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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't let me use a household item he bought

172 replies

HogwartsForever11 · 23/02/2023 07:57

Hi, this is a really silly one but not sure if I'm going mad as DP is making a big thing of it.

Context - we own a house together, been together c.6 years. We have a set of bathroom scales that are quite unreliable, e.g. weight can fluctuates by up to 5 pounds if you get on twice in quick succession. I use these scales around once a week but also go to a local Slimming World so don't need the home scales. DP only uses them occasionally as far as I'm aware.

DP has just told me our scales are rubbish and we need new ones. I said I agree they're not great so I'm happy to just not to have any in the house if he is. He said fine he'll buy some new ones with his money and keep them hidden just for his use as he's the only one paying for them. I said I thought that was quite a selfish and weird mindset and that if he wants them then I'm happy to buy them out of joint money for the house, but buying some to secretly keep for his own use is pretty weird and selfish. He says it's fair enough if he's the only one paying.

I think what's annoying me is that I never said I wouldn't get them out of joint money, I am more than happy to even though I'm not fussed about using them, he just jumped to that conclusion! I just find the mindset so odd - if he buys a pack of pens and I run out is he going to not lend me one? If he bought a book and than I wanted to read it after is he going to not let me?

OP posts:
ANUsernamgh · 23/02/2023 08:20

If this is the first time something like this has happened in 6 years, I'd also assume it's that he thinks you actively don't want them around and he's trying to be supportive. He'll pay for them because he doesn't think you should have to contribute to something you won't use and he'll keep them hidden so you don't feel tempted to weigh yourself too frequently and feel bad about your weight (the fact that you go to slimming world obviously shows that you are watching your weight in some capacity). If it were (almost) anything else I'd say it was weird but I definitely know some people who don't like to have scales in the house so I'd say he's just mis-interpreted you saying you'd be happy to not have any in the house.

BibbleandSqwauk · 23/02/2023 08:20

As a pp said, I could understand this if it was something that you might usec wrongly, or break or that would wear out quickly but scales? You using them would have no impact on him using them so that is really weird.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 23/02/2023 08:20

That is just weird and would be a red flag for me.

Having said that, I wince inwardly when DH uses the incredibly expensive frying pan as he's a crap cook and I'm.sure is going to burn it. But I don't stop him from doing it!

BitOutOfPractice · 23/02/2023 08:20

Is he a weird controlling arsehole in other ways op?

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 23/02/2023 08:20

If you pay for anything separately, label it.
Don't let him use it.
Who paid for your bed?

And yes, I do think you're about to split up - mostly because he's a tightarse

Bigmummaof2 · 23/02/2023 08:21

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 08:16

Dividing all the assets up before they are even bought

Show quote history

It’s hardly “all assets” it’s just bathroom scales.

SpookyBlackCat · 23/02/2023 08:21

I can see how you'd want certain things for yourself, but bathroom scales are generally a shared item. Was he just in a bad mood about something and over-reacted about this? It's really weird.

Codlingmoths · 23/02/2023 08:22

That sounds very unattractive. There wouldn’t be much my Dh would be allowed to use in our house with that attitude! I guess he would take the line that if he carried (heavy furniture) in he could use it, so that would give him the basics. No pillows though, or sheets. Or plates. Or cups or glasses. Or cutlery except the super crappy spoons he bought off Amazon once. He would have two sheet cake pans, and some plastic dishes that I made him buy after he lost nearly ALL my genuine Tupperware so that’s something.

Testina · 23/02/2023 08:23

“DP has just told me our scales are rubbish and we need new ones. I said I agree they're not great so I'm happy to just not to have any in the house if he is. <……………………> He said fine he'll buy some new ones with his money and keep them hidden just for his use as he's the only one paying for them”

Something is possibly missing here - either actual words, or the tone, or the backstory.

You’ve been together 6 years. You know him. Is there a backstory of you not wanting to use joint funds for stuff for him and he’s making a point? Was your tone about being happy not to have any more a dismissive one to his suggestion of something you don’t think is needed (I can be guilty of that!)?
Was he joking?

It seems odd that this hasn’t been an issue in 6 years, and when it is, you can resolve it. Sounds like something is missing, or it’s just a joke.

Catoneverychair · 23/02/2023 08:24

Jeez, why do you need more than one scale for the two of you? Most of them store data for 4 people.
Unless someone has fungus issues they're not willing to sort. Just buy a decent brand.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/02/2023 08:24

00100001 · 23/02/2023 08:06

I'd be so fucking petty and start going round the house with him and saying shit like"oh, well I paid for that cushion, so I'll hide that from you....also, that's MY mug I paid for, so that can be in my cupboard... Oh yeah, I bought the shower mat that day, so I'll put that somewhere hidden...and yeah, remember how I paid for the milk...pop out buy your own love"

Me too,it's outrageous behaviour!!

Aphrathestorm · 23/02/2023 08:25

It's a red flag for financial abuse.

America12 · 23/02/2023 08:25

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 08:06

Sounds like he's planning ahead for a break up - very odd

How did you work that out?
I think if someone was planning a break up , scales would come quite low on the list.

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 08:26

Bigmummaof2 · 23/02/2023 08:21

It’s hardly “all assets” it’s just bathroom scales.

Show quote history

It starts with bathroom scales but he's clearly not in it for the long haul. It will be his and hers kettles next

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 08:27

I'm surprised everyone is so bemused by my suggestion he's looking ahead to a breakup.

If our household needs something we just buy it we don't then keep tabs on who's it is and who can use it. That's housemate behaviour not committed relationship behaviour

2chocolateoranges · 23/02/2023 08:29

Very odd behaviour.

is he always a dick when it comes to spending money?

Goawayangryman · 23/02/2023 08:30

Yuck. So unattractive in so many ways.

Ungenerosity of spirit as someone else said.
Obsession with the value of things over people.
Financial meanness.

Just a big turn off is he crap and selfish in the sack as well?

JuneOsborne · 23/02/2023 08:31

What a weirdo. I'd be buying some dot stickers and stickering everything that's mine and telling him he can't use anything with a yellow dot to make him see how petty and ridiculous and tight and weird he's being, if a normal conversation about it doesn't work.

I'd probably also take the batteries out of his sodding scales. And buy the right ones and yellow sticker them.

But, I'm premenstrual and probably best ignored.

AlisonDonut · 23/02/2023 08:31

Make sure he buys the batteries out of his own money too.

Testina · 23/02/2023 08:33

I think his interpretation could be: he wanted to replace an unreliable cheap household item. You use it more than him (you say you don’t have to - but sounds like currently you do). You didn’t want to. He felt you were over-ruling him on what he could buy from joint budget. He was irritated by that so made petty comment about hiding them - not because that was his well thought out plan, but because he wanted to make a point about you refusing a joint purchase that he wanted, that he felt you would still use even with over-ruling him.

I’m not saying any of that is definitely true - just trying to think of a perspective from his side.

I think it’s odd that if you truly don’t have a backstory, after 6 years together, you would take to MN before saying, “that’s petty and unlike you - what’s actually going on here?” to him.

Testina · 23/02/2023 08:36

@monomatapea “I'm surprised everyone is so bemused by my suggestion he's looking ahead to a breakup.”

I think the surprise comes because it came across to me like you were saying he wanted to establish that the scales were his so he could take possession in the breakup. Which would be a very low level of asset division planning 😉

I do agree that it could be a sign that he’s not sure about the relationship any more though. That level of what’s fair, and resorting to pettiness - either in practice or “joking” about it - often happens when you get the ick and start to mentally check out.

mrsm43s · 23/02/2023 08:37

I do think it's weird.

But equally, OP saying the scales that they both use (albeit occasionally) don't need replacing because she doesn't need them because she can weigh at slimming world, pretty weird and selfish too. It's a bit "I'm alright Jack", and probably put his back up.

The scales obviously need to be replaced from joint money, and available to use by everyone, and the suggestion of anything else is weird.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 23/02/2023 08:38

This is very weird behaviour on his part. Why would he begrudge you occasional use of his bathroom scales, even if he did pay for them? Unless you are 25 stone and likely to break them.

TrinnySmith · 23/02/2023 08:40

I would not want to live without scales.
Order your own electronic set from John Lewis. Problem solved.

RosaBonheur · 23/02/2023 08:41

How utterly bizarre.

Is this completely out of character, or has there been other weird behaviour?

I'd be extremely wary about marrying or having children with someone who isn't willing to share even small things and is so controlling about money.

In any case, he's the one who said the scales needed replacing. You don't seem all that bothered. He could always buy some fancy scales for himself and you could carry on using the old ones (although that would still be weird).

Why is the problem him saying that the scales are rubbish and the solution getting rid of the scales you already have and him buying new scales just for him which you aren't allowed to use? Surely from your point of view, rubbish scales are better than no scales?

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