Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect him to have been fed?

272 replies

Workyticket · 23/02/2023 21:37

DS is 11, he sorts his mates coming round etc these days and I only really get in touch with their Mums if the kids want to go somewhere new (they play out a little but only at agreed places)

He was at his mate's house today from 10 am until about 3pm and came home ravenous

We had the same mate at ours for a sleepover last weekend (11 am to about tea time the next day so he had breakfast, dinners and teas here)

He often comes after school and I make him tea before he goes home. He's had takeaways here etc. I'm definitely a feeder and make meals I know ds' pals like.

DS was cagey about whether his mate had lunch while he was there but he wasn't offered anything. His dad was home.

Absolutely no money issues - similar jobs to us, we've been at extravagant parties they've thrown etc

DS had his bank card and I've reminded him he could have nipped to the shop by his mate's house or to the chippy but tbh I did think they'd maybe offer him some lunch!

OP posts:
Original poster
Workyticket · 23/02/2023 22:52

Shinyandnew1 · 23/02/2023 22:49

If he wasn’t invited by the parents and it had got to lunchtime and not offered food, I think I would take that as a hint to go home!

I would too but tbh I think he was a bit shocked. He sees me (or dh) offering food to whoever is here and obviously thinks it's normal

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 23/02/2023 22:56

I don't get the cagey answer as to whether his friend ate or not? Id be telling him he tells you the truth and to stop being so ridiculous otherwise you'll be ringing the dad to check they were actually in the house today and not up to no good!

Your son could've just left his phone at his pals and gone out and about for the day!

AlmostaMamma · 23/02/2023 22:59

Workyticket · 23/02/2023 21:43

I'm really not sure - I did ask ds but didn't get an answer. He's all about boy code and would never say a thing to get anyone in trouble

His mate's little sister was there too!

Show quote history

I don’t understand what this means. It’s a straightforward question with a yes or no answer. What was his response?

Original poster
Workyticket · 23/02/2023 23:04

I asked if he'd eaten, he said no so we made an omelet

I thought it was a bit odd so asked if Freddie had eaten- he said he wasn't sure and looked a bit cagey

That could mean he didn't know, it coukd also mean "Freddie went down for lunch, I wasn't offered any and don't want to tell you that"

I'm only stewing over it a bit now!

OP posts:
Ivesaidenough · 23/02/2023 23:04

My DP forgets to feed our own children let alone someone else's. Perhaps friend's dad is similarly useless?

Passthechocolatesplease · 23/02/2023 23:04

I regularly fed four of my sons friends, virtually every weekend, never once did another Mum offer or even send over snacks and drinks.
I think it’s just pure ignorant bad manners … so nothing surprises me really.

billy1966 · 23/02/2023 23:18

OP,

95%/5% and they didn't feed him?

I know by MN standards children are supposed to be 100% self sufficient at that age, but not here.

I would have ensured the child was fed and if he was excluded and so would any decent parent.

Sending him upstairs while they were fed?
Awful.

The father was in charge?

Could he just not be arsed?

I would be rethinking how much time he spent there.

They clearly aren't concerned about a child in their care to behave like that.

AlmostaMamma · 23/02/2023 23:21

Ivesaidenough · 23/02/2023 23:04

My DP forgets to feed our own children let alone someone else's. Perhaps friend's dad is similarly useless?

My DP forgets to feed our own children

Is something wrong with him?

AlmostaMamma · 23/02/2023 23:22

Workyticket · 23/02/2023 23:04

I asked if he'd eaten, he said no so we made an omelet

I thought it was a bit odd so asked if Freddie had eaten- he said he wasn't sure and looked a bit cagey

That could mean he didn't know, it coukd also mean "Freddie went down for lunch, I wasn't offered any and don't want to tell you that"

I'm only stewing over it a bit now!

This feels like something you could clarify very easily.

Housefullofcatsandkids · 23/02/2023 23:27

Bit strange yeah. If the dad made lunch then surely he would have made some for your son. Maybe the kid usually sorts himself out with lunch on non school days and had a late breakfast so wasn't hungry?
I can remember having a sleepover at a friend's house when I was about 8 and not being offered a drink the whole time I was there. My friend probably helped herself, I don't remember seeing her drink but I was too polite to ask so just waited til I got home and drank an entire pint of milk lol 😂

billy1966 · 23/02/2023 23:31

Ivesaidenough · 23/02/2023 23:04

My DP forgets to feed our own children let alone someone else's. Perhaps friend's dad is similarly useless?

Kindly meant....

Forgetting to feed your own children is women excusing lazy selfish shit fathers and husbands.

I went out for the day with an old friend about 12 years ago. We were doing the Christmas sales.
We were gone for 6 hours, a rare occurrence for her.

She arrived home to three starving children very upset because her husband had spent the day in his office and had ignored them.

She said the row they had was one he will NEVER forget and was nearly marriage ending with its seriousness.

He didn't forget, he just didn't give a damn about anyone but himself and presumed his 3 children 6-10 would figure it out.

My friend was absolutely beside herself with anger and it took her a long time to get over it.

He was on borrowed time for a long long time afterwards and he knew it.

Stop excusing your selfish lazy husband who can't be arsed to look after his own children.

Only complete LOSERs "forget"🙄 to feed their children in their care.

They don't forget, they simply can't be arsed.

You and your children deserve better.

StrawberryAnnie · 23/02/2023 23:33

Families have different dynamics and routines with mealtimes.

You sound as though you enjoy and take pride in catering for your son’s friends. Some parents will expect their older children to sort themselves out with snacks and lunch during weekends and school holidays.

It’s only one skipped lunch, which was then eaten later in the day when he got home.

It’s not as though your son had been there for a full day and not had anything. Not worth stewing over imho.

5foot5 · 23/02/2023 23:35

Workyticket · 23/02/2023 22:52

I would too but tbh I think he was a bit shocked. He sees me (or dh) offering food to whoever is here and obviously thinks it's normal

Show quote history

Well there you go. Not everyone sees it like that.

Don't get me wrong, when DD was young we often invited her friends over for meals or sleepovers. But there was always an invitation and the other parents knew we were expecting to feed them. I would have been slightly taken aback if a child had turned up to play and then just hung about at meal times expecting to be included. Not because I am mean but because I would assume that their parents were expecting them back for meals and would be put out if they had prepared a meal and then their DC turned up home saying they had already eaten.

toodlesofoodles · 23/02/2023 23:39

I always feed kids friends when they're here (after school I give them tea, sleepovers or all day visits) anything else is just ridiculous! There's no way mine wouldn't be fed at someone's house either.

If we were skint and I couldn't afford to feed kids friends I'd either invite them over after lunch and drop them off before tea or suggest they go to the park for a bit so they have to go to their respective homes for food. Or worst case, go without myself. Never in my life would I not give a child food if the others were eating!

ringofrosies · 23/02/2023 23:41

If he was specifically asked over to their house I do find it strange they didn’t offer him lunch or even a snack. Even if he hadn’t been invited over I would still personally have offered him something.

Floralnomad · 23/02/2023 23:43

It’s just as likely that they had only just had / were having breakfast when he arrived in which case you wouldn’t necessarily have lunch .

toodlesofoodles · 23/02/2023 23:48

Workyticket · 23/02/2023 22:43

The boys are both the oldest in the families at 11 (well, ds is an only)

To be clear - I'll not stop feeding his pals. I like that they feel comfortable here and I get stuff in especially for a couple of his more fussy mates now I know what they like

I just thought it was weird (and a bit crap) that the 1 time he's at their house they've not even made him a butty

He's a shy lad - he'd never ask if not offered (whereas this friend will say "I'm hungry Worky, can I please have...")

I think this is the thing, their friends feel fine saying can I have a snack/sandwich/some crisps

It's not like that at everyone's house. My kids help themselves and if we don't have something they want they'll ask to go the shop. Their friends understand this is how our house works, as their houses work the same. Its hard if the friends parents don't think the same way

Original poster
Workyticket · 23/02/2023 23:50

His little sister is about 3 or 4 so doubt they'd have only had breakfast at 10 (although I only have 1 child to go off so who knows)

I'm surprised at the "my dh would never think to feed the children" comments

I came home the other week to dh making egg butties for 4 kids that weren't ours!

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 23/02/2023 23:57

maybe his dad wa annoyed hed invited someone over and didnt know about oit

could have offered somethng though

OutofEverything · 23/02/2023 23:59

I do not make lunch for my teenagers or their friends, they can sort themselves out.

Housefullofcatsandkids · 24/02/2023 00:08

Workyticket · 23/02/2023 23:50

His little sister is about 3 or 4 so doubt they'd have only had breakfast at 10 (although I only have 1 child to go off so who knows)

I'm surprised at the "my dh would never think to feed the children" comments

I came home the other week to dh making egg butties for 4 kids that weren't ours!

I don't feed all of my children throughout the day (that sounds terrible but I will explain)!
Eldest is 20, obviously sorts themselves out most of the time.
14 year old on a non school day won't eat til the afternoon and I can't predict what he will want or if he's hungry so I don't tend to feed him til the evening.
6 year old twins eat me out of house and home, there's no way that if they had a friend over the friend would go hungry because I probably feed them every 20 minutes 😂. They have about 2 breakfasts and then have lunch about 1pm and then snack until tea time. I've usually fed them 4 meals before I've made anything for the older one so it's not guaranteed that they all eat meals at the same time.

Saracen · 24/02/2023 00:25

Maybe your son was offered something he didn't like?

Notcreativeatall · 24/02/2023 00:41

ds (12) has friends over and quite often they are offered lunch and don't take it up - we don't always make DS lunch-we ask him if he's hungry/what he wants and depending on what he wants he helps himself - we always remind him to ask his friends if they want anything and try and ask them ourselves- they quite often say no! DS can be useless at offering them alternatives though
He's been to other houses and come back unfed - i don't think its deliberate - they are just a bit crap with their guests/unwilling to ask/sometimes they were intending to leave and it just got extended...they don't want to go away from their screens
DP tends to think a bit more a long the lines.. if they are hungry they will ask - where I will be a bit more direct- do you want lunch?

Sometimes it can be tricky if they are from a family where all meals are served versus a help yourself approach

NumberTheory · 24/02/2023 01:00

Since you cater for DS’s friend so much, it’s pretty shit that the one time your DS is there they can’t be arsed to offer a snack and may well have left him out of lunch plans. There may be other alternatives. It may be that it wasn’t really convenient to have him there for some non-shoddy reason but they just didn’t want to tell him to go and was hoping he’d take the hint, which is still crap but not necessarily quite as hopeless. Or it’s possibly that the dad wasn’t aware DS was still there at lunch and DS’s friend didn’t know how to ask his dad to feed DS. If DS’s friend hangs out at your house so much, there may be a reason for that, so I’m glad you aren’t feeling like withdrawing your hospitality on the basis of this.

In any case I think this is an opportunity to talk to your DS about over staying his welcome - i.e. if others are eating and aren’t offering you anything, it’s time to make your excuses. Partly to teach him how to maintain some boundaries so he doesn’t put himself in a position that’s emotionally damaging (which hanging around while everyone else gets catered to like that could be), and partly so he doesn’t go hungry!

Zanatdy · 24/02/2023 01:03

God of course. Maybe the dad didn’t think, bet the mum would be fuming if she knew. It reminds me of the time a school mum texted me apologising as he thought his 2 daughters to my DD’s party (only younger one invited) and didn’t pay for her to play in the soft play like some parents do and he also told her to sit at the party table when food came so I had to pay for another child! I also had to re-arrange some party bags! I graciously said it was fine as a spare place etc, but I know she was fuming at her DH

Swipe left for the next trending thread