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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't let me use a household item he bought

172 replies

HogwartsForever11 · 23/02/2023 07:57

Hi, this is a really silly one but not sure if I'm going mad as DP is making a big thing of it.

Context - we own a house together, been together c.6 years. We have a set of bathroom scales that are quite unreliable, e.g. weight can fluctuates by up to 5 pounds if you get on twice in quick succession. I use these scales around once a week but also go to a local Slimming World so don't need the home scales. DP only uses them occasionally as far as I'm aware.

DP has just told me our scales are rubbish and we need new ones. I said I agree they're not great so I'm happy to just not to have any in the house if he is. He said fine he'll buy some new ones with his money and keep them hidden just for his use as he's the only one paying for them. I said I thought that was quite a selfish and weird mindset and that if he wants them then I'm happy to buy them out of joint money for the house, but buying some to secretly keep for his own use is pretty weird and selfish. He says it's fair enough if he's the only one paying.

I think what's annoying me is that I never said I wouldn't get them out of joint money, I am more than happy to even though I'm not fussed about using them, he just jumped to that conclusion! I just find the mindset so odd - if he buys a pack of pens and I run out is he going to not lend me one? If he bought a book and than I wanted to read it after is he going to not let me?

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 23/02/2023 10:59

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 23/02/2023 09:31

Is it not a well-known fact that when there is an imminent break-up the first sign is purchasing individual bathroom scales? It's often closely followed by have separate toilet roll holders, each with monogrammed paper.

Or was that just my parents?

Show quote history

I'm sure that this has been independently verified in a number of very important and high impact SCIENCE journals.

onaniert · 23/02/2023 11:00

It sounds like he is being a dick, but maybe there was a bit of misunderstanding there. Hard to tell as we weren't there to hear exactly what was said and in what tone of voice.
I'm wondering if there are other things like this going on. Is he always like this?
I do think it's mean to buy a set of scales for yourself and then not let the other person use them - going so far as to hide them.

I had an ex who was like this and it was very unpleasant. He had a spreadsheet for food shopping to make sure we both paid 50:50. He took every receipt and entered the food item and price in the spreadsheet - there were joint items, things only he ate and things only I ate (raspberries for example...). Then he'd let the spreadsheet do its magic and at the end of the month one of us would pay the other the difference in what we had spent.
One week I went away hiking on my own. When I got back it turned out he'd bought a load of really expensive food - top-of-the-range cheese as it were... and other things. Claimed this was household food and therefore I needed to pay half of it. I'd eaten none of it. So I sat down and started my own spreadsheet listing all the food I had eaten while hiking and staying in mountain huts and said he had to pay for half of that as I'd also had to eat during that week and it was only fair that my food was included if he was going to charge me for the food he had bought - 50:50 after all, we'd both had to eat that week.
That shut him up and he then said he would remove the items he'd bought that week from his spreadsheet.
I got rid of him fairly soon after that.....

OP, keep an eye on the situation. It shows he lacks generosity of spirit and it might not be a good thing going forward.
Ignore the posters now popping up (very often men) screeching about how it's Mumsnet and it's ridiculous that as soon as a man does something he must be abusive and to LTB and there's nothing wrong with his behaviour. They turn up on every thread after about 5 pages always spewing the same narrative.
I don't think your DP is abusive and I don't think you should LTB, but you should keep an eye on this and see if it's something that is occurring on a regular basis.

WinterDeWinter · 23/02/2023 11:01

It is a bit defensive - but surely he misunderstood you and thought you were saying 'we don't need any more scales (and I don't want to pay for them)', dismissing his need for scales that work. So he's doing what he thought you were doing, which is being controlling and petty over who gets what from which funds.

Bollindger · 23/02/2023 11:03

Step back. Breath.

Say OK and walk away.
This is not a hill to die on.
Do not let people turn this into anything more than a comment by your husband that you can throw away.
If your marriage is ok, then why start an argument.

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/02/2023 11:05

Untitledsquatboulder · 23/02/2023 09:47

He told you he wanted new scales. You told him you'd be happy to have no scales - that does rather imply that you weren't happy for them to be bought out of the household budget. I guess he got the hump at that. We buy pretty much everything out of the household budget do I'd be pretty pissed off if I felt dh was vetoing an everyday purchase of something I wanted from that.

I didn't interpret the OP's post this way - in my mind's eye it was

HIM - We need new scales

OP - We do - they're rubbish! But I'm not bothered about replacing them if you aren't.

HIM - I'M BUYING SCALES OUT OF MY OWN MONEY AND DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THEM!

OP - <backs quietly away from the madman>

plantingandpotting · 23/02/2023 11:10

At first I was thinking he's a controlling jerk, LTB etc and have voted YANBU.

But(!) if you have form for never buying household things, then I can perhaps see how it would get to the point where someone (in a not very committed relationship) would say something provocative like this just to make a point. Going through with it is something else entirely.

TBH if I said we needed something new for the house and DH said 'I don't actually need that personally so let's go without', I'd be irritated.

PillBoxes · 23/02/2023 11:16

Weird, and to my mind typical Half Term bored at home nonsense.

GasPanic · 23/02/2023 11:28

It doesn't really matter whether it is a "household thing" or not. It's his thing bought with his money. The whole point in having your own money is that you do what you want with it and you aren't controlled or restricted by the other person. If he wants to share his thing then fine. If he doesn't then fine also. That's also the case for you.

If you bought something with your money and then he demanded the use of it on here, there would probably be a riot and he'd be labelled financially abusive and controlling.

ToastToastTea · 23/02/2023 11:38

That is very strange behaviour. Is this a new thing? How do split expenses?

SofiaSoFar · 23/02/2023 11:43

Are they fancy ones that Bluetooth to your phone or iPad and record weight, body fat % etc, etc, and create graphs?

We have some of those and when the downstairs loo was being refurbished visitors who went up to use the main bathroom instead would often be unable to resist stepping on them, for some reason.

It used to drive DH potty with all the random readings on his (sad nerdy) graphs. 😂

Naunet · 23/02/2023 11:56

Testina · 23/02/2023 10:23

“Op was very clear she was open to buying them if he wanted them and thought they needed them.”

@Naunet was she?
I don’t think so - he said he wanted to buy some, she said they weren’t needed. She only said she was happy to buy them after he’d replied in a petty way to him disagreeing.

This is how it would go in my house, on a sensible day, husband first:

  • we should get new scales 😀
  • nah, don’t need them 🤷🏻‍♀️
  • fine, I’ll get them with my money and you can’t use them then 🙄
  • wait what? 🤨
  • every time I suggest something, you dismiss it 😡
  • but I’m allowed an opinion 😡
  • it feels like you just over ride me though 😕
  • I’m sorry ❤️ it would help if you just said you wanted new scales and not presented it like a discussion
  • I’m sorry too ❤️ but it would also help if you’d realise not everything is a debate
  • BOTH: Yay! We did communication! Now, don’t touch my mug you dick 🤣

It’s just a squabble.

Well let’s see, can you point to the part where OP said no to buying them? I notice the last line though, where she makes clear she would be happy to buy them out of joint money, maybe you missed that?

DP has just told me our scales are rubbish and we need new ones. I said I agree they're not great so I'm happy to just not to have any in the house if he is. He said fine he'll buy some new ones with his money and keep them hidden just for his use as he's the only one paying for them. I said I thought that was quite a selfish and weird mindset and that if he wants them then I'm happy to buy them out of joint money for the house

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/02/2023 11:58

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 23/02/2023 08:05

Meh 🤷🏽‍♀️

I can see it from the ’likes to have something just for me’ perspective.

Hardest thing about oiving with someone is how little you have your own thing, just for you…

’Let’ him have his own thing.

Why?

It's a boring functional item. Even if he uses them daily, they will be out of use for 23 hours 59 minutes every day. Do you think OP getting on them too is going to spoil the experience for her partner? If so, you're as weird & uptight as he is.

JennyJenny8675309 · 23/02/2023 11:59

growinggreyer · 23/02/2023 08:05

This shows such ungenerosity of spirit. You need to investigate this further. The challenges of life will only increase and you need a partner who would give you the shirt off his back if he saw you cold, not hide things that are 'his' from you.

This is really good advice. I can’t imagine trying to share life with a selfish, inconsiderate twat.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 23/02/2023 12:15

Very odd.

Bigmummaof2 · 23/02/2023 12:27

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 23/02/2023 09:31

Is it not a well-known fact that when there is an imminent break-up the first sign is purchasing individual bathroom scales? It's often closely followed by have separate toilet roll holders, each with monogrammed paper.

Or was that just my parents?

Show quote history

I’ve never known that. But I will be keeping a close eye on DP from now on 🤣

Testina · 23/02/2023 12:31

FloydPepper · 23/02/2023 10:43

Because it’s mumsnet and he’s a man. He must be abusive and she must leave, the facts must be twisted or assumptions made to support that

i agree with the poster who said it’s likely the op came across as saying “get rid of them, I don’t need them” and the husband slightly grumpily thought “I’ll get my own then shall I…“

Exactly!
Then OP gets a massively skewed vote in her favour, not least because her title simply isn’t true!

jolene7 · 23/02/2023 12:33

He was asking for the scales to be a joint purchase are you saying you had no idea that he was suggesting this ? Or maybe you thought he was suggesting you purchase them as you use them most so you wanted to show you weren't bothered about them?

I think it was a bit of a selfish response from you and he retaliated in a very childish manner.

Testina · 23/02/2023 12:34

No, @Naunet I did not miss that.

That’s why my post - that you’ve even quoted - says “She only said she was happy to buy them after he’d replied in a petty way to him disagreeing”.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 23/02/2023 12:48

How Bizarre
Is he like this about any other appliance/ household items?

Maray1967 · 23/02/2023 12:49

00100001 · 23/02/2023 08:06

I'd be so fucking petty and start going round the house with him and saying shit like"oh, well I paid for that cushion, so I'll hide that from you....also, that's MY mug I paid for, so that can be in my cupboard... Oh yeah, I bought the shower mat that day, so I'll put that somewhere hidden...and yeah, remember how I paid for the milk...pop out buy your own love"

Yes, this would be me too!

ItsCalledAConversation · 23/02/2023 12:52

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 23/02/2023 08:14

I have been known over our 40 year relationship to buy household items that I don't allow DP to use. A case in point is my tool kit. I've lost count of the number of screw drivers/hammers/drill bits etc we've bought over the years that get lost or damaged because DH has never knowingly put anything back where it belongs. So now I have my own lovely tool kit with everything in its proper place.

So in principle, I don't have a problem with one partner keeping something for their own use. But your DHs attitude over this particular situation is very petty and would give me the ick.

I do this too, my shiny DIY set is not to be touched on pain of death (years of him losing my tools)…

I’m going to go out on a limb OP and say this is something to do with your weight. You’re on slimming world you said? He may think you’re constantly hopping on and off and breaking the scales, either by being very heavy or the repeated on/off, or both. Is he like this about any other household items, or just the scales?

frillyumbrella · 23/02/2023 12:55

I couldn't live like this! We share everything except maybe chocolate in this household. And even then the rule is if you see the chocolate we have to share

BellePeppa · 23/02/2023 13:00

GasPanic · 23/02/2023 11:28

It doesn't really matter whether it is a "household thing" or not. It's his thing bought with his money. The whole point in having your own money is that you do what you want with it and you aren't controlled or restricted by the other person. If he wants to share his thing then fine. If he doesn't then fine also. That's also the case for you.

If you bought something with your money and then he demanded the use of it on here, there would probably be a riot and he'd be labelled financially abusive and controlling.

It’s a pair of scales. If something as innocuous as this causes such friction in the house then something’s going awry.

2catsandhappy · 23/02/2023 13:23

Speechless. There is nowt queerer than folk, as they say. This has reminded me, when I told my exH I was leaving him, he said, "Are you taking the iron?"

chocolatemademefat · 23/02/2023 13:34

So he’ll happily share his penis with you but not his scales? Odd behaviour.