To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

[mdfriend]

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

and was he legally an adult when you got together or still in education/training and dependent on his Mom for food and lodgings?

You're both adults though.

@girlfriend44 you totally ARE the girlfriend!

brains would tell you that leaving your children with a male you’ve only known 2 minutes could be dangerous
brains would tell you that leaving your children with a complete stranger is not only unfair to them, it could be dangerous
brains would tell you that having sex without protection can result in pregnancy, as as the one who gets pregnant, you protect yourself
brains tell you to insist on condoms as you don’t know what you might catch

Let’s hope number 3 isn’t already on the way.

OP - I know you mentioned MH but isn’t it the law for anyone under 18 to either be working full-time or in full-time education? He needs something to do, not her!

@horseyhorsey17 I know, I was just saying that in response to some questioning what a 35 year old sees in a 23 year old. Not disagreeing with OP's thread at all as it is concerning.

I definitely don’t think you’re being unreasonable — he has only been in a relationship with this woman for 2 months, she is not your DIL and it’s not your responsibility to care for her children. Why couldn’t she have asked her own mother?
For what it’s worth, I’m 24, and there is no way I would ever consider entering a relationship with a 17 year old boy. He’s still legally a child. Keep an eye on this relationship and maybe discuss your concerns with him in a non-judgemental manner, else you run the risk of pushing him away. This must be a difficult situation for you to manage, I hope you have support.

I don’t blame you at all. To be honest the fact this woman thinks it’s appropriate to even ask says an awful lot about her judgment, her as a person.. and a parent. Your son is bound to show poor judgment, he’s a teenager, it’s to be expected. Of course for him it all seems wonderful and exciting but so it would to most 17 year old boys who are suddenly getting regular sex with a woman who has her own home.. I expect it’ll wear thin soon enough when the realities set in but until then, all you can do really is wait, and try to keep him close.

I grew close to a lad who was 18(?) and my friend’s brother when I was 20.

We became friends but nothing more as he was a SIXTH former and I was at uni. I thought that would be social suicide and just ‘wrong’.

Is there no one at you could be pulling a favour to give your son a full time job somewhere away from your home town?

If your son wants to be treated as an adult and not have to ask permission to bring a child to your house you should be reminding him that he should be paying board.

Regardless of the ages of the 'respective parties' I wouldn't be babysitting any child until the parent and the children had been introduced and 'integrated' into our family. I don't mean that I would have to consider them 'family', just that they've been around us/in our home long enough and often enough for us to feel comfortable with them, and them with us.

But if I wished to discourage the relationship, it'd be a flat and continual 'no'.

What a judgemental response. Youngish mum so she must be some sort of reckless slapper, eh? Misogyny.

what happened with your relationship with the 24 year old (presumably man, I’m presuming you’re female).

Did your folks try and pull you away and did you react to that?

Interested because no one else has mentioned this age gap as a teenager.

No, no one mentioned that there was anything odd about me being with a 24 year old man.

I was 18, a single parent, working and living alone.
It would have been very odd that my parents had a say in my relationships.

Well, she has a track record. She's only 23 and already has two toddlers to two different men who aren't on the scene, only works two days a week, and now is dating a teenage boy and willing to leave her kids with him and/or a complete stranger. None of that is normal or admirable.

@MaryJean87 you said slapped, no one else did. Lax yes, unplanned pregnancy is lax. Especially twice. But I don’t think ANYONE is a slapper, the word is horrible and people can have as many sexual partners as they want…

Yes very good advice OP.
Those poor children have probably met a lot of men already.

I feel gross reading this. What is she attracted to in a 17 year old boy?!

completely agree! It’s weird she’s interested in a 17 year old boy.

Giving the girlfriend the benefit of the doubt, from the OP's explanations I'd say there's a good chance she's quite vulnerable too, and has clung to someone who's nice to her and will be around a lot rather than specifically choosing someone young.

I’d usually agree but in this case the woman is at best demonstrating extremely poor judgement. At worst she’s a neglectful mother giving any Tom, Dick or random boyfriend’s mother unfettered access to her small dc with an unhealthy interest in teenage boys. I’d be worried sick about my ds being tied to someone like this, not to mention her potentially being the primary caregiver for my dgc when she isn’t safeguarding her two existing dc.

I’d usually agree but in this case the woman is at best demonstrating very poor judgement, at worst she’s a neglectful mother with an unhealthy interest in teenage boys. I’d be worried sick about my ds being tied to someone like this, not to mention her potentially being the primary caregiver for my dgc when she isn’t safeguarding her two existing dc.

Anyone is susceptible to abuse or manipulation. its not the age its the person.

That still go if he was 15? Or 9? Absolutely disgusting.

This is tough...I'm less of a mind to be upset w/ the gf than upset w/ your DS. Did he just offer up his mother for free babysitting? Is he going to pay you for watching his gf children as part of paying for their date out? If he set up the date w/ gf, is he mature enough to have considered paying for a sitter?

At the same time, it makes me wonder who is watching these children and would you be a good role model for them if the gf and your DS continue on a long-term relationship? Kids can grow up feeling resented and it makes me generally sad that these children are in the spot they are.

I would push back on your son and say, "Well, are you paying me to babysit?" Push him to take on responsibilities of a step dad and maybe he'll start seeing this relationship w/ less than rosy glasses.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. How mature is your son? My grandson is 18 and he and his friends don't seem very mature to me. A 23 year old woman, with a couple of children by two different fathers and whose own extended family aren't on the scene seems to me to be far more than most 17 year old boys/youths can handle.
If she has already introduced her children to him and has already asked him to babysit the eldest and is happy for you to babysit, it looks like she must be very needy herself. I would not be prepared to babysit children I didn't know well for all sorts of reasons.

However...if this is your DS's first serious relationship you are going to have to tread carefully. When is he 18? Everything changes on that date when he is legally an adult regardless of whether he is ready for adult responsibilities or not.
I would guess you definitely don't want him moving out to live with her, though for sure that level of reality might end the relationship pdg. I would just be friendly when you see her but encourage your DS to keep up with seeing his friends and getting to interests, sports ext with them. If he finds himself staying in with her and the kids instead of hanging out at football/gym/pub the long term implications will dawn on him. We can see from plenty of threads on mumsnet that plenty of grown men who are fathers struggle with the realities of parenthood. IF you keep most of your anxieties to yourself the relationship will probably fizzle out.

Presumably a readymade baby sitter!?

TANBU

You don't know the children.

The children don't know you.

Your son is (legally) child.

His g/f is an adult.

It doesn't matter if you "have nothing else on" that day. You aren't his servant, and you don't hae to do what he wants.

Let her pay for her own babysitter, like other women have to.

You’re the only one who’s called her a slapper here, why would she not be having sex with her boyfriend?

She may not be a ‘slapped’ but she’s wanting to leave her kids with a woman she’s never met so she can go on a date with her boyfriend who can’t even legally drink yet, not a 1st class parenting choice.

@MaryJean87 I don't think she's a slipper I think she's a sexual predator and a groomer.