her being a bit older and a mum she’s not going to mess him about and hurt him as much.

I would say yes to babysitting but that you’ll do it at her place so they feel more comfortable and you can put them to bed etc.
This way you’re not giving him any reason to think you’re unhappy with the relationship but you’re also making it known that the kids won’t be at yours every 5 mins.
I wouldn’t suggest snooping but being at hers might give you an idea of what sort of person she is.

This situation doesn't sit well with me.

I'd not be looking after someone else's child if I'd not even met them.

That your son has MH issues is another alarm bell in this scenario. It's wrong on so many levels.

I reserve the right to judge any parent who is happy to palm their young DC off on a stranger.

I reserve the right to judge a 23 year old for shagging a teenager.

I also reserve the right to judge you for your ridiculous #BeKind bullshit.
It's not OP's responsibility to become an unpaid childminder to her son's g/f, just because the g/f's own mother won't do it either.

Your internalised misogyny is laid embarrassingly bare with your nonsense about "win all round"? It's not a "win" for OP, who doesn't want to do it, is it? It's not unsupportive parenting to take on 2 DC who have never met you, so your teen son can go & shag his g/f. I cringed for you, reading that. Good parents know how & when to say no. If you think going along with whatever your children want because it would "probably be nice" all you are doing is raising the next generation of entitled brats.

It's gobsmacking that a 17 year old child has just informed his mother that she ought to step into a childcare role because he reckons she's "not doing anything else". Makes me wonder what kind of a role model OP's H or partner is.

Absolutely! When I was 17 I was in my first year of 6 form. When I was 23 I was a qualified teacher with 17 year olds in my class.