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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 4 week old to cry

572 replies

Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:18

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

OP posts:
OldFan · 28/02/2023 16:55

Leaving a baby with its father is not "leaving it to cry".

@Untitledsquatboulder OP is suggesting leaving it to cry.

Mumma212 · 28/02/2023 16:58

Derbee · 23/02/2023 16:27

Totally unreasonable. Tiny babies need their mothers. That’s just how it is, biologically. Dad can help a lot, but NOT when she’s crying and needs you.

Glad there’s someone else with some sense here.
Reading some threads on here I really wonder if the general population know anything about normal baby biology at all.

OP please please for the sake of your baby consider reading about what is just normal behaviour for a baby and what responsive parenting is.

Bellabubble · 28/02/2023 17:01

I don’t know if anyone has mentioned it in previous threads - but my daughter went through a 6 week period of PURPLE crying from 7pm-midnight, and every 4/5days it would reduce slowly (e.g. 7:30pm-11pm) and by Christmas she was going to bed at 8pm. Her needs had been met, she was fed, clean, had pooped, was being cuddled - but she continued to cry with both me and her dad!
I can only speak from what I felt at the time, but my husband and I had to take shifts as it was a long time to listen to a baby cry on and off, and we both found it draining and stressful. My husbad had to wear noise cancelling headphone and listen to podcasts to help him stay calm as he really found it hard not being able to “fix” the crying!
we did find that sometimes a bath or taking her for a walk (the cooler night air) helped - but it wasn’t successful every night!

Appleass · 28/02/2023 17:02

Crying for the sake of it ! Seriously worrying if thats what you think a 4week old is doing !! In fact I dot think any child cry for the sake of it.

Rachie1973 · 28/02/2023 17:02

Derbee · 23/02/2023 16:27

Totally unreasonable. Tiny babies need their mothers. That’s just how it is, biologically. Dad can help a lot, but NOT when she’s crying and needs you.

Twaddle. What about adopted and fostered babies?

Chihuahuasrule · 28/02/2023 17:04

She's probably not hungry at the start of the crying period, but she will be by the end. If in doubt feed!

Mummasince22 · 28/02/2023 17:04

If it’s colic can I ask if you’re breast or formula feeding. When I had to top up bubba’s feeds with formula I found Aptimil to cause terrible colic which practically stopped in an instant when I switched to Kendamil

miawallacesfeet · 28/02/2023 17:05

PaulRuddDoesntAge · 23/02/2023 16:26

A four week old baby doesn’t cry for the sake of crying.

Yes they do! It's called colic

Mumma212 · 28/02/2023 17:06

But to what end, that’s what I’m trying to understand. Am I supposed to get 0 sleep for weeks? Months!?

Have you considered some co-sleeping?
I understand it's not for everyone but for many many families it helps them get better sleep.

If you feel so that exhausted that you don't feel safe then maybe co-sleeping would be better.

You said that after midnight your baby sleeps better so I'd imagine you get the sleep you can during that time!?

DancingDaughter50 · 28/02/2023 17:08

Baby do not cry for the sake of it. Wanting to be back to the home they had for 9 months is perfectly reasonable.

I'm not sure what to suggest except babies change all their patterns all of the time.

So try not to be too rigid.

We barley put either 9f our two down when in the 4th trimester.

Untitledsquatboulder · 28/02/2023 17:09

OldFan · 28/02/2023 16:54

YABU.

Most people don't leave a baby to cry it out nowadays.

When it was fashionable 16 years ago, a CPN told me it was going to lead to a generation with mental health problems.

What an ignorant post, did you even read the OP. Once more for the hard of thinking: leaving a baby with an attentive parent is not cio even if the baby cries.

DancingDaughter50 · 28/02/2023 17:09

2nd time around the best money I had was a Co sleeping cot so she was in her own space but right next to me. I could properly relax and sleep and so could she.

FrizzledFrazzle · 28/02/2023 17:10

Dear god there are some unhelpful posts on this thread!

@Toastmostwoast I had a colicky/witching hour/purple crying baby (mostly resolved by 3.5 months) and it was exhausting and stressful and frankly grim.

I think it was cumulative overstimulation throughout the day that was the cause in our case, but even with trying to maximize daytime sleep, there's only so much you can do if your baby is alert and determined to be looking at things when they are awake.

I did find getting a dummy helped, because it allowed soothing through sucking without taking on more milk than needed. If she won't take a dummy, will she suck on your little finger? I did loads of contact naps too, to make sure my DS stayed asleep for as long as he needed during the day.

Don't sweat the tummy time. Lots of babies hate it and they all end up rolling and crawling and walking just the same.

Do what you need to do to get through the witching hours and be able to parent the next day. If that's handing the baby over to your partner for a bit, do it, especially while you are unwell.

And I'm so sorry about your sister. That must have been devastating for all of you.

GlitteryGreen · 28/02/2023 17:12

My baby was like this for the first few weeks OP, exactly the same except a bit earlier, from about 6pm until around 10. All she wanted was to be on me feeding, it was really tough. I literally used to eat dinner on the sofa with one hand while holding her with the other so she could still feed, otherwise she'd just scream blue murder.

We ended up doing shifts but much later, so I'd hand her to DP when she was asleep about 10 and her sit up with her until 2/3 (because she wouldn't be put down without waking) and then I'd take over for the rest of the night. He was working too but it helped him feel like he was doing a bit during a time when everything really fell to me, and also allowed me to get some sleep.

It was rougy, but it did become easier when we stopped trying to fit the baby in with us and adjusted to fit what suited her at that time. I appreciate your husband is working but I think when you have a newborn at home you both just need to muck in because it's such an all-consuming time.

whattodo22222 · 28/02/2023 17:12

closetparty · 23/02/2023 16:28

I absolutely could not do that, she wants her mum as she is only 4 weeks old.
Have your heard of the 4th trimester?
Me and plenty of other mums survived on 4 hours sleep or less during the newborn period, it is just the reality of having a baby. I am not sure how you could even sleep knowing she was screaming and you could solve it?

I have to agree with this. The fourth trimester was the hardest thing I've ever done but they do need their mum, that's why she settles for you. I would look up safe co-sleeping if I were you.

Botw1 · 28/02/2023 17:12

@Mumma212

She was being comforted in that she was being held etc.

The op hasn't posted for a few days (no wonder!) but hopefully they've managed to take some of the better bits of advice from the thread

Mums have no requirement to make themselves ill, sacrifice everything or martyr themselves to stop a baby ever crying.

The mothers needs, health and well being matter too.

A baby being held by its other parent will be absolutely fine. Even if it's crying. It will not be damaged in any way.

Look after yourself op, you're doing great.

Fiddledediddledeedee · 28/02/2023 17:12

Definitely get baby checked at doctors
could be lots of things
colic, reflux, intolerances, surprised to read babies can cry 2/3hours per day in first 6wks,
is your dh soothing her in a lit room with the to Tv on….BB not going to go to sleep with that. Needs darkness and no tv

MNs are going to blast me now but hayho……
Our lifesaver was Gina Ford…book The contented little baby. Everyone I know that used it said it was brilliant. And yes all three of mine were contented.

good luck

Howdoyoulikeyoureggsinthemorning · 28/02/2023 17:13

What are you looking for? People have said suck it up, every new mum (apart from your extreme examples) is tired in the first few months. If that's not a good enough answer then clearly you're looking for people to say "leave her".

Ultimately, there are some women reading this who would leave her. And there are some who wouldn't. You decide which mother you want to be. It's that simple.

CascaChan · 28/02/2023 17:14

I didn’t read past 4 week old baby crying for the sake of it. YABU

peachgreen · 28/02/2023 17:14

Oh OP you've had some vicious replies on this thread, I'm sorry.

DD was like this – crying for hours, refusing to be put down, overfeeding, and then when she did fall asleep in utter exhaustion she was SO noisy I couldn't sleep. It was silent reflux caused by CMPA. Switched her to prescription formula and she was a different baby within days. I mean she still never napped, but she did at least sleep at night and she didn't scream for hours!

Don't let anyone fob you off and say this is normal or colic. It's not.

HVPRN · 28/02/2023 17:17

Derbee · 23/02/2023 16:27

Totally unreasonable. Tiny babies need their mothers. That’s just how it is, biologically. Dad can help a lot, but NOT when she’s crying and needs you.

This. As much as society wants us to think not.

OP You need to comfort your baby, she needs you, no matter what others say. This phase in the evenings will only last til around 10-12 weeks, so cuddle and comfort her, let your husband fetch you things and take on other jobs to help out. Your baby knows your scent, your heartbeat and needs you. They don't cry to be manipulative. You need to be less selfish and attend to your baby. We've all been there. Take care.

Forgotthebins · 28/02/2023 17:17

I am really sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. That must be very traumatic. And it is exhausting looking after a newborn. I do think it would be a great idea to see if a family member - a very calm one - can stay for a few days. Baby might be sensing that you and Dad are both getting stressed in the anticipation of the evening of crying and that could create a vicious spiral where the stress, combined with the disappearance of mum sets her off. Or if not a family member, a night nanny, just to break the cycle. You should invest in your sleep but this situation isn’t helping you get rest. Your husband’s needs are quite rigid, so are your baby’s, and you sound like you are on overdrive trying to get it all exactly right. If you have any help that you can ask for or can pay for, take it.

Earplugs to block her noisy sleeping will be fine and eventually you will learn to sleep through - my guess is that it is more the sudden vigilance you feel to make sure everything is ok that is keeping you awake, than her snuffling.

also have you tried swaddling? Some babies like that.

PennyRa · 28/02/2023 17:18

There is probably something wrong, like maybe a milk allergy, and she feels like she can only communicate that to her dad.

HVPRN · 28/02/2023 17:19

closetparty · 23/02/2023 16:28

I absolutely could not do that, she wants her mum as she is only 4 weeks old.
Have your heard of the 4th trimester?
Me and plenty of other mums survived on 4 hours sleep or less during the newborn period, it is just the reality of having a baby. I am not sure how you could even sleep knowing she was screaming and you could solve it?

I know, right? Baby is only 4 weeks. Goodness.

Fiddledediddledeedee · 28/02/2023 17:19

Ps
Try a baby sleeping bag…stops them thrashing about and waking themselves up. Like swaddling them.

Black out blinds
Put to bed whilst awake not having fallen to sleep in your arms, they wake and wonder where you are.
……Gina Ford……has loads more advice.

Co sleeping. We did this, but only really so I didn’t have to get out of bed to feed.