To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

Don't have time to RTFT, but I'd suggest looking into safe co-sleeping, so that you can get some rest and your baby can be comforted as they need.

YABU to leave a 4-week old upset. It's your body she's been in for 9 months, not DH's, and she clearly needs you rather than him at this very early stage.

They say its safer for bf mams to co sleep. Just cause we have more instinct as they stay close to the boob.

OP’s needs can be met whilst still meeting her baby’s needs (which are certainly more important in these early weeks).

She could nap at different times, her husband could do a different time shift. She could look into CMPA, baby osteopathy, reflux etc etc rather than leave this poor little thing to cry for 4 hours.

It’s exhausting having a newborn, but it’s unacceptable to leave a baby to cry

This was on the lullaby trust page

Yes bedsharing is not recommended for formula fed babies because mum and baby sleep deeper with fewer wakings. Having said that lots of things aren't recommended but you do what you have to do to get through it.

thats all part of having a baby. You cant over feed them so if she’s hungry feed her. I wouldn’t leave my screaming baby and partner alone to go have a nap personally. It’s called the fourth trimester and she probably just what’s her mum to comfort her

Came to say this. Mine would cry/scream almost the whole time awake, every day, up to 7 months. It was reflux, silent reflux and cows milk protein allergy. Over feeding can be a sign of this too.

The baby is not being left to cry! She is
with her other PARENT!!

Will she fall asleep on you once you’ve settled her as could it be an option you have a sofa nap snuggled up with her and your husband awake and in the same room so it’s safe? Honestly it will get easier you just have to do what you’ve got to do to get through the newborn faze. I remember functioning on little to no sleep with my second baby as I also had a 18 month old so needed to get up and out I think mothers bodies can function on less sleep when they have a baby as my husband was the one feeling tired and I was fine!

Stop with the forced tummy time ffs. No wonder she's screaming.

Don’t you sleep between 11-6? You could also try and nap during the day when baby is napping. Hope this passes soon for you both x

You absolutely can over feed a bottle fed baby. OPs baby is drinking twice the recommended amount for her weight. 1.2L a day! I don't even know many (if any) 6 month plus babies who would drink that amount. Over feeding is a red flag for cmpa, reflux or other digestive discomfort.

Exactly this.

It sounds like classic colic - it’s really common at her age, although I agree it is distressing.

It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with her btw. My first DD would cry like this every night from 7-11pm and then she just stopped at around 12 weeks. Newborn tummies can be tricky and until it settles down there’s not a lot you can do.

I would go through a few techniques with your DH so he’s equipped to deal with her - walking around holding her upright against your shoulder helps, as does white noise or music to distract them. Don’t overfeed but after a few hours a feed (I take it you’re bottle feeding?) might settle her down.

Good luck OP - don’t worry, she won’t come to any harm!

Baby’s needs are NOT more important than mum’s.

The Lullaby Trust make no distinctions between FF and BF babies. I would stick to reputable sources for information

And claiming the baby keeps her awake by snuffling in her sleep?
I would ask why the sneering attitude but I clocked your user name.

OP fwiw I had the same thing as I’m a light sleeper. Earplugs drown out the grunts but I still heard the cries when she roused.

She is four weeks old and growing.
Possibly she is hungry and your milk supply is always lowest late in the day.
Feed her if she cries and put her down again. Her feeding will increase your supply. The quicker you see to her the quicker she will go back to sleep. Attend to her in dim light with low noise.

My babies only started sleeping through at eleven months -when the crying for five minutes worked where as it didn't work at nine months.

I would investigate silent reflux if I were you (and dairy/cmp intolerance as a cause). If it’s the same time (ie a certain amount of time after feeding) each time she may be feeding to make the acid reflux pain abate. Mine had silent reflux and the crying was awful, especially if lying down.

My daughter's baby likes a white noise machine and just to be patted while lying in his bed after a feed. Have you tried a white noise machine?
Also once your baby sleeps, you need to sleep at the same time. Put in ear plugs and go to sleep night or day.
When the baby is four months old it's sleep patterns are more known to you and also you are more used to your sleep being interupted.
Have someone come and take baby for a walk in the pram for an hour while you sleep during the day. It is hard being the mother of a small baby.

Another one who says reflux. Both my children had/ have it. My son went through a few months where I was waking every hour with him, and even now, at 9 months, I do 4 night wakings every night on average. Both of them were OK lying down sometimes, other times not. Both of them cluster fed for hours for the first part of the evening/night.

If you can possibly afford it, or have private health insurance, I’d try a private paediatrician. We didn’t get anywhere with out otherwise excellent GP, and all our friends with refluxy babies ended up going private if they could.

I did everything and just got on with it. 15 years later I totally resent my DH as it set a pattern for his contribution to family life which is inadequate in my opinion.

I don’t want to say “let” your DH do his part because it is not your sole responsibility and you shouldn’t be allowing him to do anything “you can’t baby sit your own children”. You both crested her, he will find his groove. Be a team. If she’s too unsettled maybe you two can renegotiate what is needed for everyone to be happy

of course she needs you. But she needs you rested and able to enjoy her, and she needs her dad too. There are some very outdated views here

I have 3 sons - my first slept amazingly, my second virtually never slept and then my third was a screamer from around 6/7pm til 11/12pm ish. It was horrendous, so I do understand how you feel. It got better from 3 months, fyi!

Basically, we were pretty sure he had
some sort of reflux. If I used Infacol religiously with EVERY feed, and did a good job of winding him throughout the day, the evening was much better with virtually no screaming. If my husband had been in charge of feeds throughout the day (eg if I had to go out - I got a breast abscess and spent a lot of time at A&E one day, then later back and forth to a hospital so it was easier to leave our son at home than drag him out in the cold etc) he would “forget” (aka couldn’t be arsed) and I would be able to tell instantly come the evening because the screaming was awful again.

my recommendations would be:

1. Infacol with EVERY feed
2. Wind her several times per feed, no matter how long it takes to get that burp out
3. Look at baby massage to help with reflux
4. Use ear plugs when she’s sleeping but noisy - if your husband is asleep next to you you’ll soon know if you’ve slept through her screaming!
5. Agree at weekends a way for you both to get sleep - eg one does all the night wake ups and sleeps as long as they need in the day, the other gets up in the morning and looks after the baby til the other gets up. Or do one night each like that!
6. Review the daytime feeding - it seems a lot, so maybe you’re feeding when they aren’t hungry. My sister did this, every cry she fed her daughter (and her daughter always took it) but she never really learnt to recognise the different cries a baby has.
7. Review the routine in the day. You mentioned getting into a routine around 6 months, but from around now you should be able to get into a routine. My eldest would wake at 8am, be awake for an hour, sleep for an hour (id get my jobs done then), up for an hour, down for 3 hours (i would go back to bed then!) up for an hour ish down for an hour, then up til 6pm when we’d do bath, bottle, bed and he’d be in bed and asleep for 7/7.30pm. Wake ups for feeding at 11pm, 2am then through til 8am (there was an extra night wake up in the first few months but can’t remember the timings now) - once you know the routine, it makes it easier for you to sleep in the day!
8. Do you have a friend or relative that would take her during the day for a couple of hours just to let you get some sleep, even as a one off?

You will get through this, but it’s hell at the time!

Oh god I remember this phase. Walking up and down. Walking up and down stairs.
Yes you need sleep op leave dh to it. I ended up with severe pnd due to lack of sleep. Tell dh if he is at the end of his tether he brings baby to you. That's what me and dh did in the end.
On other side I was in hospital with one of my dc and baby across had this swinging arm baby chair thing and seemed to work magic. Also high recommend swaddling and using baby wrap for carrying.
Even going for late evening walk can help dh keep his sanity

You absolutely cannot leave a 4 week old baby to cry. No matter what. Your primary job is to hold that baby tight and ensure their every need is met. Sleep when your baby does. Routine comes much much later.
a friend of mine thought it was ok to leave a tiny baby to cry and that baby ended up in hospital with a lacerated throat.

How do people deal with multiple children, then?

You have to leave them to cry sometimes.