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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

262 replies

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 11:54

Hi all, I’m looking for advice regarding a dispute that has kicked off in my family this morning.

We have had a ‘save the date’ card come through the post this morning for the wedding of a friend of my partner. They are also friends with my partner’s father.

Both my partner and his father have been invited to ceremony and reception afterwards, whilst myself and partner’s step mum have been invited to the evening only.

I personally don’t see an issue with this, I don’t know the couple particularly well and I know that budgets/numbers can be tight (the wedding so happens to fall on my Grandad’s 80th birthday so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to attend in any event).

However, my partner’s father and his step mum have taken it extremely personally and said that couples should be invited to the same parts of the wedding. They also say that they are travelling 2 hours for the wedding so are left in a situation where step mum will be left on her own in an unfamiliar town whilst the ceremony is ongoing.

My partner has also commented that it was rude that I was not invited to both parts of the wedding if he was.

Partner’s father has now approached the bride and groom, who have said they are unable to accommodate and have been upset by the question.

Who’s in the right here? Getting sick of the arguments already 😡😡

OP posts:
Daisybee6 · 23/02/2023 16:02

Personally I think it's a bit ridiculous to invite one partner to the whole thing and the other to the evening only if they have to travel

JPG21 · 23/02/2023 16:22

Yes you can invite whoever you like to your wedding but splitting invites and inviting couples to different parts of the day is incredibly rude, we would just decline the invite 🤷

thegrandolddukeofpork · 23/02/2023 16:25

Yeah as others have said this is weird. Long term partners should be invited together, both all day or both reception only.
If I was invited to the evening while my husband was invited all day, I’d tell him to go if he wanted to go and I’d decline. Although it sounds like they might be hoping for that!

ThisIsWednesday · 23/02/2023 16:55

It's bad etiquette to invite one half of a couple for part of an event and expect the other half to hang around all day, travel separately or have the first invitee need to drive to the event and leave just to drive back with the half invited partner.

If it were me I would simply decline all invites. Inviting half of a couple is bad enough when they're local with little travel involved. Who wants to attend an event on their own?

FourFour · 23/02/2023 16:58

I can understand adults only invites, but inviting only one half of a couple is really bad mannered. Don't invite both of them in that case. So they want people to travel a distance and do what while one half is invited. Rude.

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2023 16:59

ColdHandsHotHead · 23/02/2023 14:01

It shouldn't be beyond anyone to choose a dress that she can go shopping and have lunch in and a spare pair of shoes to change into in the car. Good heavens, I've had colleagues turn up to work in cocktail frocks before now and nobody batted an eyelid.

Show quote history

Sorry, I don't wear wedding or party outfits to go shopping or to lunch.

And as the Evening 'do' doesn't usually start till 7pm what is she supposed to do after the shops shut (assuming the wedding isn't in the arse-end of nowhere as they often are now they're 'venues')? Sit in the pub till she's picked up?

Etiquette and care for your guests has gone out of the window these days.
If you can't afford to do the proper thing then cut your cloth and all that.

BenCoopersSupportWren · 23/02/2023 17:00

It's all very well saying "stepmum can amuse herself in town" but not all towns are chock-full of amenities, and especially not in the evening. Most evening receptions don't start until 7pm at the earliest and IME the kind of independent shops and small cafes/coffee shops that are worth exploring (and often the high street chains too in many towns) close no later than 5pm. There's a small, fairly rural town not too far from me which is a very popular wedding venue because it has a picturesque church and park and one hotel with nice gardens / a decent function room, but it's a ghost town after 4.30pm - no late night shopping, no coffee shops open into the evening, just a betting shop, a couple of takeaways and a Co-op. And I know it's far from unique.

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2023 17:00

BlueHeelers · 23/02/2023 15:31

Yeah, I think it's pretty rude. And I don't get their logic in excluding you from the ceremony.

If it's a church wedding, anyone can go to it - that's the whole point - it's a public declaration of a two people forming a legally sanctioned & legally binding relationship.

Excluded from the wedding breakfast though...

BenCoopersSupportWren · 23/02/2023 17:01

Great minds, Nanny0gg.

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 17:02

Can they reject the day invite and just accept the evening

melj1213 · 23/02/2023 17:15

SerafinasGoose · 23/02/2023 13:07

That's the point. 'Save the date' cards don't require a response. It's assumed that date will be held no matter what comes up in the interim.

Accepting an invitation the standard 6 or so weeks before a wedding is a different matter, of course. If I'd already said 'yes' then in anything other than serious circumstances I would hold to that.

But you are right. I rarely very much want to be at weddings. At best, they're protracted events and pretty tedious: at worst - and this is by no means the minority IME - they're more trouble than they're worth.

Show quote history

Save the date cards are not meant for every guest, they are meant for the most important guests that the bride and groom do not want to have their big day without. It's not meant as a "pre invite" invite, it's meant as a "We do not want to have the day without you and even though we have no other details yet this is the date we have booked so please keep it free for our wedding".

The idea is a small group of important guests (family, wedding party, best friends etc) get a Save the Date as soon as the wedding is booked to ensure they can attend, even if the wedding itself isn't till the following year. Any other guests get the standard wedding invite once everything has been booked and confirmed and if someone can't make it then the B&G will be disappointed but get on with their day.

melj1213 · 23/02/2023 17:35

BenCoopersSupportWren · 23/02/2023 17:00

It's all very well saying "stepmum can amuse herself in town" but not all towns are chock-full of amenities, and especially not in the evening. Most evening receptions don't start until 7pm at the earliest and IME the kind of independent shops and small cafes/coffee shops that are worth exploring (and often the high street chains too in many towns) close no later than 5pm. There's a small, fairly rural town not too far from me which is a very popular wedding venue because it has a picturesque church and park and one hotel with nice gardens / a decent function room, but it's a ghost town after 4.30pm - no late night shopping, no coffee shops open into the evening, just a betting shop, a couple of takeaways and a Co-op. And I know it's far from unique.

Exactly - I live in the lakes which is a popular wedding "destination" but a lot of the hotels where people have weddings aren't exactly in the middle of a busy city. Additionally the few towns in the vicinity are tiny places with maybe a few gift shops and a cafe, not somewhere you can really amuse yourself for hours on end (especially out of high tourist season) as most people come to the lakes to hike/walk not mooch about town for the day.

Add to that that everything closes around 4/5pm and the stepmum is potentially going to be sitting in a car for a couple of hours if the evening do doesn't start until 7pm. Not only that but the step mum also has to either wear something that is appropriate both to "wander round town" for a few hours and also wear to the wedding (and I don't have anything in my wardrobe that is comfortable and casual enough for a day wandering round town but dressy enough for a wedding) or find somewhere to change, unless they're staying over in a hotel (which is another expense). And if they aren't staying over then it will be the stepmum who will invariably be the one who is expected to not drink so she can drive home, so after a day wandering town alone she can't even enjoy a drink in the evening.

All of which is a long winded way of saying if I was part of a couple where one person was only invited to the evening in a place where we had to travel 2+hrs to attend then neither of us would be going due to the logistics.

whiteroseredrose · 23/02/2023 17:36

FourFour · 23/02/2023 16:58

I can understand adults only invites, but inviting only one half of a couple is really bad mannered. Don't invite both of them in that case. So they want people to travel a distance and do what while one half is invited. Rude.

I agree with this. I think the ship had sailed now, but I'd just go for the evening, all 4.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 23/02/2023 17:39

It's strange to separate couples I guess but if they really want to go can't she just do something else for a few hours?

melj1213 · 23/02/2023 18:07

Alwayswonderedwhy · 23/02/2023 17:39

It's strange to separate couples I guess but if they really want to go can't she just do something else for a few hours?

If the wedding is at 11am/12pm, then they will be setting off at 9am to allow for the 2hr+ travel and to ensure they're not late so potentially up and getting ready from 7am ... Two hours in the car, drop her DP at the wedding and then the stepmum has to amuse herself 11am-7pm after an early morning whilst wearing her outfit for the evening do.

Unless they're staying over in a hotel that night - which would allow the step mum to wear something casual in the car, wander round the local area for an hour or two before checking in to the hotel in the afternoon and being able to get ready at her leisure - it's just not practical to ask someone to get ready for a party at 7am and then just mill about for 12hoirs until they can attend.

TheDogsMother · 23/02/2023 18:18

We had a similar situation with an invitation to a wedding in the middle of nowhere. DP for the whole day and me just for the evening. In fairness it was a work mate of DP who I didn't know but I still thought it was a bit off as we'd been a couple for ages. While I totally agree it was their wedding, their choice but equally it was my choice not to go, which I didn't.

Original poster
Anon133 · 23/02/2023 18:39

Thanks everyone. My partner and I have both declined the invite and said ‘whilst we are sorry that FIL approached you about it in the way he did, we would be unable to attend due to the logistics of it all.’ This B&G are miffed but not much I can really say now.

I googled the venue and it’s a barn venue on the outskirts of a small village, so not entirely sure what the couple are expecting my stepmum to do for a few hours.

Each to their own I guess!

OP posts:
Danneigh · 23/02/2023 18:50

I know this could be coincidence but I have received an invite which is not for my DH too, and it's a barn venue on the outskirts of a small village too!!

UsingChangeofName · 23/02/2023 18:57

Not sure how to vote as not sure what the AIBU Q is, but I think your response is perfect.

Your dp's father was incredibly rude.

I think the couple either hadn't thought through the logistics, or weren't particularly bothered about having your dp's step mum and yourself there, and weren't really expecting you to travel, but were offering it as an option in case they wanted to.

It isn't what I would do. If having a wedding at a remote venue, you have to consider the logistics of how people can get there. However, if you are invited to something that you either don't want to go to or that you think will be too difficult logistically, then you reply as you have OP, and you don't go demanding that the hosts change their arrangements for you.

Flounder2022 · 23/02/2023 19:11

At the end of the day who someone invites to their wedding is down to them. But I think you have to be prepared for people you may want to be there refusing if their partner was not invited.

When I got married I wouldn't have dreamed of inviting people without their partners. I had a couple of single friends who I invited without a Plus one but that was after discussing with them. If they subsequently ended up in a relationship I'd have found a way to include them

JudgeRudy · 23/02/2023 19:12

Sick of the arguments? Do you mean in laws moaning? There's no argument.

Personally I don't feel partners should get an automatic invite, especially if they don't know the couple wrll. Surely an adult doesn't need looking after just because they're in a town they don't know. I'd enjoy having the hotel room to myself to get ready. Or I might go for a wander into town. What I wouldn't do is demand an invite!

TheGoogleMum · 23/02/2023 19:33

Yeah it's really odd to not invite long term partner I think? Maybe an exception if inviting a bunch of colleagues or something. Maybe now you and your partner have declined there will be space for step mum in the day if they are still up for going

Gensola · 23/02/2023 19:36

I think it’s horrendously rude to invite one half of a couple but these days money is more important than manners!

I8toys · 23/02/2023 19:37

Its weird and showing zero consideration to guests. I'd just go to the evening and let them free up space for someone else. Maybe a couple!

NeedNwJeans · 23/02/2023 19:59

Could they both attend just the evening party? Or just have your FIL attend. It is odd I guess to invite half / half, but also as you said, it is an invitation, not summons.