To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

It sounds like your having a really tough time but both doing great supporting each other.

My baby was like this in the evenings but was bf so a bit different so it's a more how I coped with lack of sleep than tips for your DH. I found it hard to sleep through the noises but honestly you just get used to it and get quicker at falling back asleep and used to broken sleep. It is really hard but you can do it. Lower your expectations in the day.

So my aim would be try to get as much sleep as you can in the night but also in any day naps. Adjust your expectations of a 'good night' so maybe getting an hour stretch while your DH has him rather than aiming for 4. Baby is so tiny and they just want you- it's sexist and sucks but it's true! In cases where the mum isn't there another adult becomes the primary care giver and forms that primary attachment. Tiny babies can't attach to multiple care givers in the same way but it isn't for long.

I had this with all three of mine and I wasn't ever able to get prolonged periods of sleep either because I breastfed and DH never quite managed that! All three had colic, and it was hell walking the floor every evening but it had to be done. I couldn't have survived if I hadn't co-slept (taking sensible precautions and not having DH in the bed). A tip someone gave me was to put the Moses basket in the cot beside me - also helped transition to the cot.

Eldest also had reflux and barfed devotedly until a year old. When weaning/weaned, you'd get to the last couple of spoonfuls and whey-hey up it all came. Youngest nearly put me round the bend - seldom slept for more than half an hour at a time.

I know we're all clueless with our first - but didn't you realise what you were letting yourself in for @Toastmostwoast ? Are you feeling ok in yourself?

What helped me a bit with 3rd was to watch TV on a recliner chair, baby upright and over my shoulder - was the only way the little bugger would sleep!! It was quite sweet bonding time actually - it was the rest of it that nearly finished 40 year old me off!!

You're not on your own OP, it's awful having a newborn who cries that much.
What I would say is it possibly isn't fair to leave DH with the baby every night during that time period just for his own sanity, me and my DH had to split this between us so we didn't have a mental breakdown trying to cope with the constant crying. Luckily it eased at around 10 weeks and I found switching formula helped aswell.
Like you I find it hard to sleep with a noisy baby so I tended to sleep in the spare room whilst the LO was in with DH but I could still hear when the baby woke for a feed and come in. Could be something to try if DH can sleep through the snuffles?

Do you really need a 4 hour nap?!

Yabu - she is four weeks old!!! I’ve never heard of anyone being happy for their tiny baby to be screaming when they know they could help. She doesn’t even know she’s separate from you yet - you will adapt to the broken sleep or just put her in bed with you and safely co-sleep (look up the guidance).

totally unreasonable to leave her screaming

What utter, sexist rubbish.

i agree, it’s biology, and although life has changed a lot in recent years, biology hasn’t

Firstly, sympathies for having a baby that is struggling on an evening. Have a screaming baby whilst you are sleep deprived and ill is no joke !

ive got three, all different but have had one that didn’t want a lot of sleep. It was a killer.

Things to maybe think about …

trapped wind … a couple of mine have suffered and needed help to break up the gas bubbles - infacol and gripe water helped to get burps up and pumps out. Along with bicycle legs and baby massage technique ( if you haven’t signed up as yet I’d really recommend )

reflux - possible silent … if she’s preferring being held upright it might make sense that she’s possibly suffering from this … she doesn’t need to be being sick, it could be silent

cmpa or another allergy that causing her discomfort. I don’t have direct experience but from anecdotes know it can be difficult to get diagnosed.

Babies don’t generally cry and become unsettled for no reason, there’s generally some need that isn’t being met ( and that could be that they need to be held ) but it can be difficult trying to figure out what that is … and can take a long time ( years until issues are apparent which you can trace back ).

also tummy time isn’t exclusively baby on the floor. Having them laid on your lap or held on their tummy on you is also classed as tummy time so don’t stress about that as you’re probably already doing enough without designated tummy time on the floor.

in terms of sleep, if you are needed to do the evening, he may need to go to bed earlier and then get up earlier with the baby. You are right, you do need sleep. Even if it’s a couple of hours it’s better than nothing. Also where possible sleep whilst your baby naps during the day ( or is settled for a period whilst put down)- again sometimes easier said than done.

But as with lots of things baby related, this will pass. Keep going and good luck

How is it better to bedshare, thus increasing the risk of SIDS, than to leave her in the loving care of her other parent? Give your head a wobble and stop giving dangerous advice

It's not unreasonable to leave her. It's not unreasonable to attend to her. You need to balance your need for sleep, her desire for you and your DH's desire for a little relief. She doesn't need you just because she's crying for you. She will be healthy and fine with her father looking after her.

Your DH may want a break from time to time. He isn't necessarily going to "learn to settle her" if she's going through a phase of screaming. And it's pretty soul destroying if most of the time you get with your baby they are crying despite your best efforts. But his desire for that break has to be balanced with your need for sleep. And this phase will pass. And his DC will know his scent and the feel of his arms better for having spent the time with him and that will improve their bond, their ongoing relationship and his ability to care for her.

I would generally take the four hours sleep, especially while sick, but provide some relief once or twice a week if I was generally well rested. But that's only one way to approach it. You are both capable of keeping her safe and loved. There isn't one right way.

Why don't you try getting less than 4 hours unbroken sleep a day for a couple of weeks and then come back and tell us whether or not you need more?

She, like all human beings, needs SLEEP.

@PaulRuddDoesntAge exactly this!

Of course it's not unreasonable; you're not leaving her to cry, you are leaving her in the loving care of her father so you can get much-needed sleep and be able to care for her the rest of the time.

YANU and YANBU you’re just at a loss of what to do.

At four weeks old this is really common and your little one might need to be cluster feeding. Are you exclusively breastfeeding or does DH have the use of a bottle for these times.

are you using a dummy and do you have a sling?

I have a business supporting mothers during the postnatal period and would be more than happy to offer some of my top tips. Having a newborn is challenging and they require lots of cuddles, skin to skin, practice the five S’s and often need lots of little feeds during this time as they try and establish and increase your milk supply.

Sending lots of love.

Hannah @motherhoodroad

I should've said leaving her with her father isn’t at all unreasonable. It might just need tweaking a little timing wise dependant on feeds.

I often recommend this to new parents (taking shifts).

Well isn’t this a depressing thread, full of judgement! OP you sound exhausted and some of the advice on here is ridiculous, people making up their own rules and stating something they’ve ‘heard’ as fact (like the safe sleep guidance) then still going on as if they know better than the lullaby trust 😂 even after the guidance is posted. Jesus.

Its bloody hard work, about to do it again after a CMPA 1st baby. This will be the last though 😂

I really feel for you, the pregnancy and newborn stage must be making you think loads about your sister and that could be making you feel exhausted as well as being unwell and lack of sleep. Some really good advice on this thread, obv don’t know what your HV is like, but mine was amazing at checking for tongue tie, listening to the cries and suggesting what it could be, checking nappies etc. She was the one who pushed for the CMPA diagnosis, and I’ll forever be grateful for the support.

I utilise daddy too, although not sure I could listen to crying while trying to sleep. Any chance you can switch it up and try and stay up? Take advantage of not having a kiddo running about during the day that you have to stay awake for and try to rest during the day, even if you don’t sleep. Sod the housework, just focus on feeling ok. No one looks back at the newborn stage bothered that the floor wasn’t cleaned or the dishes weren’t done until the end of the day. sure I saw some sort of ear plug aid people with autism use when overwhelmed by sounds, could you maybe try those during the day and ear plugs at night?

I bottle fed and husband worked away Mon-Fri and some weekends too, and we co slept in a next to me crib (aldi apparently sell their version for less than £50 now). I was exhausted and it helped. Try a few different brands of dummy as they’re all shaped differently and ensure you’re getting newborn ones (I don’t think you’re stupid, but sleep deprived!) we used Mam ones.

Not sure why people feel the need to go off on one about dads, possibly they’re jealous other people have supportive partners (male or female) who want to help and be an active parent possibly? Whatever the reason, that’s their problem not yours.

Couple things that helped us were baby massage, routine including bath, baby in a dark quiet room from a certain time (always supervised as per SIDS guidance), tiger in the tree pose on the arm (Google it for relief on tummy), try colic stuff you can buy over counter (you never know, worth a try) and just try to relax as much as possible, whether it’s sticking your feet in a foot spa when feeding, chuck a face mask on, keep plenty of chocolate or cake handy for a pick me up sugar rush, ignore idiots (that’s the most important one).

Really hope you’re feeling better and being kind to yourself. Take care x

Wow.

OP, please disregard this post.

@PaulRuddDoesntAge Oh yes they do 😅😅😅 Or were you trying to crack a joke?

Can DH put her in a soft wrap and walk her around? Newborns love to be close, warm, hear a heartbeat and will also count as tummy time.
Mine is 12 months old but I still remember newborn days like it was yesterday. I couldn’t leave her to cry or sleep while she was crying. FWIW we never did formal tummy time and mine has hit motor milestones early. Just lots of snuggles in the sling- it was the only way I could get anything done with a Velcro baby!

@Sirikit safe bedsharing actually reduces the risk of SIDS. There are other risks such as suffocation that are increased with UNSAFE bedsharing (which ironically usually happens on a surface that isn’t a bed) but not with safe bedsharing, following the safe sleep seven and lullaby trust guidance.

babies need their mothers - it’s inconvenient but so is having children at all. I can’t believe the views on this thread. I think OP needs help from a health visitor or GP as actually getting a four hour stretch with a newborn is a miracle and I’m worried about her mental health that she thinks leaving baby crying in this way is normal.

This is very sensible.

The problem with the ‘fourth trimester’ bollocks is that it puts a lot of pressure on new mums to ignore their own needs in favour of their baby’s.

Babies come out after 9 months for a reason. They’re not traumatised by it and they don’t need constant comforting. No one’s ripped them out before they were ready. They’re biologically designed to be physically separate from you at this point, so you don’t need to feel guilty for leaving the baby with the other parent occasionally to prioritise your own health.

Also, the number of posters saying that their baby’s evening crying got better at 12 weeks should be telling you something — it’s not called 3-month colic for nothing.

I wouldn’t leave her to cry. She’s only 4 weeks old.

This^. I wouldn't leave a 4 week old to cry even with his/her dad. I wouldn't be able to. As soon as s/he cries my instinct would be to go to them straight away.

I’ve just read that she sleeps 12 - 6 so I’m out! what expectations did you have of a newborn?!

this is the goadiest most awful thread I’ve read in a long time

I know it's not the answer you want, but to answer your question "WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation?" - Most parents in this situation comfort their crying baby, in whatever way is most effective. Right now she wants you at this time. That's what she needs. You won't die from less sleep. Trust me. There wouldn't be very many mothers left in the world if it was that unsafe.

I'm sorry but being a parent means needing to be flexible, and putting the child's needs above your own.

You can go ahead and carry on as you are, but what I said remains true, whether you like it or not.