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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you do if you were us?

358 replies

BigOldOak · 23/02/2023 05:47

Sell or stay? Both turned 40 this month. DC 10 & 2.

YANBU Option 1- stay where we are. Been here 20+ years, nothing left to do to house, low maintenance, small garden, kids bedrooms aren’t massive, modern comforts and warm. Lovely safe community village, beach on doorstep, good neighbours, but are surrounded by them on all sides as an estate.
Small mortgage meaning no £ worries, DC could have private education, I don’t have to go back to work.

Option 2- move to large period house, lots of potential, barn (that could be converted and rented out), 2 acres, very secluded but can walk to the town. Needs a lot of maintenance cosmetic work as basic original eg old windows/kitchen/bathroom but nothing structural. Would have no/minimal money for renovations until I go back to work (which I’d planned to do when nursery free hours start), starting again with a big mortgage, tighter financial belt, no holidays/private school. DC could just about walk to the only school (huge with not a great reputation)

I love gardening and DIY, DH not so much. Big house and garden would be a dream forever home for us all but does it trump education and £ security? We have always been cautious but for some reason both feel like taking a leap!

Or are we having midlife crises?

OP posts:
RosaBonheur · 23/02/2023 08:31

I'm an Option 2 person, but I can see I'm in the minority.

The place we live in now was a renovation job, and although I know it would be much more complicated now we have children (and can't move in with the in laws and live rent free for 6 months while the work is being done) I dream about buying a wreck of a house in a few years' time and doing it up into our perfect forever home. I'm about to turn 37 so would be looking at doing it around 40/early 40s.

Merlott · 23/02/2023 08:31

Why are the options so extreme?

There are plenty of other options..

Go back to work and pay the mgage off early? That would increase income and future security surely. And you wouldn't be as bored?

GroggyLegs · 23/02/2023 08:33

I'd stay until the youngest DC is in school which will bring a financial boost & they will be less physically dependent while you're doing work in your project.

It also depends how much you want them to have the private education.

Option 1 sounds idyllic TBH!

Fakecrazy · 23/02/2023 08:36

Yeah the isolation puts me off. Also all those houses around you are where your kids' friends will be.

TrinnySmith · 23/02/2023 08:37

Anyone who has done up a house says never again.
Unless you are a builder or similar by trade, know the prices.
Why not wait and have a rethink once DS has left home. Then weigh up pros and cons with only one child to consider. Driving teens around takes a lot of time. Also leaving builders / joiners to get on with the job whilst you are both at work is not a great idea. Someone should be there.

TrinnySmith · 23/02/2023 08:38

Also gardening is very seasonal. Not much in the winter - too much in July Aug.

BellePeppa · 23/02/2023 08:39

I think you need another option in the mix. Why one extreme or the other? Personally I wouldn’t compromise my financial security for option 2.

Arthurflecksfacepaint · 23/02/2023 08:41

Stay. I wish I was in your position.

We only managed to buy a house at 41, all we could afford was a dump to do up and it’s no fun.

Stay put, enjoy the extra cash you have. Life’s too shor.

TicTac80 · 23/02/2023 08:42

I'd stay put, particularly if option B meant you were going to be stretched financially (and needed lots of work!). I'd not want the worry of having to fork out more for mortgage, and find money for stuff that needed doing in the house. Also because if it is more out in the sticks, then that would be a pain for ferrying kids everywhere.

When my sibling and I were teens, our parents lived in a place that was lovely, but their village had few amenities and a poor bus service. If we couldn't get a lift from parents, it was a LONG walk or cycle (along a horrible main road). Horrible in the winter when daylight hours were shorter. The village where I live now (and where I plan to stay put) has a brilliant bus service, great amenities and is a shorter walk to nearest town. The house is small, but enough for myself and 2DC. Also I can afford the rent/bills for it on my salary (I'm a nurse and a single parent).

Xrays · 23/02/2023 08:43

Stay. The world is too unstable at the moment and if you’re comfortable that’s a really good place to be. We have a mortgage free 3 bed semi, we’re early 40s and we never want to move again. We’d rather spend any spare money on doing fun stuff / holidays etc.

Charlize43 · 23/02/2023 08:43

Less is more, and with the current economic instability, climate changes, general shit show that the UK is becoming, I'd be grateful that you are currently in a manageable situation. So many people are going to the wall at the moment. This is not boom time. I'd sit fast.

thecatsthecats · 23/02/2023 08:44

Two acres is fecking huge. Don't underestimate that. That's before you even get to the house.

I would be holding on for a more manageable project if you want one. I get how hard that is! I want a house I can improve, one that has the space I want, one which has the right village.

I saw one yesterday that is GORGEOUS. But it's in a dogleg, middle of nowhere spot that fundamentally is ten miles from where we'd need to be on a practical level. I got major pangs for one that was a wreck, no central heating and four acres.

But another house - the right house - will come along.

BellePeppa · 23/02/2023 08:45

RosaBonheur · 23/02/2023 08:31

I'm an Option 2 person, but I can see I'm in the minority.

The place we live in now was a renovation job, and although I know it would be much more complicated now we have children (and can't move in with the in laws and live rent free for 6 months while the work is being done) I dream about buying a wreck of a house in a few years' time and doing it up into our perfect forever home. I'm about to turn 37 so would be looking at doing it around 40/early 40s.

Those ‘dreams’ always seem a nightmare to me. Always more work and more money than people have anticipated. It takes nerves of steel and very deep pockets to convert a wreck to a dream house (though YouTubing the process could be interesting).

TallulahBetty · 23/02/2023 08:48

Stay. Option 1 sounds idyllic. Plus do you really want to start up a residential lettings business now? (and yes, that is what you would be doing - being a LL is a job, not just a small hobby to get in extra cash).

Dibbydoos · 23/02/2023 08:49

This is a tough one. If you think you can handle Option 2, go for it. You're still walking distance to town, the barn can bring in extra cash which in the future might be a good retirement income.

Kids don't need private education if state schools are good, esp as that age. Maybe in a few years, private education for GCSE and A levels is worth it.

I also wouldn't sray in a house by the sea, they will be affected by property blight soon as sea levels start to rise and flooding begins....

honeypancake · 23/02/2023 08:59

Sounds like you are super excited about a barn conversion project and the current house seems boring to you. Tough choice as your youngest is still small and costs are high. However, the second option could drive you for more changes, motivate you to work and all the challenges that come with a big relocation project, in other words, your life won't be dull. But perhaps you could wait it out for a couple of years and see how your work goes when you go back etc?

Grumpybutfunny · 23/02/2023 08:59

We would also love option 2 and I would have said go for it until you mentioned the school. Could you find something similar near a good state school

olympicsrock · 23/02/2023 09:10

Option 1 would be for most people the right choice. If you read these comments and feel hugely disappointed like you have lost your dream then option 2 is right for you.

mast0650 · 23/02/2023 09:10

Option 1 unless BOTH of you really really love big old period houses, renovations and gardening.

Is there not a happy medium available??

FindingMeno · 23/02/2023 09:12

10000000% stay!

blebbleb · 23/02/2023 09:16

Where you are sounds lovely, not sure you would even want to move! 10 year old probably wouldn't thank you for it either

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 23/02/2023 09:22

Not sure what your income will be when you go back to work but unless it transforms your finances I don't think your pockets are deep enough for this.

I did your option 2 when I was 41 and the kids were 5&7. So I'm all for the dream and a rip it up and change direction approach. Bring on the mid-life crisis (also known as serious reflection and reset)

Ours is a barn conversion which we have done ourselves so saved on all the labour costs. That worked because we have been able to learn the skills and are a great team (in fact this project has solidified our teamwork and we are an even more solid unit than ever - no divorce here but I can see why some couples go that way). It has taken sustained discipline and effort (an ultra marathon of self-motivation)
Ours is on less than an acre and doesn't have a period property. As such it was less of a financial stretch than what you are looking at.

If you are thinking of hiring people to do the work you'll be looking at £150k minimum to do a very basic conversion and that's assuming it is structurally sound and you're not in a expensive area for builders. It could easily be nearer to £250k or more depending on the complexity.
If you plan to do the work yourselves you won't be going back to work for a long time, or if you do you'll be 80 and still not finished. You need a lot of resources for a barn conversion whether it is time or money or both. It doesn't sound from the way you are talking you are in that position.

So your barn rental income will only be accessible if you can find the capital for that.

Your life will revolve around the conversion for several years. Unless you can drop a ton of cash on it and trust a firm to get on with it for you.

For us it was worth it as our move improved our school choices for the kids, and got us out of our unpleasant built up area. My soul unfurled being surrounded daily by beautiful space. Our lock down was heaven and the kids are happy thriving under a system of benign neglect.

Without the barn conversion is that the right place for you?

If so, could you buy it and split the plot, selling the barn to someone else for them to do that?
If you did that - do you actually want to live there in that location?

The house alone will be a money pit - sounds like an ace property, but period houses if they haven't been sensitively upgraded (insulated in a way which is compatible with the construction type and hasn't caused unwanted consequences like damp) will eat money for breakfast if you want it warm. So again, can you sustain that financially?

I think a move now is great if you are going to do one, we had just enough earning years before retirement curtailed the mortgage term to be able to do what we wanted, had we left it much later, the limit on the mortgage term caused by being closer to retirement age would have affected our borrowing ability and therefore our options.

Tryingwithheart · 23/02/2023 09:22

1 for the moment with interest rates the way they are and energy bills too.

I think your kids being near a good but not necessarily private school should be priority too.

I know it seems a while off but there will be time for your dream house project in the future.

Also you live near the beach! I'm jealous!

RealBecca · 23/02/2023 09:28

Option 1.

Option 2 will always be there and you will just have more money to put into it.

Be honest, have you just been looking at rightmove and seen this house and fallen in love with it? Or were you looking to move and this fits your brief? It sounds like you are being guided by your heart and not your head.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 23/02/2023 09:36

Option 1 and look for an allotment to satisfy part of your love of gardening. Diy is always needed even on the best of houses is you have children!