DP won't let me use a household item he bought

[HogwartsForever11]

Hi, this is a really silly one but not sure if I'm going mad as DP is making a big thing of it.

Context - we own a house together, been together c.6 years. We have a set of bathroom scales that are quite unreliable, e.g. weight can fluctuates by up to 5 pounds if you get on twice in quick succession. I use these scales around once a week but also go to a local Slimming World so don't need the home scales. DP only uses them occasionally as far as I'm aware.

DP has just told me our scales are rubbish and we need new ones. I said I agree they're not great so I'm happy to just not to have any in the house if he is. He said fine he'll buy some new ones with his money and keep them hidden just for his use as he's the only one paying for them. I said I thought that was quite a selfish and weird mindset and that if he wants them then I'm happy to buy them out of joint money for the house, but buying some to secretly keep for his own use is pretty weird and selfish. He says it's fair enough if he's the only one paying.

I think what's annoying me is that I never said I wouldn't get them out of joint money, I am more than happy to even though I'm not fussed about using them, he just jumped to that conclusion! I just find the mindset so odd - if he buys a pack of pens and I run out is he going to not lend me one? If he bought a book and than I wanted to read it after is he going to not let me?

I think there could be something in this, he could have been reacting to your response OP. He might have found your response upsetting or confusing when he's just said you need new ones and your response was basically to say no we don't.

That's nasty and very strange behaviour.

What does he think you're going to do to the scales?

Is this the first time he's displayed behaviour like this? It doesn't sit right with me at all.

Can't get my head around this sort of behaviour. What disadvantage would your DP suffer by you using "his" scales?

I can't understand when someone in a relationship chooses to be so selfish. The whole point of partners is to share things. Sure there's certain exceptions but overall that's the point isn't it?!

If you weren’t doing slimming world I’d suggest ordering a takeaway just for you and eating it while staring at him. Then sit and watch a film but he’s not allowed to see the screen. If he tries to look, pause it.

That would be me too 😁 I wouldn’t be able to let it go till he saw how petty it was. If it were something else that’s reasonable to have for yourself only (a particular mug for instance as that’s quite common for people to like for themselves) but a set of scales? That’s like saying that dustpan and brush is for me only or that colander is only for my use, they’re such impersonal items it makes no sense to be so territorial over them🤷‍♀️

What a mean miserable joyless cunt of a human being he is.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

It’s still a petty response from a grown man though. He could have just said he’d still like some, get them and leave it at that. There’s got to be more to this dynamic than just scales.

It’s still a petty response from a grown man though.
Yes. Sounds like petty bickering. Maybe there's a constant pattern of passive aggression?

Guess he doesn't want a blowjob then because your mouth is yours and you won't share it either. 🤷‍♀️

The only way this would be normal is if they’re going to be those very fancy scales that get used to the person and measure body fat and all sorts. I remember having a go on a friend’s scales (with permission!) and I didn’t get a reading because the scales knew I wasn’t the person who usually stood on them and just gave an error.

This

As a number of posters have said, this is extremely petty, unpleasant, childish behaviour. I would not be marrying this man. He. Will. Not. Change.

I used to be with somebody, and actually lived with him for a couple of years. We were together for four years all together some years ago. He earned probably a third more than me at the time, but he insisted we paid 50% for absolutely everything. Bills, rent, food, household items, furniture etc... everything. If we went out for a meal, and it was, say, £28.00, and he'd had £13.50 worth and I'd had £14.50 worth, he would make me pay the stupid amount extra. He would only pay £13.50 and would make me pay MY £14.50. He wasn't paying any of the extra £1.00 that I spent.

In the pub he would get himself a drink, and get the money off me to get mine, or just make me go to the bar myself. One time we went to see a show at the theatre, and the tickets were £10.00 each. He got the tickets, and he wouldn't give me my ticket until I gave him the £10.00.

He made me pay exactly half of all the bills and the rent. And even when I had to have time off for six weeks after I've been in hospital and had surgery, and I was only on sick pay, I still have to give him half towards everything. I was left with nothing and had to dip into some savings (which wasn't much of to be honest, probably about £500.)

I was very young. I thought this was the way things were. Quite a few men I have known in the past had kept the money to themselves and gives the wives 'housekeeping,' and it was always a very low amount. But I was flipping working. I just wasn't earning as much as him.

The straw that broke the camel's back was one particular incident where he had caught me taking a fiver from his wallet because I couldn't find my purse anywhere. He screamed in my face that I was a thieving cunt, and smashed up my little stereo, and said 'I DARE you to steal the money from me to replace THAT!'

I moved everything of mine out of our flat, and moved back in with my parents while he was at work one day.

Sounds like an extreme comparison to the petty scales thing you have, but the thing is, my ex STARTED like this... BE WARNED.

@HogwartsForever11 Please leave him. You will have nothing but a life of misery with this man. Thing is, whilst some may say it's only fair you pay the same if you're sharing anything, and it's not HIS fault you are not as high an earner as him, the thing is, he will be like this when you have children with him, and are not working - or are working part time, and not earning as much. He will never change, he will always be petty and spiteful and financially abusive, and keep HIS stuff to himself.

Me and my DH share everything, including finances, so most stuff is not his or mine, it's ours. Only with personal stuff do we have our own - towels, toothbrushes, hairbrushes, roll on deodorant etc...

I just don't understand this pettiness in long term relationships. We're friends with an unmarried couple who've lived together for 10+ years. They have a joint mortgage and joint pots of money for various things but every now and again I'm witness to a conversation over who is paying for something eg food items that one eats and the other doesn't (not talking caviar and Bolly here - just cheap everyday foods). Surely it balances out in the end?
If you feel so strongly about sharing an item with a partner that you're prepared to hide it or demand half the cost then why are you even together? Your DP is childish and petty.

On the face of it YANBU, but I had an ex who insisted he didn’t use household things I bought so I ended up paying for things for the house, even olive oil, dish sponges etc.

Do you do this often, say the house doesn’t need something and then use when he buys it?

I only ask because you told him you don’t need scales.

Sounds nuts

i would now but all his favourite food with my m9ney and tell him he can’t touch it as you boughtit

“Op was very clear she was open to buying them if he wanted them and thought they needed them.”

@Naunet was she?
I don’t think so - he said he wanted to buy some, she said they weren’t needed. She only said she was happy to buy them after he’d replied in a petty way to him disagreeing.

This is how it would go in my house, on a sensible day, husband first:

• we should get new scales 😀
• nah, don’t need them 🤷🏻‍♀️
• fine, I’ll get them with my money and you can’t use them then 🙄
• wait what? 🤨
• every time I suggest something, you dismiss it 😡
• but I’m allowed an opinion 😡
• it feels like you just over ride me though 😕
• I’m sorry ❤️ it would help if you just said you wanted new scales and not presented it like a discussion
• I’m sorry too ❤️ but it would also help if you’d realise not everything is a debate
• BOTH: Yay! We did communication! Now, don’t touch my mug you dick 🤣

It’s just a squabble.

Well that’s sex off the table

My body not yours and I’m not sharing

Because it’s mumsnet and he’s a man. He must be abusive and she must leave, the facts must be twisted or assumptions made to support that

i agree with the poster who said it’s likely the op came across as saying “get rid of them, I don’t need them” and the husband slightly grumpily thought “I’ll get my own then shall I…“

This is one of the weirdest arguments I've ever heard.

He is being ridiculous. Is he this petty about everything?

sounds like a selfish d*!

A perfectly likely conversation but it doesn’t paint him as the bad guy, so I’m sure it didn’t happen like that…

I think you are both a bit ridiculous. You own a house together but he wants to keep the scales for his use and when suggested you get new scales and you gave a really odd response.

In your house:
Dh "We need new scales, these ones are rubbish"

You "Yes they are rubbish but we should just throw them out and not have any in the house"
Dh "I'm want some, I'm going to buy them anyway and keep them just for me"

How this would have gone in my house:
Dh "These scales are shit, I've ordered some more off Amazon"
Me "Ah great, I was thinking the same thing"

I think it's a miscommunication. He thinks you were saying that you didn't think it was necessary to spend money on scales. So he was making the point that if he spends his own money on them, they're his.

Ugh, what weird and unappealing behaviour.