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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

262 replies

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 11:54

Hi all, I’m looking for advice regarding a dispute that has kicked off in my family this morning.

We have had a ‘save the date’ card come through the post this morning for the wedding of a friend of my partner. They are also friends with my partner’s father.

Both my partner and his father have been invited to ceremony and reception afterwards, whilst myself and partner’s step mum have been invited to the evening only.

I personally don’t see an issue with this, I don’t know the couple particularly well and I know that budgets/numbers can be tight (the wedding so happens to fall on my Grandad’s 80th birthday so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to attend in any event).

However, my partner’s father and his step mum have taken it extremely personally and said that couples should be invited to the same parts of the wedding. They also say that they are travelling 2 hours for the wedding so are left in a situation where step mum will be left on her own in an unfamiliar town whilst the ceremony is ongoing.

My partner has also commented that it was rude that I was not invited to both parts of the wedding if he was.

Partner’s father has now approached the bride and groom, who have said they are unable to accommodate and have been upset by the question.

Who’s in the right here? Getting sick of the arguments already 😡😡

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 06/03/2023 03:05

I find it rude of the bridal couple though of course it is their perogitive to invite whomever they please and to be rude.

It would be acceptable to not invite any of the four or to invite one of the couples to some or all of the celebrations or both couples to some or all of the celebrations.

It is not rude to invite one of a couple who are going out. Once they are engaged or married or have children together I would always invite both. If living together or going out for at least a year I would give one partner an invite with a plus one, if I could.

DarkNecessities · 06/03/2023 03:31

I’m with you OP

DH has been to a couple of weddings alone as I wasn’t invited.
I have also been in the situation of the bride and had someone ask us if they could bring their partner. It irritated me!

PriOn1 · 06/03/2023 04:12

”This B&G are miffed”

Good. They’re extremely rude. If you can’t afford to invite both members of a long term couple, then don’t invite either. It’s not difficult.

BessieSurtees · 06/03/2023 04:22

It's probably a generational thing that the parents think it's rude where the younger generation don't. Weddings are expensive but it was rare to have separate invites like this a couple of decades ago.

So I don't think you should be annoyed at the parents and given that there is a 2 hour travel involved the B&G have been thoughtless, and rude asking them to save the date for one of them ....

They probably think that the step mum will spend the day with you waiting to go to the evening.

WandaWonder · 06/03/2023 04:23

I get if you have room travel bot not making it but why can people not go to an invite without their partner?

This idea people have to do every together is odd

But if we can't make it I would with the couple a great might and quietly not attend (let them know the basics of course)

It doesn't have to be a big they are being meanies

But I don't bride and groom tantrums if there is even a slight thing against the event though

I think they have every right to invite have what they want but hold the drama

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2023 04:28

step mum will be left on her own in an unfamiliar town

She is a grown woman, but unable to amuse herself for a few hours? Bonkers.

I think you declining is the best plan, otherwise you'll end up being her babysitter...

ShandaLear · 06/03/2023 04:51

The wedding couple is entitled to invite whomever they want under whatever conditions they choose. The recipients of the invitation are entitled to review the invitation and decide whether it is suitable for them. If it is, they accept the invitation and if not they decline. It’s that simple.

Tourmalines · 06/03/2023 05:49

Never heard of such nonsense

Moser85 · 06/03/2023 06:07

Staggeringly, eye wateringly rude to only invite half a couple. Really, really off.

This!

HarrysChild · 06/03/2023 06:20

I know it’s their wedding, so they can do as they like. I would just not go in these circs though. I have no problem with evening invitations but the splitting up of couples like this is unusual I think. I wouldn’t say anything, but would just decline citing the 2hr drive or your grandad’s birthday party or something.

It sounds as if FIL has taken it as a personal insult though, and it’s unfortunate he has dragged you in to it before you were able to just quietly decline without any fuss! I hope B&G aren’t too arsey with you OP!

Flamingopinko · 06/03/2023 06:26

Can’t believe there are people saying this is ok. This is rude! You don’t separate married couples. In fact most weddings would be plus one for any guest so I really don’t know how they can do this. If they want your dh and fil there they should
have sucked up the 2 additional invitations. And being 2 hours away DEFINITELY RUDE. My friend had limited numbers and her friend brought a female friend with her that had never even met bride and groom. Another guest brought their sister. I understand that can probably feel annoying but people don’t usually get invited to a wedding alone.

These days brides and grooms are so entitled and bratty. If you really want the wedding you want - go abroad. That will weed out the ones you really want to be there and those you don’t.

KEG973 · 06/03/2023 06:26

Sounds like they have invited this way in the hope you will all decline

what did your parents say to the bride and groom?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 06/03/2023 06:29

ShandaLear · 06/03/2023 04:51

The wedding couple is entitled to invite whomever they want under whatever conditions they choose. The recipients of the invitation are entitled to review the invitation and decide whether it is suitable for them. If it is, they accept the invitation and if not they decline. It’s that simple.

Yes, but there are etiquette standards/traditions, and consequences for flouting them.

Hayliebells · 06/03/2023 06:35

It's a bit odd to invite one half of a couple to the full day, and another to the evening only, when it's 2 hours away. It wouldn't bother me at all though, people can invite who they like to their wedding, and guests are free to refuse. That was your initial reaction, and I think you're right, your FIL and their partner are being overly dramatic. If I fancied an afternoon to myself in the wedding location, I'd probably go, but if not, I'd just decline the invitation, with no fuss. I think it's unreasonable that your FIL and their partner made a fuss, and complained to the couple, surely they can understand why they can't invite everyone? And they're grown-ups, they can survive without each other for a few hours!

victoriaspongesandwich · 06/03/2023 06:37

I think B&G are in the wrong here for the 2 tier couples invites.

But so is FIL by embarrassingly asking them to invite partners who they have deliberately not invited to the day.

One wedding in our family which was exclusive and expensive the B&G invited the aunts and uncles who were their siblings parent but not their spouses, even though they had been married for years and known the groom since birth. Same with cousins. It was a blood relatives only guest list 😂

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 06/03/2023 06:43

I think it’s fine and step mum should just decline if she doesn’t fancy a couple hours to herself in a place she isn’t been before. Dad and son can go together.

Energydrink · 06/03/2023 06:45

Their wedding their choice.. but neither me or my husband would be in attendance. Absolute liberty.

JennyJenny8675309 · 06/03/2023 06:48

Being rude and inconsiderate isn’t excusable because it’s “their event” and expensive. Questioning the couple is also rude. That said, I’d decline the invitation and not give it further thought.

knittingaddict · 06/03/2023 07:05

The bride and groom are being rude and I would decline the invitation. I don't like evening invites at the best of times, but this is worse than usual.

londonrach · 06/03/2023 07:13

Bride and groom invite in their want too...of it doesn't suit your fil mil and partner turn the invite down.

Maireas · 06/03/2023 07:17

PriOn1 · 06/03/2023 04:12

”This B&G are miffed”

Good. They’re extremely rude. If you can’t afford to invite both members of a long term couple, then don’t invite either. It’s not difficult.

Exactly. Plus if you can't afford to host both people in a couple, cut out your evening do and lower your costs.

Chickychoccyegg · 06/03/2023 07:30

If you're not going to a wedding as a group of friends, or work colleagues, then are you expected to go to a wedding and hangout by yourself all day if partners arent invited? That sounds horrible and awkward, how could that be a thing, people generally don't go to big social events completely on their own, especiallyif they dont know many people there.
With it being in a barn on the outskirts of a small village a 2 hour journey from you, that should dictate that full couples are invited all day, sounds like there'd not be anything much to do while hanging around waiting, I couldn't be bothered to hang around all day, then go to the wedding when everyone else has already had a good few drinks, that would just annoy me.

Crazyinlove123 · 06/03/2023 07:32

I know that budgets can be tight and it is expensive per head in the day so makes sense to me to only invite who you want in the day. If I were you or the stepmum I just wouldn’t go at all if you didn’t want to hang around all day. It’s not a massive issue to me.

quinceh · 06/03/2023 07:38

Neither is wrong. They can invite who they like, but partner's father was ok to ask. He, or his partner, are free to decline the invitation.

Genevieva · 06/03/2023 07:39

For your partner's parents' generation this sort of invitation was unheard of. It is indeed inconsiderate to invite a couple to different parts of the same event, knowing that one will have to hang around all afternoon, find somewhere for an early supper and then get changed to go to the evening part of the event. However, it is also rude to demand an upgrade. The best thing to do is to turn down the invitation and not feel obliged to send a present.