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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my relationship because my partner went on a boys trip and ended up with a prostiture in a hotel...

419 replies

Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 12:28

Long story short. I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

On the first night there he got so drunk he went to a nightclub that he and his friends knew was a place where prostitutes go to meet men. He left the club with a girl and she took him to a hotel. Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left. I found out because he tried to pay for the hotel with my bank card that he has in his wallet and I put two and two together.

After an hour or two of me trying to get hold of him to ask what was going on, at which time he blocked my calls, he then called me back and 'confessed' everything.

I confess that I have never had to witness him blind drunk so I can't get a sense of how he may have been but they had been drinking for around 8-9 hours by this point and had been awake for almost 24 hours. Not that it is an excuse but I just want to give a sense of what he may have been like. He claims it was the alcohol and he really didn't know what he was doing and feels utterly ashamed of his actions. He has promised to ditch his 'mates' who are all in their 50's but act like they're 'lads' when on these trips. And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

I love him very much and am heartbroken at what he has done and don't think I can get past it. It feels like a deal breaker to me but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over? I've asked him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own safety as much as anyone's, which he has agreed to do. Things were really good in our relationship so there is no real reason he would have done this which makes it even worse in a way.

Please be kind - I'm really hurting right now and would just like some opinions from anyone who may have been through similar. Thanks

OP posts:
Skodacool · 23/02/2023 15:36

And he swears he didn't have sex
But he intended to.

Original poster
Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 15:39

DoristheDuchess · 23/02/2023 14:53

What are your circumstances OP? can you easily leave him?

I'm financially independent and have already kicked him out - we don't have any children together. He flew back early to try and talk to me but I packed all of his stuff and left it in the shed for him to collect. I cannot face him at all and don't want to listen to him apologise or explain or anything. It's just ridiculous as we've gone through so much to get to where we are now and bought a house 8 months ago that we're renovating to be our 'dream' house - I'm now going to have to finish it on my own which is not going to be easy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 15:42

GoldenCupidon · 23/02/2023 15:19

Sorry this did make me laugh despite being quite gross.

Oh OP please dump the dirty bastard. I suspect he did shag the prostitute but even if he didn't that means he spent an hour or more with some poor girl who'd rather be somewhere else sucking his cock etc - is this the guy you want to be next to you in bed when you wake up? My vagina would close up so fast you'd hear it go clang.

Show quote history

Thanks for the laugh 😀

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 15:45

Sunshinesky1981 · 23/02/2023 15:23

No i don't think i could get pass this. It would not be about if i could forgive him or not. It would be would i want to be the person that this would turn me into?
The type of person, that wonders what he is up to if he is out without me.
Having to push the thoughts of her trying to work his flaccid penis while he laid there groping her out of my mind every time he tried to touch me .
Knowing that every time he said he loved me, there would always be that niggle in my head saying - not enough to not try to stick your dick in others though.
Having to slap a smile on my face when i see his so called friends and their partners, and swallowing the bile down as i watch them kiss and cuddle there partners who are none the wiser.

Its the fact that it would change me into shadow of myself, always something at the back of my mind, always wondering why i am not enough for him, will he do it again. Everything would be tainted and poisoned to the point where i would tie myself in knots until i felt guilty about not getting past it and still having intrusive thoughts. The bitterness and anger would always be there. And that is not who i would want to be.

Yes, this is exactly what I know I would feel like...

OP posts:
ellie09 · 23/02/2023 15:50

Oh my OP, this is awful.

You deserve so much better.

His story doesn't add up. I have known men who have used sex workers, and they don't waste time on men who are so drunk they are not functional. I highly doubt that one would spend one whole hour "trying" to have sex with him. Even if he couldn't, the "trying" part involves other sex acts.

Regardless if he had sex or not (I am getting her actually has), the intention to cheat was there. I couldn't trust this person again.

Kick him out, change the locks. Start a new life for yourself without this sorry excuse of a man. It will be hard for the first while, but long term, you will be glad you had the self respect to kick him to the curb.

Badromancer · 23/02/2023 15:52

This is so sad. Why do some Men do such vile things?

Im sorry OP, you have a long road ahead of healing now and that is so unfair. I really do feel for you.

Take pride in yourself and kick him to the kerb.

MyPurpleHeart · 23/02/2023 15:53

Would he ever have told you if you didnt get notified about the card?

No.

Thats all you need to know. Its probably happened before. Its not the alcohol, its not the mates, its not the weekend. Its him and what he wanted to do

You deserve so much more OP

GoldenCupidon · 23/02/2023 15:54

Glad I made you laugh 😊and WELL DONE on kicking him out!! Stick to your guns. Plus can I just point out that in your early forties if you went 15 years in the other direction to the previous you could be having sex with a delightful man in his late 20s who also doesn't try to pay to exploit women?

See a solicitor about the house first though. You want to make sure of your rights.

Itsmyturnnow1 · 23/02/2023 15:56

I would not in a million years forgive this. He can’t be trusted and who knows if he would have told you if you didn’t find out? Sorry for you though.

amonsteronthehill · 23/02/2023 16:00

Dealbreaker.

Not only did he take a prostitute back to a hotel for sex, he tried to pay for it with your money on your card.

YANBU to tell him to get to fuck. If he can get it up, of course.

SunsetStrip · 23/02/2023 16:00

My dh had an affair and I took him back... and even I'm repulsed by that! That'd absolutely be the end for me.

ItchyBillco · 23/02/2023 16:00

I could never, ever, ever get past this. He tried to fuck a prostitute and use your card to pay for it. It was only limp dick that prevented it.

Unforgivable.

amonsteronthehill · 23/02/2023 16:02

Sunshinesky1981 · 23/02/2023 15:23

No i don't think i could get pass this. It would not be about if i could forgive him or not. It would be would i want to be the person that this would turn me into?
The type of person, that wonders what he is up to if he is out without me.
Having to push the thoughts of her trying to work his flaccid penis while he laid there groping her out of my mind every time he tried to touch me .
Knowing that every time he said he loved me, there would always be that niggle in my head saying - not enough to not try to stick your dick in others though.
Having to slap a smile on my face when i see his so called friends and their partners, and swallowing the bile down as i watch them kiss and cuddle there partners who are none the wiser.

Its the fact that it would change me into shadow of myself, always something at the back of my mind, always wondering why i am not enough for him, will he do it again. Everything would be tainted and poisoned to the point where i would tie myself in knots until i felt guilty about not getting past it and still having intrusive thoughts. The bitterness and anger would always be there. And that is not who i would want to be.

Well spelled out

Biscuitlover456 · 23/02/2023 16:03

YANBU. What an utterly horrible situation for you to have to deal with. Well done for kicking him out! Stay strong x

Dubbydoodoubter · 23/02/2023 16:03

I would end it because any man who would pay to use the body of a woman is not a man I would ever want to have any type of relationship with.

That’s worse to me than cheating with someone he genuinely liked and was in an affair relationship with.

i could never get past that or see him in the same light again.

lostinfusion · 23/02/2023 16:03

He went to a club known for prostitutes - is that why he went there? Show's he was clearly able to make some decisions if so & chose to go to a hotel & try & have sex .

MeridianB · 23/02/2023 16:07

This has to be the easiest ever decision. Him and his friends are disgusting. I doubt it’s the first time and if he hadn’t drunk so much that he panicked I doubt you’d ever know about it.

The business of his money and your bank card is also weird. Is he into tax evasion?

Benjispruce4 · 23/02/2023 16:07

Oh dear how vile! I wouldn’t believe that he didn’t have sex that’s just a story to make you give him another chance. I couldn’t get past that.Sorry.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/02/2023 16:10

Well done for kicking him out immediately. I wish you the best of luck for the future.

OneMorePlant · 23/02/2023 16:10

Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 15:39

I'm financially independent and have already kicked him out - we don't have any children together. He flew back early to try and talk to me but I packed all of his stuff and left it in the shed for him to collect. I cannot face him at all and don't want to listen to him apologise or explain or anything. It's just ridiculous as we've gone through so much to get to where we are now and bought a house 8 months ago that we're renovating to be our 'dream' house - I'm now going to have to finish it on my own which is not going to be easy!

Show quote history

Honestly this sounds like the best thing that could have happened to you. It does not feel like it right now and won't for a good while.

But you lost a huge amount of dead weight and you will probably be financially better off for it. You can renovate and decorate that house just how you want it.

It's kind of exciting to look forward to no?

Back2front · 23/02/2023 16:14

Deal breaker

clpsmum · 23/02/2023 16:14

I've not read the full thread and not even read your full post tbh. Why are you even asking????

SpilltheTea · 23/02/2023 16:16

Don't let him worm his way back, he's a good for nothing sack of shit.

MojoJoejoe · 23/02/2023 16:22

He definitely did it. If he didn't, it at least tried to go in/had oral/fingers etc...which is still sex IMO.

He clearly has no respect for you and your body as well as his own. Yuck.

And his friends didnt stop him? And he used your card? And he blocked you?

He's doing the typical 'admit a smaller crime to get away with a bigger one'...either way sex was involved...and with a prostitute of all people?

Double yuck.

Best of luck in whatever you decide x * *

Jedsnewstar · 23/02/2023 16:25

So are you asking if because he couldn’t didn’t actually manage to get his dick inside someone else you should stay with him?
Cause…
He tried to cheat
There is no such thing as blind drunk. That’s what people use to excuse shitty behaviour.
He thinks women can be bought, he has no respect for them.
He has no respect for you
He doesn’t care that he could have caught and passed on all manner of diseases to you.
He tried to use your money to do it.
He is disgusting
What do you want us to say, marry him?