To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

Can you not put baby in with husband and you sleep in spare room if she disturbs you? My son only started sleeping through last year at nearly 5, my daughter is 10mths, she has witching 2 hrs every day from about 4.30 and she is a noisy sleeper too.

With my son I was back at work on 45mins sleep

And this is why so many mums suffer from depression and burnout - ridiculous answer. It takes a village to raise a baby and your baby is in the loving arms of their dad. Look after yourself op or you won’t be able to look after your baby and ignore this inflammatory troll.

Grow up @Letthekidsplay . There’s no “troll” about stating facts that newborn babies are BIOLOGICALLY WIRED to need their mothers.

As I said, Dad can help a lot. But when a newborn baby is crying for 4 hours, and their mother can comfort them and take away the stress they’re feeling, it’s totally reasonable to do just that.

@Derbee

this!

babys want mum but doesn’t need mum when she has the other parent there to look after her. Op doesn’t want sleep, she needs it.

@LuckySantangelo35 nope. Different styles of parenting and responding to a baby’s needs does not make me a troll.

You can disagree with people without name calling. (Well, most adults can)

@Derbee

babys want mum but doesn’t need mum when she has the other parent there to look after her. Op doesn’t want sleep, she needs it.

I haven't read the full thread (there's 10+ more pages) but was waiting for this comment.

DS cluster fed (BF) every evening for almost 3mo, as did a lot of my friends babies. He fully grew out of it around 4mo, but prior to that he would feed on the sofa for most of the evening before going to bed and then waking up every 2 hours until he was 10mo.

Have you ever heard of post natal depression? I imagine zero sleep drives a lot of mothers in this direction ... which is what OP is looking at if she has to stay up for her precious 4 hour block of time. She's up the rest of the night.

OP needs to sleep and has a husband who can and should sort the baby for a few short hours each evening so she can have that sleep.

Zero need for mums to martyr themselves into critical exhaustion and depression.

It's completely normal for tiny babies to sleep noisily btw. Our NCT group used to joke that our bedrooms turned into farmyards overnight.

Gently, I think you need to lower your expectations. A lot of what you are describing is in fact, very normal.

Shock! Horror! A young infant can tell the difference between it's mother and father!

When DC did this, we used to put them in the sling and walk the streets. They'd sometimes nod off or else it'd be less stressful outdoors (once fed and changed etc)

HAven't RTFT, but these recommendations were really really helpful for us:

All of this sounds very normal. They take half an hour or so to feed, more time to settle
then they sleep noisily for a couple of hours then they start again. That’s what newborns do, and they do want Mum more. Can you settle baby in the evening and then sleep
for a couple of hours whilst husband stays with her? That’s what I used to do. So
I’d probably sleep from around 8-10
or 11, then be up every 2-3 hours in night. Could she sleep on dh? Mine used to love this and be very calm whilst he watched tv or gamed in the evenings.

Gently, I think you need to lower your expectations. A lot of what you are describing is in fact, very normal.

I agree with this.

Blimey - if your baby is sleeping quite well between 12-6 then you’re getting 5 hours ish? And then you have all day (whenever baby sleeps since you only have one) to grab a few more naps / sit in front of the telly cluster feeding etc? I think you’re doing all right!! Yes, your dh absolutely should be helping but I think giving him & baby a four hour stint at this point with constant crying is probably not great, well not every night anyway. Yes, you need a break but if he’s at work all day he will need some downtime too, and no matter what anyone says, a baby WILL still be hardwired to want the comfort of Mum more than Dad. Evolution may eventually catch up to the 21st Century but it hasn’t quite yet😄.

I would never leave a 4 week baby to cry. Never. Even if it was with Dad. Yes, over the next few months, you will get very little sleep. If Dad is back at work, I would tend to just do it. In this stage, everything is a phase and in a months time, you will have a different sleep pattern, it evolves all the time. But yeah for the next year you might just get chunks of 2-3 hours of sleep at best.

No. Wrong. Baby does need mum. Hence the screaming and the distress.

Everything you have described is textbook newborn baby. They want their Mum’s, it’s all they’ve known. It’s hard really hard and yes you’ll get zero sleep for months.

@Youwhatnowbiggles Absolutely this! Genuinely couldn't agree more 👏 and the evolution thing, well exactly 😄

Wow- “crying for the sake of it?!” At 4wks old there is a reason for it- hunger, reflux etc. no way I could listen to that for 3 hrs especially when I know I could sort it quickly. As for not getting enough sleep- you say she sleeps well for several hours so that is more sleep than most new mums get. If the noise keeps you awake move her further away from you, you could always get a sensor pad if you worry about her. I’m a single mum, my son was a terrible sleeper and some days I felt so exhausted but it’s being a mum. I didn’t have any help either. Maybe look at silent reflux treatments, cranial osteopathy worked amazingly for settling my son.

It sounds like your baby might have colic. Babies get unsettled during "witching hour" but shouldn't cry inconsolably for so long.

Both my babies had colic. It's awful and seriously stressful for both parents. Your not unreasonable for wanting rest but I think you'll be butting heads with your partner very soon because it's really hard to deal with a baby that cries non stop.

Nothing worked for my daughter and we just rode out the storm but at the first sign of colic with my son, i took him to a cranial Osteopath and it made the world of difference.
It's well worth trying and then you can go back to having a guilt free rest before the night shift

She’s not being comforted…that’s the point.
If she was comforted she wouldn’t be crying.

Is it completely normal that a 4 week old baby will cry when it’s separated from the mother.
This shifts thing may work for you OP and your sleep needs but it certainly isn’t working for your baby.

Personally, (and I accept we are all different) there’s no way I could lay in bed knowing my baby was crying for me, it’s sounds cruel for your baby and your DH.

If you’re still there, OP, I opened this thread thinking of silent reflux.

My dd was an absolute delight during the day - ate, napped, pooped - but around 4 wks we had the screaming for hours at night, also having to stand holding her all the damn time and it was hell. I had to call DH back from his Christmas party one night as I was losing my mind.

Then I read about SR, went to the GP who prescribed Infant Gaviscon and we never looked back. Not sure they still do that but that’s what worked for us 12 years ago.

Hope you feel better soon, and you get some rest - even if it’s a nap while she sleeps (I know, easier said than done!). The first 6 weeks are agony x

Leaving a baby with its father is not "leaving it to cry".

YABU.

Most people don't leave a baby to cry it out nowadays.

When it was fashionable 16 years ago, a CPN told me it was going to lead to a generation with mental health problems.