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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

441 replies

mdfriend · 24/02/2023 14:24

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

OP posts:
semideponent · 24/02/2023 17:53

No not remotely. YANBU. How will DS ever grow up if you his mother facilitate his dates?

SnackSizeRaisin · 24/02/2023 17:56

Letterfor · 24/02/2023 14:49

Obviously 23 and 17 is inappropriate, but similarly, what does a 35yo see in a 23yo? 😬

Show quote history

I think we can guess.... (Assuming the man is the older one)

SpaceOpera · 24/02/2023 18:02

Cocobutt · 24/02/2023 17:28

what happened with your relationship with the 24 year old (presumably man, I’m presuming you’re female).

Did your folks try and pull you away and did you react to that?

Interested because no one else has mentioned this age gap as a teenager.

No, no one mentioned that there was anything odd about me being with a 24 year old man.

I was 18, a single parent, working and living alone.
It would have been very odd that my parents had a say in my relationships.

This is the difference and the reason I can’t agree with your advice. Kudos to you for working, living and parenting independently at 18.

This boy is far far from that state of independence. Doesn’t work, study, or attempt to invest in himself for the future while his peers are pulling ahead of him. Has taken up with a woman with very poor judgment.

Instead of feeling sad that he may be a teen father, or hopeful that this woman won’t mess him around too much, the OP should be insisting that he pays his way and invests in himself and his future. The character of the woman who bears his children is paramount. I hope reality brings him to his senses very soon.

Thank you for sharing your circumstances.

rebecca100 · 24/02/2023 18:05

@SnackSizeRaisin I'm 35 with a 24 year old, so the man isn't always the older one.

Thesharkradar · 24/02/2023 18:13

I'd be concerned and not wanting to facilitate the relationship, but I'd also be treading very carefully & being as tactful as I could.
I was a mother in my early 20's I didn't trust anyone alone with my children until they were school age, the idea of leaving a 2 y/o with someone she hardly knows, just no way would I do that, no way would I have been interested in a 'school boy' at that age either😕
Suspect she wants someone naïve & easy to manipulate

I8toys · 24/02/2023 18:14

YANBU. As the mother of a 17year old this would be my nightmare. I'd be more concerned that he is drifting a bit at the moment and would be concerned that he starts college again and gets back on track regarding his education. He has his future to think about not being step daddy to her children. Red flags that no family or fathers are involved also.

Delphinium20 · 24/02/2023 18:15

IDontWantToBeAPie · 24/02/2023 17:51

@MaryJean87 I don't think she's a slipper I think she's a sexual predator and a groomer.

Really? He's 17, not 12. He's considered a very new adult, but an adult still the same. And women are so rarely sexual predators, that I think that's an overreach. Is he in over his head? Probably. But I think most of us will understand that a 17 yr male is not as sexually or physically vulnerable w/ a young woman than the reverse.

Could she manipulate and control him? Yes. But so could a 30 yr old w/ a 25 yr old. He's not a child, he's a very young adult/old teen. I think it's a much grayer area than you suggest.

SnackSizeRaisin · 24/02/2023 18:16

MaryJean87 · 24/02/2023 17:27

What a judgemental response. Youngish mum so she must be some sort of reckless slapper, eh? Misogyny.

Show quote history

Having sex with lots of different men is one thing. Having 2 children with different fathers by age 20 and then dating a child and then leaving the children with someone you don't know is a different thing altogether. Nothing misogynistic about criticising those choices. It seems likely that the girlfriend has had poor parenting herself. These things tend to repeat down generations. Not a good situation for a 17 year old to get involved with. Obviously the fathers of the two children are even worse than the mother!

Iyjd · 24/02/2023 18:17

Delphinium20 · 24/02/2023 18:15

Really? He's 17, not 12. He's considered a very new adult, but an adult still the same. And women are so rarely sexual predators, that I think that's an overreach. Is he in over his head? Probably. But I think most of us will understand that a 17 yr male is not as sexually or physically vulnerable w/ a young woman than the reverse.

Could she manipulate and control him? Yes. But so could a 30 yr old w/ a 25 yr old. He's not a child, he's a very young adult/old teen. I think it's a much grayer area than you suggest.

Show quote history

Adults are 18.

Delphinium20 · 24/02/2023 18:18

I thought in the UK it was 17

GoodChat · 24/02/2023 18:22

Delphinium20 · 24/02/2023 18:18

I thought in the UK it was 17

Nope, you can drink and vote at 18 (and I think it's 18 to marry as well now isn't it?)

Calphurnia88 · 24/02/2023 18:23

MaryJean87 · 24/02/2023 17:27

What a judgemental response. Youngish mum so she must be some sort of reckless slapper, eh? Misogyny.

Show quote history

She has had 2 children by 2 different fathers by the age of 23, and in fairly quick succession.

We don't know whether or not they were planned, but it's not unreasonable to question her approach to contraception (whether she uses it, whether she uses it reliably).

Unless her son wants to risk becoming a father at 17 then its sensible for him to protect himself. As should anyone who has sex but doesn't want to become a parent.

Original poster
mdfriend · 24/02/2023 18:35

He is looking for a job, although he's unsure of what job he wants and most I show him, he refuses as some have the potential for him to be working weekends which he doesn't want to do.

I'm not sure if it was his idea to ask me. I don't know how they met, he won't tell me.

He doesn't see his dad, hasn't since he was a toddler. His dad wanted contact a few years ago but DS refused it.

OP posts:
Blueblell · 24/02/2023 18:37

My son is about to turn 17 and I would not be happy about this situation at all. I would advise though as someone else said, that you are busy rather than just saying no.

Pudmyboy · 24/02/2023 18:42

here we go with the age gap crap again. Perhaps they just liked each other and got on.
Legally 17 is still a child, so this woman with 2 children is dating a child. 🚩🚩🚩

DomPom47 · 24/02/2023 18:42

Definite nope.
At 17 he is far too young to be in such a responsible relationship with someone who has young children.
He should be enjoying college/job and having a more care free relationships with someone whose in a similar stage in life to him.
I would watch for other red flags like him not spending time with his friends….

Thesharkradar · 24/02/2023 18:44

he's unsure of what job he wants and most I show him, he refuses as some have the potential for him to be working weekends which he doesn't want to do
That's pretty normal for a 17 year old lad, he's not ready for the responsibility of any kind of a step parenting role though ...surely?!
I think if you let them they'll both be wanting to act like teenagers and you'll be maneuvered into being mother to her children, this baby sitting request is her testing the water to see how you react.
I think I'd aim to be as nice as pie but at they same time stay one step ahead and dont let that happen.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/02/2023 18:49

mdfriend · 24/02/2023 18:35

He is looking for a job, although he's unsure of what job he wants and most I show him, he refuses as some have the potential for him to be working weekends which he doesn't want to do.

I'm not sure if it was his idea to ask me. I don't know how they met, he won't tell me.

He doesn't see his dad, hasn't since he was a toddler. His dad wanted contact a few years ago but DS refused it.

He won't tell you how they met???

He seems to have a great deal of autonomy for a boy who doesn't support himself, work or attend school. I think you need to tighten the reins. He needs to volunteer, study or something productive every day.

piedbeauty · 24/02/2023 18:50

Don't be ridiculous, she is 23yr old mother of two with no family involvement from her side at all and thinks nothing of leaving her young children with a 17yr old after knowing him for 2 months and also seemingly finds it OK to have his mother babysit.

This woman has issues with boundaries and a lack of safeguarding concerns for her own children, no one would think this is a great person to start or encourage a relationship with.

Quite agree, @TomatoSandwiches

GoodChat · 24/02/2023 18:51

mdfriend · 24/02/2023 18:35

He is looking for a job, although he's unsure of what job he wants and most I show him, he refuses as some have the potential for him to be working weekends which he doesn't want to do.

I'm not sure if it was his idea to ask me. I don't know how they met, he won't tell me.

He doesn't see his dad, hasn't since he was a toddler. His dad wanted contact a few years ago but DS refused it.

OP what course was he looking to start this year? Could he get an apprenticeship in something similar? Having a new girlfriend to treat might actually be the incentive he needs to get earning and, then, meeting new people at work might be his incentive to grow up and reconsider his position.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 24/02/2023 19:08

Delphinium20 · 24/02/2023 18:18

I thought in the UK it was 17

Nope 18 is a legal adult

TimeforacuppaT · 24/02/2023 19:08

Your son doesn’t exactly sound like a great catch. Doesn’t do much, doesn’t want to work weekends? That’s called LIFE.

Coffeellama · 24/02/2023 19:09

TimeforacuppaT · 24/02/2023 19:08

Your son doesn’t exactly sound like a great catch. Doesn’t do much, doesn’t want to work weekends? That’s called LIFE.

He’s 17, he’s being a normal teenager, but yes that’s why he didn’t h

SpaceOpera · 24/02/2023 19:09

mdfriend · 24/02/2023 18:35

He is looking for a job, although he's unsure of what job he wants and most I show him, he refuses as some have the potential for him to be working weekends which he doesn't want to do.

I'm not sure if it was his idea to ask me. I don't know how they met, he won't tell me.

He doesn't see his dad, hasn't since he was a toddler. His dad wanted contact a few years ago but DS refused it.

OP. If you were my friend or family member I would be asking you to start owning your role as his mother, sharpish. The sympathy would flow like concrete.

Your son appears to be living like a little prince, with no thought of consequences. Doesn’t work to work weekends? Nope, he doesn’t get to choose that - he needs to pay you board and lodging.

Doesn’t want to see his dad? Nope, he gets told to attempt to rebuild a relationship with his dad (with your help) because, apart from anything else, having the generation above him helping and supporting can be crucial when life gets tricky. He’s missing out on his dad’s life experience, his dad’s relatives, his dad’s affection, support and possibly an inheritance (however small) in the future. If the attempt doesn’t work, at least he’ll know he’s tried.

Doesn’t want to consider his relationship choices carefully? Nope - unless he’s able to change nappies, administer Calpol at the right dose and the right timings, read stories, calm a crying child, babysit, and pay for his bed, board and entertainment. He should also be putting money aside in case he becomes a father.

Little prince syndrome. OP - take a long hard look at your own parenting. As should the gf.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 24/02/2023 19:09

Hmm. Even if not the girlfriend, she made a post saying that she supposedly works with vulnerable people and couldn’t understand why it was a safeguarding issue when two of them wandered off from the group unnoticed and got into a stranger’s car. So, not the best at exercising good judgement or considering the safety and security of others.

@BumpySkull that was the same person?