To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

If she sleeps well at night why aren’t you sleeping then??

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Sorry but she's crying because she wants her mum. Can you not cosleep?
Also sounds like she may have silent reflux.

I can't agree that a screaming baby for hours isn't suffering harm...neither does the research.

But I also hope the OP is feeling better.

Education around normal biological parenting/babies is desperately needed, starting in schools.

Ok, you are being unreasonable- that broken sleep between midnight and 6am (or 10pm-6am or whatever else) that is what you get with a newborn- yes it passes as they get older, but for now she is telling you she needs you - it’s not a plant you test for physical condition- she needs you on an emotional level (look into Bowlby and attachment theory- miles better than baby centre). Babies don’t cry for no reason, just sometimes we don’t understand the reason. Your baby screaming for you - needs you and easiest solution is just co-sleep with her in the middle of the bed if you’re that desperate for sleep in that 8-12 (if you’re worried about safety have your DH watch over both of you while you sleep). Finally, you might want to look into velcro babies - with some tinies the faster you drop mainstream junk advice the faster things improve.

You think a baby in pain is funny?

This. Sorry, it sounds unnecessary. Please find a better solution that works for all of you.

Op I feel your pain. My first was like this and it was hell. I thought I would die of sleep deprivation and emotional exhaustion. I ended up with severe pnd and I am a big advocate for prioritising your own sleep and sanity. You're not leaving the baby to cry alone, she's being comforted. I don't think you should try to change anything yet.

That said, a few things we found that worked sometimes:

Dummy - keep trying

Feeding often and little throughout the day so that you get enough food in them without overfeeding. I know baby books are big on spacing feeds but this is a bad idea if the baby is restless and colicky.

Trying to get a micronap into the baby early in the evening seemed to help avoid awful overtiredness and overstimulation. My husband would bounce him on my birthing ball until he slept. Even a half hour, around 7pm, seemed to work wonders and the rest of the evening was easier.

I promise this will pass but please don't feel like it always has to be you soothing the baby at the cost of your own health. Look after yourself too.

Do your parents or in-laws live nearby at all? Perhaps they could have your baby overnight so you and DH could both get a decent night's sleep. Only a temporary fix but if you're desperate for sleep and it's an option for you, then ask them. It does get easier 🙂

Dear OP, I really hope your partner helps you as much as you need but please be aware that at this age, your baby needs you. Baby can bond with dad, etc but she NEEDS you.

I suggest you to sleep when the baby sleeps no matter the time of the day and ask your partner to sort out food and laundry.

Be strong, before you know it, she will be walking to school. Good luck

Sorry you're having such a hard time, the first three months of my son's life were utter hell for me, I was an absolute wreck. However i really do think you should insist the doctor checks for silent reflux. I recommend magic sleep fairy who has lots of info on unsettled babies. I'm not saying i fully agree with her sleep training but she is incredibly knowledgeable on unsettled new babies and you might find something that helps. best of luck to you and know that it will pass and you're doing great x

Sorry I don't get why you'd leave your baby to scream, even if she just wants you? This "crying for the sake of it" really? The only way a baby can communicate is through crying, there is a reason for that cry, if they are crying because they want their mum, that isn't for the sake of it.

I've had 3 children, I know exactly what it's like, I breastfed them all (I still currently breastfeed the youngest), I didn't dump them on my husband to scream when I know it's the time of night they want me, it'd be unfair to both of them. You work around it, not go off upstairs to snooze. Nap in the day if you are tired, at 4 weeks old they will be sleeping a good chunk of time still.

Please rethink this crying for the sake of it thing too.

Your DH needs to learn how to settle her or you will get in to a routine where it will always be left down to you to comfort her. She is fine with her dad so don't feel guilty. You need your sleep and he is just as capable as you. Would he give up his sleep if it was the other way round and he was the one that had the magic touch? Or would he think she's safe with her mum and you'd cope?

Just wanted to say we’ve been going through something very similar with our DC who’s slightly older than yours.

In the beginning we were doing night shifts just like you, but then one day DC just switched and decided he would not settle for Dad. He would scream and scream until he was in obvious distress and it was horrible. So we had to ditch Dad’s night shift as it seemed unnecessarily cruel for him to be in that much distress for that long. He just wanted to be with me. But as you say, this resulted in me taking the brunt of the sleep deprivation, getting only a few hours a night. Pretty grim.

In hindsight we worked out that the start of Dad’s night shift coincided with DC wanting to go to sleep, which he only wanted to do on me. Keeping him with Dad only made him more and more frustrated and upset.

We’re now a few weeks on from this and DC is thankfully showing signs of being able to settle for Dad again. He successfully rocked him to sleep and he stayed settled for a short while so we’re hoping this phase is on the way out.

Did not have any of these problems with DC1 so this was a surprise! 😄

That's really unsupportive and unhelpful. Congrats for breastfeeding all your babies and being a Martyr Mum but OP is really struggling. And my baby never slept during the day at 4 weeks. You might have got time to rest in the day but I certainly didn't.

@PennyRa probably not but suggesting that a 4 week old baby only feels comfortable communicating an allergy to her dad is ridiculous

Actually it does. Its best just breastfed babies to cosleep. More instinctive.

It's not unsupportive, it's saying your baby needs you why having it crying? You take mat leave to look after your baby. I only threw the breastfeeding in to make the point that I did all the nights, my husband is an amazing dad and does far more than his share but he's never managed to lactate, so nights were me. We never had crying all night, I actually co-slept, they were happy and settled they were close and I could feed them throughout the night. There's no real reason to be handing them to dad when it's that rough point in the evening all babies seem to have. I wasn't trying to be mean at all, just saying you take the baby at that point and sleep at another time.

That's what babies often do, only try to communicate like that with one person. Often it's mum, sometimes its dad, sometimes its someone like grandma

Sorry why are you not sleeping when the baby is? Overnight, in between feeds? Even if they're feeding every couple of hours, what are you doing in between?

Just wanted to mention silent reflux, as Merryoldgoat points out.

My son was the same, cried constantly for hours when we’d tried everything we could think of. In the end, all roads let to silent reflux. We got referred to a paediatrician and medication did help a lot, as well as my son being on an ‘incline’ (we had a special wedge under the head of his mattress and in his bassinet) to help with the acid rising up. He grew out of it when he started solids, and was mostly sitting up so around 6 months.

Might not be that at all, but maybe worth looking into as your situation sounds identical to ours.

I dont think its so much that your DS lacks skills, it is more that she is more used to you. ou have to give them some space so he can build th same bond you have. Many new mothers make the mistake of pushing out the father.There was a thread on here yeterday about a child-3 yrs i think who demanded taht only mummy should bath him. You don't want that!

@SoonBeTeaTime please read @littlestrawberryhatas they have a very good point.
Youre situation is not the same
You personal examples are not a help to OP and I was quite shocked about such phrases as ‘I didn’t DUMP then on my HUSBAND.
Not dump and husband = babies father.

Relate your advice more carefully, this new mother is really struggling.

She may have colic

Not clear why is NOT the same as no reason.