To end my relationship because my partner went on a boys trip and ended up with a prostiture in a hotel...

[Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight]

Long story short. I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

On the first night there he got so drunk he went to a nightclub that he and his friends knew was a place where prostitutes go to meet men. He left the club with a girl and she took him to a hotel. Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left. I found out because he tried to pay for the hotel with my bank card that he has in his wallet and I put two and two together.

After an hour or two of me trying to get hold of him to ask what was going on, at which time he blocked my calls, he then called me back and 'confessed' everything.

I confess that I have never had to witness him blind drunk so I can't get a sense of how he may have been but they had been drinking for around 8-9 hours by this point and had been awake for almost 24 hours. Not that it is an excuse but I just want to give a sense of what he may have been like. He claims it was the alcohol and he really didn't know what he was doing and feels utterly ashamed of his actions. He has promised to ditch his 'mates' who are all in their 50's but act like they're 'lads' when on these trips. And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

I love him very much and am heartbroken at what he has done and don't think I can get past it. It feels like a deal breaker to me but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over? I've asked him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own safety as much as anyone's, which he has agreed to do. Things were really good in our relationship so there is no real reason he would have done this which makes it even worse in a way.

Please be kind - I'm really hurting right now and would just like some opinions from anyone who may have been through similar. Thanks

I've been blind drunk many many times and always managed not to cheat or sleep with hookers 🤷‍♀️

What!?? 58 and behaving like that? It would have been bad enough if he was young, but an old codger? I'm afraid he isn't going to change and trust me if you want it there is someone far better waiting for you. You have to leave him.

If you were advising someone else in these circumstances @Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight what would you say to them.

Sorry you have been hurt but you will be ok. Get rid!

Take it as an act of fate that stepped in with him taking your card and trying to use it to pay. As you say, you'd never would have known otherwise.

Do you think he would have confessed this to you with you having that knowledge? Of course not. There's no coming back from this OP and deep down you know that, and that you'll never trust him again.

Christ why did he have your bank card and how could you ever consider being in bed with him again?

Get tested for STDs and walk away. No, run!

YANBU to end your relationship because of this and YABU not to.

The only possible reason to consider going to relationship counseling and perhaps try to either salvage or get assistance to maintain a cooperative amicable split is if you have children in common, but tbh children bring a whole extra layer of complexity to a decision to stay too (you don't want children of either sex thinking this is okay). I think it's pretty close to impossible to come back from your "partner" showing he isn't any kind of partner by using a prostitute.

Quite

So having much younger partner at home (you) and he's still trying to get sex elsewhere?
Probably not the first time either.

Go and find someone who adores you.

The reason I asked about his age was that I could (possibly, sort of) understand him getting carried away on a night out if he was very young, immature and easily influenced.

But he is old enough to be a grandad.

OP most men would not end up in that situation, no matter how drunk.

It's not some sort of inevitable consequence of being drunk and out with the lads - it really isn't. The fact that this is what happened is a result of a few things:

1. He (whilst still sober enough to make a decision) CHOSE to go to a club known for prostitutes picking up men.
2. He drank far too much
3. At some point, he decided he wanted to have sex with a prostitute.
4. He attempted - for at least an hour - to go through with it.

Most men wouldn't even get to stage 1. This tells you that he is ambivalent about prostitution at best, and opening up for it at worst. He has probably done it before and will probably do it again.

Not so much of a deal breaker as a deal destroyer.

Sorry this happened to you. You are young - go out and find someone better.

Who knows how many times he's done this before and got away with it because he didn't use your card.

Could you ever be drunk enough to pay someone to have sex with you? No, nor could I.

It’s sad you’re even having to ask this question

Ask yourself this question OP, if this isn't a deal breaker then what the hell is?

At what point do you say no, or do you really have no self respect that you don't have any boundaries.

I'm not saying this to upset you but you really need to give your head a wobble if you think this is forgivable. This man has shown how much utter contempt he has for your relationship. How are you going ro respond to that? because your response will determine the rest of your life.

Don't be a mug and try to talk yourself into finding a way to make it okay by making him jump through X, Y or Z hoops. Find your self esteem and get this man out of your life.

Sexual touching with another person occurred. That would be an entirely valid reason for anybody to chose to leave a relationship.

This

My ex husband once looked me in the eye and listed all the awful things he'd done then said that he was lucky that I'd stayed with him. He should have been ashamed of his behaviour but I was the one who experienced shame. I felt humiliated.

It was clear that he was mocking me for having let him get away with it all "in the name of love". He obviously had no respect for me and felt he had been given carte blanche to do whatever the hell he wanted. I hope you don't make the same mistake.

Please look after yourself

This. At the age of 58, I would assume he would have grown out of getting so pissed that this happens. I don't think there's any hope for him. I would get rid, as you're going to be waiting for the 'next time'.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. He blames the alcohol, as if the alcohol just happened to him, as if this stupid thing is just happening to both of you, but that's not the case. I would end the relationship.

You deserve better than this. Never doubt it!

Don’t let him off because he was drunk. I’m sure it was in the plan for him and all his seedy mates from the start.

You don't just turn into a different person at 58. This isn't the first time he's done this and it won't be the last

Not really what you are asking, but there isn't a prostitute worth her salt that would have 'tried for an hour for him to get it up' 🙄
In her hotel room with a supposedly blind drunk punter? Why would she? She would have been paid already. Not a chance. Didn't happen.
So he's even being 'economical' with the logistics..

Have some dignity and self-respect, bin him off!!!

He may of asked for a hand job to get him ready. He probably payed by the hour and not the act.

Urgh. He's 58 and does that. It's just disgusting, every single grubby element. Is going to nightclubs when you're nearly 60 now the norm?

Awful behaviour.