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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my relationship because my partner went on a boys trip and ended up with a prostiture in a hotel...

419 replies

Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 12:28

Long story short. I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

On the first night there he got so drunk he went to a nightclub that he and his friends knew was a place where prostitutes go to meet men. He left the club with a girl and she took him to a hotel. Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left. I found out because he tried to pay for the hotel with my bank card that he has in his wallet and I put two and two together.

After an hour or two of me trying to get hold of him to ask what was going on, at which time he blocked my calls, he then called me back and 'confessed' everything.

I confess that I have never had to witness him blind drunk so I can't get a sense of how he may have been but they had been drinking for around 8-9 hours by this point and had been awake for almost 24 hours. Not that it is an excuse but I just want to give a sense of what he may have been like. He claims it was the alcohol and he really didn't know what he was doing and feels utterly ashamed of his actions. He has promised to ditch his 'mates' who are all in their 50's but act like they're 'lads' when on these trips. And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

I love him very much and am heartbroken at what he has done and don't think I can get past it. It feels like a deal breaker to me but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over? I've asked him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own safety as much as anyone's, which he has agreed to do. Things were really good in our relationship so there is no real reason he would have done this which makes it even worse in a way.

Please be kind - I'm really hurting right now and would just like some opinions from anyone who may have been through similar. Thanks

OP posts:
Hope551 · 23/02/2023 16:31

I use to be like that when blackout drunk... although not as extreme. so I don't drink anymore and never put myself in situations where this could even occur.

So for me deal breaker. If I feel I am that easily swayed or out of control I won't put myself in the position. Cheating is no go for me. No excuse. An inability to be responsible or put in boundaries to the detriment of hurting the person you love? Not the guy for me :(

Sorry.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/02/2023 16:31

Jedsnewstar · 23/02/2023 16:25

So are you asking if because he couldn’t didn’t actually manage to get his dick inside someone else you should stay with him?
Cause…
He tried to cheat
There is no such thing as blind drunk. That’s what people use to excuse shitty behaviour.
He thinks women can be bought, he has no respect for them.
He has no respect for you
He doesn’t care that he could have caught and passed on all manner of diseases to you.
He tried to use your money to do it.
He is disgusting
What do you want us to say, marry him?

Read the OP's posts. She has already kicked him out.

Herja · 23/02/2023 16:32

Stick with kicking him out.

I'd also broadcast why far and loud - you should feel no shame, but he should feel like the scum he is. Absolute weasel: he loses his inhibitions, so the first thing he does is exploit a desperate woman and fuck you over in the process? He's a dirty fucker who deserves no compassion.

That also neatly solves the issue of letting the other wives know what was happening too. They'll put two and two together if they want to.

OldFan · 23/02/2023 16:46

And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

You're right that most of them will minimize what they've done @Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight , but if he shagged her (seems likely to me) and is saying he didn't, then that is out and out lying.

CantGetDecentNickname · 23/02/2023 16:50

You are young enough to start over and find someone much nicer, kinder, younger and who will be able to manage to "get it up". Remind yourself of this if you ever start to doubt yourself.

Well done for getting rid and hope you are able to continue with the house yourself.

SkiingIsHeaven · 23/02/2023 16:52

I feel so sorry that this has happened to you but was really pleased to see that you had the strength to do the right thing.

No matter what people say, it isn't always easy to just LTB but you have and you should be very proud of yourself.

Redebs · 23/02/2023 16:53

I'm so sorry. How horrible to have done that.
You need time to process it and to look after yourself after being
treated like that.
I would suggest he find somewhere else to stay for a bit if you live together. You probably need a bit of space and might not want to look at him for now.
You don't have to make any decisions about the future right away, but don't underestimate what a cruel and hurtful thing he has done. Only you know if you can ever trust him again.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2023 16:59

Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 15:39

I'm financially independent and have already kicked him out - we don't have any children together. He flew back early to try and talk to me but I packed all of his stuff and left it in the shed for him to collect. I cannot face him at all and don't want to listen to him apologise or explain or anything. It's just ridiculous as we've gone through so much to get to where we are now and bought a house 8 months ago that we're renovating to be our 'dream' house - I'm now going to have to finish it on my own which is not going to be easy!

Show quote history

Good for you!! He needed to be 'gone'.

As far as your 'dream home', just remember that now it is YOUR dream home. You can throw out all of the ideas he had and make it all 100% yours. Your style, your colours, your decor. You can get rid of projects that were for things he wanted. It can and will become your haven and home.

Mamoun · 23/02/2023 17:01

How old are you? Do you have children together?

sianiboo · 23/02/2023 17:03

Sadly, due to my horrific childhood, men acting like this doesn't shock me...regardless of their ages. My father was shagging prostitutes less than 3 months after going to work abroad, while waiting for us to join him...in fact my mother told me last year, the reason he was in such a filthy mood a the airport when we flew in was because he'd had to cancel a visit to his favourite brothel that night...

My father was 31 at the time and he never stopped cheating on my mother. He finally left her for another woman 11 years later. He always 'confessed' to my mother what he'd done - mainly because he'd come back at the end of his postings (not military) with zero money saved - and she'd always 'forgive' him. But she actually never did and turned into the bitter angry resentful woman that she still is today. She also blamed myself and my two brothers, because if she hadn't had to stay in the UK with us, he wouldn't have been able to get up to what he did (in her opinion, I'm pretty sure he still would have found a way).

So no, I wouldn't forgive him. I'd also take great pleasure in ratting him and his 'friends' out to all of their wives. Actions have consequences.

StaunchMomma · 23/02/2023 17:06

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. I am kind of glad that the card mix-up happened though, or he could have come home & you be none the wiser.

He sounds like a dreadful person who is friends with a group of utter twatbags. I feel bad for all of their partners as this doesn't sound like a one-off at all..

Well done for booting him out. You're only 43 so have plenty of time to go and find yourself a lovely, kind, loyal man without a right bunch of cocks as mates!

sianiboo · 23/02/2023 17:07

Oh and my mother, being the fine Catholic misogynist that she is, now blames all the women for 'leading my father astray'.

Gymnopedie · 23/02/2023 17:09

I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

I wonder why he was so insistent that he was going???? He's been away with these 'boys' before and knew exactly what went on when they did. And he wasn't going to miss it. I'd bet it's not the first time he's done it, just the first time he's got caught.

Original poster
Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 17:11

sianiboo · 23/02/2023 17:03

Sadly, due to my horrific childhood, men acting like this doesn't shock me...regardless of their ages. My father was shagging prostitutes less than 3 months after going to work abroad, while waiting for us to join him...in fact my mother told me last year, the reason he was in such a filthy mood a the airport when we flew in was because he'd had to cancel a visit to his favourite brothel that night...

My father was 31 at the time and he never stopped cheating on my mother. He finally left her for another woman 11 years later. He always 'confessed' to my mother what he'd done - mainly because he'd come back at the end of his postings (not military) with zero money saved - and she'd always 'forgive' him. But she actually never did and turned into the bitter angry resentful woman that she still is today. She also blamed myself and my two brothers, because if she hadn't had to stay in the UK with us, he wouldn't have been able to get up to what he did (in her opinion, I'm pretty sure he still would have found a way).

So no, I wouldn't forgive him. I'd also take great pleasure in ratting him and his 'friends' out to all of their wives. Actions have consequences.

@sianiboo sorry your Dad was so shitty...

OP posts:
loobylou10 · 23/02/2023 17:13

Yuk yuk yuk that would be the end for me. Also, you don't necessarily have to accuse the other 'men' of cheating - simply tell the wives why you've kicked him out (well done) and they will put 2 and 2 together and start asking questions of their 'DHs'

MysteryBelle · 23/02/2023 17:17

Unfortunately, how can you ever trust him again? You can’t even if you wanted to. Let’s say he did ditch his mates and is loyal to you forevermore and never ever thought about doing anything like this again. What happened will always be there. Nothing you can do about it, nothing he can do about it. There are some things you can’t rectify and this is one of them. You love him. But he is not the one. Go find the one. When you’re ready. Remember, people who stay with their unfaithful spouses will always live with the impact of the cheating. That’s no way to live, is it?

TicketBoo23 · 23/02/2023 17:17

I've seen and heard a lot of this behaviour from middle aged men (not that all ages don't do it).

When I was 26 I went out with a much older man who was going through a divorce when his wife wouldn't live with his repeated affairs. I was very young and open minded and non judgemental so he felt at liberty to tell me that the gold trips they went on to Portugal and Spain involved visiting brithels regularly. I'm not sure if he was single on them or not, bit the other men were not ... They were husbands, father'ls and grandfathers. The women in the brithels were pretty much young enough to be their grand daughters. Their wives probably thought they were well past any such behaviour.

The man I saw suffered from ED so "his" prostitute each night must have felt like it was an easy punt.

TicketBoo23 · 23/02/2023 17:18

Typos galore, sorry.

Name999999 · 23/02/2023 17:18

I know horrible men like this and in my heart I loathe them (my grandfather for one). My poor grandmother who had to put up with him, his mistresses and the sex workers he used. My Grandmother could not leave, an immigrant, illiterate and could not speak English. He was vile. God I hate him. My poor Grandmother died in her 60s, she had severe mental health issues. Lots of other stuff she suffered, DV for one from my Grandfather,

OP you’re the same age as me and I can’t imagine being with someone in their late 50s who used prostitutes, you are so much better than him. So much better.

CuppaWhiteTea · 23/02/2023 17:19

I’m so sorry, I meant to vote YANBU but clicked wrong button. Of course you’re not! This is dreadful and I hope you are ok. 💐

strawberry2017 · 23/02/2023 17:20

It would be over for me. No coming back from that.

TicketBoo23 · 23/02/2023 17:26

I would not have been aware befire bit after that I noticed through reading between the lines, a lot of seemingly similar behaviour, from men going on premier league football trips, general football trips, golf trips etc as well as stag do of course.
.
Also I developed a mini crush on the actor Rory McCann, read around some stuff where it was clear he'd been in a band or hung out with a band. The guys in the band were posting thtit visit to Loch Lomond, with water skiing etc. - their partners and teenage/twenty something kids with them there.

Then when I clicked on a link to the sane band members playing the ski season in France or somewhere, I saw at least one of them had described themselves on SM as "four handsome, horny Scotsmen" and I just shook my head. Wives and gf's etc were clearly spending most of the ski season at home. I think the SM post/band description was taken down after a bit, one of their partbers must have seen it/had it reported to them.

Just went to.shia though - these men are "single" when abroad or anywhere their wives and partners are not.

TicketBoo23 · 23/02/2023 17:27

*Just went to show though - these men are "single" when abroad or anywhere their wives and partners are not.

WombsofWimbledon · 23/02/2023 17:27

Even if you reframe this in it's 'best' light, the question is:

'Should I stay with a man that takes prostitutes back to his hotel room when he gets very drunk?'

eastegg · 23/02/2023 17:29

FrenchandSaunders · 23/02/2023 14:09

Grim, I couldn't come back from this, it would be over.

DD is 19 and works as cabin crew ...... she recently had a group of men in their 50s on her flight, on a lads trip behaving appallingly. Vile comments and trying to grope her and her colleagues. Pathetic excuses for men.

Awful. I hope they are being prosecuted.