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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

262 replies

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 11:54

Hi all, I’m looking for advice regarding a dispute that has kicked off in my family this morning.

We have had a ‘save the date’ card come through the post this morning for the wedding of a friend of my partner. They are also friends with my partner’s father.

Both my partner and his father have been invited to ceremony and reception afterwards, whilst myself and partner’s step mum have been invited to the evening only.

I personally don’t see an issue with this, I don’t know the couple particularly well and I know that budgets/numbers can be tight (the wedding so happens to fall on my Grandad’s 80th birthday so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to attend in any event).

However, my partner’s father and his step mum have taken it extremely personally and said that couples should be invited to the same parts of the wedding. They also say that they are travelling 2 hours for the wedding so are left in a situation where step mum will be left on her own in an unfamiliar town whilst the ceremony is ongoing.

My partner has also commented that it was rude that I was not invited to both parts of the wedding if he was.

Partner’s father has now approached the bride and groom, who have said they are unable to accommodate and have been upset by the question.

Who’s in the right here? Getting sick of the arguments already 😡😡

OP posts:
SpookyBlackCat · 24/02/2023 00:22

It’s a bit sad that the B&G are getting so easily upset. Weddings are hard to organize but they need to calm down a bit. There’s no point in getting upset about things and they could easily have said they’ll let your FIL if someone declines and more space in the church becomes available.

Sugarfree23 · 24/02/2023 00:35

Danneigh · 23/02/2023 18:50

I know this could be coincidence but I have received an invite which is not for my DH too, and it's a barn venue on the outskirts of a small village too!!

🫢
Small world and all that.

But if they've invited lots of individuals and no couples they might find lots of individuals rejecting the invites. Whoops!

Its then quite hard to say actually I've had a few knock backs do you both want to come.

pixie5121 · 25/02/2023 15:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Ladysodor · 25/02/2023 15:31

I’d always invite the other half.

Jimzle · 05/03/2023 17:20

ESH

It is rude to question an invite, but it's also time to pretend we live in a world where social anxiety doesn't exist.

I'm single and I'd never go to something like this alone. A gathering surrounded by someone else's loved ones? If we aren't close enough my partner is invited, then we aren't close enough for me to be comfortable flying solo with your loved ones. Sounds awkward and I'd interpret this as being a signifier I'm not close to the couple. If I'm unworthy of a plus one don't invite me cuz that wouldn't be a comfortable situation to be alone in.

Ceryneianhind · 05/03/2023 17:28

Courtorder · 23/02/2023 12:07

They’ve done nothing at all wrong. You’re couples, not conjoined twins. She’s a big girl and I’m sure she can find a place to have lunch or mooch or browse or can catch a later train by herself - how would she cope attending a wedding if she were single? People doesn’t have to pay fucking ridiculous amounts of money to host someone at their wedding who they don’t know that well simply because they’re connected romantically to someone that they do know well. It’s bizarre and the expectation doesn’t apply to any other event - can anyone imagine posting here saying “my friend is having a birthday dinner and has invited all her friends. She’s not friends with DH and he’s not invited, nor are any other people she’s not friends with. Should I kick off?”.

YANBU

I totally agree, but mumsnet standard view is if you're married you must both be invited to a wedding

Fucking weird if you ask me!!

ThinWomansBrain · 05/03/2023 17:31

different trains - if driving, restaurant lunch and a manicure?

Cococomellonn · 05/03/2023 17:41

I don't think it's great form for them to do that at all but agree with PPs you can either go or not go.

Talia99 · 05/03/2023 18:26

Ceryneianhind · 05/03/2023 17:28

I totally agree, but mumsnet standard view is if you're married you must both be invited to a wedding

Fucking weird if you ask me!!

Show quote history

It’s standard etiquette. It may be changing but particularly older people will find not inviting both members of a married couple to a formal mixed gender occasion (no one says a husband has to be invited to a women only event) to be shatteringly rude.

I’d see it as the equivalent of someone chewing with their mouth open or putting their elbows on the table at a formal dinner. I wouldn’t mention it (unless I was very close to the person in question) and would give the benefit of the doubt and assume ignorance and lack of knowledge of good manners not deliberate rudeness.

gogohmm · 05/03/2023 18:29

There's no right or wrong but it's a bit rude. People should organise the event they can afford rather than being so tight with the guest list. If more people just had a buffet for all there would be a lot less bad feelings all around

gogohmm · 05/03/2023 18:33

The only exception to the inviting partner's rule in my humble opinion is work friends, as they come as a group to start with. If I remarry it will be a free for all with a hog roast or Caribbean bbq at the football club who let you camp overnight as part of the price, couple of local bands ... no need for fancy outfits either

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2023 18:38

I think it comes down to distance to a degree.

I invited my school friends who were localish / had family nearby to stay with without partners, but Uni friends who all lived away with partners. There was also a distance between the church and venue so logistically it didn't work any other way.

I wonder if they thought Dad and DP could travel together then you and SMIL could travel together

Emptycrackedcup · 05/03/2023 18:42

I think the 2 hour travel makes it hard logistically to get there, so from this perspective I think that was poor planning on the couples part, although maybe they assumed you'd come together so it would be ok. Ultimately their wedding, their choice. Planning a wedding is hard and stressful

Dibbydoos · 05/03/2023 19:06

It is odd not to invite the partner of the guest you know, but not unheard of. Why don't you and your DH go to the evening event and let the parents go for the full day?

WineCap · 05/03/2023 19:50

I think it's rude to invite someone to a wedding without their partner unless they are being invited as part of a group (i.e. work friends) that are also not accompanied by their partners.

If they don't have a big budget then they should restrict their invite list in a way that allows for the people they select to bring a partner. When you invite friends without partners you are basically making a selfish choice to prioritise your needs above your guests. You end up with more people you know well at the wedding, which is great, but often at the cost of them being left to make awkward small talk with random relatives and friends on their own. It hardly makes for a fun time, or at least not as fun as if their partner was with them.

I'm certainly not joined at the hip with my DH but I would decline that invite in your shoes too. I'm in my early 30s.

poppetposieandfun · 05/03/2023 21:02

I've come to see weddings often include decisions that some will feel are rude at worst or very inconsiderate at best. People feel big emotions on both sides - the bride/groom and the invitees. I have come to expect most weddings have something some think isn't okay! I was invited to be a bridesmaid for a friend but none of the wedding party were invited to the meal unless they were relatives because they didn't want to spend the money. They said this out loud. This included a bridesmaid who was flying over from the other end of the world. Someone said something so then the wedding party was invited, but they had to pay for their own meal. This couple had very definite financial goals including purchasing a house and buying a Lexus.

While it's inconsiderate to not think of what the non-invited partner will do, I'm assuming they thought you and the other invitee would hang out together. I'd never ever ask for an extra invite and can only imagine how that went down!!!

ponyinmud · 05/03/2023 21:03

My going to stick my neck out and say I actually think evening invites are rude fullstop. Splitting the invites between the couples is gauche.

Weddings are supposed to be fun celebrations including for the guests, weird that a celebration of coupledom has the hosts not inviting the other halves of their guest.

WandaWonder · 05/03/2023 21:05

I go with whatever the bride and groom want

Annoying as a situation may be I work around it, no I don't ask the couple anything unless absolutely necessary

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 05/03/2023 21:11

MelchiorsMistress · 23/02/2023 12:07

Honestly I think it’s a bit shitty to only invite one half of a married couple to a marriage ceremony, especially in this circumstance where there’s travelling involved. But it’s their event and they can invite who the want, even if they are making things difficult for their guests.

This.

HowcanIhelp123 · 05/03/2023 21:21

My DH can't drive due to medical condition. One of his friends got married in the middle of no where, several hours from where we live, on a Friday, and sent a solo invite to DH. DH declined because he had no transport (would of required 2 trains, a ferry, a bus and a taxi, then accommodation on top, and no one else was coming from near us to hitch a ride).

The friend told him he was a really good friend and really wanted him there but again DH said he couldn't make it work with transport. Apparently I was the unreasonable one and I should have found 3 days of childcare and used 2 days annual leave to transport DH to this wedding, then stayed in the hotel room by myself 🤔. Then he apparently told people at the wedding DH wasn't in attendance because I didn't let him go without me. DH put them straight very quickly and relationship with friend has not been the same since.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 06/03/2023 01:27

HowcanIhelp123 · 05/03/2023 21:21

My DH can't drive due to medical condition. One of his friends got married in the middle of no where, several hours from where we live, on a Friday, and sent a solo invite to DH. DH declined because he had no transport (would of required 2 trains, a ferry, a bus and a taxi, then accommodation on top, and no one else was coming from near us to hitch a ride).

The friend told him he was a really good friend and really wanted him there but again DH said he couldn't make it work with transport. Apparently I was the unreasonable one and I should have found 3 days of childcare and used 2 days annual leave to transport DH to this wedding, then stayed in the hotel room by myself 🤔. Then he apparently told people at the wedding DH wasn't in attendance because I didn't let him go without me. DH put them straight very quickly and relationship with friend has not been the same since.

Beyond the pale. What a clod the groom is.

HamBone · 06/03/2023 01:38

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/02/2023 12:11

I think step mum is making a mountain out of “on her own in an unfamiliar town” - in her situation I’d take myself off for an explore and a nice lunch and cross it off the list of seeing new places and doing new things.

If I didn’t want to do that I’d just decline the evening invitation and let my OH go alone. This isn’t a close friend or relative, there’s no need to take it personally or as a snub.

I agree, @ComtesseDeSpair , I’d love to explore a town I don’t know on my own for an afternoon. The only tricky bit is where she’d get changed for the evening do- in the loo at the venue, I suppose. 😂

Weddings are so expensive, I think your partner’s father and his wife should be more understanding.

Pianoaccordian · 06/03/2023 01:39

No clue how your voting works OP
but imho
B and G were rude to separate couples
FIL rude to question it

SomersetONeil · 06/03/2023 01:58

People can absolutely invite who they want, but they also very much have to accept that if only one half of a couple is invited to the main event, neither might come.

It would be interesting to know exactly how many couples they’ve issued A list / B list invitations to. If it’s quite a few, they could end up with more declines than they bargained for.

Usually when you’re hosting people, it’s on you to be a considerate host, just as much as it’s on guests to be considerate, as well.

snitzelvoncrumb · 06/03/2023 02:26

I don’t understand why people think it is ok to not give everyone a plus one at a wedding. If they are so concerned with keeping numbers down, you could help them out by not going.