To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

[mdfriend]

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

Whose idea was it for you to babysit?

To be fair we are all blaming the girlfriend but does she even know about it or was it your sons bright idea? Oh my mum will babysit.

1st Red flag, what 23 year old wants to date a 17 year old?!

2nd red flag what mother introduces her children to someone she’s been seeing for two months? I wouldn’t even do it after a year!

3rd red flag - what mother leaves her young and vulnerable children with strangers which is exactly what your son and you are to her.

awful.

Oh god OP, your update is not filling me with confidence. He doesn’t sound very ‘grown up’, dropped out of a course already and not doing anything until September, how the hell has that come about.

If he has MH issues that leaves him quite vulnerable.

Have you got any family you can send him away to for the summer? Somewhere far away. Or can you get him to find a job? I know 16
year olds who are working whilst at college.

@EmilyGilmoresSass I completely agree with you. My response was to another poster asking what a 35 year old would see in a 23 year old.

I do agree her age and the lineage of her children is unimportant.

However it's the combination of things that are a red flag. I don't know why this woman would be so comfortable leaving her DC with people she doesn't know. 2 months is nothing, absolutely nothing. And more* *importantly the DC don't know her. It's just not a decision most people would make and there is a reason for that.

Well there's another thing.

"I am not babysitting for someone I've never met. Its rude,not to meantion it opens me up to potential issues over parenting style if I do something she is uncomfortable with. It concerns me that she doesn't want to meet me or is too busy to. For me this is a potential safeguarding issue for those children which I don't want to get involved with. You should be thinking very carefully about a woman who leaves her child with someone she's never met. I would never have even considered that with you, if I was close to a close relation".

I get your point but it doesn't make much sense for the DS to ask if he thinks the GF will say yes.

No, I've never met his gf whenever I mention it he says she's busy.

Wow, so he hasn't even introduced her to you and he's expecting you to babysit her children?

As an aside, I would never leave my DS with someone I hadn't met before 😳

if he thinks the GF won't say yes**

YANBU. If it were my DS he'd be sheep shearing in NZ by Tuesday.

Of course he’s a child. Under 18 is a child. That’s the literal definition of a child. You’d think, with all your “brains”, you’d be a little bit more intelligent.

It’s clear from your posts that you’re invested somehow but it’s dangerous, immoral and unacceptable to the majority of people for an adult with two children to be fucking a child and offloading her children onto people they’ve never met so she can shag in peace. If you won’t accept that (you clearly won’t) then at least accept the fact that a 17yo is a child.

He could be manipulative towards her. Having said that, Prince Andrew and Harvey Weinstein might’ve been rape victims, right? Anything is possible, why don’t we deal with the option that’s far more likely? Normal, balanced, safe, secure, decent adults do not shag children, they don’t leave their preschoolers with someone they’ve never met in order to have sex with children and they don’t introduce their child boyfriend to their children after a week.

It’s not just the fact it’s two dads though but more the close age gap to choose a suitable father for your offspring. She must have a very liberal approach to contraception.

Also the ds says the fathers have nothing to do with the kids so not very good at choosing a decent guy or role model for her kids and maybe this should have made her more careful after the first child not to make the same mistake.

YANBU. She sounds irresponsible. Fwiw I had a baby a couple of months after turning 18 and would never have left my child with a stranger. I was a lone parent and just didn't really have a social life, it's just the way it is.

I'm surprised it wasn't at the DC own home, familiar surroundings and probably a better set up for a little one.

@Andypandy799

Yep she’s bad news. I had 2 kids by 23. 34 now and still married. I know young motherhood isn’t for everyone but this woman is too lax. She will definitely be pregnant soon.

I would tell him you can’t babysit because you don’t know the children and you don’t know their mum and you don’t feel comfortable doing it. That is 100% a reasonable reason, and he will know that’s true even if he doesn’t like or acknowledge it.

If it were my DS he'd be sheep shearing in NZ by Tuesday.

😂

OP, your update made my heart sink. Not at college because of mh issues? Oh dead. I'd actually be tempted have the kids to stay for a weekend so he can see what being a father actually entails ... Otherwise, you are going to be in the situation my two friends found themselves in as grandmothers way before their time, dealing with nearly all the childcare and fallout.

True, suppose it doesn't make much difference. Just even weirder that the op is being asked to babysit when she's never even met the girlfriend. Made me wonder if it was the ds pushing it.

Yep. I would put money on SS being involved at some point, if they aren't already.

The issue really isn't two dads. Its two dads plus red flag bunting on poor decision making elsewhere. With a 17 year old who has dropped out and currently has no life plans / goals.

I'm certainly not judgmental regarding single parents, and was a single parent myself in my twenties. But I wasn't dating a 17 year old who hadn't even completed education.

this is his first proper relationship

I imagine this is key. Is he smitten or just getting sex with an experienced woman and feeling like a man more than a boy for the first time in his life? I know he's your DS and you may not want to ponder on that too long!

You've tried to get to know her better but if she's always busy then I'd say she/they are avoiding that. I agree it's too much too soon with all sorts of potential problems. So, no, they don't get to use you as babysitter without building up a connection with you. That "you've nothing better to do anyway" response would annoy me no end. Where's his Dad? If he's not listening to you is there someone else who can mediate?

@girlfriend44 who cares if she's being judgemental? This is is a grown woman dating a school child.... a predator imo.

He is still a child and she an adult. Lots of red flags here. Yanbu of course. It's tough because if you raise the issues it could push him away which might work out well for her.

I'm not shaming anyone @girlfriend44

60 years ago my mother (unmarried) dated my stepfather for a year before introducing me to him. She said she had to be certain about him as a person and that the relationship was serious before she did.

OK, maybe the babysitting by OP is entirely her son's idea, but do you really think it's a good idea to introduce your children to a young man you've known for a couple of months and leave your 2 year old in his care?

The children's mother should not have introduced your son to her children yet, far too early. You are perfectly entitled to refuse babysitting request, you've not even met the mum. Your son may be consumed with this new relationship, and be keen to get 'alone' time with her. He needs to ensure he's not an upcoming baby daddy who will get used as a babysitter for 3. He won't listen to you, sadly, as he's enjoying himself.