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Original poster

to expect him to have been fed?

272 replies

Workyticket · 23/02/2023 21:37

DS is 11, he sorts his mates coming round etc these days and I only really get in touch with their Mums if the kids want to go somewhere new (they play out a little but only at agreed places)

He was at his mate's house today from 10 am until about 3pm and came home ravenous

We had the same mate at ours for a sleepover last weekend (11 am to about tea time the next day so he had breakfast, dinners and teas here)

He often comes after school and I make him tea before he goes home. He's had takeaways here etc. I'm definitely a feeder and make meals I know ds' pals like.

DS was cagey about whether his mate had lunch while he was there but he wasn't offered anything. His dad was home.

Absolutely no money issues - similar jobs to us, we've been at extravagant parties they've thrown etc

DS had his bank card and I've reminded him he could have nipped to the shop by his mate's house or to the chippy but tbh I did think they'd maybe offer him some lunch!

OP posts:
echt · 24/02/2023 01:20

I had this happen when DC playing over all day at one friend's house.

They were offered an apple, divided in two to share with the other child.

Shock
Strawberrydelight78 · 24/02/2023 01:39

I would have expected him to be fed. It's rude to have meals when you have guests and not offer them anything. But some men just don't think. I'm surprised your ds friend not said anything to his dad.

Strawberrydelight78 · 24/02/2023 01:50

Well it's up to that child's parents to tell them to be home by a certain time for they're tea. But with the cost of living ATM a lot of children won't be going home to a hot meal.

Mamanyt · 24/02/2023 02:00

Personally, I would never have invited a friend of either of my sons over during a mealtime were I not perfectly willing and able to offer that child a meal! I find this very odd, indeed.

Strawberrydelight78 · 24/02/2023 02:03

Could see my ex doing something like this. He was actually quite intelligent. He was a tradesman mainly joinery but could do all kinds of other work. Just had no common sense. But he moaned if he was working at someone's house and they never offered him a brew.🤣🤣🤣

brightare · 24/02/2023 02:10

If you want to feed kids that's fine. But at that age it's not a play date and parents aren't obliged to at all. Give your kid a fiver so they can walk to the shop together instead.

Liorae · 24/02/2023 02:34

billy1966 · 23/02/2023 23:31

Kindly meant....

Forgetting to feed your own children is women excusing lazy selfish shit fathers and husbands.

I went out for the day with an old friend about 12 years ago. We were doing the Christmas sales.
We were gone for 6 hours, a rare occurrence for her.

She arrived home to three starving children very upset because her husband had spent the day in his office and had ignored them.

She said the row they had was one he will NEVER forget and was nearly marriage ending with its seriousness.

He didn't forget, he just didn't give a damn about anyone but himself and presumed his 3 children 6-10 would figure it out.

My friend was absolutely beside herself with anger and it took her a long time to get over it.

He was on borrowed time for a long long time afterwards and he knew it.

Stop excusing your selfish lazy husband who can't be arsed to look after his own children.

Only complete LOSERs "forget"🙄 to feed their children in their care.

They don't forget, they simply can't be arsed.

You and your children deserve better.

Show quote history

I would expect a 10 year old to be able to put together lunch for themselves and younger siblings.

Nottelling15 · 24/02/2023 02:47

billy1966 · 23/02/2023 23:31

Kindly meant....

Forgetting to feed your own children is women excusing lazy selfish shit fathers and husbands.

I went out for the day with an old friend about 12 years ago. We were doing the Christmas sales.
We were gone for 6 hours, a rare occurrence for her.

She arrived home to three starving children very upset because her husband had spent the day in his office and had ignored them.

She said the row they had was one he will NEVER forget and was nearly marriage ending with its seriousness.

He didn't forget, he just didn't give a damn about anyone but himself and presumed his 3 children 6-10 would figure it out.

My friend was absolutely beside herself with anger and it took her a long time to get over it.

He was on borrowed time for a long long time afterwards and he knew it.

Stop excusing your selfish lazy husband who can't be arsed to look after his own children.

Only complete LOSERs "forget"🙄 to feed their children in their care.

They don't forget, they simply can't be arsed.

You and your children deserve better.

Show quote history

Sounds to me as if your friends husband missed out on a lucky escape by her nearly ending a marriage it.
Talk about highly strung

If a child can walk and talk then they are more than capable of telling a parent they are hungry
When my kids were younger I would make them food when they asked for it not because I had forgotten but because I don't tend to eat dinner myself at the weekend so don't tend to think about it

Pallisers · 24/02/2023 02:48

I would expect a 10 year old to be able to put together lunch for themselves and younger siblings.

Presumably you would also expect the father of a 10 year old to do the same. And if the 10 year old didn't do it well ... that's being 10. If the father didn't do it (and he didn't) well that is something else entirely.

Pallisers · 24/02/2023 02:49

Nottelling15 · 24/02/2023 02:47

Sounds to me as if your friends husband missed out on a lucky escape by her nearly ending a marriage it.
Talk about highly strung

If a child can walk and talk then they are more than capable of telling a parent they are hungry
When my kids were younger I would make them food when they asked for it not because I had forgotten but because I don't tend to eat dinner myself at the weekend so don't tend to think about it

Show quote history

jesus your bar is very low.

Pallisers · 24/02/2023 02:51

And an adult who doesn't eat dinner themselves so doesn't think to feed their children unless they ask for food - self centered to the power of ten.

Shesasuperfreak · 24/02/2023 02:59

Next time he goes, send him with a passive aggressive packed lunch.

Liorae · 24/02/2023 03:03

Shesasuperfreak · 24/02/2023 02:59

Next time he goes, send him with a passive aggressive packed lunch.

Do you mean the next time he goes without being invited by an adult? I don't think his 11 year old friend will pick up on your passive aggressiveness.

Nottelling15 · 24/02/2023 03:13

Pallisers · 24/02/2023 02:51

And an adult who doesn't eat dinner themselves so doesn't think to feed their children unless they ask for food - self centered to the power of ten.

I think my comment has been taken out of context
They were given breakfast and offered snacks (fruit or similar) midmorning
But an actual lunch ( sandwich or pasta type of thing) wasn't given until they asked (well unless it had got to 2pm)
So don't cast assertions on my parenting

Nottelling15 · 24/02/2023 03:15

Pallisers · 24/02/2023 02:51

And an adult who doesn't eat dinner themselves so doesn't think to feed their children unless they ask for food - self centered to the power of ten.

I think my comment has been taken out of context
They were given breakfast and offered snacks (fruit or similar) midmorning
But an actual lunch ( sandwich or pasta type of thing) wasn't given until they asked (well unless it had got to 2pm)
So don't cast assertions on my parenting

kateandme · 24/02/2023 05:56

so are you saying really his mate got himself some food and didnt offer his mate some? and dad new nothing about this? the cageyness is because of this?
becasue at 11 they can do it themselves. my parents wouldnt actively think they needed to help with lunch unless it was a more formal gathering and or they actively hadnt seen it come down through meal times. so would assume and probably seen us walk in and out to get a sandwhich or asked etc.
tbf as soon as we arirved wed prbably be talling of what mum could get us for lunch!
so if this is more informal.kids going in and out of eacother house and not organised "playdate" id think the dad might assume they could get their own and happy to let that happen.
you say yours can get what they want when they want. if thats the same in his friends house the dad would then rightly assume theyd get lunch when hungry.
and honestly id expect and 11 year old to say "hey geoff when dinner."

kateandme · 24/02/2023 05:57

kateandme · 24/02/2023 05:56

so are you saying really his mate got himself some food and didnt offer his mate some? and dad new nothing about this? the cageyness is because of this?
becasue at 11 they can do it themselves. my parents wouldnt actively think they needed to help with lunch unless it was a more formal gathering and or they actively hadnt seen it come down through meal times. so would assume and probably seen us walk in and out to get a sandwhich or asked etc.
tbf as soon as we arirved wed prbably be talling of what mum could get us for lunch!
so if this is more informal.kids going in and out of eacother house and not organised "playdate" id think the dad might assume they could get their own and happy to let that happen.
you say yours can get what they want when they want. if thats the same in his friends house the dad would then rightly assume theyd get lunch when hungry.
and honestly id expect and 11 year old to say "hey geoff when dinner."

no no.these are 11 year old boys.within two minutes of arriving id expect to have no fridge left.

Doingmybest12 · 24/02/2023 07:20

I would ve expected him to have had some food but not surprised about this. Was he offered and said no as felt awkward, was he offered something he doesn't like, did he tell friend he was hungry or not, why didn't he come home if hungry. You don't have to feed as much and could send the child home for lunch next time.

Banchory · 24/02/2023 07:27

Just get him to take a rucksack with crisps and fruit in future.
It’s pretty poor though.
I don’t think a dc ever went un fed in our house whenever they stayed over a mealtime.

wingingit1987 · 24/02/2023 07:36

billy1966 · 23/02/2023 23:31

Kindly meant....

Forgetting to feed your own children is women excusing lazy selfish shit fathers and husbands.

I went out for the day with an old friend about 12 years ago. We were doing the Christmas sales.
We were gone for 6 hours, a rare occurrence for her.

She arrived home to three starving children very upset because her husband had spent the day in his office and had ignored them.

She said the row they had was one he will NEVER forget and was nearly marriage ending with its seriousness.

He didn't forget, he just didn't give a damn about anyone but himself and presumed his 3 children 6-10 would figure it out.

My friend was absolutely beside herself with anger and it took her a long time to get over it.

He was on borrowed time for a long long time afterwards and he knew it.

Stop excusing your selfish lazy husband who can't be arsed to look after his own children.

Only complete LOSERs "forget"🙄 to feed their children in their care.

They don't forget, they simply can't be arsed.

You and your children deserve better.

Show quote history

I completely agree with this. It’s just lazy and a sign of a father who should never have had children.

Doingmybest12 · 24/02/2023 07:47

He is 11 years old, not tiny. Not a biggie, he should ve come home if hungry. Perhaps he outstayed his welcome and they were hoping he'd go home.

devildeepbluesea · 24/02/2023 07:50

Astounded that anyone could think this is ok. YADNBU OP.

gogohmm · 24/02/2023 07:55

Could it be that at their house the kids feed themselves lunch and the friend didn't eat whilst your ds was there. By the time dd2 was 11 I was working so she would have her friend over and dd would make them lunch (she's a great cook, could cook a full meal from 10 as could her friend, similarly liberal parenting style) I can imagine lads not bothered or being too busy playing games. Mine would make themselves a sandwich from about 10 when home unless i specifically said I was making something cooked for lunch

Doingmybest12 · 24/02/2023 07:56

It just doesn't surprise me that's all. The 11 year olds made their own arrangements. The friend could've got a sandwich or what ever for the OP son . I wouldn't be outraged about this. He could've come home or asked. Yes lovely when things are reciprocal but often they are not.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/02/2023 08:49

I’m a feeder also. Always feed dd’s friends when they’re around unless they’re expected home etc. At 11, her friends spent 90% of the time at my house and I was regularly feeding 3/4 extra friends. Dd is 14 now and she simply wouldn’t bother to eat until ravenous if I didn’t feed her… and that’s not good as she has a medical condition. I get her to cook once a week to try to get her into good habits.

Dd used to have a friend with a family perhaps a little similar to the family you’re describing. She practically lived here for a while and it became too intense. The odd time dd went there she’d be offered a couple of slices of pizza at best so dd used to go to the nearby shop for a meal deal. The odd times the family had takeaways and dd was there, they’d sit and eat them in front of her and dd would come home ravenous. They’re no longer friends. I in the end felt very used by them, especially when the girl, backed up by her mother, became increasingly controlling and repeatedly horrible to dd to the point of bullying when I supported dd to become her own person. They were 11/12.

I understand your annoyance. If the friendship works well, I would let it slide. Have your boundaries though. It’s unlikely they’ll still be at your house so much in a couple of years time.