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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you do if you were us?

358 replies

BigOldOak · 23/02/2023 05:47

Sell or stay? Both turned 40 this month. DC 10 & 2.

YANBU Option 1- stay where we are. Been here 20+ years, nothing left to do to house, low maintenance, small garden, kids bedrooms aren’t massive, modern comforts and warm. Lovely safe community village, beach on doorstep, good neighbours, but are surrounded by them on all sides as an estate.
Small mortgage meaning no £ worries, DC could have private education, I don’t have to go back to work.

Option 2- move to large period house, lots of potential, barn (that could be converted and rented out), 2 acres, very secluded but can walk to the town. Needs a lot of maintenance cosmetic work as basic original eg old windows/kitchen/bathroom but nothing structural. Would have no/minimal money for renovations until I go back to work (which I’d planned to do when nursery free hours start), starting again with a big mortgage, tighter financial belt, no holidays/private school. DC could just about walk to the only school (huge with not a great reputation)

I love gardening and DIY, DH not so much. Big house and garden would be a dream forever home for us all but does it trump education and £ security? We have always been cautious but for some reason both feel like taking a leap!

Or are we having midlife crises?

OP posts:
OxanaVorontsova · 23/02/2023 07:27

I’d say option 1 too, we faced a similar situation when ours were little, ended up staying put and it’s meant a great quality of life for us and DCs. Now they’ve gone to uni we can start to plan a move away to anywhere we fancy! My siblings live more rurally in lovely houses, but no friends nearby for DCs and everything they do involves a car journey.

Evergreenlevelbest1 · 23/02/2023 07:27

Depends how much you want to stay sane and married- if you’re not pushed either way then go for option 2, you only live once so you might as well ruin your life to spice things up.

… okay not really but I agree with PP, go on holidays, see the world, have the best of everything. You don’t need a new house, if you do, just get one already finished. Everyone regrets the massive renovation eventually even if they never want to admit it. You could be 10 years or more finishing a place like that

Blessedwithsunshine · 23/02/2023 07:28

Option 1 without question

Option 2 will absorb your resources, time and energy. Doing up houses is not fun, it’s a massive expensive stressful slog for most people, done out of necessity more than choice. Once done the upkeep of period houses (relentless) and maintaining two acres will rob you of leisure time unless you have very deep pockets to pay trades people.

The costs and the bills will be higher than you imagine. Sending your children to an underachieving school is a bizarre choice.

Get a hobby, throw a party, get a job - book a wild holiday. Enjoy some time relaxing on the beach 🏖️

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 23/02/2023 07:29

I read your OP not even understanding why you were asking because you have absolutely no pros for B…

dudsville · 23/02/2023 07:29

Stay put. You have the option to live a life free of financial stress. This means you have options re how you spend your time. That's an incredible luxury.

TrinnySmith · 23/02/2023 07:30

Stick with best school option

ChickenDhansak82 · 23/02/2023 07:31

These options seem like two extreme options.

Surely your sons education is more important than a bigger house?

And family holidays make memories.

Wait for a bigger house in the same area to come up. Your current house location sounds amazing, just a little small, but you have plenty of money to escape and get out and about in the evenings and weekends of you want to.

Youainttheonlyone · 23/02/2023 07:34

Option 1 all day long.

option 2 sounds like from your description like a huge financial stretch. If something goes wrong such as illness/redundancy you could very well lose your home whereas this one you sound like you could very well be in a position to have a lot of savings so therefore able to ride out any storms

is your house extendable if you need more room? Up side back?

re your love of gardening, any allotments church or community gardens or parks locally that you could volunteer at to scratch the itch?

Theeaglesoared · 23/02/2023 07:46

Sometimes the safe option isn't always the right option. It all depends on how much you're itching to have an adventure, which is what option 2 would be for you.

We were in your situation ten years ago. We chose, with our hearts in our mouths, option 2. But that was because we both wanted a challenge. We were at that stage of life. I can't say every single minute has been fun but we now have a house and life we absolutely love and I would do it all again. And we learned so much!

Danneigh · 23/02/2023 07:49

I dont think people have understood the voting thing properly, because the votes don't match the comments at all.

But, I wouldn't immediately say option 1 like everyone has. I wouldn't be arsed about the private school thing but that's just because it's not really done thing where I'm from. My DS flew through state school, top marks in everything and just secured his uni place. My DD has been put on gifted programmes at the same school as she's upper+ in everything so smashing it too. If a kid is going to learn they will learn wherever they are.

I woukdnt be happy spending a lifetime of no holidays, when I've been used to holidaying every year, that would be massive for us.

It would depend what you mean by tightening the financial belt....like actually putting yourself in a position where things are a struggle? No luxuries? Everything scaled down? For how long? Forever? I couldn't do that. Or for example for 5 years whilst everything is going on and then back up to comfortable when all the renovations are complete?

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 23/02/2023 07:55

Option 3 sit tight for a few more years you go back to work and put money to one side then look for dream house when the housing may have settled

Beautiful3 · 23/02/2023 08:00

Stay.

sunglassesonthetable · 23/02/2023 08:02

Your life sound lovely. But you've got itchy feet. Fair enough.

This big ole doer upper with a poor school for. the kids is not the solution. Too extreme a leap.

Acknowledge your feelings for new horizons but look for something more achievable and something in the middle.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/02/2023 08:06

Look for another option that gives you something of the change you want.

Moving somewhere where the school isn’t good doesn’t make sense at any time.

TenoringBehind · 23/02/2023 08:06

Stay, and perhaps an option 3 that sits somewhere between the two extremes will emerge in a few years time. .

PurpleReindeer2 · 23/02/2023 08:06

Stay. A better option 2 may come along. If not option 1 sounds just fine.

coodawoodashooda · 23/02/2023 08:11

Aprilx · 23/02/2023 06:06

Sounds like a mid life crisis. I honestly cannot see any appeal in Option 2 versus Option 1.

Me neither. Being skint somewhere not fancy but could be. Not being somewhere lovely but not fancy.

Cornelious2011 · 23/02/2023 08:14

Option 1

Hankunamatata · 23/02/2023 08:18

I'd stay put. Beach on doorstep sounds amazing. Being financially comfortable is not to be underrated. If yourself or dh is unable to work you know your still secure

Mamadothehump · 23/02/2023 08:20

1000000000% option 1

Aphrathestorm · 23/02/2023 08:21

Why on earth would you throw away private ed for DCs for a ramshackle house???

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 23/02/2023 08:21

But what is a "dream forever home" for a 2 and 10 year old? Probably not spending most of their childhoods in a renovation project.
I have known several now adults who had their childhoods living in such circumstances whilst their parents lived out their dreams.

rothbury · 23/02/2023 08:21

Definitely stay where you are for now. Much better for family.

If you still have itchy feet when kids have flown, move then.

Calmdown14 · 23/02/2023 08:27

I have several friends who did what you are planning. Beware of the dream. One is divorced and the other signed off with stress.

It's a lot of additional work on top of taking on paid work before you even start on the financial side. Go and read the energy threads about the £600 a month fuel bills for a start as you'd be a big jump with this type of property.

Unless you are the Dick and Angel type who really enjoy the renovation side (and have some skills), don't do it.

Be honest with yourself about your life. Do you want to spend all your weekends at the house doing projects? I'd quite like that but if you have a decent social life, like going out etc it's going to cause tension.

Your eldest is also at the stage to want to play out with friends.

There must be a compromise option. A bigger garden, less of an estate feel but not such a massive leap?

PumpkinSoup21 · 23/02/2023 08:29

There’s nothing wrong with a midlife crisis. That label often refers to a normal period of reflection and desire for change as we enter a new phase of life and know ourselves better. There’s a temptation to make snap decisions but even those decisions on a small scale are actually fine - it’s okay to step out of your comfort zone. So, firstly, do something different for yourself that isn’t massive - try a different outfit or hairstyle or a hobby you’ve always wanted to do. That might scratch the itch of wanting change in a small way.

It sounds to me like you want to breathe. Your whole post says something about space - the outside space, your kids rooms, being overlooked. Maybe this is something about feeling squashed by the various pressures at this point in your life (young kids, perhaps elderly relatives, working full time, etc.)? Is that translating into a feeling of wanting physical breathing space and more nature around you?

I’d sit with that feeling a bit and reflect on it. Then see if there’s a compromise. Is there a literal half way house (a property with a bit more space but not a massive project) or are there other ways to respond to this need? More time outdoors with the family? Making space in life in other ways where possible?

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