Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't let me use a household item he bought

172 replies

HogwartsForever11 · 23/02/2023 07:57

Hi, this is a really silly one but not sure if I'm going mad as DP is making a big thing of it.

Context - we own a house together, been together c.6 years. We have a set of bathroom scales that are quite unreliable, e.g. weight can fluctuates by up to 5 pounds if you get on twice in quick succession. I use these scales around once a week but also go to a local Slimming World so don't need the home scales. DP only uses them occasionally as far as I'm aware.

DP has just told me our scales are rubbish and we need new ones. I said I agree they're not great so I'm happy to just not to have any in the house if he is. He said fine he'll buy some new ones with his money and keep them hidden just for his use as he's the only one paying for them. I said I thought that was quite a selfish and weird mindset and that if he wants them then I'm happy to buy them out of joint money for the house, but buying some to secretly keep for his own use is pretty weird and selfish. He says it's fair enough if he's the only one paying.

I think what's annoying me is that I never said I wouldn't get them out of joint money, I am more than happy to even though I'm not fussed about using them, he just jumped to that conclusion! I just find the mindset so odd - if he buys a pack of pens and I run out is he going to not lend me one? If he bought a book and than I wanted to read it after is he going to not let me?

OP posts:
Testina · 23/02/2023 08:41

mrsm43s · 23/02/2023 08:37

I do think it's weird.

But equally, OP saying the scales that they both use (albeit occasionally) don't need replacing because she doesn't need them because she can weigh at slimming world, pretty weird and selfish too. It's a bit "I'm alright Jack", and probably put his back up.

The scales obviously need to be replaced from joint money, and available to use by everyone, and the suggestion of anything else is weird.

@mrsm43s you’ve explained that much better than I did! It’s exactly how I imagined it going - that he felt she was being a dick, before he reacted in kind.

Dibbydoos · 23/02/2023 08:42

Is he selfish in other ways? I could not live with someone like this, so I sincerely hope umyou love him and he is bothe respectful and loving to yiu. If he isn't it's def time to review the relationship or try to improve it by having counselling.

Testina · 23/02/2023 08:44

The title is misleading, surely?

You write that he has bought something and won’t let you use it - which is shit and going to skew the voting.

But the OP actually suggests that it’s just a spat and nothing has been bought or hidden.

Which is it?

  • nasty behaviour refusing to share scales
  • petty squabble “yeah well then you can’t use them” over some theoretical purchase and the issue to resolve is actually just the squabble?
StaceySolomonSwash · 23/02/2023 08:45

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 23/02/2023 08:14

True.

Does he make/pay much more than you do?
Maybe his had enough banking your lifestyle.

Show quote history

Wow. Did you get a Gold in Long Jump at school? That was some leap there!

PerpetualStudent · 23/02/2023 08:48

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 23/02/2023 08:05

Meh 🤷🏽‍♀️

I can see it from the ’likes to have something just for me’ perspective.

Hardest thing about oiving with someone is how little you have your own thing, just for you…

’Let’ him have his own thing.

I live with DH and 2 DC and have lots of things that are ‘just for me’ my make up and nice skincare bits I treat myself to, my notebooks and stationary, my books, photos of my side of the family, ornaments and pictures I brought into the household - I could go on…

I can’t understand the need to claim obsessive ownership and exclusive use over functional household items

Logburnerperils · 23/02/2023 08:49

I paid for the tv in the living room. I make everyone close their eyes when they have the audacity to walk past it.

ToDoListAddict · 23/02/2023 08:50

It does sound more like a communication issue, seeing as he hasn't actually bought and hidden any scales.
You said you don't actually need any scales as you weigh in each week. He wants scales. So he said he'd buy his own.
If this is the first time this has happened, I'd make the assumption you both misinterpreted each other.

WinterMusings · 23/02/2023 08:50

rattlemehearties · 23/02/2023 08:10

Hmmm I think maybe he interpreted your suggestion of not having any scales at home as something you preferred for your own sanity.

He is saying he will keep the new scales out of sight so you don't feel pressured or tempted to weigh yourself constantly at home.

He's clumsily trying to be supportive of your weight loss plan, and you are misinterpreting.

@rattlemehearties I can see where you're coming from
and that might be what a nice person would do/mean. However, if you read the OP again, she quite clearly says (at least twice) that he said she can't use them as he has paid for them.

@HogwartsForever11

in all the years you have been together , this cannot be the first time he's been like this? Unless he's had a hard enough hit to the head that his personality has changed?!

FFS I wouldn't mind the neighbour using them, let alone DH.

That's not an attitude I could live with.

SpotOnMyBot · 23/02/2023 08:51

you said you didn't want any, he said he'd get some for himself. I don't see the issue here

I like specific water bottles and travel coffee mugs as I do a long commute and I know what leaks and what doesn't. Dp uses the water bottles and puts his rehydrate shit and protein powder crap in there which makes the water taste odd when I use them. I've therefore bought a set of bottles only for my use. Dp got a bit uppity in a similar way to you - that we're together and stuff is 'ours' but I've told him he can source his own water bottles that he wrecks and I will keep mine nice and pristine ;)

redskydelight · 23/02/2023 08:51

I can see both sides tbh.

Scales are so mundane and practical item, that it seems ridiculous to keep them just for you.
However ... one of my home frustrations is that nothing is ever "mine", it's always considered common property. If I buy (or am given something) and I want to keep it just for me, why do I have to share it?

Example - I went out and bought a lovely warm fluffy blanket because I feel the cold. DH has now decided he can use it during the day because he works from home and I don't so don't need it then. On one hand the logic makes perfect sense, but on the other ... I want something for me that other people don't use!

DamnThatHitsHome · 23/02/2023 08:54

He’s being a really weird prick.

But for what it’s worth, I think your original scales are probably working perfectly- a lot of digital ones need you to step on once to calibrate it (if they’ve just been moved), then the second reading is the accurate one. Two readings in quick succession will always be different because the first one is uncalibrated.

interedin · 23/02/2023 08:54

Its a scale not a toothbrush! There's no seeing both sides here. it's purely selfish and weird behaviour. Honestly the things some people accept in their relationships baffles me to my core.

WombatsAndGumTrees · 23/02/2023 08:55

I'm a very sharing person and generous. I told DH he wasn't allowed to share my scales. The reason: He broke the last ones because he was having trouble turning them on and was stomping on them hard, which broke them. He breaks a lot of things through carelessness and sometimes it's upsetting when it's sentimental. I'm not being selfish. I'm just trying to preserve something after he treated the previous set so recklessly. (He does actually use the scales now and hasn't stomped on them yet). Just a different perspective.

JanusTheFirst · 23/02/2023 08:57

I couldn't stay with such a selfish prick.

Justalittlebitduckling · 23/02/2023 08:57

What a strange and selfish man.

Perry34 · 23/02/2023 08:58

OP are you losing weight successfully and he’s doing shite? 😂

Justalittlebitduckling · 23/02/2023 08:58

DamnThatHitsHome · 23/02/2023 08:54

He’s being a really weird prick.

But for what it’s worth, I think your original scales are probably working perfectly- a lot of digital ones need you to step on once to calibrate it (if they’ve just been moved), then the second reading is the accurate one. Two readings in quick succession will always be different because the first one is uncalibrated.

That makes so much sense. I thought ours were broken 🤦‍♀️.

mast0650 · 23/02/2023 09:01

Really? How bizarre. Bathroom scales are just normal shared household items like a kettle. It's surely irrelevant who actually paid for them. Even if it was a housemate I would think it odd if they put their scales in the bathroom but got upset if I stood on them. For someone you are married to, this is utterly weird.

As others have asked, is he like this about money/possessions in general? Or is this just a one-off that you can dismiss as an inexplicable eccentricity?

billy1966 · 23/02/2023 09:02

You have bought a house with this twat🙄.

Good luck.

80s · 23/02/2023 09:02

DP has just told me our scales are rubbish and we need new ones. I said I agree they're not great so I'm happy to just not to have any in the house if he is.
Well, if he said you need new scales, then he is clearly not happy "just not to have any in the house". Why did you not just answer "Yes, we do"? Your answer makes it sound like you don't want to have scales.

lucya66 · 23/02/2023 09:04

Could it be tied up in a weight complex he might have about himself?
many Men suffer with issues about their weight and don’t know how to effectively speak about it.

could his irrational behaviour be linked to that? For example does he have his eye on a specific set of scales for tracking his own weight/ metrics? Perhaps he doesn’t want them used by another person who’s data might get cross referenced.

I for example have a set of Bluetooth computerised scales I use that are linked to my app. dp Does not download the app and sometimes his data ends up on my own…

MistyMooninabluesky · 23/02/2023 09:05

billy1966 · 23/02/2023 09:02

You have bought a house with this twat🙄.

Good luck.

My thoughts too….. If I labelled everything I’ve bought in our house DH would only have about a dozen items!

Gincan · 23/02/2023 09:10

00100001 · 23/02/2023 08:06

I'd be so fucking petty and start going round the house with him and saying shit like"oh, well I paid for that cushion, so I'll hide that from you....also, that's MY mug I paid for, so that can be in my cupboard... Oh yeah, I bought the shower mat that day, so I'll put that somewhere hidden...and yeah, remember how I paid for the milk...pop out buy your own love"

I'd absolutely do this. I'm fact I have done this, DP claimed something as his only, so I pointed out all the things in the house that he uses that I paid for. He soon shut up. I think he didn't realise how many things had been sourced / bought by me, I guess it's part of the mental load. Could this be the case for you OP?

00100001 · 23/02/2023 09:11

redskydelight · 23/02/2023 08:51

I can see both sides tbh.

Scales are so mundane and practical item, that it seems ridiculous to keep them just for you.
However ... one of my home frustrations is that nothing is ever "mine", it's always considered common property. If I buy (or am given something) and I want to keep it just for me, why do I have to share it?

Example - I went out and bought a lovely warm fluffy blanket because I feel the cold. DH has now decided he can use it during the day because he works from home and I don't so don't need it then. On one hand the logic makes perfect sense, but on the other ... I want something for me that other people don't use!

I think the difference is whether it's a tool or a comfort and 'intimate'

So your favourite mug/blanket or a pair of ear buds... Acceptable that they're "yours"

A pair of kitchen scissors, a set of scales, a rug... Shared use

Redebs · 23/02/2023 09:13

It's odd.
Is it just the scales? People can be a bit protective of them.

He might be concerned about you mishandling them in some way? Are you heavier than the max limit?

He also might be concerned about the memory function in them. Either he doesn't want you to find out his weight, or maybe you might hop on and your weight would be recorded on his profile, messing up his stats?

There are all sorts of other possible reasons, like him feeling he wants a separation, or he's suffering from OCD or first signs of dementia. These are all way out, but sometimes we look back on little things like this and think 'that's when it all started'