To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

[mdfriend]

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

Posted too soon, but yes that’s why he doesn’t have much to offer an adult woman with 2 kids.

Well said 👏

Of course he doesn't want to work weekends and isn't sure what he wants to do, because he's a teenager. Not all teenagers know what they want to do, and most of us adults don't want to work weekends.

But for a child who's dropped out of college he seems to have a lot of freedom to come and go as he pleases, and is filling his days doing very little.

Can he find an evening class or princes trust short programme or some volunteering or a local charity that works with NEET young people? I understand at 17 wanting a part time job you like, but he's wasting his days away and surely he doesn't get to veto doing everything?

My thoughts exactly!

He needs to be forced to do something productive and be around other people. Frequently.

No doubt the sex has him in a fog and she can do no wrong. I wonder if they met online and if so, in what sort of chat room or website? Why on earth would a woman in her 20s want a boy? And that she's leaning on him for childcare within eight weeks, ugh. Really reflects poorly on her.

Yanbu not to get involved with her kids. No need for any of that. You barely know how or her kids anyway.

She’s being massively unreasonable by thinking she is girlfriend material for a 17 year old boy. Without kids is bad enough, but with kids is just beyond selfish of her.

They will just have to wait until her parents are available to go out on their evening out.

He has been looking at apprenticeships but I think he's going to stick with college in September.

I haven't forced him to see his dad, as I don't think forcing them will make them have a relationship, his dad isn't the best role model either as he's constantly in and out of prison etc.

I also don't want to push him too much to work etc as he attempted suicide last year, and he still is struggling with his MH, albeit not as much.

Doesn’t want to see his dad? Nope, he gets told to attempt to rebuild a relationship with his dad (with your help) because, apart from anything else, having the generation above him helping and supporting can be crucial when life gets tricky. He’s missing out on his dad’s life experience, his dad’s relatives, his dad’s affection, support and possibly an inheritance (however small) in the future. If the attempt doesn’t work, at least he’ll know he’s tried.

His dad may be an a-hole, @SpaceOpera - why should he be forced into contact with someone who didn't want anything to do with him until it suited them?

This has been picked up by the press - OP, you might want to consider getting it deleted.

Based on what exactly? 23 year old women who are sexual predators/groomers are extremely rare. As are 17 year old males so naive they could be coerced into having unwanted sexual relationships with them. The OP hasn't suggested her son is vulnerable, and what she has told us about him suggests he's very capable of asserting himself.
In the real world this is far more likely just a rather immature 23 year old woman, and a 17 year old lad who thinks it's his birthday.

OP does your son have any men he can talk to that can talk some sense into him? Uncles, neighbours, older friends, friend's dad?

Oh and the posts saying he needs to something are right.

Lots of kids drop out of college and uni courses but most do something even if it is working in a supermarket.

This with bells on. This relationship screams disaster and your son tangled up with this woman forever.

Does the son approve of his mother's relationships?

Mother is an adult.

Son is a child.

Child is dependant on the mother for shelter and food.

Once the son is an adult if he doesn't like the mothers relationships he can move out.

God, tell him to wear condoms. And say no to the children being in your house. The new girlfriend leaving her kids with him two months in is a fucking moron.

@Emotionalsupportviper The OP said that her son chose not to see his dad. In that post she did not give any info about his dad being in and out of prison. Obviously not a great role model, and perhaps the right decision was made.

But that decision should have been made by the OP, not the son. Children have to be guided, not given choices which they will need an adult perspective to make.

“…until it suited him.” The contrary question is better asked, keeping the child’s welfare in mind. Is there any reason why a parent, who has been out of the child’s life for some time, should not be able to re-establish a loving parental relationship? Adults rarely fulfil parental responsibilities perfectly. In the case of a divorce - although not in this case - the father may have been stopped by the mother from seeing the child. The situation might have become impossible. The father may have bankrupted himself going to court for contact. The father may have had MH issues, but successfully recovered over a period of years.

It is for the mother to consider the child’s welfare, make a decision in the child’s best interest, and support her child’s loving and healthy relationship with the other parent, for the reasons I mentioned.

Will the mother ever be happy for her son, or will she find fault with every girlfriend.

ah, the girlfriend herself has showed up on the thread!

When children get to the age of about 13, courts deem them old enough to make their own decisions on whether or not to see a parent.

I suspect you'll be getting a grandchild before you know it. Then you'll be babysitting grandchild and oh well you may as well look after the siblings too..

Unless your son comes to his senses, that is.

Wow, so much wrong with this. First, a 23 year old mother of two who wants to date a 17 year old. Then leaving them with said 17 year old after only two months of knowing him. Then the 17 year old not only expecting his mother to babysit, but actually being angry with her for refusing.

YAabsolutelyNBU OP. I would tell them to sling their hooks.

@Emotionalsupportviper but this kind of careful analysis by the mother, taking the whole arc of the child’s life into account, should be done long before a court gets involved.

If - after careful consideration- the mother reasons with a reluctant or angry child and presents the advantages of a healthy, loving relationship with the father, it’s very much in the child’s long-term benefit. By the same token, if there are good reasons why the child should not see the father, some calm, consistently rational explanation to the child will be needed.

There is no question of blackmailing, frogmarching or manipulating the child into a relationship.

Whatever the law might say, these pages are full of desperate pleas for help with teenagers who have thrown a strop and have refused a relationship with a father who wants to be a good parent, precisely because they didn’t get their way, and the courts don’t see the problem. Much to the long-term detriment of these children.

It’s tricky isn’t it 😫. I’d try sitting him down and explaining what you’d want for him if he were a 3yo and you were dating. Explain that many women don’t introduce partners to their dc until they’ve been together 6 months or a year because it’s not good for children to form attachments then have that person disappear on them. say you have sympathy that it’s hard for her without childcare so you’ve met them but still I don’t think I should. Then sternly add and if they were your own children then you’d still have to ASK me to look after them and understand if I said no- I’ve already brought you up and I’m a person not a servant. you aren’t doing anything Tuesday so can you vacuum the house do two loads of washing, tidy out the laundry cupboard and mow the lawn? That’s fair isn’t it since you didn’t have plans? See how you don’t like that in reverse?? I deserve a bit better than this from you.

Is that all you can think of.
OK I'll try another one.
Would the mum have liked her mum interfering in her relationships when she was younger?

Doesn’t want to see his dad? Nope, he gets told to attempt to rebuild a relationship with his dad (with your help) because, apart from anything else, having the generation above him helping and supporting can be crucial when life gets tricky. He’s missing out on his dad’s life experience, his dad’s relatives, his dad’s affection, support and possibly an inheritance (however small) in the future. If the attempt doesn’t work, at least he’ll know he’s tried.

WTF is wrong with you @SpaceOpera - that you think it's ok to force contact on a child who hasn't wanted anything to do with his father since toddlerhood?

For all you know the father is a wrong'un.
Children are hardwired to want relationships with their parents, to want their approval. When a young child says 'no' to that, how does it not occur to you that there might be a hell of a lot more going on that you haven't considered?