To end my relationship because my partner went on a boys trip and ended up with a prostiture in a hotel...

[Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight]

Long story short. I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

On the first night there he got so drunk he went to a nightclub that he and his friends knew was a place where prostitutes go to meet men. He left the club with a girl and she took him to a hotel. Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left. I found out because he tried to pay for the hotel with my bank card that he has in his wallet and I put two and two together.

After an hour or two of me trying to get hold of him to ask what was going on, at which time he blocked my calls, he then called me back and 'confessed' everything.

I confess that I have never had to witness him blind drunk so I can't get a sense of how he may have been but they had been drinking for around 8-9 hours by this point and had been awake for almost 24 hours. Not that it is an excuse but I just want to give a sense of what he may have been like. He claims it was the alcohol and he really didn't know what he was doing and feels utterly ashamed of his actions. He has promised to ditch his 'mates' who are all in their 50's but act like they're 'lads' when on these trips. And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

I love him very much and am heartbroken at what he has done and don't think I can get past it. It feels like a deal breaker to me but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over? I've asked him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own safety as much as anyone's, which he has agreed to do. Things were really good in our relationship so there is no real reason he would have done this which makes it even worse in a way.

Please be kind - I'm really hurting right now and would just like some opinions from anyone who may have been through similar. Thanks

Tbh, the actual idea of having a man in my life, in my bed who was happy to put his penis in another person, knowing that they weren't doing it because they wanted to, but because they were being paid by him, would make me sick to my stomach.

It's about in step above rape to me.

Bear in mind the saying 'In vino veritas'. When people's inhibitions are removed by drink the day to day facade is dropped and the truth comes out.

I found a hotel receipt in my ex’s pocket. It was for the same time he had told me he had gone to the cinema. He “came clean” and told me he had hired an escort, but she “never turned up”...so he did “in fact” go to the cinema and caught the end of the movie...and therefore he hadn’t “lied” about going to the cinema and he hadn’t “cheated” because the escort hadn’t shown up. He honestly expected me to say “Well that’s all OK then.” I kicked him out. We’d been together 8 years and had two kids.

Who the fuck has voted YABU?

OP, I have actually ditched friends for less. For example, I haven't seen or spoken to an ex-friend since I discovered he frequented strip clubs to the extent that it caused arguments with his wife, who I was fond of. I simply didn't want to be within 10ft of a man like that and to be honest with you, not many women would.

58?! I thought you were going to say he was 23 or something! I understand why you needed a sanity check (often we do!) and therefore to come on here for that is understandable, but I think you already pretty much worked out that it's a definite YANBU, and yuck what an immature twerp he is - do yourself a favour and leave this man ASAP and get an STI check in the meantime.

And yeah, I'd tell the other wife or wives or girlfriend(s), personally.

He's been using prostitutes all his life, this behaviour is ingrained and it won't stop.

Please look after yourself and cut this man out of your life.

A prostitute using boyfriend presumably.

definitely end the relationship. There's nothing there that is worth what it will cost you to try to hang on.

Maybe someone clicked on the wrong one, it has been known

Absolutely a deal breaker for me. Even if he didn't have sex, but then can you really believe a word he says.....the intention was there with no shits given about you. LTB!

Why does he have your bank card?

Oh yeah, and ltb.

He totally ignored your needs when he went away, he hangs out with creeps, exploits you financially, is prepaired to use a young womans financial desperation to force sex on her, and is almost certainly lying to you about what happened.

Please, please get rid.

I couldn't write this off as a huge mistake on one drunken night - it sounds like he's steeped in this kind of culture of heavy drinking, paying for women's bodies, going on lads' trips to do both, hiding/lying about it, etc. Blaming the alcohol is a huge red flag as he is the one who drank the alcohol. Perhaps if he went cold turkey the next morning and immediately signed up for some kind of rehab/therapy, there could possibly be a thread of hope, although even then I imagine you'd still be pretty disgusted with his attitudes. Otherwise, no way.

I don't think "un/reasonable" really applies to ending a relationship - either of you can end it at any time. What you're probably asking is something like whether you're more likely to regret staying or going. I'd say that unless you have some reason to truly believe he intends to stop and is willing and able to do whatever it takes to stop this kind of behaviour, things are only going to get worse.

Sorry this did make me laugh despite being quite gross.

Oh OP please dump the dirty bastard. I suspect he did shag the prostitute but even if he didn't that means he spent an hour or more with some poor girl who'd rather be somewhere else sucking his cock etc - is this the guy you want to be next to you in bed when you wake up? My vagina would close up so fast you'd hear it go clang.

Yes, it is repulsive.

The prostitutes are probably the same age as their daughter.

The "club" obviouly means a lap dancing club or a brothel.

No i don't think i could get pass this. It would not be about if i could forgive him or not. It would be would i want to be the person that this would turn me into?
The type of person, that wonders what he is up to if he is out without me.
Having to push the thoughts of her trying to work his flaccid penis while he laid there groping her out of my mind every time he tried to touch me .
Knowing that every time he said he loved me, there would always be that niggle in my head saying - not enough to not try to stick your dick in others though.
Having to slap a smile on my face when i see his so called friends and their partners, and swallowing the bile down as i watch them kiss and cuddle there partners who are none the wiser.

Its the fact that it would change me into shadow of myself, always something at the back of my mind, always wondering why i am not enough for him, will he do it again. Everything would be tainted and poisoned to the point where i would tie myself in knots until i felt guilty about not getting past it and still having intrusive thoughts. The bitterness and anger would always be there. And that is not who i would want to be.

Having sex with her or not is way to drag you intellectually into another argument.

The group obviously goes away in order to do this, booze and ex thing. It is the reason for the trip, not a by-product of the trip.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable To never speak to this lowlife again. Please end it for your own self worth and sanity. I’m honestly flabbergasted that you even need to ask, he tried to use your card to
pay for the hotel too! You would have paid for him to cheat on you essentially and he thought that was fine. He would be out so quick if it were me.

I think I’d actually have more issues with the sex worker part (due to the worries of coercion, genuine consent, possibility of sex trafficking) than a partner who had ‘just’ got drunk and had a one night stand. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

This. Men whose contempt for women manifests in believing they can buy another human's 'consent' to be used for sexual contact are disgusting. Beyond vile.

Leaving aside his utter disrespect to you and his pathetic drunken behaviour with his 'mates', the fact that he views a vulnerable prostituted woman as a commodity for his use makes him an absolute low-life.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this person. Dump him and don't look back.

The men who've been drawn to MN by the Sex topic and are now seeping through the rest of the site. Expect to see much more of this now.

Maybe it’s people who think she’s unreasonable for having to ask, or unreasonable for not getting the locks changed this very moment.

It’s a dealbreaker OP. I ended a previous relationship because of a similar situation involving prostitutes, and the after we broke up I found out it wasn’t the first or last time. Do yourself a favour and cut him out of your life.

Eurgh OP

You probably won't leave him, and that's up to you - it isn't easy to 'LTB' when your whole life has been tied up together. I can understand you desperately wanting to believe he was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing....but deep down you know this is bullshit. A man in his late 50s purchasing a young woman/teen? Grim as fuck. Whether he had sex with her or not is irrelevant.

This is the beginning of the end of your relationship though, no matter how you react right now. You can either walk away now, feel the pain and come out of the other side, or stick around wasting the next few years distrusting his every word till your self-esteem is in the ground. Either way your relationship is dead, it's just a matter of time.

Whatever you do though get an STI check - I highly doubt this is the first time.

He tried to use your money to pay for a prostitue :(
Why does he have your bank card anyway? Is he using you to fund his lads holiday?